If she hadn’t had sex with James several times, she wouldn’t have realized they had no chemistry. She might have even married him and spent her life in a marriage with no pleasure. What good would that do anyone? No wonder so many marriages ended in divorce and so many wives were unhappy.
She thought about her siblings and wondered if they had good sex. What about her parents? Had they? She shuddered to consider how many people went through life having the kind of sex she’d had with James. Doing it for no other reason than obligation and reproduction. How depressing.
And what about this thing with Ajax? Was it some kind of chemistry between them that she would never experience with another man? That scared her. She also thought about completing the act. Intellectually she knew what she and Ajax had done last night would be considered sex by most standards. But not by her mother’s. If anyone looked her in the eye and asked if she’d had sex with Ajax, she could look right back at them and confidently say no.
She’d be lying, but also not. She doubted her mother could conceive of the sort of experimenting Serena had done with Ajax. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
What about another man? She might theoretically date someone else from the church one day. She’d worried already about lying to him about James. They’d had a pact of sorts that they’d never tell anyone. It hadn’t been spoken in so many words. More like nods and looks that expressed everything.
Yet, she’d told Ajax. He didn’t count though. He wasn’t within her circles. He certainly wasn’t going to blab to her mother or other members of the church that he’d thoroughly debauched one of the parishioners. She almost laughed at the visual.
Ajax nudged her from the side, bumping his shoulder into hers. “You’re thinking so hard it’s a wonder you can walk in a straight line.”
She jerked her gaze to him, feeling that darn tell-tale heat rising on her cheeks. “I am not.”
He chuckled. “Now that is one of the ten commandments.”
She flinched. “What are you talking about?”
“Thou shalt not lie.”
She swallowed hard and stared at the ground.
He stopped walking and wrapped his hand around her arm to stop her before stepping in front of her and meeting her gaze. “Hey.” His voice was soft and kind. “I was kidding.”
She shrugged. “I know, but I don’t usually joke about stuff like that. Nor do I usually lie to people.”
“You’re entitled to have your own thoughts and get distracted by them. You’re also entitled to keep them to yourself and not share them.”
She licked her lips. “I don’t ordinarily end up in situations where I’m having thoughts that can’t be shared.”
“You’ve been working for Charley for two years. Isn’t that kind of intense? I’d think you’d be exposed to secrets and privy to important information you can’t share.” His brows narrowed in question.
“Not usually. I love working for her because what she’s doing is always important. She saves lives. I’m usually responsible for being the face in front of people she needs to contact.”
“Like you were with me and Ryker.”
“Exactly. I’m a messenger. I deliver files I haven’t read and pass on information and make arrangements for people. I’m not usually so involved that I know some sort of State secrets. As you know, I’ve never been asked to accompany anyone abroad like this.”
This entire assignment was way out of her comfort zone, but she’d understood the need and why Charley asked her to go, and she couldn’t have turned her boss down. This was important. It might end up being the most important job of her life.
Ajax stepped closer. “Look, I know I was a dick when we met and then while we were traveling. It was rude and I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on you. I was so stunned to find Ryker alive and well in that conference room, and then I felt like my world was upside down finding out the rest of my team might also be alive…”
She opened her mouth to stop him, but he set his fingers on her lips.
“I continued to treat you disrespectfully during the flight and at the hotel for no reason. I’m sorry for that. I cringe every time I think about my behavior. You didn’t deserve it, and I want to thank you for setting me straight, including slamming me onto my back in the hotel.” He smirked.
She smiled a little. That part had been entertaining.
“I’ve needed you with me on this mission. I get that now. I don’t speak the languages, and I assume I’m about to find out you speak Afar too.”
“Yeah,” she admitted.
“So, your part in this mission was imperative.”
She shrugged. “I haven’t really done anything yet. The driver from the airport knew where to take you. You didn’t need me. And the couple from two nights ago spoke enough broken English for you to get by. You would have been fine.”
He shook his head. “We’re not done yet. There could be ten more times we encounter someone I can’t communicate with. On top of that, I would have been incredibly alone and stressed if you hadn’t been with me to keep my mind off the reason I’m here.”
She flushed yet again. “I don’t think my methods of distraction were in the job description when Charley asked me to accompany you.”
He chuckled. “Probably not but did she specifically tell you not to have sex with me?” he teased.
She groaned. “Semantics? That’s your defense?”
“Or… If she asks if we had sex, which seems absurd and highly unlikely, you could say no. Not by the most commonly recognized definition of the term.” He beamed as if he’d just provided the best defense of all time.
“That’s what I was planning to tell my mother and also my future husband if they asked.” She sucked in a breath and pursed her lips after that ridiculous admission slipped out.
He chuckled. “Then I better keep my cock tucked away nice and secure for the rest of the trip so you’re able to use that line.”
She groaned again. “I’m not sure I want to. I’m not sure I ever want to marry for one thing. It’s a lot of work, and I’ve met everyone my mother finds suitable. She’s started resorting to older men who are widowers lately.”
Ajax’s eyes went wide. “You’ve been dating old men?”
She giggled. The look on his face was priceless. “Not old men and no. I’ve turned her down every time, and most of them were under fifty.”
He shuddered. “Fifty? That’s almost twice your age.” His brow furrowed again.
She couldn’t keep from laughing. “You’re so horrified. It’s not that weird. I’m twenty-eight. Eligible. As far as older single men are concerned, I’m a catch.” She beamed dramatically, jerking her head back and to the side.
Ajax’s face scrunched up, though at least he was finally almost smiling. “I can see where the attraction is for them, of course, but what about you?”
“See? That’s why I’ve said no every time.”
“Doesn’t anyone in your world date or marry outside the church?”
“Not often. It’s sort of frowned upon. Usually, if someone meets someone they like who isn’t a member of the church, the person either converts or they both move away and leave the church. We don’t have a lot of people attending without their spouse.”
“How big is this church of yours?”
“In my town, it’s about five hundred, but there are other congregations in other towns, and we have gatherings with them a few times a year. People often meet someone they end up marrying from another congregation.”
He looked horrified. “You haven’t mentioned love a single time. All these people just meet and marry and procreate and go to church. Does anyone believe in love?”
She hesitated a moment, thinking how to address his question. “Of course, people love each other. It’s impressed upon us to find someone we get along with and love will come with time.”
“Now you’re talking about loving someone like you’d love a parent or sibling. I’
m talking about being in love. Romantic love. Not just a friend you sort of like and have bad sex with to make babies.”
“It’s not as bad as you’re describing it. I know lots of people who are happily married.”
“Uh-huh.” He didn’t believe her. That was obvious.
She wasn’t even sure she believed herself anymore. Not after last night. When she got home, she feared she would end up looking closely at every couple she knew to see if she thought they had the kind of chemistry she had with Ajax.
This thing with Ajax though wasn’t love either. It was lust. A physical attraction that was dragging her under so deeply that she was behaving like someone with no morals at all.
“Huh. I just realized something,” Ajax pointed out.
She was afraid to hear this new revelation.
“You live in two worlds. I don’t think I fully grasped that. Part of you is dedicated to something you were born into. You follow the teachings of your parents and your church without question or hesitation. I doubt you’ve ever considered the possibility that your religion might be a bit stricter than necessary to satisfy your god.”
She gasped. “You say that like there’s more than one God.”
He stared at her a moment. “I didn’t mean to insult you. I don’t actually care if there is or isn’t more than one god or goddess for that matter. Let me finish. You have another side. A worldly side. One that went to college and got her master's. A side that ended up working for a woman you’ve never met arranging questionable meetings with people you don’t know.”
She winced. “It’s always for good,” she pointed out.
“How can you be sure?”
“I just know,” she defended.
“How did you get hired in the first place?” Ajax asked.
Serena sighed. She was exhausted from defending herself. “When I got close to graduating, human resources had a list of places we could apply with. I took down several names and sent out resumes to a lot of emails. One of them was Charley and her people. They interviewed me over the phone several times before hiring me. I’m sure my experiences in Ethiopia contributed to my being hired.”
“But you don’t know who you work with. Other than your immediate boss, have you ever met a single person who works for Charley?”
She winced. “No, but my gut told me it was the right thing. I followed my gut on blind faith. It felt destined in a way.” She cocked her head to one side and glared at him. “Don’t start giving me a lecture now about faith.”
“I wouldn’t dare. I understand faith. Sometimes you just have to trust the people around you. If I didn’t allow my gut to weigh in, I wouldn’t be here in Ethiopia with you.”
“True.” She eased out of his grip and pointed in the direction they had been walking. “Don’t you think we should keep going?”
He reached out and hauled her against him again. Their bodies aligned. His hands slid up her back. “We have plenty of time. Now, back to my original question.” He grew serious. “Are you okay? We’ve been walking a while and you hadn’t said a word until I stopped you. I could see your mind churning. Do you regret what we did last night?”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t regret a thing. I’m enlightened. I should thank you. You’ve shown me something I knew nothing about and taught me not to settle. In the end, it will probably lead me to never marry at all, but that’s not important.”
He winced. “Seems important to me. Seems depressing. I hope I haven’t caused you more pain with your enlightenment.”
“You haven’t, and even if you had, it was totally worth it. I will never forget last night. It will remain close to my heart for the rest of my life.”
His brow was furrowed again, and he cupped her face. “Serena…”
She glanced away. “It’s good. Better than good. I mean it. Thank you.”
“I don’t really like being thanked for my skills in the bedroom like I brought you a bagel or taught you how to fly a kite. It makes it seem trivial, and what we have between us isn’t trivial. It’s special. I realize we’re from two different worlds and it’s probably insane to imagine merging them, but it’s not trivial.”
She lowered her gaze. He was right.
“You’re feeling guilty, and I hate that I had a part in that.”
She shook her head. “Please don’t. Like I said, I’m not sorry.”
“There’s a difference between not being sorry and feeling like you shouldn’t have done something,” he pointed out. “The two aren’t mutually exclusive.”
“I know,” she murmured. She understood that well. And he was right, that was exactly what she was grappling about when she lied to him.
“I can’t know what’s in store for us in the next few days. Nor can I be sure how chaotic it might be or when or if I’ll see you again, but I hope that if I do get out of this thing intact, you’ll at least agree to meet with me someday in the near future back in the States. I’d love it if we could sit down someplace where our lives aren’t in danger and enjoy a cup of coffee or dinner. See how we feel when we’re in our normal skin.” He bent his knees a bit to meet her gaze. “Can you promise me that?”
She chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment before nodding. “Of course.” She couldn’t picture this scenario he painted at all. Would he come to her town and pick her up and take her out for coffee? Or maybe he would have her come to him, which would be inappropriate and hard to explain to her mother. Maybe neutral ground. Also impossible to explain without lying.
It couldn’t hurt to agree to something like that right now though. It seemed important to him.
“I’m not going to cause you to feel more conflicted than you already do right now, Serena. I can tell you’re struggling to justify everything that’s happened between us, and I hate it. I’m not sorry I shook your foundation because no woman should be as uninformed as you were. I won’t apologize for what we did. It was beautiful and special. But you know now. I won’t torment you further. We’ll focus on the reason we’re here and getting out of this country as soon as possible. After that, we’ll see what happens.”
She nodded, needing to agree with him, partly because she desperately wanted to believe they could somehow merge their lives but also because it seemed important to him and the last thing she wanted was for him to be distracted by her turning him down. He needed his full concentration to be on saving his men. If it helped for him to believe he could develop a love interest with her after the mission was completed, she was willing to perpetuate that tiny white lie. Sometimes a little lie could be important. In this case, it could mean the difference between life and death.
Besides, the thought of never seeing him again made her chest tighten. She couldn’t face that possibility. So maybe she wasn’t lying. Maybe she would find a way to meet up with him back on home territory.
Maybe the next time she had to go out of town to meet with a client for Charley, she could simply share that detail with Ajax. That way she wouldn’t have to lie to her mother about her business trip.
Her mother abhorred this job Serena maintained. She thought it was entirely inappropriate for Serena to travel all over the country when she should be at home, settling down and filling a house with babies.
Serena had been living a double life for two years, maintaining her place in the church and appeasing her mother while also enriching her life with a job that gave her great satisfaction. It had worked just fine up until now. She’d never had a conflict like this. She’d never fallen for one of Charley’s contacts.
Nope. She’d been the model citizen, fulfilling her need to make a difference in the world while at the same time following the gospel. It could be done because she’d proven it.
All that was fine until Ajax Cassman stepped into her life. Now she could feel the edges unraveling, and she worried she would never be able to shake the memories. Last night would haunt her, teasing her with what she was missing out on.
She wasn’t at all sur
e she could return to business as usual no matter what happened, but she would have to try, and there was nothing she could do about it while she was sneaking through a third-world country. She needed to focus and get the job done.
The future would have to define itself when she got there.
“Shall we keep going?” Ajax asked.
“Yes.” She nodded definitively and pulled her shoulders back. She could do this. She was a grown woman with a strong personality. She just needed to put one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about what it felt like to have Ajax’s mouth between her legs. Or the fact that she still had a driving urge to finish what they’d started. Go all the way. Have sex with him. Good sex. Really good sex. Because she knew it would be with him. If she never saw him again and never married and never met another man who made her feel the way Ajax did, she at least wanted to have gone all the way to the finish line.
Chapter 17
Ajax was worried about Serena. She went back to being quiet as they continued walking. It might have been for the best since they needed to focus on the terrain and ensuring they didn’t lose sight of the road and stray too far off-course.
When they came to the outskirts of town, they quickly located the rock formation where they were supposed to meet their next transport.
They were early. Intentionally. Missing a pickup point would be detrimental to the plan. It could ruin everything. People risked their lives helping to move humans around under the radar. They couldn’t return if something went wrong.
Ajax took Serena’s pack off her shoulders and then watched her drop down onto her butt. She was tired. They both were from two days of walking while carrying their packs.
Ajax opened a bottle of water, removed the lid, and handed it to her. He opened them each a protein bar next and sat next to her, leaning his back against a large rock. After adjusting his weapon at his waist, he tipped his head back and sighed.
It was time to focus on the mission. Tonight they would sleep in a host’s home again. Tomorrow, he would leave Serena behind and make the last leg of the trip on his own.
Shadow in the Desert (Shadow SEALs) Page 14
