The Ballad of Ami Miles

by Kristy Dallas Alley

  “Maybe you’d like to go with me sometime?” he asked. He kept his voice light, but he looked hopeful. “It’s pretty good here at the lake, but I’ve been working on a boat so we can go out on the river sometimes too. But your mama and Penny aren’t much for fishing.”

  “It’s just so boring,” Penny said. “You have to be so quiet, or you’ll scare the fish. And we have to get up too early.” Mama nodded and laughed.

  “I don’t mind the early part; I’m not a night owl like Penny, but I like to putter around the house awhile before I have to go out or see anyone.”

  “Well, I like to be out in the mornings, and I don’t mind the quiet,” I said, but I felt suddenly shy. What would it be like to do things with Marcus, just the two of us? Having a good reason not to talk might be good. That way we could ease into things, get comfortable with each other. “I’d love to go with you sometime.” Marcus smiled, but Mama’s and Penny’s faces both lit up, and they looked at each other like they’d won a prize.

  “The girls are planning to ride on that float the kids are building for the Fourth,” Mama said to Marcus. I had a feeling she didn’t want to hear any more about Heavenly Shepherd just then.

  “Mama’s gonna make us matching dresses to wear,” Penny said, practically bouncing in her seat. Then she looked at me all embarrassed like she’d been caught, so I smiled and nodded like I was excited too. The truth was, I didn’t know how it felt to be excited about a dress, but I was open to the possibility. Mama started talking about fabric she’d brought back, which led to general gossip from their scavenging trip, and I felt grateful to let the focus shift away from me. I ate and let their talk wash over me, watching their faces and the way they leaned toward one another and away depending on who was talking. It still hurt a little to see them together like that, a family that had gone on without me all those years I spent missing my mama and wondering if she was alive, but it was a dull ache now. I’m here at this table, I told myself whenever I felt it throb. I’m part of this family; they want me here. It helped. Mostly.

  When we finished eating, we all helped clean up, even Marcus. That was something new for me. I tried to remember if I’d ever seen Papa Solomon or my uncles clear a plate or wash a dish, but I couldn’t come up with a single time. I wondered if Mama had asked Marcus to help with those things back when they first set up housekeeping together, or if he just did them. Either way, I was proud of my mother for doing things different now that she had the chance. She must have seen me watching him at the sink, because she smiled, and said, “Nothing in the Bible says a man can’t wash dishes, far as I know,” and winked at me. Marcus didn’t turn around, but I heard him laugh.

  Once the dishes were done, we all went into the little den and sat. I started feeling antsy—how would I excuse myself and go back to my room? Would they ask me to spend the night there? I couldn’t guess where I’d sleep, and even though things were going better, I knew I was getting close to my limit for togetherness. Even back home, I always liked my quiet time in my own space. But almost as soon as we sat down, my mother started to nod off.

  “Mama,” Penny said, “you’re fallin’ asleep. Why don’t you go on to bed?”

  “Oh,” I said, jumping up, “don’t let me keep you up. I’m just about ready for bed myself.”

  She got up and waved Penny away. “Don’t rush off on my account, Ami. I guess I’m still not caught up from travelin’. But y’all don’t mind me,” she said. Her eyes took in the three of us. She kissed Marcus on the cheek and hugged Penny, then stopped in front of me with a questioning look before hugging me too. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said. She patted my cheek and shuffled off to bed, and I excused myself back to the lodge and my own little room.

  Twenty-Three

  When I told Jessie what my mother had said about some kinds of love being unnatural, she didn’t seem too surprised. “Just because people can see things their way,” she said, “don’t mean they want to see things your way.” It was the morning after, and we were tending the corn, beans, and melons in the “three sisters” patch. The runner beans climbed the tall, straight corn plants, and the melon vines grew lush and wide-leafed along the ground, covering the soil to keep it cool and hold in water. When I asked her why this arrangement was called “three sisters,” she told me it was an old Native American way of growing three of their most important crops, except they usually did squash down low instead of melons. Jessie seemed to know all kinds of interesting little bits of information. She said she learned a lot of it in school or on her own in the library, which, according to her, was kind of the same thing—it was all Evi and Miss Jean. But she’d also learned things from Hillie and Sam and from her father and from all of the adults living around her in the compound.

  “Did my mother ever teach you anything?” I asked. She was quiet a minute before she answered.

  “I went to some sewing lessons she did for all of us kids, boys and girls. I was never much good at it. But she … I don’t know, I always kind of felt like your mama wasn’t too crazy about me.”

  “What makes you say that? Was she mean to you?” I asked, feeling defensive.

  “No, it was nothing like that. I’m not sure I can even put my finger on it. She just didn’t talk to me if she didn’t have to, I guess. At the time, I thought maybe … well, my daddy wasn’t the most well liked of men around here. Most people didn’t seem to hold that against me, but I thought maybe that was it. Except now…”

  “Now, what?” I asked.

  “Well, now I wonder if I didn’t remind her too much of you. Another little girl whose mama ran off and left her, you know? Maybe I brought up too many bad feelings for her.” I looked at Jessie, smiling, until she gave a nervous little laugh, and asked, “What?”

  “You,” I said. She made a face and shook her head. “No,” I said. “You’re just so … where I come from, there’s a lot of blaming. If you do something wrong, there’s no wondering why, just punishment, or at the very least, you’re made to feel ashamed. But you try to understand why people make mistakes instead of just getting mad about it. And it seems like you’re usually right about why too.” She shook her head and looked embarrassed.

  “Yeah, well, it’s easy to be understanding about things that don’t really hurt you. You’ve heard me talk about my daddy. How understanding did I sound about him?” she asked. I thought for a second and nodded.

  “Yeah, that makes sense. I guess that’s another good thing about having somebody who can help you think about things a different way. When it’s hardest to be understanding, they can do it for you, maybe.” I smiled, and she gave me one of her big smiles back. My stomach felt fluttery, and I wished we were somewhere more private.

  “I guess so,” she said, still smiling. Then she looked down at the ground and pointed. “Hey, look at that!” she said.

  “What?” I asked, not seeing anything.

  “Right there.” She pointed. “Here, come look.” She dropped down onto all fours so she was shaded by a wall of corn and bean plants. I dropped down beside her to see what she wanted to show me, but I still didn’t see it. “Right here,” she said more softly, then pressed her lips to mine. “Tricked you,” she said in a quiet, teasing voice, then she laughed and jumped back to her feet. She lightly tapped a big watermelon with her foot. “Looks like these’ll be ready to cut right on time for the Fourth,” she said. “Guess you better make sure you have somethin’ to wear. Can’t have you looking unpatriotic on my float.”

  “Oh, it’s your float now, is it?” I asked. My stomach was still doing flip-flops, but if she could play it cool, so could I. Maybe. She laughed.

  “Okay, our float,” she corrected herself. “Still, gotta go back over there and help your mama sew that dress.”

  “I know,” I said with a sigh. “I’m planning on going back over there after lunch. Since you’re so anxious to get rid of me.”

  “Can’t give ol’ Lissie another reason not to like me, now can I?” s
he said, moving along the row. I shook my head, feeling torn. I wanted to spend time with my family, of course I did! But giving up time I could be spending with Jessie was hard.

  “Speakin’ of places we need to go, I’ve been meaning to ask you about all that stuff with your friend Teenie.” I saw her back go all stiff, but then she turned to face me and put her hands on her hips.

  “Is that so?” she asked. I was nervous about upsetting her, and I guess she could tell because she smiled, and said, “It’s okay, Ami. I’m not gonna get mad just because you ask me a question.” I blew out the breath I’d been holding and nodded. She turned back to her work and started moving down the row again, but she talked as she did it.

  “I did go over there to see her. She’s … it don’t look good. Margie wants to use herbs to make the baby come on, but Teenie won’t do it because it’s so early. She said she can’t take losin’ another one.”

  “Did you try to talk her into it? Will and Hanna seemed to think she’d listen to you.” Jessie gave a sad little laugh and shook her head.

  “Teenie don’t listen to nobody. She didn’t listen to Margie about not havin’ another baby. She didn’t listen to me way back when Matt first got here and started sniffin’ around. I tried to tell her he was no good, that he wouldn’t be good for her. Then after what happened last time, I thought maybe he’d stay off her, but that’d be too much like right. When she got pregnant again, I tried to get her to get rid of it, but she wouldn’t listen to that either, and of course he didn’t try to talk sense into her.”

  “What do you mean, get rid of it?” I asked. She stopped and looked at me.

  “Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t know about that,” she said softly. “Well, it don’t always work, and it’s tricky, especially if you wait too long. But Margie has some herbs and a way to … to make you not pregnant anymore if you don’t wanna be.”

  “What?” I was shocked. “But … why? Why wouldn’t anyone want to be pregnant now, after everything that’s—” I couldn’t wrap my mind around such a thing.

  “Well, mostly it’s like this thing with Teenie, where it’s too dangerous for the mother to carry a baby. Even that doesn’t happen that often. But believe it or not, some people just don’t want babies. Some people aren’t fit to be parents, and they at least have sense enough to know it. They used to have pills and things that could keep you from gettin’ pregnant if you didn’t want to, but now…” She shrugged.

  “So the baby just … dies?”

  “Teenie might die! And anyway, she would’ve had to do it way back when she first started missin’ her cycle. It’s not really a baby then. You can’t even see it. It’s just like you take the herbs and you start your cycle a little later than you would’ve.”

  “But it’s going to be a baby!” I said. “You can’t say it’s not a baby just because you can’t see it yet.”

  “Well, that’s always been the part folks disagree on. There’s whole books about it—”

  “Gah! There’s books about everything around here, seems like. I just—I don’t know, Jessie. It seems like if we have a chance to bring new life into this world, we ought to do it.”

  “What if bringin’ that new life takes away the life of the one who’s carryin’ it? Doesn’t her life matter? She’s already here in the world, a whole person with people who love her and don’t want her to die!” Jessie’s eyes filled up and spilled over, and I knew we weren’t just talking about ideas and right and wrong. This was about a real person. A person she cared about. I went to her and hugged her. She buried her face in my shoulder and let it out.

  “Of course it does,” I said into her hair. “Of course her life matters. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

  “No,” she said, straightening up and taking just a small step back, “I know you didn’t mean it like that. It’s just—it’s hard to love somebody but have no control over what they decide to do, even when you can see they’re hurtin’ themselves. I just feel helpless. When she started spendin’ all her time with Matt instead of me, it felt like I lost her. But at least she was still here, and after a while things settled down and we sorta figured it out, how to still be friends even though…” She looked up at me but didn’t go on, and understanding settled over me.

  “Did you like Teenie in a way that … wasn’t just friends?” I asked. My heart was thudding in my chest, but I could see that Jessie needed to be able to tell me this. She ducked her head and shrugged her shoulders but didn’t move away.

  “Maybe. I mean, I didn’t really think so until Matt came around. We had just always been so close, and I was slow to … to grow up, I guess. But Teenie wasn’t, and by the time I started to catch up, she took up with Matt and I got left behind. But the way I felt then … it was worse than it shoulda been, maybe. If she was just my friend.” She looked up at my face to see how I was taking all this. The truth was I didn’t like it. But I also knew it didn’t really have anything to do with me or the way Jessie felt about me. I tried to imagine what it would be like if I felt this way about Jessie but she didn’t have those same feelings. It would be awful.

  “That must have been hard,” I said, and I meant it. I hated to think of Jessie hurting like that.

  “It was hard. But I got over it, I really did. I started spending more time studyin’ all those old ballads and stuff, listenin’ to all the records I could get my hands on, writin’ songs of my own. I found other things to take up my time. And then I met you.” She smiled and reached out for my hand.

  “Do you think I could go over there with you next time?” I asked. “I’d like to meet your friend.”

  She nodded and stepped closer, then wrapped her arms around me and rested her forehead against mine. “Thanks,” she whispered.

  We finished up and headed toward the lodge for lunch. She didn’t bring up my mother again, and I didn’t ask any more questions about Teenie. We talked and laughed while we ate, like always. Then, just as I was chewing my last bite of food, Nina and Penny came and sat down.

  “Hanna said to tell y’all they’re working on the float and to come help. Tomorrow is the Fourth! We’ve gotta finish it,” Nina said. “Everybody else is over there already.”

  “That sounds fun!” I said, jumping at the chance to spend more time with Jessie. But she nudged my knee with hers, reminding me I had other plans. “But I said I’d go back and help Mama sew. I was just about to head back to your house,” I said to Penny.

  “Oh, don’t worry about that,” Penny said with a little wave. “She was up at the crack of dawn like usual. She’s practically done with your dress and halfway through mine. As long as you let her do a final fitting on you, she’ll be happy.” I felt a little guilty at how relieved I was. “Anyway,” she said with a big grin, “I already told her I was taking you with me.” I couldn’t help but smile back at her.

  “Well, then I guess we’ll see y’all there,” Jessie said, hopping up and pulling me after her. She didn’t let go once we got outside, and we walked along with our hands swinging between us.

  Twenty-Four

  “I guess everybody knows now,” I said, but when Jessie raised her eyebrows and looked at me sideways, I hurried to add, “that me and Penny are sisters, I mean. That her mama is my mama and that’s why I’m here?”

  “Yeah, word spreads pretty fast around here. Everybody knows all your business whether you like it or not. That bother you?” she asked, and I got the feeling we weren’t just talking about my family business.

  “Nah,” I said, looking straight ahead. “I got nothin’ to hide. Do you?” I asked, wondering if it wasn’t just my business she was worried about. That swarm of butterflies was suddenly back in my stomach. She stopped and pulled me around to face her.

  “Nope,” she said, grinning. “But I don’t want to rush you. I already did that once and almost ran you off.” She laughed, but I thought it sounded just a little bit shaky. “I’m trying to do better about rememberin’ how new this all is for you. Take
it slow and all that.” She was looking down, embarrassed, and I stepped a little closer to her.

  “It’s me you’re worried about, is it?” I asked softly. She brought her eyes up to mine. My heart was thumping, and I grabbed her other hand to keep both of mine from shaking. “Well, I feel fine,” I said, fighting to keep my voice even. She was just the slightest bit taller than me, and she tilted her face down toward mine.

  “Yeah?” she asked, so soft I felt it more than heard it. I nodded and brought my face the rest of the way to hers until our lips touched, soft and still like that first kiss. It was still overwhelming but in a good way. I made myself step back, and we started walking again, my knees shaking just a little.

  “Don’t let me cramp your style, though,” I teased. “That reminds me—am I crazy, or did I hear somethin’ about Will being a little sweet on you?”

  Jessie snorted. “Oh Lord, that was a million years ago. And the feeling was not mutual, in case you didn’t hear that part,” she said.

  “Yeah, that sounds like what I heard,” I laughed. But remembering that conversation made me think of something else I’d heard. “Speakin’ of, what was all that with Ben, when y’all were talking about Teenie? And Hanna saying she understood better than anybody?” Jessie made a little oof sound.

  “Their mama died,” she said, “giving birth to Ben. Lost too much blood; Margie couldn’t stop it. Hanna was just a baby herself.” I felt sadness for Ben and Hanna shoot through me. And fear—I was still learning that having babies could be so dangerous for the mother. And for everyone who loved her.

  “Is that why Ben’s so quiet?” I asked. Jessie nodded.

  “Probably. But who knows? They’ve got a good daddy, and he’s been with this woman named Faye since they were still little. You can’t replace a mama, I guess, but she’s done her best. But yeah, I think Ben blames himself.” I nodded, almost sorry I’d asked. We were quiet the rest of the way, but we still held hands. And we were still holding hands when we got to the little covered work area. I saw Melissa notice, and she and Hanna smiled at each other and then at me. I felt myself blush, but I didn’t let go of Jessie’s hand.