The Ballad of Ami Miles

by Kristy Dallas Alley

  “Well, she’s right about that,” she said. “You just haven’t met the right boy, honey. When you do, you’ll know it.” I stood up and started pacing.

  “How will I know? Will I feel like I just found a piece of myself I didn’t even know was missing? Will I feel like I’ll die if he smiles at me and I’ll die if he doesn’t? Will I know because I’ve never felt so much like myself as I do when I’m with him?” Her face had gone from surprise to shock. “Because that’s how I feel with Jessie. And I know, I know, people can change, feelings can change, I get it! But that doesn’t mean these feelings I have right now aren’t real. I love her, and I don’t see that goin’ away anytime soon. So I hope you can find a way to be okay with that, because I didn’t run away from Papa and Ruth just so you could be the one to tell me that all I’m good for is making babies.”

  “Ami! I would never say that!” she said. She stood up and put her hands on my shoulders to stop my pacing. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like that. I guess it’s just … like I said, some of the old ways I was taught stuck a little harder than others. I’m sorry I ever said that about you and Penny maybe bein’ able to have babies. I shouldn’t have! All I want is for you to be safe and happy. That’s what I thought I was giving you by leaving you at Heavenly Shepherd, so I guess I’ve just never been any good at this.”

  “Don’t say that,” I said. “I was safe and happy most of the time, and I’m safe and happy now. But what would really make me happy is if we all go home together and you get to know Jessie and see that she wants the same things for me as you do.” She still looked doubtful, but she took a deep breath and nodded.

  “Okay,” she said. “I’ll try.”

  “Well, I’m glad that’s settled,” Penny called out. “I don’t think I can squat back here by this motor for much longer!”

  We docked at the fishing camp where Jacob had brought me years before, but I barely recognized it. It took us two more days to walk inland to the hi-way, and then there it was, Heavenly Shepherd. I felt so different, it was hard to believe the whole place looked exactly the same. We barely made it across the road and into the yard before Papa and Ruth came out the door.

  “Ami!” Ruth cried out. “Oh, thank you, Jesus! I was worried sick about you. How could you scare me like—” She’d been rushing toward me, but Papa reached out his hand to stop her. She looked at him like she wanted to push on past, but she obeyed.

  “The prodigal returns,” Papa said in his same slow way as always.

  “Hello, Daddy,” my mother said, and her voice only shook a little. “Mama.” Ruth put a hand over her mouth, but I could see that she was crying. Papa looked his daughter up and down, then did the same to Marcus and Penny. I was right beside her, but he didn’t look at me at all.

  “You got something you want to say to me?” Penny called out. I looked over, surprised, and saw that her hands were clenched into fists by her sides. “Maybe an ugly name you want to call me?”

  “Penny,” Marcus said, his voice low and warning. I reached over to take her hand, and when she opened her fist, it was shaking. Papa’s eyes got wider in his face, then he let out an ugly little laugh and looked back at my mother. Billie and Rachel had come out of the main house to stand behind him by then, and as we stood there, I saw Jacob and David come out of their trailers and freeze, taking in the scene. But when Amber came out, she let the door slam behind her and ran to where we stood.

  “Oh, thank God,” she said, wrapping me in a hug. “I was afraid I’d killed you, sending you out there like that.”

  “Yeah, we’re gonna have a talk about that,” my mama said, but she smiled when Amber hugged her next.

  “I always knew you’d be back here someday, draggin’ that little ragtag, half-breed family of yours behind you and beggin’ to come home. I don’t know why you think it’ll be any different this time,” Papa called out. Mama gasped like she’d been slapped. I saw Billie look at Ruth and shake her head in disgust, but my grandmother didn’t seem to notice. She was looking from me to Penny and back again, her hand still covering her mouth like she’d forgotten she held it there. I remembered my short hair, pulled up into a ball of curls at the crown of my head, and I knew she could see that I’d cut it. Penny wore hers the same way, and I wondered if Ruth thought we looked alike. Was she seeing what she could have had, what we could have had all these years?

  “She didn’t come to beg you for anything,” I said. “They came because I asked them to. Now are we gonna stand here in the yard all day, or are you gonna invite us in? It’s hot out here, and we got a lot to talk about.” Papa reacted before he could think about it, and for the first time in my life, I heard him yell.

  “Whore of Babylon!” he hollered. His words went through me like a shot, but I didn’t fall down dead.

  “Don’t you dare call her that!” my mother screamed, stepping out in front of me. “Don’t you dare stand there and think you can talk to my daughter that way!” Papa looked shocked. No one had ever talked to Solomon Miles that way. Not as long as I’d been alive.

  “Elisabeth.” Ruth finally spoke. “That is your father you’re speaking to. Show some respect.” My mother laughed a bitter, ugly laugh.

  “Respect? Respect, Mama? Like he respected me when he bred me to a stranger like a dog? Respect like he showed me when he spit in my face and turned me and my family out to freeze and starve? I knew we shouldn’t have come here,” she said, turning to Marcus. “This was a mistake, just like the last time.”

  “Ungrateful slut!” Papa hollered at her. “I gave you everything a good woman could want—a safe home, a family, plenty to eat. But you chose—”

  “That’s right, Daddy. I chose,” she hollered, turning back to face him. “That’s the part you really can’t stand, ain’t it? Sometimes I think you didn’t even really care about all that mixing of the races garbage. You just couldn’t stand the thought that I disobeyed you. That I could’ve done a single thing by myself, without your permission or your plans for me. You hated that so much that you turned away the one thing you always claimed to want!” Her voice broke then, and she put her arm around Penny’s shoulders and hugged her closer. They were both crying.

  “That’s not true,” Ruth said, but it sounded almost like a question. She was crying too.

  “Oh, Mama,” my mother said, and she sounded so tired. “You know it is.”

  “That’s enough,” Papa said. His voice was back to normal then, sure and controlled. “Ami, you come on in the house now. The rest of you can go back where you came from.” I laughed in disbelief. I looked down at the ground, trying to gather the courage to defy my grandfather for the first time in my life. I’d stood in this same spot staring at the ground the day I came home to find Zeke Johnson waiting for me. But what I saw now was my own two feet. Those feet had carried me far from home and back again, and I was not the same scared little girl I’d been that day. I looked up at him and caught his eyes with mine.

  “We’ve been traveling for two days, and we need to rest,” I said. “And then we’re gonna sit down as a family and talk.” They all looked at me then, and I heard Amber chuckle behind me. Papa stood there a few seconds, shaking with rage, then he turned around and went inside.

  “Ruth,” I started, but she just shook her head and followed him into the house. We all stood there for a minute, not sure what to do, until Rachel finally spoke.

  “You always were trouble,” she said with a smirk, and then she stepped forward and it was like a spell had been broken. Mama laughed, and suddenly we were surrounded by my aunts and uncles, everyone hugging and crying. They all exclaimed over Penny and how she’d grown from the tiny baby she’d been the only time they’d seen her.

  “Y’all favor!” Amber said, looking from me to Penny and back again. “I wouldn’t have thought it, but you really do.” Penny looked at me, and I could see she felt overwhelmed by so many adults fussing over her.

  “Of course we do,” I said, taking her hand a
gain. “We’re sisters.”

  After a whirlwind of cleaning and gathering of supplies from their own trailers, Rachel and Billie got us set up in one of the double-wides that had been sitting empty for years. I thought about Jessie packing up and clearing out of her cabin and wished I could be there to help. I wondered how Teenie was doing and if the baby had come yet. I hoped I would have the chance to meet them both when I got back to Lake Point. Please God, I prayed, watch over them and keep them safe. I wasn’t even sure I knew who I was praying to or if I believed it could make a difference anymore, but I figured it couldn’t hurt, and at least it felt like doing something.

  My aunts and uncles spent two days trying to convince Papa Solomon to sit down and talk to us, but he wouldn’t budge. That second night, though, Ruth came over to the trailer where we were staying. I was surprised—I’d never known her to go against Papa’s wishes, and I wondered what it would cost her. We all squeezed in around the little kitchen table—Ruth, Mama, Marcus, Penny, and me. My aunts and uncles sat nearby in the den where they could hear what was going on, even Amber. We all sat there for a few minutes without saying anything, and then Ruth sniffed and looked right at me.

  “Well, Ami,” she said in a quiet voice, “I can’t imagine what you think you have to say for yourself, but I don’t reckon I’ll ever see you again after this, so I came to hear it.”

  “What?” Penny blurted out. My mother looked at Marcus and held her hand out toward Ruth like you see? But I wasn’t really surprised. I took a deep breath before I answered.

  “If you don’t ever see me again,” I said softly, “that will be your choice, not mine.” I could see that I’d surprised her, and I pressed on. “You lied to me about Mama. And not just about her. Every day of my life, you kept things from me and taught me just the little bits of things that you wanted me to know.” Ruth shook her head and tried to interrupt, but I wasn’t finished. “You and Papa both, you think if you stay here and shut the world out, you can make whatever kind of truth you want, but it ain’t workin’. It never has. Your family is dyin’, and you put it all on me to save it, but I can’t do that. And I don’t even need to! There’s people still out there, Ruth, good people. We don’t have to stay here like this—”

  “That’s enough,” she cut in. She looked at me and shook her head. “You are just like your mama in spite of my best efforts,” she said. “Ungrateful, always thinkin’ you need more. We don’t have to stay here like this? There’s good people out there? Look what those good people have led you to already—wearin’ them clothes with your arms and legs stickin’ out everywhere, your hair cut short, talkin’ back to your elders. I’m ashamed of you, Ami. I thought I raised you better.” She might as well have slapped me. I felt tears well up and spill over, and all the words I could have said got caught in my throat. Penny stood up fast, almost knocking her chair over backward.

  “You’re awful!” she said, pointing a finger at Ruth.

  “Penny!” Mama said.

  “No! I’m not gonna sit here and listen to this … this … mean old lady talk to Ami like that!” She looked back at Ruth. “I don’t see you being brave enough to leave this place all by yourself. I don’t see you tryin’ to make things right with the people you’ve hurt like Ami is doing. She could have stayed at Lake Point with us and … her friends, and forgot all about you, but she wanted to try to talk sense to you and give you a chance to come back with us! I even wanted to meet you because you’re my grandmother. But you’re just … just…” Her shoulders slumped and she sat down hard, all the wind gone out of her. Marcus reached out to her, and she scooted her chair closer to his so she could rest her head on his shoulder. I saw Ruth watching them, but I couldn’t read her face. Then she got up and left without another word.

  In the end, Amber, Jacob, and Billie went with us, and Rachel and David stayed with Papa and Ruth. “I wish y’all would reconsider,” Mama said as we all stood in the yard to say goodbye.

  “Now, Lissie, we been over this already,” David said, hugging her. It turned out that Lissie had always been her nickname growing up. “We can’t leave them alone, as old as they’re gettin’, and somebody has to stay to keep the place up.” For who? I thought, but there was no point in saying it.

  “I’ll be back to check in from time to time,” Billie said. She hugged Rachel for a long time, and there were tears in both their eyes when they broke apart. “I promise.”

  “That’s a long trip for a woman alone,” Rachel replied, but Billie made a show of looking at me and then back at Rachel, and we all laughed. It would be hard on everyone, but we knew that Papa and Ruth wouldn’t live forever. Why did they have to be so stubborn? Couldn’t they see how much better life could be? There had to be a way to make them see. The whole way back to the boat, I kept thinking about all the supplies on the compound just sitting there going to waste, and then suddenly I wondered if we had anything at Lake Point Papa might be willing to trade for.

  There’s more than one way to skin a cat, I thought. Ruth taught me that.

  Epilogue

  We float on our backs, just past the end of the old dock, watching the sun set. It’s only Jessie and me this time, and I’ve got an ankle hooked over her tire tube so we don’t drift apart.

  “Summer’ll be over soon,” she says. “This might be the last chance for swimmin’.” I nod and make a noise of agreement that’s not quite a word.

  “You awake over there?” She laughs, splashing a little water toward my face.

  “You think that’d be the way to wake me up if I wasn’t?” I ask, making a bigger splash back at her. That’s all it takes, and it’s war. By the time I declare victory, the sun is all the way down, and I’m shivering as we climb back up to the dock.

  “Come on now,” I say. “I promised Teenie we wouldn’t be late. You know she’s tryin’ to get the baby on a schedule.”

  “I was thinkin’ maybe we could cancel,” she says, pulling me close. “We could just stay in…” She kisses me slow, and I’m tempted, but I pull away and start walking.

  “Now don’t you start that,” I say. “I’m sure she’s already cooked, and I’ve got one of Amber’s pies to bring.”

  “Another pie? Just how much sugar did that woman sneak out of there?” Jessie asks.

  “Had to be fifty pounds.” I laugh. “I couldn’t figure out why her bags were so heavy, but Amber never was one to pack light.”

  “I guess we’re just lucky it’s the baker she’s shacked up with and not a moonshiner,” Jessie says, “or we’d all be in trouble.”

  We walk back to the lodge to get cleaned up for dinner, swinging our hands between us the whole way.

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to Swoon Reads and all the amazing Swoon readers who read and loved Ami and helped her story to become a real book. Thank you to my insightful and steadfast editor, Holly West, who pushed me to make this book the best that it could be, even in the face of my denial/bargaining/acceptance cycle every time she gave me notes. Thanks to Kat Brzozowski for lending her expertise for line edits, and to everyone else at Macmillan who helped make this book what it is. And bottomless thanks to the authors of the Swoon Squad for your support, transparency, commiseration, celebration, and unfailing awesomeness in all things.

  Thank you to the wonderful writer Cary Holladay for teaching me to “begin on the day that is different,” for introducing me to the work of Lee Smith, which in turn introduced me to Appalachian ballads, and for graciously referring to me as a writer during all the years that I wouldn’t make that claim for myself. Thank you to Lee Smith, my favorite living author, who read and believed in this book and tirelessly encouraged me not to give up on getting it published. I cannot overstate the debt that I owe to both of these incredible writers and their work.

  I have somehow managed to find myself surrounded by smart, fabulous, wildly supportive women who help to keep me sane. Thank you to the #1 Ladies Book Club, and to my soccer team, the Ruby Slippers,
for celebrating my successes and for sustaining me with your friendship throughout this process. Thanks to Melissa Whitby for being my unfailing ride-or-die in this and all endeavors. Special thanks to Marilyn Koester, Stephanie Chockley, and Chip Chockley for the way you enthusiastically dove into reading and supporting this book, and especially to Chip for taking not one but two rounds of headshots even though there has never been a more thankless task.

  Thank you to all my students for inspiring me and keeping me grounded. Thank you to my work wives, Niki Yarbrough and Shonda Keys, for keeping me laughing and feeling appreciated and loved throughout this process, and to Lischa Brooks for being so excited for me that she put my announcement in the parent newsletter.

  Thank you to Richard Alley for showing me what it looks like to write because you love it and because you have no choice, and to our kids, Calvin, Josh, Somerset, and Genevieve, for being excited about this book while also acting like of course I would write a book and get it published, NBD. And thank you to my parents for being proud and supportive of me, even though I’ve always made things complicated.

  About the Author

  Kristy Dallas Alley is a high school librarian in Memphis, Tennessee, where she lives with her husband, four kids, three cats, and an indeterminate number of fish. She studied creative writing at Rhodes College in another lifetime and holds a Master of Science in Instruction and Curriculum Leadership from the University of Memphis. In an ideal world, she would do nothing but sit on a beach and read every single day of her life, but in reality she's pretty happy reading on her front porch, neglecting the gardens she enthusiastically plants each spring, and cooking huge meals regardless of the number of people around to eat them. The Ballad of Ami Miles is her debut novel. You can sign up for email updates here.