“Charlie has rejected me.” Aunt May’s brows fly up. She doesn’t ask or say anything, but I can tell she’s waiting for me to elaborate. “He told me not to contact him again.”
“I see.”
“So, he’s…” I shrug. “Abandoning me too.”
“What was the context of the rejection?”
“What do you mean?”
“What did you propose that he rejected you for?” My cheeks flush, because I don’t think Aunt May wants such graphic details. “Oh, I see. You wanted a booty call. Right?”
I clear my throat, then nod. “Right.”
“And he said no?”
“He didn’t say no, he told me not to contact him again.”
“And prior to this, was there an arrangement about having sex?”
“To begin with there was. We both knew it was only sex, and that was it. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that.”
“What changed?” Aunt May asks.
“Charlie said he wanted more, and I can’t give him more.”
“Why can’t you? Do you not like him?”
I look at the thin blanket on the bed, and smooth my hand across a small lump. “Because everyone fails me.”
“Ah, I see. So you do like him?”
“It’s not like that.” I rub my temples, refusing to admit anything. Because once I’ve said it out loud, then there’s no turning back. But worse than that, I’ll be leaving myself open for disappointment, and more abandonment. “I don’t want to feel like I have been. Mom… Dad… Dorothy… Yasmin…” I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. Trusting people only to have them constantly reject me.”
“Tabby,” Aunt May says trying to get me to focus on her.
My heart hurts, and I can feel my throat restricting as tears well in my eyes. “I’ve never been anyone’s priority, Aunt May. And I never will be.”
“Not if you push them away like you have with Charlie. You have to give people a chance too, Tabby. If you don’t give them an opportunity to…”
“Disappoint me? No thank you,” I say cutting her off. “If I don’t give anyone the chance, they can’t tear my heart out and stomp all over it.”
“Darling girl, what you’re doing is hiding from life, and what happiness can that bring?”
“I’d rather hide than constantly be hurt because everyone rejects me. I can’t take it anymore. If my own parents don’t want me, how can I believe a total stranger will? Let’s face it, Aunt May. I wasn’t made to be loved. I just… exist.” I half shrug. But the hurt streaming through me is hard to let go of.
“You need to go see your parents and talk to them.”
“Do you know Mom actually said she never wanted me?”
Aunt May’s inhales abruptly causing her to snort with anger, her mouth falling open as she clutches her chest. “She said what?”
“She was on the phone once, talking with one of her fake friends, and told her she never even wanted a child but she had to give Dad an heir.”
“Oh dear child. That horrid woman is vile.”
“She’s your sister,” I say.
“Only by blood,” Aunt May replies with disgust. She’s hurt by what my mother said, probably as much as I was when I heard it. “I’m going to call her!”
“No, please don’t. She said this years ago. Remember when I called you and said I was on my way?”
“Oh yes, you were what, seventeen?”
“Something like that.”
“And you’ve kept this from me for all these years?”
“What could you or anyone else do about it? She said it; the words left her mouth. It can’t be undone. She told her friend she didn’t want me.”
“And what did your father say when you told him?”
“I never said anything. Dad’s always busy. I think he loves me. But he never had time for me, so I don’t know.” I lift my shoulders slowly. “I figure if I don’t allow Charlie in, then he can’t abandon me, right?”
“This knee-jerk reaction of shutting everyone out isn’t healthy, Tabby.”
“I trust you,” I say honestly.
“And so you should, I’ve never given you a reason not to. But you have to open your heart to others. Charlie is a good man; Hope is a good woman. They’re not the type to up and leave you.”
“You don’t know that. They might decide Hope River isn’t for them anymore. If Hope and River break up, then there’s nothing holding them here. And from my understanding, Hope and Charlie are tight. They have a close-knit bond, so if one leaves, I can bet you anything, the other will pack up and go too.”
“So, you’re saying you’re hedging all your bets on Hope and River splitting up, because you’re convinced Charlie will leave if they do? Right?”
“Of course… Wait, no.” Huh. “No, that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean?” Aunt May folds her arms in front of her chest defensively, like she’s check-mated me.
“I have to protect myself.”
“From love?”
“From life,” I correct.
“Tabby, you have years of neglect that you need to deal with. It’s not going to get easier as you get older. It’s actually, going to get worse, to the point where you’ll become a grumpy old spinster. But let me tell you this. One day, my end will come, and you, my dear girl, will have isolated everyone. You’ll be alone.”
“But at least it won’t hurt.”
Aunt May smiles. “And that right there, is bullshit. Because it’s better to have lost someone you’ve loved with all your heart than to never have felt that amazing…” She closes her eyes and places her hand over her heart. “…complete vulnerability and soul-possessing love.” She opens her eyes, and looks at me with the widest smile. “I’d give my life for one more moment with Henry. Just one. To have him look at me with utter love in his eyes. To have him take me in his arms, and hold me closely as we sway under a starless sky with no music. To have his lips on mine, just one more time.” She touches her mouth as her eyes close again for only a moment. “Sweet girl, those are the wonderful memories I hold onto, but you’ll never know anything like them if you don’t allow yourself to heal.”
“I don’t know how.”
“First, you need to go home, and talk to your parents. Face how they hurt you. Do you want me to come with you? I think I’d like to have a word to that sister of mine.”
This isn’t something Aunt May can do for me. “Thank you.” I push up off the bed, and give Aunt May a kiss on the cheek. “I’ve always been able to rely on you.”
“Yes, you’re right.”
I chuckle. “Thank you,” I say again as I hug her. She gives me a reassuring squeeze, let’s go, and walks out of my room. She’s said what she needed to. Now she’s letting me think. Henry died well before I ever came to Hope River or was even born. I never knew him, or that he was who Aunt May loved, though I always suspected.
But right now, I have more pressing matters to deal with. Like going back home and confronting my parents. My mother specifically. Although my father never said anything horrible, he was still neglectful, and they need to know how their behavior has affected my life.
The sooner I do this, the better it’ll be. If nothing positive comes out of this, at least they’ll know what hand they’ve had in my fucked-up life.
Tabitha
Past
“Tabitha, in my office, please,” Jeremy, the boss, calls over all the other chefs to me.
I look at Yasmin, and shrug my shoulders. “Do you know what’s going on?” I stop to whisper before I head into Jeremy’s office.
“I have no idea. Maybe it’s something about that promotion.” She smiles wide. “You deserve it, so hopefully that’s exactly what it is.”
My own smile stretches my mouth, and I damn well hope it is. I’ve been working my butt off to get to this point. “I’ll let you know tonight. By the way, it’s your turn to
cook,” I say as I flick her butt with a tea towel.
“I’ll let Floyd cook.” We both wrinkle our noses up, because Yasmin’s boyfriend Floyd can make nothing edible. “Alright, I’ll cook.”
We look at each other and say in unison, “Floyd can clean.”
“Wish me luck,” I say as I take a step backward.
“Luck.” Yasmin turns forward, and continues preparing for tonight’s dinner service.
I walk to Jeremy’s office, and knock on the closed door “Come in,” he yells from the other side.
I straighten my chef whites, and look down to make sure I look presentable. Squaring my shoulders, I inhale deeply and enter his office. I’m so excited. I hope he’s offering me the promotion. Jeremy is working at his desk, and looks up at me. He’s an older man, maybe in his fifties, but man, is he nice looking. He has the sexiest jawline I’ve ever seen on a man. Apparently, before he was a restaurateur, he was a male model. I can see that. Now, he has one of the top restaurants that has up to a six-month wait for a reservation.
“Ah, Tabitha, close the door.” He looks down at his paperwork again, waiting for me to follow his instructions.
Stepping inside, I close the door, and stand by the door. “You wanted to see me?” Please tell me it’s about the sous chef position. Please, please, please. The butterflies in my stomach are as excited as I am.
“I don’t know if you’re aware, but I’m opening another restaurant,” he says while still keeping his head down, working on something.
“Yes, sir, I’m aware.”
“And there’s a sous chef position opening up there, and another here.”
I look over my shoulder to the closed door. “Shannon’s leaving?” I ask, unaware of that bit of information.
“Yes, Shannon’s leaving. She’s found a job elsewhere. Head chef I believe. Tonight’s her last night.”
Holy shit. Two positions! Eeeek. “Okay,” I say, still hoping he’s going to ask me to be sous chef.
“Would you consider an opportunity to become sous chef, here or the other restaurant?”
I beam with so much pride. A sous chef at a fine dining restaurant on this level at my age! Oh my God! I never imagined I could become a sous chef on this level at twenty-one. Never. I mean, I only finished my apprenticeship less than two years ago. It takes people decades to get to sous chef level. “I absolutely would consider such an honor,” I say.
“Great, suck my cock.”
What? Huh? “Sorry?” I say, temporarily taken aback because I think I heard him proposition me. No, he wouldn’t do that. He’s never said or done anything inappropriate in the time I’ve been working here. I must have misheard him. “Pardon?” I say again and lean forward a touch in case he was mumbling.
“If you want to be my sous chef, come over here, get under the desk, and suck my cock.”
I look around the room confused. I nervously chuckle. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m happy to give you the job, but you have to suck my cock first.” He sits back, and starts unzipping his pants.
“What? No, I’m not going to do that. No!”
“Then you don’t want the job?” he asks as he stares at me with a straight face.
“I’m really confused here, Jeremy. Am I being pranked or something? I’ve worked for you since the last two years of my apprenticeship, and you’ve never been like this.” I gesture toward his hand digging into his pants. “What’s going on?”
He takes his dick out, and it stands half-erect. He starts stroking himself. “You want the job, come over here and suck me off. You’re a pretty girl, Tabitha, and I’ve often thought about wrapping that long blonde hair around my hand, while I fuck your face.”
I feel like I’m going to throw up. “No. I don’t want the job based on how well I give you head. I’m sorry, no.”
“I tell you what, you have til the end of the week to reconsider. If you want that job, you’ll come in on Friday, lock the door behind you, and suck my cock. If not, then you’ll remain a line chef and never progress any further.”
I hesitate, still unsure about what the hell just happened. Do I leave, do I stay? Do I scream? Do I say something to someone? I don’t know what to do. I’m shocked, and flustered. Fuck, what do I do?
“You can go,” he says as he continues to rub his cock. “Unless you want to stay and watch me cum. If you do, let me cum on your face.”
“What the actual fuck, man?” I mumble as I turn and bolt out of his office.
I’m completely dumbfounded. Do I go back to work? How can I? What the hell? What do I do? If I tell anyone, will they believe me? Jeremy’s never done anything like this before.
Huh?
“How did it go?” Yasmin whispers as I walk past her in a daze.
“Huh?” I murmur.
“Are you okay? What happened?” Yasmin places her knife down, and comes over to me. “Tabitha, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she asks again.
Still dumbfounded, I look over my shoulder in case Jeremy is in the kitchen, which he isn’t. “No. I’m going home.”
“Did something happen?”
I look around to make sure we’re not being watched, and pull her into the cool room. Closing the door behind us, I pace the short length of the room. It’s barely big enough for the both of us, but I have to tell her. “Jeremy just hit on me.”
“What?” Yasmin asks, just as surprised as I am.
“He told me I can have the sous chef job, if I give him a blowjob.” I stand still, waiting for her reaction. But I’m surprised by her lack of shock.
“At least he’s good looking,” she adds with a slight shrug.
“Yasmin, I’m not going to do that. I should only get the job if I’m qualified for it, not because I gave him head. Anyway, who says it’ll stop if I do? It might be sucking his cock today, but tomorrow he might want more. But that’s beside the point. He freaking hit on me, Yasmin.”
She shrugs again. “It could be worse. He could be fat and have sweaty balls.”
I grab onto her shoulders, and stare at her. “This is serious! This is sexual harassment.”
“Oh. Come on, Tabitha, you’re gorgeous. Don’t tell me you’ve never been hit on before?”
“He’s holding a job I’ve worked hard for over my head to try and coerce me into sex.”
“It’s just sucking him off. It’s not that bad. He didn’t say he wanted to have sex with you, did he?”
I shake my head with mixed emotions flowing through me. I’m revolted by him, but by Yasmin’s obvious blasé attitude toward this. “Look, I’m going home. Can you cover for me?”
“You okay?” she asks, now suddenly concerned by my reaction. But if anyone should be worried, it’s me. “Look,” she says as she takes a breath. “It’s probably a misunderstanding. If anyone deserves to be sous chef, it’s you. You’re so good at this, so far advanced for someone your age. Hell, you’re so much better than me, and I thought I was good. Just, go home, and relax. Tomorrow it’ll be different, okay?”
I stare at her, still perplexed by this whole experience. “Cover for me, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I should be home by eight.” I nod my head absentmindedly. Taking my bag, I walk out of the restaurant and Yasmin goes back to her station.
Hell, in all the years I’ve been here, I’ve had two sick days, and no personal leave. If they want to fire me over me leaving early, let them. I don’t care.
Thankfully our apartment isn’t far from the restaurant, although I walk home in a confused daze.
“Nah, that can’t have happened,” I say trying to convince myself that I’m going mad. “Jeremy didn’t just accost me in his office, suggesting the only way I can make sous chef is if I was sexual with him?” I shake my head, now unsure that it actually happened. “Nah,” I say again. “Nah. Jeremy’s married, he’s never hit on me before. Nah.” Nope, I’ve misinterpreted something, I’m sure of it.
Then why did he pul
l his penis out of his pants and start stroking himself? Nope, he didn’t do that. You’re imaging shit, Tabitha. He didn’t do that.
Yeah, he did.
So, who’s going to believe you? No one has ever spoken about him being sleazy, hell, everyone speaks very highly of Jeremy.
Nope, it can’t have happened. It just can’t. I open the door to our apartment building, and head over to the elevators, pressing the up button and waiting until the doors ding open.
Once in, I catch my reflection in the shiny brass wall, and notice how pale and drawn my face is. When I get to our apartment, I go into my bathroom and stare at my washed-out features. My eyes look dull green, and I have a thin layer of sweat beading on my hairline. “Did he really…?” I can’t even bring myself to finish the sentence.
It’s all in my head, I’m going to crazy.
I turn the shower on, strip, and get in. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I ask myself as I place my hand on the wall to steady myself. I need sleep. I’m overworked, and I haven’t been sleeping properly. Yeah, that’s what’s wrong with me. I’m tired. My mind is playing tricks on me because I’m tired and need a break. Maybe I should take some time and go see Aunt May, she’s always happy to see me. And truth be told, I love seeing her too.
I wash my hair and myself, and get out of the shower. I quickly dry myself, before wrapping my hair in a towel, and laying on my bed. It’s still light outside, but it’ll be dark soon. I lie on my side, and look out the huge window taking up a third of the wall. The view is of the building opposite, but I don’t mind. That building is old and oozes so much character and warmth that I like looking at it before I go to sleep. It calms my mind.
Yawning, I convince myself that I was wrong. He couldn’t have done any of those things, and because I’m so tired, it’s all in my head. Closing my eyes, they don’t open again until I hear Yasmin in the kitchen.
I stretch in bed, hearing Yasmin’s and Floyd’s muffled voices. Instantly, I recall the conversation I had earlier with Jeremy. I’ve nearly convinced myself that it didn’t happen. Nah, it’s in my head. It has to be. I imagined it all.
Healing Hearts: A friends with benefits, small town romance (Hope River Book 3) Page 9
