A Moment Too Late

by Rachael Brownell

  We stay like that for a few minutes, our bodies intertwined as we both come down from our orgasms.

  “Now,” he begins as he pulls his clothes back on after we’ve both showered off the sweat and scent of sex from our bodies, “there will be no more talk of going into the park tonight. I have a better plan.”

  “Of course you do.”

  “I need to put on clean clothes first and get ready. You should stay naked and wait in bed for me to return.”

  Tempting. So very tempting.

  “I’m already cold,” I retort, reaching into my suitcase for a sweater, the damp towel around my body sending a shiver up my spine when air kicks out of the vent at my feet.

  “I promise to warm you up,” he replies, wiggling his eyebrows at me as he slowly backs out of my room, barely opening the door enough to slip his large body through the opening before disappearing.

  I’ve managed to slip into a bra and clean underwear, tossing my shredded ones in the garbage, when I hear the door to my room open. I’m standing in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, contemplating my recent decisions. It’s only been a few minutes since Jay left me, so when the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, I cower behind the partially closed door and peek into the room.

  He’s sitting on my bed. Phone in hand. Tapping the screen without a care in the world.

  “How the hell did you get back here so fast?” I ask.

  We haven’t talked much about where he’s been staying. I know it’s close, because he’s never gone that long, but he’s been sleeping here so I never really gave it much thought.

  “It’s a short walk next door,” he says without looking at me. “Aren’t you supposed to be naked?”

  “I am,” I reply flippantly as I pull my sweater over my head with a grunt. “You’re staying next door? I thought this was the only B&B on the street.”

  “It is.”

  “Who lives next door?”

  “Hell if I know.”

  “Jay,” I say, a tone of warning in my voice as I draw his name out.

  “What?” he asks, finally looking up at me. When he bats his eyes at me, pleading innocence, I rest my hands on my hips and shake my head at him. “Fine. I’m staying in the room next door.”

  It all starts to click. It was him outside of my door that first night. He knew when I was awake because he could probably hear my alarm clock. He’s never gone more than a few minutes to change. And he brought me coffee in Hideaway mugs this morning. I guarantee Brandon Royal would have had a fit if he saw someone off the street helping themselves to his coffee station that early in the morning.

  “All this time you’ve been right next door?”

  “No. I’ve been right here. With you. I’m just renting the room next door. If I’d known you planned to take me captive, I wouldn’t have bothered to let Spencer make a reservation for me.”

  “Spencer?”

  That little shit. He’s been pulling the strings this entire time. Playing puppet master.

  “Speaking of Spencer,” I continue, stepping into a pair of black, skinny jeans and almost toppling over in the process. If the desk hadn’t been within reach, I would have landed in a heap on the floor. “Why are he and Mia both under the impression that we’re in love with each other?”

  “Aren’t we? Haven’t we loved each other silently for years, denying our feelings to avoid hurting other people’s feelings?”

  I open my mouth to deny his words. To rip them apart and throw them in the garbage with the underwear he tore from my body. However, no words come out as I stare at Jay. His eyes are watching me, waiting for me to confess my deepest, darkest sins and set myself free.

  Something I swore I would never do.

  “I love you, Andrea. I have since the moment you fell into my arms. Before I knew anything about you, I was drawn to you. Your classic beauty, blonde hair, and deep sapphire eyes. It was your soul that spoke to me that day, though. It wrapped itself around my heart. I knew instantly that I loved you. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind, and you know who was waiting for me when I walked in my apartment that afternoon? Spencer.

  “He took one look at me and asked who you were. He hadn’t seen us. Didn’t know we’d met. He saw I was a changed man. I didn’t even know your name and I was ready to drop to one knee. He saw love in its rarest form. He also saw the devastation on my face when I brought Sam home that night. And when I told him about you, about who you were, he encouraged me to be honest with Sam. To be honest with you. To break it off with her and follow my heart.”

  “But you were a good guy and you didn’t want to hurt her.”

  “I didn’t want to hurt either of you, and I knew if I took Spencer’s advice, no one would win. So, yes, Drea, I love you. I have for years. I always will. I can’t explain it any better than that. I never believed in love at first sight before I met you, but I know what I felt in that moment, what I still feel every time I look at you.”

  “And what’s that?” I ask, finally forcing my leg into my forgotten jeans and righting myself.

  “Home. I feel like I’m home. Like my soul is at peace because it’s found it’s match.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jay’s words are a lot to process. The fact that he feels the same way I do has my heart wanting to do a little dance and hide at the same time. It’s scary, knowing the one person in the world you want to be with, the one person you’ve always wanted to be with, wants to be with you, too.

  It’s like winning the lottery.

  Overwhelming. Exciting.

  There’s a giant check with a bunch of zeros. A million things run through your mind. What you’ll do with the money. How different your life will be now.

  Then realization smacks you in the face.

  You can’t cash that check, it’s just for show.

  The money … it’s real but it’s dangerous.

  That new life you’re envisioning, do you really deserve it?

  Doubt has worked its way into my mind, and in true Andrea fashion, I do what I do best.

  I change the subject.

  “I think we have it,” I state, buttoning my pants, turning away, and beginning to refold and pack my suitcase. “The profile is as strong as it can get. We know who he is, and hopefully after I deliver it tomorrow, we’ll know his name as well.”

  The bed creaks and a shiver runs up my spine as he approaches. My body tenses when he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me back against his firm chest.

  “Do you remember the time it snowed?”

  I nod my head but remain silent.

  “I was walking across campus and flakes started falling from the sky. I remember thinking how amazing it was. It was the first and only time it snowed in the four years I’d been here. It wasn’t even that cold out. The snow hit the ground and melted on contact.”

  I remember that day. School had only been back in session for a week and I was already stressed about graduation. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen snow in my life, but you would think it was by how I reacted. I was in awe as Sam and I exited the student center. She threw her bag to the ground and started spinning around in a circle, tongue hanging out, attempting to catch the tiny flakes. While it excited her, it calmed me.

  “As beautiful as the snow was, do you know what was even more striking? You,” he says, not bothering to wait for me to answer. “Sam was spinning around, laughing, but you were just standing there. Arms stretched out wide, face to the sky. You looked like an angel in your puffy white coat, the sun spotlighting you. There was a look of pure content on your face. Peace. I fell in love with you a little more that day.”

  Shaking away the memory, I attempt to pull out of his embrace, but he only tightens his hold.

  “Are you coming with me tomorrow when I give the profile?” I ask.

  “Then there was the time Sam and Mia dragged you on stage for karaoke. I could tell you were nervous. You were biting your bottom lip, sucking it between your
teeth and fidgeting with your hair. When the song started it was like your confidence exploded on the stage. The three of you started shaking it to Taylor Swift and all your worries seemed to fade away. It was a side of you I’d rarely seen, and I fell a little more that night.”

  That night feels like it was a lifetime ago. It was the end of summer. I was about to start my final year of college, and Sam was hellbent on getting me up on stage. I tried to reason with her, considering my singing voice was atrocious, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer. She never did.

  I had no idea Jay was there that night.

  Not that it would have mattered at the time. It was either get on stage or listen to Sam bitch for two weeks. Shaking my ass won out, and I pulled Mia up there to take some of the attention away from me.

  When I don’t comment, Jay continues down memory lane, “The night you and Sam broke the ping pong table the first time I almost lost it. I was angry with her for getting so drunk, but I was also concerned she was taking you down with her. And I blamed myself. When you two almost fell, I freaked out. Had Spencer not pulled me aside and calmed me down, I would have lost my shit in front of everyone. There would have been no denying how I felt after that.

  “But it was New Year’s Eve when I finally decided to stop hiding from the way I felt about you. You walked in my apartment in that little black dress. It sparkled in the light, hugged your body in all the right places. The dip in the back had my hands itching to touch you. You looked so sexy I had a wicked hard-on all night. I kept adjusting the front of my pants, thinking someone would notice. But you seemed oblivious. You barely glanced in my direction. It was like you didn’t even see me.”

  “I saw you. You were wearing black jeans and a gray Henley. You hung out in the kitchen by the keg most of the night, watching the beer pong tournament.”

  “You kept your back to me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off your ass every time you bent forward to take your shot. When Spence and I played you and Sam, it was hard to concentrate because I kept imagining what you looked like under your dress. I knew you weren’t wearing a bra, but I wanted to know if your panties matched your dress. Were they black? Would they sparkle in the light?”

  His voice fades away as I replay that night in my mind. Sam and I kicking ass at beer pong. Her getting so drunk she passed out early. Spencer and Mia saying good-bye before the ball dropped, leaving me and Jay alone with only a handful of people that hadn’t passed out.

  The words Spencer whispered in my ear as he held me tight, wishing me a happy new year.

  A new year, a new chance. The slate’s been wiped clean. Make the most of it, Beauty Queen.

  I remember laughing at him because he rhymed and called me Beauty Queen. He was fairly drunk when they left but Mia was coherent. Her words didn’t have the impact Spencer’s seemed to.

  It’s time to start living and stop hiding, Andi.

  Looking back now, they should have. Her message was perfectly clear. They all knew what we were hiding. We weren’t fooling anyone, except ourselves. Which means Sam probably knew and never said anything.

  “They all knew, didn’t they?” I ask, turning my head so I can look in his eyes as he answers.

  “I think so.”

  “Even Sam?”

  Jay flinches but his smile never wavers. “If she did, she was in denial as much as we were. Sam loved me and I loved her,” he continues, his stare penetrating me as he speaks. The jealousy I expect to feel never surfaces. “She was a fighter and wasn’t ready to give up on us even though I think we both knew we weren’t meant to last. We didn’t talk about our future. Not once in the two years we were together.”

  “Why wouldn’t she say something? Why wouldn’t she confront us? It’s not like she was afraid of confrontation.” If anything, Sam was less filtered than any of us. She spoke her mind. You never had to guess what she was thinking or how she felt. Which makes me wonder why, if she knew there was something more between Jay and I, she never mentioned it. To anyone.

  “I think she was afraid to be alone. We were all getting ready to graduate, to leave town, and she had one more year of school. If she thought she was going to lose you in a few months anyway, she would have wanted to cherish the time she had left with you.”

  “And you,” I quickly add, averting my eyes and focusing on the mess that is my suitcase. Clothes are hanging over the edge. There are a few random pieces strewn around the room from where Jay’s tossed them in his haste to get me naked. “Why would she hold onto you?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe it was her way of holding on to all of us. If she let me go, I would have run to you. It was either lose us both or keep silent and things don’t change.”

  Little memories flash through my mind. Things that seemed insignificant at the time but now are like blinking neon signs.

  “The camping trip,” I whisper.

  “The summer before senior year? What about it?”

  “She didn’t want to go. She was trying to get out of it.”

  “And?” he asks, not following my train of thought.

  “She pushed me to go and tried to back out at the last second. It would have been me and you and Spencer and Mia. Instead of having a fifth wheel, it would have been two pairs. If I hadn’t forced Sam to go …” I let my voice trail off.

  “She was setting us up. She wanted to see what would happen if we were left alone, without her around.”

  “Yeah. She tried to back out of the weekend we spent at the lake that summer, too. And our trip to Nashville.”

  The argument I had with Sam the night before we left for Nashville is suddenly fresh in my mind.

  “Just go without me. I’m not really feeling it.”

  “It was your idea,” I practically scream as I zip up my overnight bag.

  “I hate the city. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She’s avoiding eye contact, fingering the pages of the latest romance novel I picked up at the bookstore that afternoon.

  “If you’re not going, I’m not either. I only agreed because you insisted I come with you guys. I’m the odd man out as it is.”

  “If I’m not there you won’t be.”

  “If you’re not there, I have no reason to go. Don’t get me wrong, I love our friends, but you’re the only reason I know them. You’re the glue, Sam. My sister from another mister. If you’re not feeling this trip, fine. I’ll stay here with you. We’ll binge watch Gilmore Girls from the beginning and eat junk food all weekend.”

  It’s more of a trick than anything. Sam is the only person I’ve ever met that isn’t a fan of Gilmore Girls. Being from a small town, the show doesn’t appeal to her, I guess.

  Sam smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I can tell she’s not happy about going but she’s relenting so I don’t give it a second thought. “Fine. We can go.”

  Vivid images of Jay trying on cowboy hats brings a smile to my face. He notices, turns me in his arms, and gently presses hip lips to mine.

  “Remembering all the fun we had that night?” he asks when he pulls away.

  “Actually, I was thinking about how silly you looked in all the cowboy hats you insisted on trying.”

  Jay’s bark of laughter startles me, causing me to jump back, tripping over my own two feet, sending me flailing toward the cold, wood floors. I’m not surprised when he catches me before I land, pulling me up and into his arms.

  “I’ve got you.”

  “That seems to be something you say a lot.”

  “Well, if you’d stop trying to kiss the ground,” he jokes, kissing my forehead before moving lower to my nose, and finally the place I want him most, my lips.

  Putting every emotion I have into that kiss, I try and show Jay how I feel about him since I’m unable to say the words aloud, too scared to confess everything. I shouldn’t be. He’s already said he loves me. For some reason admitting it to him, to myself, that I feel the same, scares me more than losing him by remaining silent.

  “We should pro
bably get going,” he mumbles against my lips before capturing my reply.

  Spencer and Mia are probably waiting for us. Wondering why we ran out earlier. Spencer has texted Jay no less than half a dozen times asking for information. Wanting to know what we’ve pieced together.

  Pressing my palms against his chest, his heart beats out a steady rhythm beneath my hands as I push him away. The loss of his lips against mine is heartbreaking but necessary. I could live the rest of my life happily if he kept kissing me. Who needs food or water when you have love?

  As the thought crosses my mind, my stomach rumbles.

  “I guess we should probably feed you, too,” Jay says with a laugh.

  “Yeah. I could go for some bar food. The greasier the better.”

  After quickly fixing my hair and applying the red lipstick I bought before leaving LA in honor of Sam, Jay and I are out the door in five minutes and walking hand in hand through the old, wooden doors of Riley’s Pub ten minutes later. Mia and Spence are seated at a table in the corner, laughing with a few familiar faces when we finally spot them through the crowd.

  As we approach a tingling sensation washes over me. The closer we get, the stronger the feeling is. Giving Jay’s hand an accidental squeeze when I shiver, he pulls me to a stop and gives me a questioning look.

  “He’s here. I know it. I can feel it,” I explain, leaning in close so I don’t have to holler over the loud music and conversations happening around us.

  The place is packed. There are people standing shoulder to shoulder at the bar. Mindi looks like she’s ready to pull her hair out every time someone hollers her name, and the waitresses are sprinting back and forth from the bar to tables.

  I worked here for two years and it was never this busy. Not once.

  This is for Sam.

  And it appears the entire town has shown up to show their support.

  Every face seems familiar. Every voice bringing back forgotten memories. I can still remember what most of them would order to drink. Who tipped well. Who was stingy. Who to keep an arm’s length from after a few drinks.