Barry Loser and the Birthday Billions

by Jim Smith

  Sharonella looked at Nancy, who looked at Renard, who looked at Bunky, who looked at Delia, who looked at me.

  ‘I really do think Bunky’s the person for the job, Barry,’ she said.

  ‘OK, OK,’ I sighed, seeing as we were running out of time to buy a SHNOZINATOR 9000. ‘But Bday Barry’s in charge!’

  ‘Right. First things first. We need a name for this app!’ I said, clapping my hands together so everyone would look at me.

  I nicked that trick off page thirty-three of Wolf Tizzler’s book, by the way.

  ‘Erm . . . how about THE BUNKY-NATOR NINE BILLION?’ grinned Bunky.

  I gave Bunky that tiny brain look I was talking about earlier.

  ‘It’s got to explain what the app actually does . . .’ said Nancy.

  ‘THE PARENT SHUTTER-UPPER-ER?’ said Sharonella, and I looked at everyone’s face apart from Delia’s.

  ‘I like zees!’ said Renard.

  ‘Me too!’ grinned Bunky.

  ‘It’s not bad . . .’ mumbled Nancy.

  ‘I don’t know, it needs a little something extra . . .’ I said.

  ‘How about THE PARENT SHUTTER-UPPER-ER SEVEN TRILLION?’ said Delia.

  ‘Delia’s cracked it!’ I cried, partly because Delia HAD cracked it, but also because I just wanted to get the unkeelness out of Feeko’s.

  ‘Let’s go back to my house!’ I said, heading towards the exit. ‘We can record Bunky’s voices in my room!’

  ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa!’ cried Bunky, copying what I’d said three minutes earlier. ‘I can’t just do my voices at the drop of a hat, Barry!’

  ‘You ’ave dropped your ’at, Bunkee?’ said Renard, looking around on the floor. ‘But I deedn’t see an ’at on your ’ead . . .’

  Bunky just ignored him. ‘I haven’t even had lunch yet,’ he warbled. ‘I’m starrrving!’

  Bunky peered at the rack of chocolate bars next to Delia’s checkout and grabbed two, one for each of his brain cells. ‘I’ll take these please, Delia!’ he said. ‘Barry’ll pay.’

  ‘Oh he will, will he?’ I said, reminding myself of my dad.

  Nancy gave me a nudge. ‘Just buy him the chocolate bars, Barry,’ she said, reminding me of my mum.

  ‘Well, don’t eat them all at once then,’ I said, jangling £1.29 out of my piggy bank and handing it over to Delia, because that’s how much the two bars came to.

  ‘Come on then, Bazza,’ said Sharonella as we walked back to my house, Bunky eating both of his chocolate bars at once. ‘You gonna come up wiv some of your ’orrible little sayings for this app fingy or what?’

  Nancy scratched her head. ‘They’ve got to be answers to the most common questions mums and dads ask about school,’ she said. ‘Like, “What did you do at school today?” for example.’

  ‘Eurgh, my mum ALWAYS asks me that!’ groaned Bunky.

  ‘What did you do at school today, Barry?’ said Nancy, trying to get me to come up with one of my brilliant and amazekeel answers.

  ‘Erm, answer boring questions?’ I said, saying what I’d said to my mum earlier that morning, and everyone sniggled.

  ‘That’s not bad, actually!’ smiled Nancy. ‘Now Bunky, you say what Barry said, but in one of your funny voices!’

  ‘Gotcha!’ grinned Bunky, spluttering bits of chocolate all over the pavement.

  ‘What did you do at school today, Bunky?’ said Nancy.

  ‘Derm, danswer doring destions?’ said Bunky in his blocked-up-nose voice, and Nancy, Sharonella and Renard all cracked up.

  ‘Oh my days Bunky, you make me LARf !’ cackled Sharonella, zigzagging all over the pavement and bumping into me by accident.

  I bumped back into Sharonella accidentally on purpose. ‘Derm, dexcuse me, dut I was de one who came up wid dat!’ I said in MY blocked-up-nose voice.

  Nobody cracked up.

  ‘OK, moving on,’ said Nancy. ‘Barry, how was Maths today?’

  I carried on walking, pretending I hadn’t heard her. There was no way I was going to answer her stupid questions if nobody was gonna crack up at my hilarikeel bday voices.

  ‘Come on, Bday Barry!’ said Nancy. ‘How was Maths?!’

  ‘Yawnsville times rubbish, divided by unkeelness,’ I said.

  ‘Barry eez une natural at zees, non?’ sniggled Renard.

  ‘I’ve gotta hand it to ya Bazza,’ said Sharonella, ‘that ain’t half bad.’

  Nancy looked at Bunky and raised her eyebrows. ‘Maybe in your granny voice?’ she said.

  ‘Ooh, yawnsville times rubbish, dear. Divided by unkeelness!’ warbled Bunky.

  ‘Ooh la la!’ cried Renard, leaning on Sharonella to keep himself from falling over. ‘Zees voices, zey are keeling me, Bunkee!’

  ‘Ooh la la, my name eez Renard and I love Bunkee!’ I said in my French voice, and I pulled at the neck of my polo neck to get a bit of air down into my jumper.

  ‘What’s that sposed to be Bazza, Welsh or something?’ giggled Sharonella, and Renard started cracking up again.

  ‘All right, all right, we’ve got two answers to boring questions. I reckon one more and we can start recording,’ said Nancy. ‘How about, “What did you have for lunch?”’

  ‘Er, fooood?’ droned Bunky in the voice he does when he’s pretending to be someone really boring.

  ‘HAAA HA HAAAAAA!!!’ cried Sharonella, her legs giving way, and she collapsed to the ground.

  ‘Hang on a millikeels,’ I said. ‘I thought Bday Barry wrote the lines!’

  I peered down at Sharonella, then up at Renard, who was wiping tears away from his eyes. Nancy had taken her glasses off and was leaning against a lamp post, shaking with laughter.

  ‘Oh forget it, let’s just get this app up for sale so I can buy my SHNOZINATOR 9000,’ I said, turning the corner on to my road. ‘The sooner I zap myself to Shnozville the better!’

  ‘Helloooo Barry’s friends!’ said my dad, opening the front door and giving me a bday hair-ruffle.

  ‘Bonjour! Eet eez une pleasure to meet you, Monsieur Loserre. My name eez Renard Dupont!’ said Renard, kissing my dad on both cheeks.

  ‘Er yes, very nice to meet you Bernard,’ said my dad, backing away into the living room.

  ‘Ooh, what a charming young man!’ cooed my mum, carrying a basket of washing into the kitchen, and Renard kissed her on the cheeks too.

  ‘Oh, so I’m number THREE on your list of favourite sons now am I?’ I said. ‘Wolf Tizzler, Renard Dupont, then rubbish old Barry the Loser!’

  My mum gave Nancy a look that said, ‘Typical Barry!’ and Nancy gave my mum the same look back.

  ‘I saw those looks,’ I said. ‘Bday Barry sees everything!’

  Just then Desmond waddled into the hallway holding Clowny Wowny with his head sewed on back to front. ‘Me love you, Bawwy!’ he beamed, but I just ignored him and started stomping upstairs.

  Sharonella turned to my mum. ‘Oi, guess wot we’re up to, Madame Loser.’

  ‘Come on, Shazza!’ I boomed, already halfway up the stairs.

  ‘Ooh, I don’t know, Sharon!’ said my mum, stuffing her giant red dressing gown into the washing machine.

  ‘Bunky’s doing his funny voices for an app fingy we’re gonna sell for billions of pounds,’ said Sharonella, and my mum smiled.

  ‘That sounds like fun!’ she said. ‘Bunky’s ever so funny with his voices.’

  I leaned over the banister and opened my mouth extra wide. ‘Why don’t you do your impression of my mum, Bunky?’ I shouted, and Bunky’s face went all red like my mum’s dressing gown.

  ‘Ha ha, Barry’s only joking,’ said Bunky, and he bounded up the stairs followed by Nancy, Sharonella and Renard.

  ‘I’ve got Barry’s favourite tonight - fish fingers, chips and peas!’ yelled my mum after them. ‘You’re welcome to join us!’

  ‘That’s not my favourite any more,’ I grumbled to myself, propping my phone up on my homework desk and opening the microphone app.

  Bunky sat down on my h
omework chair and rolled his shoulders a few times. He cleared his throat and combed his hand through his hair.

  ‘And . . . ACTION!’ I said, pressing RECORD on my phone.

  Bunky took a deep breath. Then let it out again.

  ‘What in the unkeelness are you doing?’ I whispered. ‘We’re running out of time, Bunky. Feeko’s has only got a few more SHNOZINATOR 9000s left, and the factory’s comperleeterly sold out!’

  Bunky leaned forward and pressed PAUSE. ‘Don’t pressure me, Barry. I don’t need this pressure.’

  ‘Pressure?!’ I laughed. ‘What pressure? Just do your stupid voices!’

  Sharonella nudged Renard. ‘Look Rennie, they’re having one of their lovers’ tiffs!’ she sniggled.

  ‘Put a sock in it, Shazza!’ I shouted, picking one of my dirty rolled-up socks up off the carpet and throwing it at her mouth.

  I turned back to Bunky. ‘Are you gonna do this or not?’ I said. ‘Because if you’re not, Bday Barry’s more than happy to take over.’

  Bunky leaned back in my homework chair and laughed. ‘Oh per-lease!’ he chuckled. ‘You couldn’t do it if your NOSE depended on it. Your voices aren’t funny in the SLIGHT-ER-EST!’

  ‘Watch it, Bunky,’ I said. ‘Remember, I’m the brains of this operation.’

  ‘Don’t make me LARF, Barry!’ chuckled Bunky. ‘Anyone can think up a few stupid words. It’s my funny voices that’ll make people buy the app!’

  ‘I’ll tell you what makes ME larf, “Bunky”. . .’ I said.

  ‘What?’ said Bunky.

  ‘Your REAL name!’ I boomed.

  Bunky sat up straight, his eyes darting round the room. ‘H-ha, ha, I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, Barry!’ he stuttered.

  ‘Let me remind you, then. I believe it begins with the letter “N” . . .’ I said, swizzling Bunky’s chair round with my foot.

  ‘Wot you chatting about, Bazza?’ said Sharonella, halfway through peeling a Not Bird sticker off my bedpost. ‘Bunky’s name begins wiv a B, dunnit?’

  ‘Don’t, Barry,’ said Nancy, who’s the only other person apart from me and Bunky’s mum who knows his real name.

  ‘Don’t what?’ I said. ‘Tell everyone Bunky’s real name?’

  Renard looked at Nancy, then at Bunky, then at me. ‘I really, really want to know zees real name of Bunkee’s!’ he said.

  ‘Me too!’ cackled Sharonella, sticking the Not Bird sticker on her top.

  Bunky got up off my chair. ‘Seriously, Barry, if you do . . .’ he said.

  ‘If I do, WHAT?’ I said.

  Bunky looked down at me the way a dog looks at its owner when they’re being mean. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell everyone your real name,’ I said.

  And then I shouted, ‘NIGEL!!!’

  ‘NIGEL?!’ screeched Sharonella, flomping back on my bed, cackling with laughter.

  ‘Knee gel?’ said Renard, looking confused. ‘Zis eez when you ave urt your knee and you need some gel to make it better, non?’

  ‘NIGEL!’ I shouted as Bunky, I mean Nigel, stomped out of my bedroom. I ran into the hallway and hung over the banister. ‘Come back, Nigel, I was only joking!’

  The front door slammed and I walked back into my room.

  ‘I hope you’re proud of yourself, “Bday Barry”,’ said Nancy, giving me her mum stare.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘It’s his name. What’s wrong with saying someone’s name?’

  ‘Barry?’ called my mum up the stairs. ‘Is everything all right, Snookyflumps? I think Bunky’s just left!’

  Renard scratched his head. ‘Snooky flomps?’ he said. ‘Oo eez zees Snooky flomps when e eez at ome?’

  Sharonella snuggled her head into my pillow and smiled up at the ceiling. ‘Looks like old Snookyflumps has gone and ruined his chances at making a billion pounds!’ she snortled.

  ‘Oh why don’t you go and do a great big smelly blowoff, Sharonella?’ I said. ‘As if I needed Bunky, I mean Nigel, to make a billion pounds. I can do funny voices JUST as well as he can!’

  ‘No, you can’t, Barry,’ said Nancy, heading over to the door. ‘I’m going to see if Bunky’s all right. I hope you enjoy the rest of your birthday.’

  She slumped down the stairs and shut the front door behind her. ‘Nancy’s left, too!’ shouted my mum from the kitchen.

  I turned to Sharonella and Renard and pictured the last few SHNOZINATOR 9000s on the shelf in Feeko’s. ‘Anyone else think I can’t do funny voices?’ I boomed, in my hilarikeels old grandad voice.

  Sharonella and Renard looked at each other, then at the carpet.

  ‘Oh just go home,’ I said, pointing at my door.

  ‘Friends . . . who needs them?’ I said, flopping down on my bed. I peered out the window and spotted two birds perched on a branch, bickering over who had the longest beak or whatever it is birds argue about.

  My bedroom door creaked open and my mum poked her massive nose round it. ‘Just thought I’d say, Sharon and Bernard have left as well,’ she said. ‘Everything all right, Barry?’

  ‘Fine,’ I mumbled, and my mum reversed her nose out of my room and clomped back down the stairs, her knees clicking on every step.

  I jumped up and went over to my desk. ‘We’ll see who’s the funny one!’ I said, pressing RECORD on my phone.

  I took a deep breath and combed my fingers through my hair. ‘What did you do at school today, Barry?’ I said in my normal voice, just to warm myself up. ‘Derm, danswer doring destions?’ I answered in my funniest blocked-up-nose voice.

  ‘Ha ha! That’s the hilarikeelest thing I’ve heard in the whole entire history of the universe amen!’ I giggled, pressing REWIND on my phone and then PLAY.

  ‘What did you do at school today, Barry?’ droned a voice out of my phone’s speakers.

  It didn’t sound like me exactly. It was a bit dronier than usual.

  ‘Derm, danswer doring destions?’ it droned again.

  ‘Hmmm, must be something wrong with the microphone,’ I muttered, giving the phone a tap on the table and pressing RECORD.

  ‘Barry, how was Maths today?’ I asked in my normal voice. ‘Ooh, yawnsville times rubbish, dear. Divided by unkeelness!’ I warble-replied.

  I pressed REWIND then PLAY.

  ‘Barry, how was Maths today?’ droned my voice. ‘Ooh, yawnsville times rubbish, dear. Divided by unkeelness!’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, getting up from my desk and walking back to my bed. I sat down on the edge of it and sighed. ‘No wonder my ex-friends didn’t laugh at my funny voices,’ I mumbled. ‘They’re not funny in the slighterest.’

  I flomped back on my bed and grabbed HOW TO BE A GENIUS LIKE ME off the side table. I opened it up and slotted it over my face like a book-shaped SHNOZINATOR 9000.

  ‘At least I’m still a child genius,’ I said, thinking how tiny Bunky’s brain was. ‘Who needs funny voices when you’re a billionaire inventor, anyway?’

  ‘You OK, Snookyflumps?’ called my mum up the stairs for the eight trillionth time. ‘Dinner in five mins!’

  ‘Yessss I’m fiiiine,’ I droned in my boring, unfunny voice. But I wasn’t fine at all. I was comperleeterly lonely.

  ‘All on my bday own with nobody to talk to,’ I grumbled. ‘What a loseroid . . .’

  And just as I was saying the word ‘loseroid’, the book slipped off my face. It donked on to my bed and slammed shut.

  ‘Stupid rectangular cuboid,’ I said, picking it back up and glancing at the back cover.

  There was a photo of Wolf Tizzler next to the bar code at the bottom, with a speech bubble popping out of his grinning mouth. ‘Chat to Wolf !’ said the words inside the speech bubble.

  Underneath the photo was the link for Wolf ’s website: www.WolfTizzler.com.

  ‘Hmmm,’ I hmmmed, pulling my phone out of my pocket and tapping the website into it. I clicked on the ‘Chat to Wolf ’ button and a rectangle-shaped box appeared.

  said the words inside it.

  I
made my username ‘barry_winner’ and my password ‘b@rryisthekeelest!’

  A little green bubble popped up and I typed ‘Hello’ into it.

  The words ‘Hello barry_winner’ appeared inside a little grey bubble, just underneath my green one.

  I couldn’t believe my unloserness. I was actukeely talking to the real-life Wolf Tizzler!

  ‘Is that really the real-life WOLF TIZZLER?!’ I typed, even though I knew it was.

  ‘My name is Sunil. I will be your Customer Liaison Officer for this session,’ said the words that appeared in the little grey bubble.

  ‘Oh,’ I said out loud. ‘Oh,’ I wrote into my bubble.

  ‘What can I help you with today, barry_winner?’ typed Sunil.