Hidden Chapters

by Mary Grand

  ‘I suppose it’s the way I’ve always been.’

  ‘But why, Mum?’

  ‘I don’t know–’

  Lowri looked over at Worm’s Head.

  ‘Mark was saying he’d like to cross the causeway soon. He’s been there before on field trips. He’s fascinated by it.’

  ‘Oh, well. I suppose you could go with him, but you need to be careful, you know.’

  ‘Of course. You could come too.’

  Catrin looked away. ‘Did you know Grandad is going to move to America permanently?’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, he told me. It’s why he’s selling the Dragon House and the Cardiff house.’

  ‘I’m surprised.’

  ‘Well, he spends most of his time in New York. He’s getting on, mind you.’

  ‘It’s not that. I’m surprised he’s leaving Bethan.’

  ‘They don’t see that much of each other.’

  ‘I know, but he always keeps a hold, and when he comes back he always organises things for her. He went to a lot of her concerts and things.’

  ‘I suppose so. Maybe now she’s going to university he feels she’s moving on.’

  ‘Maybe. Hard to imagine, though.’

  ‘Actually, he did say something about not wanting to see her talent wasted. I think he has something up his sleeve.’

  ‘That sounds more like him.’

  ‘You’ve never really got on with your Grandad, have you? I’m sorry he’s always made such a fuss of Bethan.’

  ‘He’s bound to with her being Aled’s daughter. To be honest, I don’t mind. Well, maybe I did when I was younger but, well, I know he’s your Dad and my Grandad, but I’m sorry to say I don’t like him that much.’

  ‘Oh, Lowri. You mustn’t say that.’

  ‘Well, it’s true. You know, the main reason is I hate the way he treats you.’

  ‘Oh, come on. We hardly even see him.’

  ‘But when we do, he runs you down. It’s always Aled this and Aled that.’

  Catrin flinched. ‘Aled was very special. He was lucky. Everyone thought he was wonderful.’

  ‘But it was pressure as well. When you are very bright, people have an expectation of you–’

  Catrin looked carefully at Lowri. ‘Have you found it stressful? You know, being so bright?’

  ‘God, no. You and Dad have left me be, let me do what I want, never pushed me.’

  Although the words were light, Catrin was concerned at the hurt that lay deep below them.

  ‘I’m sorry. I was aware that somehow you got left out. Bethan and all her needs, well, they took so much of my time and emotional energy. I was also aware, with her being adopted, I never wanted her to feel I loved her any less than you. Maybe I over-compensated. I did worry there wasn’t enough left for you as well. I should have given you more time, more encouragement–’

  ‘Hey, Mum. Stop. You and Dad have been great parents. You know you gave the most important thing.’

  ‘And what was that?’

  ‘Unconditional love. I knew that whatever happened, whatever I did, you would always love me. Now, that is the most important thing I think a parent can ever give their child.’

  Catrin smiled. ‘That is so lovely. Thank you.’

  They crossed the rough path and started to clamber down to the beach.

  Once they were on the sand they sat down, and drank their water. Safi gulped his. Catrin watched a mother trying to put sun cream on her wriggling children, couples basking, groups of teenagers, the self-conscious ones sitting on their beach towels, the confident ones running around flirting.

  ‘It is beautiful here,’ said Lowri. ‘I don’t know how you have stayed away so long.’

  Catrin looked over at Worm’s Head, today surrounded by a flat blue sheet of sea.

  ‘It is beautiful. I’d forgotten, you know. All I could remember was the loss we’d suffered here, nothing else. It hurt so much to even think about it, so I tried to push it out of my mind.’

  ‘I read this article in the paper about this man who makes these incredible sand sculptures, you know like the Taj Mahal, or huge palaces, on the beach.’

  ‘On the beach?’

  ‘Yes. So each night they get washed away by the incoming tide.’

  ‘Oh, how sad.’

  ‘You would think so, wouldn’t you, but he said that it was good to face loss and get used to living with it.’

  ‘He’s a brave man. Facing loss is very hard. Take you girls, I have to face losing you, both making your own lives. Sorry to be so miserable, but it is a big adjustment.’

  ‘Well it’s a time for you and Dad to live your own dreams now.’

  ‘Someone else said that, but I’m not sure people like me have dreams any more.’

  ‘Well, you should.’

  ‘I can’t do it, can’t think what to dream. As soon as I start I think of the things that could go wrong. You know, I tried to go to a meditation class once. They told us to imagine we were lying on a beach. Well, I tried, but then I started to worry about the tide coming in, whether I’d put on enough sun cream, if I had anything in for tea later.’ Catrin laughed but Lowri looked serious. ‘Poor Mum. Sometimes you look so sad and stressed.’

  ‘Hey, you mustn’t worry about me. Please don’t. It’s a burden I would hate you to have to bear.’

  ‘Mum, it’s not a burden. I care about you.’

  ‘I know, but I’m aware I lean on you. You were such a quiet little thing and I know I assumed you were alright.’

  ‘And I was most of the time, Mum.’

  ‘But not all of it?’

  ‘Sometimes you look unhappy, stressed. I don’t know what the matter is, but it worried me, that’s all.’

  ‘Look Lowri, I’m fine. I grew up worrying about Grandma.’

  ‘What about?’

  ‘Oh, she was never that strong. But I never wanted that for you. Now, tell me what this exciting piece of news is.’

  ‘You know, Mum, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’

  ‘No, I’ve changed my mind. You are not to worry about me and Bethan. We had a wonderful childhood. I tell you, the more I hear in lectures and from other doctors, the more I appreciate the start I was given in life. And now Bethan and I are growing up. You should be proud, Mum. You did a good job.’

  They walked along the beach and came to some old wooden remains protruding through the sand.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked Lowri.

  ‘It’s the wreck of a ship, the Helvetia, from the eighteenth century. It has a rather sad story. Apparently a Norwegian sailor from the ship who survived the wreck fell in love with a local Rhossili girl, but her father refused permission for her to marry. Heartbroken, she remained a spinster until she died, when she was eighty.’

  ‘Ah, how romantic.’ Lowri touched the wood protruding from the sand. ‘You wouldn’t have thought wood would have survived this long, would you?’

  ‘The past doesn’t just slip away silently does it?’ Catrin sighed, and then said ‘Right, we ought to get back. Hopefully, Dad will have arrived and we can all go out and celebrate.’

  ‘Wonder if he’s got round to buying you anything for your birthday? I did remind him–’

  ‘It really doesn’t matter. Anyway, I have this little chap,’ said Catrin, and she leant down to stroke Safi. ‘Come on, then. Let’s get back.’

  ‘Well, I hope Dad makes it.’

  ‘We’ll soon find out.’

  They walked back up through the dunes. Catrin wondered what the news had been. For some reason Lowri had changed her mind, but she was sure it was something important. Some day soon she must find out what it was.

  Chapter Thirteen

  When they arrived back at the house Gareth had still not appeared. The table was booked for seven, and it was now quarter to. Catrin was thinking about what Lowri had said. Somehow, she had always assumed that Lowri would be alright. She never dreamt she had felt neglec
ted. Maybe that was why she liked Mark’s mother so much? Maybe she was giving Lowri the attention she had secretly been craving? Was this how she was to lose Lowri? She would marry Mark, spend all her time with his family. The grandchildren would always go there for Christmas day. Catrin stopped her mind running on. This was ridiculous.

  She looked in her case. There was the new dress she had bought only last week. Gareth hadn’t seen it. She had bought it really for what she thought was to be Bethan’s birthday meal. It must be a couple of years since she’d bought a new dress, and she was quite excited. She felt it actually fitted, even looked quite nice. It was a long, loose, silk dress, cobalt blue with silver imprint. She loved the feel of it, but the sleeves were short, so she put her navy cardigan on top. She took her blonde hair out of its tie and brushed it. It was fine, getting thinner now, but curly, which helped. She even found an old pink lipstick and put a smudge of grey eye shadow on her eyelids. She stood back and looked at herself briefly. Well, not too bad. The dress was very pretty. The dark blue sapphire stone in her necklace glinted and matched it perfectly. She hoped Gareth would like it. Just then, she heard the sound of a car pulling up, looked out of the window, and saw Gareth. She went downstairs to open the front door, and greeted him nervously.

  ‘Hi,’ she said. He walked towards her with his usual quick, purposeful stride. He only had whips of hair at the side of his head now, and was still wearing the same style of frames, plain metal rectangles, that he had worn twenty years ago. She noticed he was still in his short-sleeved shirt and work trousers. He had obviously come straight from work.

  ‘God, the traffic was a bloody nightmare. I’m sorry I’m so late.’

  ‘That’s OK.’

  He stopped, and seemed to notice her for the first time. ‘Oh, happy birthday,’ he said and gave her that kind and thoughtful smile that had first attracted her to him.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I should have got a present–’

  ‘It’s alright. I’m wearing it.’

  ‘Oh, the dress.’ He looked at her and nodded. ‘Nice colour.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Right, good. How are the girls?’

  ‘Oh, they’re fine.’

  ‘Lowri here?’

  ‘Yes, I’ve received my present. Apparently you know about it.’

  He grinned. ‘Of course.’

  Lowri came running down the stairs. ‘Dad, you made it.’

  ‘Only just.’

  ‘Well done.’ Catrin saw the look between them: they could communicate a sentence in a glance. Lowri might look like Catrin, but she knew there was a special connection between Lowri and her father.

  ‘Oh, Mum you look beautiful. Doesn’t she Dad?’

  Gareth blinked at Catrin, peered at her. ‘Oh, yes. So where’s the dog?’

  Catrin took Gareth into the kitchen. Safi was fast asleep in his bed.

  Gareth knelt by Safi to stroke him. ‘He’s gorgeous.’ He crouched down, talking quietly to Safi, who looked up adoringly at him. That was the ‘bedside manner’ kicking in, when time stood still and Gareth had all the time in the world. It reminded Catrin that Gareth was not just a conscientious doctor, but also kind.

  ‘We need to take him out for a wee before we go,’ she said, unwilling to break the spell. They went out into the garden and Gareth praised Safi for urinating to order.

  ‘He’s two. It’s not like when we had Lady as a puppy.’

  Bethan came running out into the garden, and up to Gareth.

  Gareth hugged her.

  ‘Mum has been talking to me about Aled,’ she said.

  Gareth glanced over at Catrin. ‘Good. I’m glad. You OK?’

  ‘Yes. It’s horrible that he drowned, but it’s better to know.’

  ‘I suppose so.’

  Catrin watched them talking. Gareth’s signing was very basic. It didn’t mean he wasn’t close to Bethan, but there had been times when misunderstanding arose between them, and it was Catrin who had to iron out the problems.

  ‘So what do you think of Safi?’ asked Bethan.

  ‘He seems a very good natured dog.’

  ‘Lowri chose well,’ said Catrin.

  ‘Oh, and Mark’s here isn’t he?’ said Gareth, suddenly remembering.

  ‘Yes, seems a good chap.’

  ‘Let’s go and meet him.’

  They went inside, settled Safi, and waited in the hallway. Introductions were made, until Lloyd urged everyone to get moving.

  Bethan, of course, was fussing; losing her phone, then her bag, then her phone again. Catrin could see her father getting exasperated. He hated being late. Eventually they all got out of the house.

  The pub was busy. It didn’t look like it was struggling, whatever Harri said. The owner gave the family a warm welcome, and Catrin watched her father. He seemed excited.

  ‘Where are we seated?’ he asked.

  ‘Good evening. I’ve reserved a table over by the window. You can enjoy the views there.’

  ‘Hi,’ said a voice behind Catrin. She turned to see her cousin sitting at the bar with a pint in his hand.

  ‘David,’ she said, and grinned, delighted to see him. David was a few years younger than her, but enjoyed a relaxed, middle-aged look. His tummy was rounder than she remembered, and he had grown a scruffy beard.

  ‘This looks like a gathering of the clans,’ he said, scratching his beard in a characteristic way.

  ‘It’s my birthday.’

  ‘Oh, happy birthday.’

  ‘How are you? Is Anwen with you?’

  ‘No, she’s out. Hi, Gareth. How’re things?

  ‘Hectic.’

  ‘That means exhausting. Crazy what they’re expecting of you doctors now. You’re never in when I go down to Cardiff.’

  ‘Catrin tells me you’ve changed jobs?’ asked Gareth.

  ‘Working with people with addiction. Interesting project, multi-disciplinary team. Partly charity and partly NHS-funded. There are three of us therapists. We actually have a doctor three days a week. It’s going well.’

  ‘I’d be really interested to hear about that.’

  ‘I think we ought to be seated,’ Lloyd said, adding, ‘Of course, David, you must need to get back to Anwen.’

  ‘She’s down at her daughter’s for the day. No, I’m all alone.’

  ‘Oh. Well, would you like to join us?’ said Lloyd. Catrin heard the reluctance in her father’s voice, but David didn’t take any notice.

  ‘I’d love that, Lloyd. Yes, thanks. That would be great.’

  ‘I’ll ask for an extra chair.’

  ‘Lowri, how’s the medicine? Killed any patients yet?’ asked David

  ‘Hi, Uncle David. This is Mark, he lectures in marine biology.’

  ‘Really? How interesting. Are you at the university in Cardiff?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  Lloyd coughed.

  David turned. ‘Sorry, Lloyd. Of course. Well I’d like to sit next to the birthday girl.’

  Catrin glanced over to see where Bethan was sitting. The sun shining in through the bay window was lovely, but it would be better for Bethan to have her back to it for lip-reading. Catrin automatically removed the vase of flowers in the centre of the table to allow Bethan to see people easily, pleased that Lowri had gone to sit next to Bethan. Noisy places and groups of people could be harder for Bethan, and to have Lowri, who could sign, sitting next to her would be a help. Catrin gestured ‘OK?’ to Bethan, who nodded back. Gareth sat one side of Catrin, with David the other.

  A group of people roared with laughter just as David said across the table to Bethan, ‘So were you fourteen or fifteen when I last saw you?’

  Catrin recognised the glazed look on Bethan’s face and she signed, ‘David asked if you were fourteen or fifteen when he last saw you.’

  ‘Oh, it’s the beard–’

  Catrin smiled in comprehension. She turned to David. ‘Sorry, you shouldn’t have grown a beard! It makes it much har
der for Bethan to lip-read.’

  ‘I never realised, sorry,’ he said, winking at Bethan.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ replied Bethan. ‘Maybe you could shave it off for next time you see me? She turned back to Lowri. Catrin was pleased to see them chatting to each other. It meant a lot to her to see the girls getting on. They were so different, but she really believed that there was a strong bond. They got on well, as long as they didn’t have to spend too much time together.

  ‘You know, Bethan is so good at communicating, I forget that she’s deaf,’ said David, embarrassed.

  ‘She’s done well, hasn’t she? We’re so proud of her. It’s been a lot of hard work. People don’t realise how much effort she puts in. Take lip-reading. Actually, only about thirty per cent of English is visible on the lips, and she needs lots of other cues to really follow what you are saying. It’s why they call it speech reading now. Bethan is watching teeth, cheeks, eyes, facial expressions, and body language to piece together what you’re saying.’

  ‘That sounds well-rehearsed.’

  ‘I do lots of explaining.’

  ‘Well, I can see why you sign with her.’

  ‘Yes, although now she goes to Deaf club, she is getting much better than me. I try, though.’

  ‘I should learn some time.’

  ‘It would be a good idea. The main thing, though, is to keep trying. The worst thing is when people give up half way through a conversation, and say things like ‘I’ll explain later’, or ‘never mind’. It’s really frustrating for Bethan.’

  ‘I can imagine.’

  They all ordered their meals, and then the waiter, instructed by Lloyd brought champagne.

  Lloyd opened it with aplomb, and poured it into the glasses.

  ‘I’m impressed,’ said David, aside to Catrin. ‘Not like your father to push the boat out for you.’

  Catrin could see her father looked excited. She wondered why. He chinked the side of his glass with his spoon, obviously ready to make a speech.

  They all waited. Catrin felt uneasy.

  ‘It is wonderful for us all to be here. I shall start by saying happy birthday to Catrin.’

  Catrin acknowledged this shyly and felt herself blushing. Her father continued. ‘Of course, this year Aled would have been forty-five. It is hard not to try to imagine what he would have achieved in that time. I’ve no doubt his immense talent would have been recognised worldwide by now. Tomorrow is an important day, and it’s good to have family together this evening. To Aled.’ He raised his glass. Everybody looked at each other self-consciously, half-raised their glasses, and sipped the champagne.