Tactical Heart

by S. K. Rose

  This date will go one of two ways. He turns out to be a douche, and I’ll ditch him and spend the night killing zombie Nazis. Or, he’s a perfect gentleman, and well, I’ll still ditch him and spend the night killing zombie Nazis.

  Win fucking win.

  At the front of the room, the professor is prattling on about mathematical formulas with definite integrals. I should be following along closely because my math game is weak this semester, but instead, I’m trapped in my head as I sketch warlock armor in my notebook.

  At the beginning of the year, I tried to be the typical college girl, even after high school had beaten into me that I was just a geek who should keep my nose in a book.

  I had my hair styled and pretended to be interested in beer pong and sex with frat guys. Then, with the help of my roommate, Vanessa, I made my grand reentry into the chaotic world of college life. She dragged me to parties, taught me how to flirt, and when she felt I was ready, she tossed me into the deep end without floaties. “Sink or swim, bitch” as she so lovingly worded it.

  It was at one of these parties, stumbling around in borrowed heels, where I would meet my first official boyfriend. We dated my entire freshman year, and I thought he was the one. You know that fairytale kind of love where kisses wake bitches out of comas and weird forest creatures sing.

  Cody was mature and sweet, always showering me with gifts and surprises.

  Too bad one of the surprises was him banging four other girls.

  At the same time.

  While being videotaped.

  Yeah, not the kind of movie I had in mind that day.

  So, after I kicked him in the balls and spent a month of crying into ice cream, I decided to take Vanessa’s advice (didn’t learn the first time around did I?) and try out casual dating. Julie and Vanessa put me on a bunch of dating apps, and while it was fun at first, there’s only so many dick pics a girl can endure before she wants to stick a hot poker in her eye. Apparently, I hit my limit after receiving about thirty unsolicited eggplants.

  Since then, it’s been...crickets.

  Guys don’t even hit on me at parties anymore. I suppose it could be the ‘come near me and I’ll stab you in the dick’ look I give every guy who glances in my direction—but that’s just my way of thinning out the herd. If you’re scared of a little resting bitch face then I don’t need your kind of negativity in my life anyway.

  My dating life has been nothing but one disaster after the next since grade school. It should come to no surprise that I’m a little apprehensive about dipping my toes back into the dick infested waters. Men are needy, volatile creatures who will suck the very life from your marrow.

  Shit—Jules is right, I am starting to sound like our mother.

  After this blind date inevitably tanks, I’m going to throw in the towel. True love is a lie that generic females perpetuate as they cry into their Starbucks over the last boy who took a dump on their heart.

  “He just wasn’t your soulmate, honey.”

  “When it’s right, you’ll know it in your heart.”

  “Prince Charming will come save your quivering vagina.”

  Okay, so maybe I made that last one up, but the point remains; it’s all a myth society feeds us so that we keep buying into stupid holidays and watching horrible romcoms. I’m sure there are a few relationships in the world that are functional and happy, but the odds of finding that are about the same as me finding Graveskull in Tactical Heart.

  Frankly, I would take the damn invincibility boost over love at this point anyway; it’s way more useful to me.

  Maybe after college, when I’m a boss bitch with a kickass career, I’ll give the whole love thing another try. For now, I’ll keep my textbooks, video games, and vibrator close by.

  What else does a nerdette really need anyway?

  The sound of metal scraping against the floor as my classmates get out of their seats snaps me back to the present. Speaking of textbooks, I’m going to have to hit them hard to puzzle out this new formula if I want to pass the final. Slipping my laptop into its case, I follow the horde of students out of the classroom and head to my dorm. It’s been a long day, and I need to unwind the best way I know how, shooting shit and looting monsters.

  Unlocking the door, I push it open and freeze as I take in the glorious sight. My roommate and best friend, Vanessa Dávila, has her back to me, dancing like a maniac in hot pink underwear. Giant headphones are smashed over her thick black curls as she thrusts her hips and shimmies her way across the carpet. I struggle not to laugh as she uses my bedpost as a makeshift stripper pole. It’s not until she flips around and sees me that she comes to an abrupt stop.

  Yanking down her blaring headphones, she juts out her hip and raises an eyebrow at me. “Enjoying the show, pendeja?”

  I’ve never asked for clarification as to what ‘pendeja’ means; she only reserves it for me, so I’m convinced it’s Puerto Rican slang for nerd.

  “I was until you started molesting my bed.” I laugh, setting my bag on the small desk that’s littered with drawings and textbooks.

  “How else is your bed gonna see any action?” She runs her fingers seductively across my blanket before plopping down on the mattress.

  “Ha. You’re hilarious. Speaking of action, how’s your flavor of the week doing?” I fire back as I take a seat at my desk and power on my computer.

  “He couldn’t handle all this alone.” She wiggles her fingers from her chest down to her hips. “So we added another flavor. Chocolate, if you know what I mean.” She gives me a sly grin.

  I shudder as I do a quick scan of my side of the room. “Please tell me you didn’t have a threesome on my bed, Nessa,” I beg.

  Her grin widens.

  “I will kill you.”

  She laughs. “I’m just fucking with you; I went off campus for my dickathon.”

  “You’re such a bitch.” I glare at her, but my lip twitches with amusement.

  “I know,” she chirps. “Finally crossed a threesome off my ‘Fucket list’ though.”

  “Your mother would be so proud,” I deadpan.

  Half the guys at school know about Nessa’s infamous ‘Fucket list’ and strive to get on it. She took the bucket list, added her own slutty flair to it, and has been checking off conquests all year. It was only last month she accomplished joining the “mile high” club.

  Like me, she was ostracized in grade school and had a terrible experience with the opposite sex. With her accent and bad acne, she got made fun of constantly. Senior year of high school, her skin cleared up, and her boobs tripled in size. Since then, her sexuality has been “awakened” as she likes to call it. She’s safe and gets checked for STDs religiously, so who am I or anyone else to tell her she’s wrong? She’s living up her college experience, and I’m actually envious of her fearless attitude. She does what she wants or should I say who she wants, when she wants, and she doesn’t let anything hold her back. The hoe is downright inspirational.

  Nessa rolls her eyes and sits up. “Whatever. Jordan is having a party this weekend; you’re coming with and don’t even think about bringing your Switch game thingy. You’re going to socialize, even if it kills you.”

  Damn, she knows me way too well.

  “I can’t, I have plans…” I trail off and pick up my controller, praying that she takes the hint.

  “Gonna flirt with guys on your game again? Maybe your little bird boy? You know he could be a twelve-year-old kid, right? I saw that shit on Catfish.”

  I hold up my hand for her to shut up. “God, please stop. No, not plans with Wren. I just have shit to do, don’t worry about it.”

  She clicks her tongue. “Mhm. Last time you said that, I came back for my forgotten wallet and found you wearing elf ears and watching Lord of the Rings.”

  “That movie is a masterpiece!”

  “That you’ve watched a billion times.”

  “Only forty-nine times,” I grumble.

  “You’re so not helping
your case right now.”

  “Fine. But I actually do have real plans this time. I... I have a blind date.”

  Her eyes widen in horror. “¡Ay, bendito! You’re actually gonna get catfished!”

  I tilt my head back and let out a big breath; I’ve so lost control of this conversation.

  “No, not someone online. You remember Julie’s boyfriend Leo? Well, I guess his roommate is a cool dude, and she’s been pestering me about going out with him for forever, so I finally agreed. Stop smiling like that, you’re creeping me out.”

  “You have a date! I hate you for not telling me immediately, but I forgive you because you have a real-life date! Oh, I am so proud of you, Scar, this is a big step.” She beams.

  “It’s not a big deal, and it will probably be terrible.”

  “Don’t be such a Negative Nancy, have an open mind, okay? Don’t go into this thinking it will be terrible, or you will make it terrible.”

  Shit, I hate when she’s right.

  “Fine, I’ll keep an open mind. Not to be confused with open legs, mind you.”

  Nessa giggles. “He would probably need a crowbar to pry them open anyway.”

  I give her a droll look before swiveling toward my computer and putting on my headset. “I’m gonna game, go study or something,” I tell her over my shoulder. She sticks out her tongue but slides off my bed and sashays back to her side of the room. I look at my mouse and keyboard but decide to plug in my controller instead; I have better aim and reflexes when I use it in the game anyway.

  After tugging the headset over my ears, I log into Tactical Heart and feel a calm wash over me. I stop stressing about my math final and let the haywire nerves about my upcoming date wash away.

  Let’s kill some shit.

  Oh wait—

  Switching out of the game for a second, I log into my favorite voice chat room and see Wren is already online. When I was in high school, this chatroom used to be filled with gamers from all over the world who I would chat with, but new programs opened, and one by one, they all dropped off until it was just me and Wren.

  “Whattup, slut,” I say into the mic as I switch back into the game.

  “Hey Red, getting on TH?” As usual, his flat voice makes him sound bored. I used to think he disliked me because of it, but I eventually learned it’s just the way he talks.

  “Just logged in. Want to try and take down that orc boss again?”

  “Yeah, let’s fuck him up.”

  I hit a button, so my toon starts heading toward our usual meetup spot, and relax against the chair. “Want to hear something ridiculous?” I ask quietly.

  “Always.”

  “I have a blind date this weekend.”

  He snorts. “Are you trying to get murdered? ‘Cause that’s how you get murdered.”

  I laugh. “Don’t be stupid, it’s someone my sister knows, not a psychopath.”

  “Fair enough. Good, I’m glad you’re finally getting back out there. I know how hard things have been since C—”

  “Don’t say his name,” I interrupt. “Just hearing it makes me queasy.”

  “Mums the word. I have one lined up myself actually—sexy little blonde thing.”

  “I should have known, you and your sexcapades. Guy or girl?”

  Wren is bisexual, so it’s always a fifty-fifty toss-up. He knew at a young age that he liked boys as much as he liked girls and that quickly made him an easy target for bullying. Most of the people in our old chat group were misfits in one way or another, trying to find others who would accept them. I’m glad Wren and I stayed friends, even after everyone else left.

  People always say online friends aren’t “real friends” but that’s a crock of shit. We’ve never physically met, but we talk every week, and he’s always been there for me when I needed him. If that’s not a “real friend” then I’ll just have to stick with my fake ones.

  “Chick this time, her name is...fuck, I forgot.”

  “You’re as bad as my roommate.” Something soft hits me on the back of the head. I turn around in my seat, and Nessa flips me off. I laugh and return to the game. “Anyway, I hope for both our sakes that these dates kick ass,” I say with more enthusiasm than I actually feel.

  Mine’s going to be a disaster; it’s always a disaster.

  “Me too. You deserve a win, Red.”

  I nod even though he can’t see me.

  “Now hurry up, bitch, we have a monster to kill.”

  4

  Kane

  I smile proudly as I read over the stats 1of my new gun, Storm Blaster. Blue lightning sparks off the barrel as I release a warning shot into the distance.

  A hideous creature, dripping with sludge, glides toward me, leaving a trail of slime behind it. I take aim and fire at its amorphous body. It shutters with electricity before exploding, shooting green snot in every direction.

  This weapon is way more powerful than that stupid Supernova Sniper my gamesis lifted off me, so joke’s on him. On that note, I drag my mouse to each side of the screen and look around through the trees to make sure he’s not lurking nearby, waiting to get the drop on me. When the coast is clear, I relax and allow the smile to creep back across my face.

  Not today, Satan!

  I look up over my computer screen when the door opens and my roommate comes stumbling in. He gives me a goofy grin before collapsing on the futon in the living room and starting to snore. I shake my head and laugh before returning to my game.

  Leo and I met in the university chat room, both looking for a roommate because the dorms here are crazy expensive. We met up for lunch, each decided the other wasn’t a psychopath, and found a cheap place close to campus.

  I hit the lottery with him as a roommate. He always pays his half of rent and bills on time and isn’t a slob; plus, he’s in a serious relationship and spends most of his time with his girl. I get the place to myself most days, and that’s just the way I like it.

  I jump in my seat when Leo suddenly shoots into the sitting position and turns to stare at me with wide, bloodshot eyes.

  “Holy shit, man, are you okay?” I do a quick scan of his body. Nothing seems to be physically wrong with him, well, besides him being trashed.

  “Fuck!” he shouts, his unblinking eyes still trained on me.

  I swivel in my chair and wheel myself over to him. “You’re freaking me out, what’s wrong?”

  “I had all week to talk to you but then I had class, then I went hiking, and tonight, I was celebrating with the guys because I aced this insane test, so I completely spaced it—Oh shit, Julie is going to kill me. That’s it, I’m dead.” He moans, letting his body crash back down.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or keep talking in riddles?”

  “I need a favor, a big one.” He hiccups, and I can’t help but laugh. For being a seriously muscular dude, he looks so small and pathetic right now. “This is serious man,” he whines.

  “Okay, okay, what can I do to help?”

  I don’t have anything against his girlfriend, Julie, but she can be a little annoying. Obsessed with her looks and being perfect, she reminds me of the cheerleaders I would go out of my way to avoid in high school. She’s nice enough and seems to really like Leo, so that’s all that really matters. More importantly, if they break up, I won’t have the place all to myself and that would be the real travesty.

  He grabs a water bottle from the coffee table and finishes it off before turning to look at me. “I need you to go on a date tomorrow night.”

  I grin. “Didn’t really think I was your type but count me in. Should I wear a dress?”

  He doesn’t even crack a smile, the humorless oaf.

  “It’s with Julie’s sister,” he mumbles, staring at the empty water bottle that crinkles as he rolls it back and forth between his palms.

  Kicking off the futon, I roll my chair back to my desk. “Nope. Nu-uh. Not happening. You know Friday nights I raid 2with the guys.”

  “Oh, c�
�mon,” he wails. “You can do your nerd shit some other time. Besides, I think you’ll really like her. Not only is she a geek like you, but she’s got a nice rack.” He holds out his hands over his chest to simulate the size with a cheesy grin.

  I throw up my hands. “Oh, well, why didn’t you start off with that? Of course I’ll go out with her!” I reply sarcastically.

  His face lights up. “Really?”

  I pop my knuckles and let out a long breath. “No, dude, not really. You’re drunk, go back to sleep.”

  He groans. “I already told Julie you would. What the hell am I supposed to tell her now?”

  “Uh, maybe the truth?”

  His jaw drops in horror. “What? No way, she’s scary as fuck when she’s mad.”

  “So why did you lie in the first place?”

  He shrugs. “She was so excited that her sister finally said yes that I just told her you agreed and then I forgot to ask you all week and—”

  I wave my hands for him to stop. “Okay, I get it. But, I don’t think I can get you out of this mess. If she’s anything like Julie, I…” My mouth snaps shut.

  His eyes narrow in suspicion. “What the hell is wrong with my girlfriend?”

  Uh oh.

  “Nothing! I swear,” I assure him. “She’s just not my type, that’s all.”

  His expression remains cloudy. “A video game,” he barks.

  I raise an eyebrow and wait for him to elaborate. He must be drunker than I thought if he’s making this little sense.

  Before I can ask for clarification, he continues, “I’ll buy you a new video game if you go on this one date.”

  “Leo, I—”

  “THREE!” he shouts, jumping to his feet. “I’ll buy you three new video games.”

  I cross my arms and tilt my head up like I’m in a bad mafia movie. “Ehh, we gotta wise guy here. Show me the goods.” I use my best Italian accent as I rub my fingers together.

  “I’ll take a few extra shifts and have the money, no big. You know I’m good on my word, jackass, do we have a deal or what?”