by Grace, Aria
“You’ve really taken a shine to that omega.” Mindy glances up at me with a sly grin. “Here I thought you were a complete professional.”
“I am,” I tell her over my shoulder. “I’m just looking out for my patient.” I hastily retreat down the hall away from her. I’m not eager to continue that conversation, especially because I know I’m lying out my ass. My interest in Billy is more than professional. It’s...I don’t know what it is, but it’s definitely more than that.
Dealing with Mr. Franks is a challenge as always. It’s rare that I have a patient I can’t make happy, but he’s definitely one of them. The fact that my thoughts are constantly being pulled back to Billy only makes the situation that much more miserable.
But I’m nothing if not professional. I don’t let my feelings interfere with my treatment of my patients. So even though I absolutely cannot wait for Mr. Franks to be discharged, I do my best to make sure his needs are met. Within reason of course. I’m not a maid or a concierge, and this isn’t a hotel.
By the time I’m finished with Mr. Franks, several of my other patients need attention. Over an hour passes before I’m able to get back to the nurse’s station. Unfortunately, Mindy is nowhere to be seen. She probably got called away to deal with some of her own patients.
As is always the case, I want to check in on Billy, but I don’t want to interrupt if the counselor is still there. The last thing I want is for him to think I’m stalking him.
After about ten minutes of busywork around the nurse’s station, it’s time for me to make my rounds. Counselor or not, I make my way to Billy’s room. I’m more nervous than I should be when I knock on his door.
“Come in,” I hear him say from inside the room. Surprisingly, he sounds cheerful.
I prepare my signature smile and push the door open. “How are you doing?” I quickly sweep my gaze around the room. The counselor is gone, but I notice a small booklet sitting on Billy’s nightstand with the Omega House logo on it.
He’s sitting up in bed, but his gaze is directed toward the window. We’re on the third floor, and the only thing you can really see from here are the tops of the trees outside and bright blue sky above. Still, you can feel the warmth of the afternoon sunlight as it spills across the bed. There’s a comfortable smile on Billy’s lips as he watches the clouds drifting lazily across the sky.
“I’m...I’m going to Omega House,” he tells me as he pulls his gaze away from the window. “Seth told me about some of the programs they have there, and he gave me this.” He reaches for the booklet on his nightstand. “It has a list of a bunch of charities that will help me with my hospital bills. They even have free classes that will help me prepare for stuff like getting a job.”
“It’s a great place.” I approach one of the monitors and take note of the readings on Billy’s chart. I’ve done this a hundred times since he arrived here, but something feels off to me about this time. It’s not unlike how I felt when I was told that my favorite aunt had three months to live. “When are you leaving?” I force myself to say. “The doctor thinks you’re well enough to leave any time now.”
“Seth says he’s going to come pick me up tomorrow. I guess they’ve been a bit crowded lately so he needs to make arrangements to find a bed for me.” Billy tone is excited but there’s a wobble in his voice he’s trying to mask.
I glance his way and our eyes meet for a moment. There’s something in his eyes I can’t quite interpret.
“I wish we’d met before...” he says after a moment, pulling his gaze away and looking back out the window. “I think things could have been different then.”
A tight, hard, fist-sized lump forms in my throat. I try to swallow it, but it feels like it’s stuck there. Words fail me as my brain spins at a million miles a minute. I can only manage to squeak out one thing, “Billy...”
“I can tell how you feel about me,” he continues without looking at me. “It’s impossible to miss.” A melancholy smile touches his lips. “I think, if I was in a better state, I might actually be able to return your feelings.”
My heart hammers against my chest. Hearing him say those words is a double-edged sword of pleasure and pain. I step toward the bed and clutch the rail in one hand. I want to reach for him, but I know his boundaries. He hates being touched, even when it’s just getting his blood pressure taken. Clutching my free hand into a fist at my side, I try to keep from doing anything that might break the thin layer of trust I’ve managed to build with him. “I can wait...” I finally manage to say aloud. “For you, I would wait a lifetime.”
Billy looks back at me. His eyes are shining with emotion, but he says nothing.
“I can’t...I can’t explain it, but from the moment I set eyes on you, I wanted nothing more than to be by your side.” I probably sound crazy, confessing all this to him, but right now, the only thing I’ve got on my side is my sincerity. “Every moment I spend away from you is agony, Billy. The thought of you going somewhere that I can’t follow makes my heart ache.”
“But you’re the one who told me about Omega House in the first place.” Billy presses his lips into a thin line. I can tell he’s thinking, processing everything I’m telling him, but I can’t tell whether or not he actually understands the depth of my feelings for him.
My irrational, insatiable, need for him.
“More than anything else, I want you to be happy and healthy.” I’m beginning to regret my decision to dump all this on him. I should have just kept it casual. It would be less painful. “Being around other omegas, where you’re safe and secure. I think...no, I know, it’s necessary for you to have any chance of healing.”
“I can’t ask you to wait for me...” Billy chokes out the words as he looks away from me again.
I drop to one knee by his bedside and clutch the railing in both hands as I look up at him. “You don’t have to ask me to do anything. I don’t think it’s possible for me to do anything else.”
“And what if I never reach a point where I’m whole again?” The glassy tears in his eyes don’t do anything to hide the thinly veiled frustration we’re both feeling. “What if I spend the rest of my life recovering from what my ex did to me? Or the trauma of nearly dying on the streets and losing my baby in the process? What if all of that has damaged me so badly I can never have another relationship again?”
“I’ll wait.” I don’t hesitate at all to tell him exactly how I feel. “However long you need, whatever it takes, I’ll wait for you. I’ll be here for you no matter what in whatever capacity you need me. Even if that means I’m never anything more than a friend you can rely on. I’ll wait for you.”
Billy looks like he’s about to explode but manages to hold in his emotion. He shakes his head slowly before speaking. “You’re an idiot, Landon. There’s nothing here worth waiting for.”
“You’re wrong, Billy.”
“But—”
“No buts.” I rise from the floor as I finally manage to steel my resolve. A strange sense of calm is settling over me, giving me both strength and courage I’ve never felt before. “You’re going to Omega House tomorrow. You’re going to focus on you. I want you to be healthy, and I want you to find the healing you need. All I ask is that if there is ever anything you need from me, don’t hesitate to call. Whatever it is, anything at all, I’ll drop everything and come to you with no expectations.”
“I’m not promising anything.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
Billy gaze is locked with mine. His expression has softened, and he seems more relaxed than he did when we started this conversation. “I’ll hold you to that.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
62
Billy
“Good session today, everyone. If you can just take a minute to help me fold up the chairs, I would really appreciate it.” The group counselor smiles broadly as he rises from his chair. He’s pleasant enough and good at getting people to open up.
The gro
up therapy sessions at Omega House aren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. There are about fifteen of us in my group. All omegas from different walks of life, with different traumatic backgrounds and baggage they need to work through. Everyone shares something and works through the stuff that’s bothering them. Nothing’s too big or too small and everyone tries to do their best to support everyone else.
At least, that’s what it looks like from my vantage point as the new guy.
I haven’t really opened up too much about my past yet, but I probably will someday. I’m just not entirely comfortable sharing all the stuff that happened with Louie. Still, it’s been nice to have support in dealing with the loss of my baby. The past three months have been one small step after another, and looking back, I’ve come a lot further than I ever expected.
We all rise from our chairs and start folding them up discordantly. Our group meets in the dining room every other morning after breakfast. Most of the other omegas are busy taking their kids to school, or rushing off to classes, or job interviews, or any other number of things at this time, so Omega House is relatively quiet right now.
Once the chairs are stacked against the wall where they belong, I head over to get another cup of coffee. I’ve become inordinately fond of black coffee since my arrival here. The hot, bitter taste is like a jolt of energy to my brain. It works its way through my whole body and warms me from the inside.
I never had the opportunity to drink coffee when I was living with Louie. He was more of a beer guy. Beer in the morning, beer in the afternoon, and beer long into the night. He always reeked of the stuff, and the scent will always remind me of him. Thankfully, alcohol isn’t allowed at Omega House, so I haven’t had to deal with any of that. When I was living on the streets, bouncing around various homeless camps, it was everywhere.
Drinking my coffee, inhaling the pungent aroma, has a cleansing effect on me. I savor every sip as I hover near the edge of the dining room and watch the rest of the group begin to dissipate.
And for a few rare moments, I’m completely alone.
Not that I don’t enjoy the people here. Everyone I’ve met is friendly, and I have a couple roommates I talk to regularly. Even the counselors and staff have gone out of their way to make me feel at home, I wouldn’t say any of them are my friends yet. Trust is a difficult thing, especially when yours has been shattered as thoroughly as mine was.
I glance down at the time on my cell phone. I managed to scrape together enough money doing odd jobs around Omega House to could afford one of those cheap pay-as-you-go phones. It’s nothing fancy, but it does the job. When I realize what time it is, I smile.
My roommates are all out and about for the day. Most of them are taking some of the interview prep classes being offered by the staff. Seth and I agreed I’m not really in the right headspace to be thinking about getting a job right now. He wants me to focus on getting to a place where I can open up about my past with the rest of my therapy group first. We still have a long way to go.
Still, I have the entire room to myself for the moment, which is a big bonus.
There are two bunk beds pushed up against opposite walls in the room. My bunkmate prefers sleeping on the top bunk, so I lucked out. I can’t imagine having to navigate that ladder in the dark every time I need to pee or get a glass of water.
Enjoying the silence, I flop down on my bunk and open up the address book on my phone. There’s only one number saved, and I know it by heart already. I could dial it with my eyes closed if I had to. Taking a deep breath, I select the number and make the call.
The phone only rings once before the line clicks through. “Hey, you. How was therapy?” Landon’s voice still sends shivers down my spine.
“It was the same as always. Lots of emotions and talking about our feelings,” I try to play it off as boring and pointless. “I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually open up about anything.”
“You shouldn’t worry too much,” Landon reassures me. “It’s not a race.”
I smile softly. We’ve been talking like this pretty consistently for the past month. “What are you doing right now?”
“Just getting ready for work.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “Drinking a breakfast shake. Trying to figure out why I don’t have any matching socks. You know, the usual.”
“You need to pair your socks before they go in the wash. You won’t lose them as easily,” I tell him. “And with the hours you work, you need to eat a real breakfast. That shake isn’t going to last very long.”
“It never does,” admits Landon with an exaggerated sigh. “Still, eating a real breakfast means getting up earlier and that’s something I just can’t do. Sacrificing my sleep for something as trivial as food is just not worth it.”
I laugh lightly. When I talk to him like this, I can forget everything that’s happened to me until now. I feel like a human again. A person unburdened by all the difficult crap that’s fallen on me over the last few years.
“You know, I think what I really need is to just pay someone to cook for me,” Landon says absently. “But then I’d probably have to pay someone to shop for me...or do you think the cook will do that too?”
“I could cook for you,” I blurt without thinking.
There’s silence for several long moments. I can almost hear Landon trying to process what I said. Hell, I’m still trying to process it.
“I mean...like, I could do it. It’s something I have the ability to do...” I feel like someone slammed on the brakes of my mental process. Alarm bells are going off in my head, but I don’t know how to silence them. I swore I would never play with Landon’s emotions by giving him false hope. I only call him because I’m lonely and he’s the closest thing to a friend I have. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, shhhh, Billy it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself.” Landon uses a soothing and surprisingly calm tone with me. Not for the first time. “Don’t worry so much. I’m not reading into it.”
“What if I want you to?” The words slip out almost immediately and my heart is racing in my chest. Am I really doing this? Has it been long enough for me to even think about something like this? Three months isn’t enough time, is it? But it feels right to me. Like somehow this was the natural next step, and I should’ve taken it ages ago.
“Billy...” Landon’s voice sounds strained, like he’s trying to hold back his excitement. “Just...I need you to be clear here. What are you saying exactly?”
I clear my throat and try to focus on what it is I’m hoping to accomplish here. “I’m just saying I think maybe...it would be nice to see you again. I feel like, maybe, I would like to cook dinner for you sometime.” That sounds nice and friendly. Not too much and not too little. I’m proud of myself for managing to get that sentence out without completely mangling it.
“And, um, when would you like to do this? You know how my schedule is. My dinner is usually sometime around three in the morning.” Landon sounds a little uncertain about himself.
“Breakfast then...on your next day off. I’ll come over and cook breakfast for you.” I’m feeling a little more confident with every word out of my mouth. Just making plans with him feels like I’m taking a giant leap forward in our relationship, whatever that is.
“I’m off tomorrow,” he says automatically. “If that’s too soon, then my next day off isn’t until this weekend.”
“I think the weekend will work better.” I take a deep breath and try to assess my preparedness for something like this. “That way I have time to figure out what I’m making.”
“Okay, yeah. That works for me.” I can tell he’s nodding his head in agreement and trying to mask his disappointment. “I can buy whatever ingredients you need. I’ll make sure the kitchen is stocked and ready.”
“That would be great. I’ll figure out the shopping list and text it to you.” I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest. Excitement and anxiety crowd together in my brain, and I want to kick my fe
et against the bed in a frenzy to vent it all. But I don’t. I hold it in and try to remember how to talk. “I should probably let you go now. I know you’ve got to get to work.”
“Yeah.” Landon sounds reluctant. He’s always reluctant to end our calls, but he’s never tried to fight me on it. “I’ll keep an eye out for your text and...I’m looking forward to seeing you this weekend.”
My racing heart slows, and a sense of calm temporarily settles over me as I smile. “Yeah, I’m looking forward to it too.”
We say our goodbyes, and I hang up the phone. There’s a long moment where I just lay there and look up at the bottom of the bunk above me. Part of me can hardly believe what just happened, but the rest of me feels like it was about time. After talking to Landon over the last month, I’ve slowly become more and more certain of the feelings I had begun to develop for him when I was in the hospital.
I’ve been forcing myself to stay distant, keeping my feelings locked up tight. I’ve been telling myself that I’m not ready to let anyone in, especially not the attractive alpha in printed scrubs who makes my heart pound.
The last time I gave myself to an alpha it nearly cost me my life. I don’t think Landon’s anything like Louie, but...it’s hard for me to be sure about anything anymore. The only thing I can really be certain of is the way he makes me feel. It’s different than anything I ever felt when I was with Louie.
It was subtle at first, masked by the layers of pain and mourning and guilt I was carrying around when we met. But the further I get from all that, the more I work through my issues, the more pronounced it becomes. It’s a near-constant ache in my chest and the unmistakable feeling that just being near Landon will soothe it.
I take a deep breath as I slide to the edge of my bunk and sit up. I need to find out what this feeling is, and I think I’m finally in a place where I can do that. I haven’t made much progress in either private or group therapy recently and I need to try harder. I’ve healed as much as I can on my own.
