by Grace, Aria
Something deep inside me, I guess you could call it instinct, is telling me that Landon is the answer. Or, at the very least, he’s the only one capable of helping me find the answer.
63
Landon
I wake up before my alarm goes off. Today is the day.
I couldn’t really sleep last night because I was worrying about it so much. I must’ve double checked the refrigerator a dozen times last night to make sure I have everything on Billy’s list. Then I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, worrying that I had somehow misinterpreted the whole thing. Maybe it was all just some sort of metaphor, and he never actually intended to come over.
My morning routine feels like a chore; showering, getting dressed, grabbing the newspaper, making a pot of coffee. None of it feels like it has any purpose other than to kill time before Billy is supposed to arrive.
Then it dawns on me that I never asked him how he planned to get here. Was he walking? It’s a long way from here to Omega House. Maybe someone will give him a ride because I can’t really picture him taking public transportation. Given how nervous he is about being touched, I feel like a bus would just be a bad idea all around.
I catch myself pacing across the living room floor, and I’m not a pacer. I don’t usually have an excessive amount of nervous energy to burn. Everyone I know says I’m pretty laid back even in stressful situations. Yet, the anticipation of seeing Billy again has me on pins and needles.
When the doorbell rings, I feel like my heart has launched itself into my throat. I try to swallow it back down and steady my breathing before opening the front door.
Billy is standing outside on the front porch, wringing his hands and trying to look anywhere but at me.
“Hey, it’s good to see you again,” I say, immediately adopting my default attitude of friendly, chill, and no pressure. “Come on in.” I sweep my hand to the side as I step back to let him in. I glance out toward the street but don’t see any sign of a vehicle that might have dropped him off.
“How did you get here?” I close the door and reach for his coat.
“Oh, I walked.” He rubs the back of his head sheepishly. “I did a lot of walking...before.”
“You should’ve let me know you needed a ride. I would’ve given you one.” I offer him a friendly smile as I move toward the kitchen.
“It’s no big deal, really. Walking gave me a chance to clear my head and prepare myself for this whole thing. I’m still really nervous, you know?” He hangs back and seems to be trying to keep a decent buffer of space between us.
“Don’t worry,” I try to reassure him. “It’s just breakfast. No pressure. Just two friends eating some good food, right?” I pause by the refrigerator and turn to look his way. To my surprise, he smiles and meets my gaze.
“You’re right, of course.” He nods his head to emphasize his point. “Were you able to get everything on my list?”
“Yeah, I did. No problem.” I pull open the refrigerator door to show off my shopping skills.
“Wow, there’s like...nothing in here except for the stuff I asked you to get. What do you usually eat?” He looks up at me incredulously.
“I don’t spend a lot of time here.” I shrug. “I’m usually at work, and I only really come home to sleep. On the weekends, I’m usually off doing something with friends. So, there’s really no point in keeping stuff in my fridge.”
“Well, that’s gonna have to change.” Billy moves toward the refrigerator and starts pulling out ingredients. “I love breakfast. I always have, but especially now. It’s the most important meal of the day. You can’t rely on breakfast shakes and fast food.”
My jaw is hanging open at his one-eighty change. He’s suddenly confident and bossy. I like it.
He looks at me pointedly. “You should grab a frying pan, so we can get started.”
“We? I thought you said you were cooking for me.” I wink before I go in search of my frying pan. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the occasion to even use it, so I’m not really sure where it is.
“Yes, we.” Billy begins digging through the cupboards and emerges a moment later with a bowl. “You’re clearly in need of instruction.”
“I know how to cook, I just don’t have the time.” I chuckle as I drag the frying pan out of its hiding place in one of the cupboards. “That’s not going to change any time soon.”
Billy lapses into silence for a long moment, and I start to wonder if I’ve offended him.
“I hope you’re hungry, because we’re making a bunch of different things,” he says at last.
I hadn’t meant to imply anything about our relationship or any possible future with us, but I think I might have given him the wrong idea. He’s clearly still got a lot of reservations about me, about my feelings for him, and about whatever it is he might be feeling for me. That’s fine with me. He can take all the time he needs. The fact that he’s here, in my house, right this instant, is more progress than I was hoping for in just a few months.
When he called me out of the blue last month, I was overjoyed. I’d been a man marooned on a deserted island. My only link to the outside world is those little messages in bottles that come when I least expect them. But I treasure every single one of them. Every text, every conversation with him, is a reminder that I’m not alone and he hasn’t forgotten me.
I’m nearly overwhelmed by my desire to wrap my arms around him and hold him close, but I hold myself back. Now is not the time for that. No matter how much I might want it, any physical contact is going to have to be initiated by Billy. If I do it, I’ll only undo all the progress he’s made these last few months. It’s difficult to hold myself back, but I’ll do it because I love him.
I’ve never been more certain of anything else in my life.
64
Billy
The only way I can still the trembling in my hands and the pounding in my heart is to focus on the food I’m trying to make. It’s not that I’m scared of Landon. I’m not. This trembling is for a different reason altogether.
I want him.
I want him so badly it makes me a little nervous. He’s an alpha, and this is the first time I’ve been alone with one since I left Louie. Of course, Landon took care of me in the hospital, but there was always someone else nearby. I could see the nurse’s station from my bed if the door was open. We’ve never really been alone together.
He has this smile in his eyes as he stands on the opposite side of the kitchen island, whisking the bowl of eggs I gave him. Landon’s been nothing but respectful of my personal space since I arrived, but I can sense the tension between us. It feels like a rope is tying us together, and every few seconds, the rope gets a little bit shorter. The more we strain against it, and each other, the more I worry I’m going to snap.
Because...I want him. It’s so simple and obvious and terrifying.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and my fragmented thoughts make me lose count of the flour I’m measuring out for pancakes. My instincts are driving me toward him, but my rational brain is trying to keep me away. I can’t trust myself to make the right decision here. I’ve almost always made the wrong ones in the past.
Still...I’m here in his house. Obviously, I don’t feel threatened if I’m laughing as he tells a funny story about something that happened at work. Truthfully, I feel comfortable, at home, as I pour pancake batter into a pan. He makes a quip about not burning them, and I laugh some more.
The interactions between us flow smoothly, naturally. None of this feels forced. Yet, I feel almost disconnected from all of it. Like I’m watching a romcom on TV. It’s not me in this happy situation. It can’t be. Not after the train wreck that my life has become. I’m not that lucky.
“Billy, watch out!” Landon’s voice cuts through the haze in my head. The world comes into focus just in time for me to notice the glass measuring cup that I’ve knocked off the edge of the counter as it falls toward the ground in slow motion.
I reach for it, but I know I’m not going to get to it in time. Instead, I wait for the crash with my eyes clenched shut.
There’s a heavy thud beside me, and I flinch away terrified of what will happen now. When I open my eyes, Landon is sprawled across the floor at my feet, the measuring cup safely cradled in his hands. He’s grinning from ear to ear, but there’s a slight wince of pain on his face.
“Are you okay?” I drop to my knees beside him and instinctively reach for where the back of his head collided with the cabinets. His hair is soft beneath my fingertips and silky smooth, and I’m close enough to smell the scent of his shampoo. Coconut lime.
“Y-yeah, I’m fine.” He chuckles, and his cheeks begin to flush.
“I didn’t realize that measuring cup meant so much to you. I would’ve been more careful with it.” I pull my hand back and look away apologetically.
“It doesn’t.” He sits up and cranes his neck, probably stretching a pulled muscle. “I was just showing off. In my head, that looked a lot cooler than it did in real life.”
I grin slightly, unable to help myself. I’m defenseless against his boyish charm. “It looked pretty cool, and you succeeded in keeping the measuring cup safe.” I meet his gaze and a shiver runs down my spine. I could sit there and stare into his eyes forever.
Even without saying a word, I can tell he wants to reach for me. His fingers twitch as he holds the measuring cup. He even wets his lips with his tongue, but he doesn’t act on his desires. He’s holding back. Waiting for something.
Waiting for me.
He must want me to tell him it’s okay. He’s trying to give me space, to let me initiate things. He wants me to feel comfortable and in control of the situation. But I don’t know how. I honestly don’t know what to do in a situation like this. I’ve never met an alpha who waited for me to make the first move. No one has ever prioritized my comfort above theirs.
Before I can decide on a course of action, an acrid scent punches me in the nose.
“Shit, the pancakes!” I scramble back to my feet and reach for the spatula. Smoke curls up from the pan as the batter continues to bubble on one side. I try to flip it, but it’s stuck to the pan and requires a mess of scraping and digging to free it.
The earsplitting wail of the smoke alarm echoes through the house as I battle with the pancake. Landon jumps to his feet and rushes to silence the damn alarm before we both go deaf.
The pan is still smoking, and I don’t know what else to do, so I grab the frying pan, plunge it into the sink, and turn the faucet on. Water spits and splatters as it comes in contact with the hot surface. But after a few seconds, the heat and smoke die down and the crisis is averted.
Breathing a sigh of relief, I turn back to Landon just in time to watch him tame the smoke alarm.
“I forgot to grease the pan...” I tell him as he returns to the kitchen with a triumphant grin. “I’m sorry about that. It was totally my fault.” I avoid meeting his eyes and grab the spatula once more.
“What are you talking about? I’m the one who went diving head first into the cupboards.” He chuckles as he speaks, and I can’t keep from looking up at him. “Honestly, it’s not a big deal. The smoke alarm went off, that pancake is ruined, but nothing bad actually happened.”
I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out. I can’t think of anything to say. Louie would’ve screamed at me for making a mistake like that. He probably would’ve grabbed the nearest blunt object and walloped me a few times for good measure. Why is Landon laughing about it like it’s no big deal?
“What’s wrong?” he asks, noticing my anxiety. He keeps his hands at his sides, but I can sense that he wants to touch me. “You look like something’s bothering you.”
“I just...” I want to face him like a man but there are tears in my eyes...like a baby. I feel like everything I’ve been dealing with over the last few months is bubbling through to the surface at the worst possible moment. I thought I’d gotten a handle on all of it, but clearly, I have a long way to go. “I don’t understand. How…how are you so calm right now?”
Landon looks baffled by my words. He lifts his hand to reach for me but freezes in place. A momentary flash of frustration shows in his eyes, but he tamps it down immediately.
“Nothing bad happened.” His eyes are sincere as he meets my gaze. “No one got hurt. Nothing is irreparably damaged. There’s nothing to be upset about, Billy. Even if the measuring cup broke and the house burned down, the only thing I’d be worried about is whether or not you’re okay.”
With his words, the dam breaks and tears pour down my cheeks. I feel like every emotion I’ve ever experienced it pouring out of my soul. Without a single hesitation, I throw myself against his chest and bury my face in his shoulder as my knees begin to buckle. Landon’s arms close around me, and we slowly sink to the floor.
He holds me close and says nothing as I sob. He’s warm and solid and silent. He doesn’t have to do anything or say anything. Just being there for me as I purge myself of the fear and sadness and shame I’ve been holding back for so long is more than enough. More than I expect.
Every cruel thing Louie ever said, every beating he ever gave, the countless nights I lived on the streets carrying his child, the pain and terror of the ambulance ride and those initial nights in the hospital—all of it flashes before my eyes. Every remembered agony renews my sobbing. I clutch at Landon’s arm like it’s the only thing keeping me afloat as the sea of memories churn angrily around me.
I don’t know how much time passes before I realize Landon is humming softly, tunelessly, beside me. Just a soft, steady sound that appears like an albatross before me. Leading me through the storm of emotion, showing me the way to calmer waters.
My tears begin to die away, and after a moment, I lapse into silence. I’m still leaning against him, curled up as small as I can make myself, and cradled in his arms. He rests his cheek against the top of my head and slowly rocks from side to side as he continues to hum. It’s soothing, more than I ever could have imagined. For the first time in a very long time, a sense of true peace begins to settle over me.
“I’m sorry about that.” My voice is raspy and raw, but he can hear me.
“Don’t apologize, Billy.” His words are soft, low, like a warm summer’s breeze gently blowing through a field. “Never be sorry for how you’re feeling. You don’t have to pretend that everything’s fine. You don’t have to bottle things up. You don’t have to deny what’s inside you or ever be ashamed of it.”
I shift my head slightly, so I can look into his eyes. “How are you real?” I ask him after a moment. “I’ve never met an alpha like you before.”
He presses his forehead against mine and lets his eyes drift shut. It’s a gentle motion, but it feels more intimate than almost any position I’ve been in before.
“You’ll never know how much it pains me to hear that,” he says after a moment. “I’m just a regular guy. If you’ve lived your whole life without being shown some common decency, it hurts me more than I can truly say. You’re beautiful, Billy. Beautiful and perfect and I...I can’t imagine what you must have lived through.” He gives me a gentle squeeze as his voice falters.
Every word from his mouth soothes something deep in my soul. He’s the answer to everything that’s been missing from my life.
We sit like that for a long time. So long that the light coming in from outside begins to fade a little. I realize that, if I wanted to, Landon would probably hold me like that forever.
“So much for breakfast.” I laugh lightly as I begin to sit up. “I can still make you dinner though.”
We meet each other’s eyes and there’s something deeply satisfied in his gaze. “I’d like that.” He smiles as he releases me from his embrace.
“Great. Why don’t we get the lights switched on? Looks like it’s getting a little dark in here.” I climb to my feet and stretch. We were sitting in one position for so long that my joints are getting sore. I�
�m glad to be up and moving around again.
Landon stands and does a couple quick twists before cracking his knuckles. The sound makes me cringe a little, and he laughs at my expression.
“You don’t like that, do you?” He crosses the room and hits the lights.
“It just sounds painful,” I admit as I look around the kitchen. All the ingredients we got out for breakfast are still sitting on the counters. The clock on the stove says it’s just after four in the afternoon now, meaning we were sitting on the floor for a little over an hour.
“It actually feels good.” He turns his head from side to side, and I hear the faint popping of his neck.
Each pop makes me grimace a little, and I shake my head in distaste.
“To each his own, I guess.” Landon laughs and reaches for a clean spoon. “Now, what do you plan on making?”
“I’m not sure. Most of these ingredients should still be okay. It’s only been an hour or so. I could make breakfast for dinner.” I look over at the sink where the half-cooked pancake is still half stuck to the frying pan. “Somehow, that doesn’t sound very appetizing at the moment though.”
“Well, you’ve seen my refrigerator. There’s not much there.” Landon sounds apologetic as he speaks. “I guess the only thing left to do is go shopping.”
I don’t know why, but the idea makes my heart race. “Together?”
“Yeah, together. If you wanna come along, that is.” His smile is encouraging and puts me at ease.
“Of course, I do.”
65
Landon
Things may not have gone according to plan, but I feel like the end result was better than I could’ve hoped for. Billy and I are closer now than we were earlier, and for that, I’m grateful.
