Squirrel Bait and Other Stories

by Thomas P. Hanna

  The Store Angel

  For the second time in six months the Johnson and Murphy Clothing Emporium had been robbed and Bruce Johnson was furious. His partner, Harry Murphy, had tried to console him by pointing out that it could have been worse, it could have been a weekend when the loss would have been twice as great, but that didn’t make him feel any better. His fury was especially acute because he felt sure that the incident could have been prevented if the salespeople had only followed his directives. Now he repeated his instructions to everyone on the sales staff that he could corner. Keep the drifters and the idlers out and there would be no trouble. For months, ever since the first robbery, he had urged all of the employees to be constantly aware of the people in the store - those who didn’t seem to be interested in anything in particular and stayed longer than a quick walk through were to be considered suspect. He argued that it wasn’t in the store’s best interest to encourage, - or even permit, loitering in the store. If they weren’t buying or actively looking they should be moved along. There were those, including his partner, who felt that too vigorous a program of shoving people out the door would earn them the Bad Public Relations Award of the Year which comes in the form of a bankruptcy notice but Johnson countered their arguments with the evidence that the first robber had used exactly this ploy of loitering about waiting for the right moment to set them up. Bruce Johnson wasn’t someone to get caught in the same trap twice. Everything he had was tied up in this store and he wasn’t going to let it be taken away from him without a fight.

  As soon as he began his patrol of the floor he saw the man in the wide brimmed hat standing back out of the way leaning against the wall. The fellow was tall and lean with sharp features and bushy sideburns. He was dressed in a cream-colored suit over a blue and white pin-striped shirt open at the neck. His light colored hat sat forward on his head and tilted down over his eyes a bit. He smiled in a friendly but distant way when he saw Johnson looking at him but he didn’t move. All of the little alarm bells in Johnson’s brain were going off. Why hadn’t someone asked him what he was doing there? He was in plain view of at least three employees and none of them was tied up with other customers at the moment. Obviously what was needed was a demonstration of the proper approach.

  Johnson strode defiantly up to the man who raised his head a bit to watch him approach. The man’s expression was calm but alert and he seemed more interested in than intimidated by Johnson’s disapproving frown.

  “Is there something that we can help you with?” Johnson asked loud enough for everyone in the front half of the store to hear. All eyes turned to him.

  The man smiled pleasantly and without any hint of nervousness. “No thanks. Everything is just fine. Don’t bother yourself about me.”

  But of course that was exactly what Johnson couldn’t do. “Are you waiting for someone?” he asked, careful to flick his name tag to identify himself as an owner of the store to call attention to that fact.

  The man had very casually looked off in the other direction and now he brought his attention back to Johnson who was fuming at this nonchalant attitude. “No, I’m okay. Not bothering anybody. Just doing my job.”

  “That is where you are very wrong,” Johnson blurted out. “You are bothering someone. Me. If you have no business in here, kindly take yourself out of here.”

  “Oh, I can’t do that,” the man smiled amiably. “The place would fall down on all these people. That wouldn’t be good at all.”

  At first Johnson was shocked. What was this man talking about? Automatically he looked all around at the roof and walls for some sign of imminent collapse. Seeing nothing to suggest a disaster waiting to happen, he turned his attention back to the man in the wide-brimmed hat. The man’s attention had wandered again. Now he was gazing out the front windows into the parking lot.

  “Look, Mac, I don’t know what you think you’re pulling, but if you aren’t buying, you aren’t staying. Do I make myself clear?” Again Johnson had raised his voice enough to attract attention all over the store. “I happen to be half-owner of this store and I’m telling you that we don’t allow loitering in here. If you want to hold up a wall, go do it someplace else.”

  The man addressed him very seriously in a low voice, “I’m afraid that you don’t appreciate the seriousness of this. I’m holding up this wall precisely and exactly because this wall is in real danger of coming down and bringing the whole place with it. Under more normal circumstances I wouldn’t take quite so corporeal and direct a hand in matters but this is an emergency. I represent absolutely no threat to the security and smooth functioning of your operation so there’s no need for you to get yourself all worked up over my presence. I assure you that everything will be all right as long as I’m here. Now, please, go about your business and stop attracting attention. You’re only making this more difficult.”

  Johnson was livid. How dare this intruder tell him to go mind his own business. This was his business. “See here, you. Just who the heck do you think you are? You act as if you own the place.”

  “Not own,” the man interrupted. “That’s a word only you mortals would use. It has no meaning for me. The proper expression is that I’m assigned to this place. Understand, I’m not complaining,” he added quickly, “it’s just a bit of a change from my last place. A step down some would say.”

  “Just who are you supposed to be?”

  “Oh, I’m the store angel. My name is Alexis. How do you do,” he said offering his hand.

  “The what?”

  “The store angel. I’m assigned to sort of oversee the establishment. Look out for the general welfare. Keep an eye open for no-no’s in the back rooms. That sort of thing. For a couple of hundred years I specialized in castles. Let me tell you, that was a challenge. All those dark passages and secret stairways. I certainly had to stay alert all of the time then. But I did well at it. Excelled if the truth is to be told.”

  “Stop!” Johnson yelled. “This is utter nonsense. I won’t listen to it.”

  Alexis looked at him coldly, obviously hurt. “I can’t help it if you choose to ignore the facts.” He leaned forward to poke Johnson in the chest with his finger then caught himself and quickly leaned back up against the wall. He glanced quickly toward the ceiling, then turned his attention back to Johnson. “Didn’t you have any bringing up? Didn’t your mother or someone tell you all about guardian angels? We’re as old as... Well, I find it hard to believe that you’ve never heard of us.”

  “I’ve heard but I don’t believe in such things. Now cut the line of baloney and get yourself out of here. I’ve never heard of such nonsense. Get out of here!” Johnson said and made a grab at the lapels of Alexis’ coat.

  “Sir!” Alexis said with such force and authority that Johnson hesitated, “if you insist on my leaving, you have the authority to do so. Physical violence won’t be necessary. I warn you that I might be tempted to retaliate in kind if you were to persist in your attack upon my person. Since you’re a partner in the business I’ll have to honor your request that I leave - although I’m sure you’re going to regret it. I do, however, have some obligation to these other people.”

  Johnson had now signaled to the uniformed guard that he paid to add an air of authority to the security detail. “George, escort this crackpot out of here. Now. If necessary throw him out bodily.”

  “That won’t be necessary,” Alexis said. “I’ll be only too happy to leave once I’m sure that everyone is safe.” Raising his voice he shouted, “Everybody out! This is an emergency! This building is about to collapse. Please don’t panic but do hurry. Get out and get clear of the building. I’ll hold things until you’re all...”

  Johnson began waving his arms and shouting, “Don’t pay any attention to him, folks. He’s a mad man. Just go about your business. There’s no danger.”

  The employees and the few customers in the store all stood looking from one to the other in confusion. One young couple at the front of the store bolted fo
r the door and that started a wild scramble for the exits, employees pushing customers out of the way in order to get out first.

  In a voice that rolled like thunder through the whole building Alexis ordered, “Walk calmly to the nearest exit. There is no need for panic. You are in no danger as long as I am holding things up. Don’t panic and don’t run. You are in good hands.” Immediately everyone became more orderly in their evacuation of the store.

  “Stop this! This is madness. This guy is just a weirdo. Come back here,” Johnson yelled, waving vigorously at the employees as they streamed by him on their way to the doors. He tried to step in front of a few of them to stop them but they neatly sidestepped around him. His partner who had been busy in the office at the back of the store came out to see what the confusion was - saw the mass exodus and quickly joined it.

  As the security guard stuck his head back in to see if there was anyone who needed help in getting out, Alexis called to him, “You’d better call the fire department. I’d hit the fire alarm but I can’t reach it from here.” The man looked at him uncertainly then turned and walked to the phone booth outside and began dialing.

  Looking all around him trying to figure out what was happening as he walked, Harry Murphy practically ran Johnson over. “Bruce, what’s going on?” he demanded.

  “You wouldn’t believe!” Johnson said. Pointing to Alexis he said, “This nut claims that he’s the store’s guardian angel and that he’s holding up that wall so that...”

  “He’s the what?”

  “The store angel,” Alexis said. “As the other partner you could still countermand his order and save the store. You look like a person of some intelligence. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”

  Murphy turned to Johnson and said, “Is he serious? What is really going on?”

  “I’m afraid that you know about as much about it as I do,” Johnson assured him. “I told him to move on if he has no business here and he tells me that he’s the store’s angel and he’s holding up the wall and if I throw him out the whole building will fall down.’

  Murphy looked out the front window as he asked, “That’s what caused this panic that emptied the store and brought out the fire department?”

  “Exactly. Now do you agree with me that we should have him arrested for causing this disturbance?” Johnson asked.

  “I do indeed. People could have been seriously injured in the panic,” Murphy said.

  “There was no panic,” Alexis corrected him. “I saw to that.”

  “This guy’s a real fruitcake,” Murphy said. “Don’t let him get away. I’ll get the cops. This is really something. I ought to get the press over here too. Then at least we’d get some free publicity out of it to balance off the loss we’re suffering in all this confusion.”

  “If you gentlemen are in agreement that you no longer desire my services I’ll withdraw them,” Alexis said. “That means let the consequences be on your heads. Uh, not literally of course. Not unless you insist upon staying in here. You have been abundantly warned.” With that he turned and walked resolutely toward the door.

  Johnson and Murphy both looked up when a loud groan sounded in the ceiling above their heads. They looked at one another for a second, then both raced for the door.

  Only a second after they got out, there was a loud rumble and the whole building collapsed into a pile of rag-strewn rubble.

  The partners searched through the crowd in vain for Alexis. He had completely disappeared. Fire and police officials as well as reporters were gathered at one end of the parking lot each with a list of questions for the two of them. When he looked around again Johnson realized that somehow Murphy had managed to slip away too, leaving him to face all the questions alone. How was he ever going to explain to people what had happened? He looked all around hoping that someone or something would provide a distraction so he could at least avoid the TV news cameras. Having to watch himself at six and eleven P.M. trying to sound convinced and convincing as he explained that he had ordered the store’s angel to leave and the roof promptly fell in as that person had warned would be the worst of it.

  “Honey, what’s wrong? Are you all right?” his wife asked.

  “Oh, am I glad to see you,” he said as he grabbed her. “You won’t believe what happened. Nobody will.”

  “Honey, you’re just having a bad dream. You’ve been tossing and turning and muttering for the last half hour,” she assured him.

  “Do you mean the store didn’t fall down? Alexis wasn’t there?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, honey. The store was held up for the second time yesterday, that much I know. You came home tipsy after you stopped for a few drinks to drown your sorrow, then you completed the operation of wiping yourself out when you got here. I don’t know anything about anyone named Alexis.”

  “What time is it?” he asked excitedly, noticing for the first time that it was bright and sunny outside.

  “It’s about eleven. I called the store earlier and told them you wouldn’t be in today. In your condition I thought you’d prefer not to be seen.”

  “Please hand me the phone.” He dialed and had himself connected with the security guard who was on the floor. “Is there a tall, lean man in a cream-colored suit and wide-brimmed hat standing against the south wall? Probably near the men’s socks?”

  “Yes, there certainly is,” the security man replied. “I hadn’t even noticed him. Is there something special that you want me to do about him?”

  Johnson sat on the edge of the bed, his head pounding. He chewed nervously on his lip as he replied, “I don’t know.”

  Techie Tales: 13 New High-Tech Heroes

  These stories introduce 13 new comic book style heroes - not superheroes but scientific ones. Each uses a high-tech system based on state of the art and beyond science to give him or her a limited and specific enhanced ability to deal with problems. Here they continue the on-going process of testing and developing their inventions, using them to deal with problems large and small as they find them.

  Boobs

  Imaginatively dumb college guys Achey, Brakey, and Hart love breasts and mysteriously grow their own - then use them to cause mischief by entering the Home Coming Queen contest at a rival college while learning to undo the effect.

  The Far-Out Show

  In this parody (not a sci fi story) Nerber, a contestant from the planet Ormelex, secretly visits Earth as part of the first intergalactic reality TV show on his home planet. But the popularity of the show back home causes unexpected problems. Meanwhile the Producers shaping the show from a ship in space scheme to come out ahead. But Nerber has his own agenda from the start.

  Is Titanic Rising?

  Reluctant seer Adrian Barakat must help determine if the love of a strong-willed woman who died on Titanic but is determined to be reunited with her fiancée before he dies is what made the restored ship resurface - and if this event is a danger to anyone.

  Jail Job

  In a classic underhanded scheme that goes awry, two prison guards plot to have two convicts they have depicted to the public as criminal geniuses “escape” so they can promptly recapture them for the reward. But the cons really escape. Ultimately that pair get back inside and claim they never left. That leaves the State with a P.R. headache that a smooth inmate operator helps resolve.

  Lotta Losers

  Politely bumbling Maddie Dullboy signs papers to win the Lotta contest - only to learn those are a contract that will bankrupt her family. Finding little sympathy for signing unread papers, she must learn to use the terms and fine print of the contract to become too much trouble for the users to use. She becomes more cautious in the process - or maybe not.

  The One Percent Solution

  The inept Perrine brothers steal a valuable painting only to have it stolen from them by the man who anonymously hired them to steal it. The brothers don’t take this well so their challenge now is to make their efforts pay off for them and
to punish him.

  A Repo Angel

  A new to the job Repo Angel uses the body of a dead woman to tell Stanley his soul is being repossessed. That leads to questions when her body is found and how she died is not clear to the police. Stan’s new lady friend takes it on herself to find out whether he is a liar, a murderer, or crazy.

  Third Time Lucky

  Middle-aged Tess and Hal meet as volunteers in a charity food kitchen. Some say a meal they concocted made people feel better so they must deal with those determined to learn the secret “magic” ingredients despite all disclaimers. While dealing with that the pair find romance.

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