Pretend I’m Yours

by Bates, Aiden

  The only problem was the growing pit of guilt in my stomach. It had begun to niggle at me soon after Kyler officially signed the document. I had not given much thought to my old man’s demands, or my mother’s pleas. But it crept into my mind every so often, and the guilt began to weigh on my shoulders.

  I had not told them about Kyler. I had not told my mother, who I knew would be excited beyond words, and who I was desperate to share the news with. The truth was that I did not know how. As it was, their son had gotten married. And while the specifics of the marriage wouldn’t bother them, I was a little ashamed of how blatant my move would seem to Rance, so soon after delivering his ultimatum. I hoped they would see that getting married was always on the cards for me, and that Rance had simply given me a nudge in the right direction.

  I toyed with the idea of slow-playing it. Of course, I did not have to reveal that I was already married. I could simply tell them that I had met someone, and invite them to our wedding at an undisclosed time in the future.

  But that would mean bringing up the whole unpleasant business with Kyler. After that first night, I had not brought it up again, but I knew how he felt about the arrangement. We had agreed silently to never talk about it. We just carried on with our lives, letting the details worry about themselves. As far as he was concerned, we were married and that was that.

  Still, there was no putting it off forever. Anticipating that my dad could drop by unannounced like he had before, I decided the best thing to do would be to discuss it with Kyler.

  I brought it up one night as we were debating what film to watch. He was in a good mood. We had just eaten a delicious meal, after having a perfect day out.

  “I need to talk to you about something,” I said. Right away, the smile slipped from his face.

  “Okay…?”

  “I’m sorry to bring this up like this. Or at all, really. But we have to talk about it.”

  “If this is about that last slice of pie in the fridge, I don’t know who ate it.”

  That made me smile. Typical Kyler, making jokes to offset the tension.

  “There’s only two people in the house, Kyler,” I told him.

  “Then you must have accidentally eaten it and forgotten about it. You don’t sleep walk, do you?”

  I shook my head.

  “On a serious note, though…” I said.

  “Right. What’s going on?”

  “We never got to have an official wedding ceremony, you know.”

  “I thought that was what you wanted?”

  “I mean…”

  “We are married, right? I signed the certificate.”

  “Yes. Yes, we are. I’m not expressing myself properly, sorry. What I should have led with is this: I have not told my parents about us.”

  An assortment of emotions flashed across his face; confusion, surprise, hurt.

  “Oh.”

  “I’m sorry. But it’s not for any malicious reasons. I actually had this dilemma just before you got here. I didn’t know what you would want to do, so we just focused on the formal bit.”

  “What I wanted to do about what?”

  “You know, the marriage, the wedding. I was not sure how you would want to mark it. Would you want a big, lavish wedding? Are you an intimate ceremony kind of guy? I meant to ask you, but we sort of got carried away, and I realized much later we had not acknowledged it properly, you know?”

  Kyler nodded, but I could see he was still processing.

  “But what does that have to do with your parents?” he asked.

  “Oh. I wanted to know how to tell them. If we settle on having a big wedding, then I would tell them by inviting them to it. If we opted to keep the ceremony out of it, then I would have to announce our union to them. You know?”

  I was desperate for him to understand me, but I was also aware that I was skewing the facts a little.

  “So you’re asking?” Kyler said.

  “Yes. I suppose I am. I’m embarrassed it’s taken so long but… how would you like to acknowledge our marriage? Announce it?”

  I was tempted for a hot second to go down on one knee and make a proper proposal out of it, but I reconsidered. Levity wasn’t my area; it was Kyler’s.

  He was silent for so long I wondered if maybe he had not heard me. Finally, he said, “I read the contract, Saul. I know this is only a marriage in name.”

  It was technically true, but it still stung to hear how casually he said it, like he had resigned himself to the fact. Yet I could not deny it.

  “That doesn’t mean you don’t get to have a say. Whichever way you want to do this is fine with me.”

  It wasn’t much of an offer, I had to admit. I felt like shit, sitting there and basically asking him to choose the manner in which I would disrespect him. Why had it seemed so much easier to make that decision a month ago? But it was obvious why. A month ago I had not known him. A month ago, he wasn’t my Kyler, he was a stranger on a profile on a website. Now that he was actually my husband, I hated having used him like that.

  “I don’t think it really matters,” he said after some thought. “If, as per the stipulations of our agreement, this is a marriage of convenience, then I see no need to go through a complicated process just to arrive at the point we are already at. We’re married. A ceremony would be just for show.”

  It was a logical decision on his part. On mine, it left me with only one path. I would have to tell my parents Kyler and I had met and fallen in love, and decided there was no need for a formal wedding. So I told him it was okay, and we went back to a grudging discussion on the relative merits of the Rocky sequels. However, I promised myself I would find a way to make it up to him.

  As expected, my dad called me shortly afterwards. He claimed he was just checking in, but I knew he was touching base to remind me of the stipulations surrounding my inheritance. He wasn’t even subtle about it. Right after the pleasantries, he asked me if I had given any more thought to his ‘request’.

  “Actually, Dad, I’m glad you called. I have some news on that front. I did meet someone.”

  I heard him call out, and seconds later my mother’s voice came through the phone.

  “That’s wonderful news, darling!” she trilled. “When can we meet him?”

  And so it went, with the two of them pressing until I agreed to have them over for dinner the next week.

  I expected Kyler to be reluctant to meet them, but he was thrilled when I told him about the visit. He slipped back into his self-appointed role over the next few days, fussing over tiny details like the state of the house and the practicality of the visit.

  I think some of his anxiety came from the fact that it was Rance McCormick he was about to meet. It had not surprised me in the least to learn that he was familiar with my dad’s work. Even though he wasn’t the most ardent fan, he had seen enough of the old man to hold him in high regard. He peppered me relentlessly about my parents, asking what they liked, the kinds of topics to avoid during dinner and even what foods they were allergic to. It was clear he wanted to make a good impression.

  Personally, I was more nervous than I let on. I knew my parents well enough to realize this was not a simple dinner. I had only ever brought one person home to meet them, and that had turned out to be a disaster. This was going to be an examination, an interrogation and an interview all at once. Kyler was up against the ghost of Chris, and I was afraid he would find himself on the receiving end of a bias he inherited unfairly.

  I also knew Rance was too smart not to have doubts about the union. The timing would not be lost on him. I was sure he would be looking for any indicators that what we had was not real.

  More than anything else, however, I was nervous about the possibility that it wouldn’t go well. It seemed illogical to even worry about that, considering Kyler and I were already married. But it was not set in stone. There was always the possibility our arrangement would come to light, and we would be forced to go our separate ways. I would not allow
myself to even entertain the idea.

  It was not until the night before their arrival that I realized we had forgotten an important detail. Our backstory. Somehow, neither of us remembered that ‘we met on a mail order groom service’ was not the best conversation starter.

  We stayed up talking about it. Kyler pointed out that the best lies are rooted firmly in the truth. I had a sneaky suspicion that he was quoting something Rance had said in one of his movies. He felt it would be best if we stayed in the general area of the truth, even if we took a little creative license with it.

  The official version of our meeting therefore became that we had met briefly in L.A. two years back, where I happened to attend a Country Club where Kyler was working. The sparks flew, but Kyler was in a relationship so nothing happened. A year and a half later, we renewed our acquaintance online, and after a few weeks of correspondence agreed to meet up. I invited him over to the mountains and we fell in love.

  Simple and believable, we agreed.

  “But I’m sure they won’t even ask how we met,” Kyler commented as he fell asleep in my arms.

  They did. They did ask.

  Rance and Phoebe McCormick arrived as they did everything else; in style. They came in one of the cars we left at the airstrip, after landing in Redvale earlier that day. Mother was draped in an elaborate coat that seemed to be made of liquid gold. It was not uncommon for her to overshadow the great Rance McCormick, yet today he looked ordinary in his bespoke suit and bowtie. They met us at the entrance to the mansion, big smiles on their faces.

  Mother hugged Kyler like a lost son. She held him back and looked him over, before telling him he was too skinny, and wasn’t ‘that son of hers’ feeding him properly. Kyler laughed and informed them, hand on hip, that it was HE who was doing the feeding in that house.

  They were still laughing when we got into the house. The air was decidedly cheery. We made pleasant small talk, ranging from their flight over to dad’s favorite team, the Lakers. Here, Kyler stunned me by pointing out, in generous detail, exactly why the LeBron James move spelled doom for the team. I vaguely remembered mentioning that dad was a fan, but I had no idea if Kyler had had time to research it, or if he was a sports fan himself. That conversation carried them all the way through the house. Mother and I exchanged knowing glances, like we always did when dad met up with one of his buddies and the conversation turned immediately to sports.

  “Let’s hope they don’t segue into talking movies,” she whispered to me.

  I had something else on my mind.

  “Dad, Mother,” I said as we sat down in the living room. “We have some news.”

  Phoebe perked up instantly, her eyes wide. Rance’s expression did not change, although he crossed his arms and leaned back.

  “Kyler and I are married,” I announced. The room was almost uncomfortably quiet, and I could feel Kyler tense beside me. We looked expectantly at Rance and Phoebe.

  Mother squealed in delight. “Oh! That’s wonderful news, dear!”

  “Thank you, Mother.”

  “Surely you mean you’re getting married?” Dad asked.

  “We’re already married,” I said, matching the intense look on his face with an unflinching one on my own.

  “When did this happen?” Mother asked, and I knew she was trying to offset whatever Dad was going to say.

  “Yeah,” Dad jumped in, not to be deterred. “When did you two meet? How did you two meet?”

  He spoke with the cadence of a man who had played several cops and detectives in his movies.

  Kyler and I exchanged a significant look. I had to look away to prevent myself from laughing, in spite of the situation.

  “Do you want to take this one?” Kyler asked me. His hand reached over to mine and squeezed. So perfectly done. I made a mental note to ask Kyler if he had done any work in theater.

  “No,” I responded. “You go ahead, you tell it better.”

  Exactly like we practiced. Kyler smiled as he told the story.

  “Saul and I first met at a private Country Club in the L.A. I was his waiter. He was sitting alone, ordering refills for his rum and coke every half hour. I figured he had been stood up by a date, so I kept going back to his table, making small talk and subtly flirting with him. I don’t think he noticed. Anyway, his date never showed, and I ended up spending most of the time with him, anyway. I was actually seeing someone else at the time, but we exchanged contact information all the same. I definitely wanted to see him again.”

  “When was this, Saul?” Dad asked, and there was a little more than conversational curiosity in his voice.

  “It was so long ago, Dad. Two years, I think.”

  Dad nodded, though he looked unconvinced.

  “I did not hear from him for a long time after that,” Kyler went on. He was beaming at my parents, his eyes alive with joy. I was impressed at how readily he inhabited the role.

  “Then one day out of the blue he sides into my DM, and we pick up the conversation like nothing happened…”

  “He slid into your what?” Mother jumped in, her hand over her breast in mock horror.

  Kyler did not miss a beat.

  “DM. My private messages on Twitter. I wouldn’t give up the cookie that fast, Phoebe. Not even to this gorgeous man.”

  He told the story with such a flourish, throwing in cute little anecdotes and references. The parents were completely gripped. They laughed along with him, frowned and shook their heads as he described our eventual meeting. Here, I was pleased to hear Kyler stick to the actual story of our meeting. Even my dad, who was clearly still skeptical, was finding it harder to keep up his frown.

  “That was beautiful,” I said when he was done. He gave me a surreptitious wink. “Though you forgot to mention that it was your excellent taste in movies that made me fall in love with you.”

  It slipped out of its own accord. I had meant for it to be an opening for Kyler to gush about how much he loved those classic McCormick films. Somehow, the L word came tumbling out of my mouth. I heard myself say it, then I saw Kyler’s eyes widen just a fraction as he registered what I had said. Then he was back to playful and charming.

  “Lucky for you,” he said. “I only love you because of that big, unruly beard.”

  “He’s the one, isn’t he?” my mother asked me when we were alone in the kitchen some time later. I had never seen her so happy. “I can tell from the way you look at him. And the way he looks at you too! That boy is in love with you.”

  The words sounded ominous coming from her. I forced myself to smile and tried to redirect the conversation.

  “So? What do you guys think of him?”

  “Oh, he is perfect,” my mother gushed. “Your father is trying to play his cards close to his chest, but I know he likes him. As soon as Kyler brought up basketball, he was gone.”

  I allowed myself to laugh along with her. She had no idea how much relief that brought me.

  “I have to say, darling. I have never seen you so happy, so free. I think Kyler is the best thing to have happened to you in a very long time.”

  I opened my mouth to object, but only out of habit. I was saved from having to come up with a lie by Kyler popping his head into the kitchen, announcing that dad was spoiling for a game of Monopoly.

  As we walked back to the den I thought, not for the first time: What if? What if it didn’t all have to be an act? What if I allowed myself to love again?

  11

  Kyler

  I waited for Saul by the door.

  I could tell the charm offensive had worked. Rance and Phoebe had been laughing as they left. Phoebe had clutched me tightly to her as she hugged me goodbye and whispered in my ear, “Don’t let him push you away”. It seemed there was something to the way she said it, but I didn’t know what to make of it. Rance had simply patted me on the back, reminding me so much of my own dad, and welcomed me to the family.

  It did not even feel like a charm offensive. I genuinely liked Saul’
s parents. I had known they would be sizing me up from the word go, but once the initial anxiety wore off, they seemed to caring, engaging people.

  Clearly, their only concern was for the happiness of their son, and once they saw that I represented that very outcome, their hearts seemed to open up to me.

  I loved the fact that I had not been forced to try really hard to interact with them. Saul had seemed to think we needed to put on a performance for them, to play the married couple. Well, he may have been playing, but I did not need to. When I looked at him, the lust that peeked through my eyes was genuine. When I laughed or smiled, it was because of him touching something deep in me. Really, the only thing I had struggled to do was keeping my hands off him all through dinner.

  But now dinner was over, and the longing was back, lapping at me like a growing fire.

  I stood right where Saul had left me as he went to see them off. I had…ideas I was curious to implement.

  Saul had said he loved me. Granted, it had been in a specific context, and we had been playing a married couple, so I knew it meant nothing. But it had been good to hear. I had said it myself, except I had actually meant it. It was no longer such a leap to imagine him saying it and meaning it.

  In the weeks we had been together, he had certainly shown it, in his own subtle little ways. He always held me when we slept. His heat and scent were now so essential to me I could not sleep if I wasn’t enveloped completely in them. Every time we made love, it was intense and filling and beautiful. He had welcomed me into his life, too. We did almost everything together, from lounging around aimlessly in the house, to long excursions into the wild. He loved spending time with me-that I was sure of. What did I need the words for?

  My plan seemed to be working perfectly. Jess would be proud. Be an excellent husband, check. Make him fall in love with you, loading. And the most crucial piece of advice Jess would never forgive me for not carrying out: fuck his brains out.