The Nun's Betrothal

by Ida Curtis

  Justin cursed himself for being so practical. Philip was making love to at least one woman, perhaps two. It had been a dream kiss, and he wanted to taste it again. They would be quiet. But when he again reached for Gilda, she scrambled to her feet.

  “That’s what I wanted to tell you. Philip left. I heard the door close and thought it was you.”

  Without a word Justin sprang up and pushed open the door to the back room. After a quick search he slammed the door and let loose with a string of curses.

  Gilda grimaced at his words. “Philip probably wanted to say goodbye to Lady Emma,” she suggested.

  “Don’t make excuses for him, Gilda. I got him out of the dungeon, and he’s shown his appreciation by running away. He’s my responsibility. I made promises to obtain his release.”

  Justin’s fury was understandable, Gilda thought. Philip had left them in a terrible predicament, and if he didn’t return, their assignment would be in jeopardy. Although she hoped Philip would appear in the morning, she didn’t dare to suggest it would happen. Rather than say anything, she moved to the fire and added a few logs.

  Regaining control of his emotions, Justin sat beside Gilda, being careful not to touch her. He knew his anger was as much a result of sexual frustration as Philip’s disappearance. “If Philip is guilty of seducing Mariel, he won’t be back. We might as well accept that fact,” he said as he stared into the fire.

  Gilda nodded, but she didn’t look at Justin. She was reliving the kiss they had shared. In order to distract herself, she picked up the woolen cap and started to cover her hair.

  “Don’t do that, Gilda.” Justin’s plea was hoarse with emotion, and she put away the cap.

  “I can’t believe Philip would sneak off like that,” she said.

  When Justin didn’t answer, she asked, “What are we going to do?”

  “Hope he returns. We can’t do anything else until morning. I can’t find my way out of here in the dark, and even if I could, I wouldn’t know where to go. If he doesn’t come back, I’m not sure what we should do. I keep thinking that if I hadn’t let him know I doubted his word about Lady Mariel, he might not have run away.”

  “You have no reason to blame yourself, Justin. I know you don’t think he’ll return, but try to see things from his point of view. Cedric is going to be making accusations against him and his connection to Mariel. No doubt Philip wants to find Lady Emma and tell her about what is happening. After loving her since he was ten, he has finally convinced her to return his love, and he won’t want to risk losing what he has gained.”

  Justin took her hand. “You have a great deal of faith in people, Gilda. Do you really believe that Lady Emma, who from what we have heard is at least ten years older than Philip, is the love of his life?”

  “It’s very possible. There is no lack of examples of couples who seem hopelessly mismatched but share a deep love for each other.” Gilda looked at her small hand lying in his large one and thought about their own case. Did Justin love her? she wondered. “Let’s find something more to eat,” she whispered.

  Holding her hand tightly, Justin ignored her request. “You are a fanciful person, Gilda. I haven’t known many couples who share the type of devotion you speak of.”

  “What about my brother Chetwynd and your sister Isabel? You know them.”

  “Yes, I know them. But there is nothing mismatched about your brother and my sister. The puzzling thing about them is they took so long to find each other.”

  Gilda nodded her agreement and relaxed. The mismatched couple she wished to discuss was the nun and the diplomat, but she was afraid of where that discussion might lead. “Perhaps we should talk of something else to pass the time.”

  “You really think that might help?”

  “No, and neither will eating. Maybe we should try and sleep. It’s a long time until morning,” she pointed out.

  “If I promise to do nothing more than hold you, will you lie in my arms?”

  Gilda hesitated briefly, then turned her back and moved closer to him. Justin fitted his body to hers, pulling her close so that she curled into him. Her head tucked neatly under his chin, and when he draped his arm over her stomach, his elbow rested on her hip. It was heaven to hold her, and he knew it would be torture to keep his promise, but he wouldn’t change a thing. It felt right.

  When Justin awoke, sunlight was seeping into the cottage from the edge of the window covering. He couldn’t believe he had fallen asleep. The last thing he remembered was hearing Gilda’s steady breathing and feeling her body relax as she nodded off.

  Without moving, Justin took stock of how he was holding her. His hand was now cupping her breast. As he became aware of his own arousal, he knew he should pull back before Gilda woke up. Instead he closed his eyes and concentrated on all the places their bodies touched and the heat that touching generated. He told himself that if he moved, he would wake her, and she needed her sleep.

  At the same time, he worried about what she would think when she did awake and felt his stiff member resting against her bottom. Perhaps she wouldn’t notice, he reasoned. She was a nun, unfamiliar with the workings of a man’s body.

  But Gilda was not dull-witted. Helping abused and cast-off wives, she was bound to have picked up a great deal of knowledge about men. Justin gently lifted his hand from her breast and moved his body slowly away from hers.

  When cool air replaced the warmth at her back, Gilda turned toward the retreating heat source. Blinking open her eyes, she saw Justin pulling away from her. She reached out her hand and placed it at the side of his face. “Where are you going?” she asked.

  “It’s morning. We should get up.” He turned his mouth into her hand and kissed her palm.

  “Hmmmm. I had such a lovely dream,” she said.

  “Did you?” Her half-closed eyes and languid smile were impossible to resist. He pulled her against him again. “What did you dream, Gilda?”

  “I dreamed of the way you kissed me when I woke you in the middle of the night. You’d never kissed me like that before. In my dream it was like your whole body was kissing me.”

  “Do you realize what you’re saying?” he whispered against her temple.

  “Show me, Justin. Show me what it’s like to be together with you like that.” She lifted her face, offering her lips.

  It would have been so easy to do what she asked. Justin certainly wanted to. But he knew Gilda wasn’t fully awake, and he remembered how easy it was to lose control in that state. It wasn’t that he doubted the fact that she wanted him, it was just that he feared she would be sorry if he allowed her to give in to her desire. She had never been with a man, and she might regret it later. Her brother had been right to warn him that he must be careful.

  “We can’t do this, Gilda.” His words fell upon her like a bucket of cold water.

  Forcing herself to pull free of his arms, Gilda sat with her back to him and tried not to feel rejected. “You’re right,” she whispered as she straightened her clothes. “I forgot myself.”

  “Look at me, Gilda. We need to talk about this. It’s important that we reach some decision about our future before we let our emotions drag us where we aren’t ready to go. Can’t you look at me?”

  “No, not at this moment. I’m going outside.”

  Gilda scrambled up and was gone before he could say another word. He had done the right thing, he told himself. Two days ago, he had thought he could make love to her and that would be the end of it. She seemed eager to learn what love was about, and he was certainly eager to show her. But now he wanted more. It wasn’t just her body he wanted last night as they lay together in front of the fire. He wanted to talk to her, comfort her, and share a future with her. But he wasn’t sure she wanted the same thing. She had made no secret of the fact that her life as a nun suited her.

  Gilda was gone so long that Justin was about to go look for her when the door opened. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the wide smile on her face, but in th
e next minute he realized the reason for her happiness, and it had nothing to do with him. Philip was behind her.

  “Where did you go?” Justin demanded harshly at the same time as he saw that Philip wasn’t alone.

  The woman beside Philip seemed taken aback by the bark of Justin’s greeting. She stood as tall as Philip, and strands of russet hair hung below her head covering. In spite of the fact that she was a beautiful woman, the way she hung back, holding Philip’s hand, gave the impression that she was the shyer of the two.

  “I had to speak with Lady Emma,” Philip explained. “I left without telling you because I wasn’t sure you’d let me go. Lord Justin, this is Lady Emma, daughter of Lord Metcalf.”

  “My lady,” Justin said, nodding his head. Sensing her fear, and knowing he was to blame, he tried to put her at ease. “I hope you don’t mind that we used one of your cottages for the evening.”

  She shook her head but still didn’t say anything. Philip spoke for her. “Emma was pleased we stayed here. When we met Sister Gilda outside, we told her that we have brought some fresh bread and cheese for breakfast.”

  “That would explain the pleased expression on Sister Gilda’s face,” Justin replied, determined to make up for his earlier harsh greeting.

  Emma relaxed enough to say, “Thank you for rescuing Philip from the dungeon, Lord Justin.” She looked at Philip’s battered face with a sad expression.

  “Sister Freda and Sister Gilda tended his wounds,” Justin pointed out.

  Gilda slipped past him and bent to pick up her cap as Lady Emma, her eyes wide, watched. Philip must have explained the situation to her, but the lady clearly didn’t know what to make of a nun dressed as a lad.

  Emma seemed fascinated by the sight of Gilda’s hair disappearing under the cap. “Are you really a nun?” she asked Gilda.

  “I am. I’m only dressed this way because we needed to leave Mainz quickly. I imagine Philip told you the circumstances.”

  “Yes. Philip explained. But I was expecting . . .” Emma paused as she searched for the right words. “I guess I expected you to be different.”

  It was clear to Justin that what she meant was she didn’t expect to find a beautiful woman. Before he could suggest that Emma return home before she was missed, Philip spoke up, urging the same thing.

  “Emma, you should probably get back before Lord Metcalf discovers your absence,” he said, appearing nervous as he realized how interested Emma was in Sister Gilda.

  Lady Emma smiled at him, but she seemed in no hurry and all signs of shyness had disappeared. She spoke again to Gilda. “You have a lot of freedom for a nun. I didn’t realize nuns could travel about as you are doing.”

  “In spite of what you see, I don’t travel about dressed as a lad,” Gilda said. “But it’s not at all unusual for nuns to travel in our work.”

  “You have more freedom than I have, Sister Gilda. I’ve never been away from my father’s manor,” Emma said. Then another thought seemed to occur to her. “You don’t have to worry about your father deciding to marry you off to someone you have no interest in marrying. You are fortunate, Sister Gilda.”

  “That’s true,” Gilda replied with a smile.

  “What’s it like being a nun?” Emma asked.

  As she thought about how to answer, Gilda became aware of the two men watching her. She knew Justin didn’t understand her life as a nun any more than Emma did. She wanted them both to know how she became a nun and why she loved it.

  “My father didn’t send me to the convent to be a nun, but rather as a young girl to be educated. As I grew older, I began to teach other younger girls who came from all parts of the empire. That was an education in itself. Listening to their tales, I learned almost as much as I taught. When my father decided it was time I married, I told him I wished to stay at the convent. He wasn’t pleased with my decision, but the abbess convinced him that it was the life for me.”

  As Gilda talked, she forgot the men watching and concentrated on Emma. “Perhaps the greatest advantage of being a nun is being free from the dictates of a father or husband. I understand that your father wishes you to marry Count Cedric.”

  “Yes. But I have no intention of marrying the count. If I can’t dissuade my father, perhaps I can become a nun.”

  Startled by her words, Philip interrupted their conversation. “You don’t have to become a nun. I will take you away, Emma.”

  The lady looked at his cut and bruised face, her eyes full of sadness. “I would like nothing more, Philip. But I worry about putting you in more danger.”

  “Emma, please, we’ve talked about this. Your father can’t force you to marry my brother while he’s still married. Give me time to work out a plan for us to be together. I know I can do it.”

  Gilda was also startled by Emma’s words. “Being a nun is a vocation that gives a woman a chance to help people and to find spiritual peace. It’s a very satisfying life, but it’s not for everyone. I don’t recommend it as a solution for resolving your conflict with your father. It’s a choice you should make for other reasons.”

  Emma nodded. “I understand what you are telling me, Sister Gilda. I want to be with Philip. But if that isn’t possible, I can flee to a convent as Lady Mariel did.”

  “I hope things work out for you and Philip,” Gilda replied. Although she was glad Emma understood that there was something she could do to escape marrying Cedric, Gilda didn’t want to encourage flight while Philip was staring at her in dismay.

  Philip took Emma’s arm. “I wish to say goodbye to Lady Emma in private. I’ll be back in a minute,” he said as he moved through the door quickly, not giving Justin a chance to object.

  As soon as they were alone, Justin turned to Gilda. “You shouldn’t have encouraged Lady Emma to join a convent. That’s not the answer for every woman who has a problem.”

  “It certainly isn’t, and I did not encourage her to join a convent to solve her problem. If you were listening carefully, you would know I said the opposite.” To avoid his piercing stare, she turned to help herself to a piece of the fresh bread Emma had left on a bench.

  “You made the life seem ideal. All that freedom from the dictates of husbands and fathers. That’s all she is going to remember.”

  “Emma is a clever woman, and I think she understood what I was saying, even if you didn’t.”

  With a violent movement, Justin ripped a piece of bread from the loaf in front of them. “Oh, I understand all right. You love the freedom you enjoy as a nun with no father or husband to worry about.”

  Gilda stopped chewing and threw her bread down. “That’s it, isn’t it? You aren’t worried about my misleading Emma. You’re angry because I’m satisfied with my life as a nun.”

  “You receive satisfaction from other things, too, Gilda. You like being kissed, being touched. How do you plan to fit that in with your love for your vocation? Answer me that.”

  “Lower your voice,” she hissed. “Yes, you have taught me to appreciate those things. What are you trying to say?”

  “I want to know what your intentions are. Are you going to make love to me to satisfy your curiosity, then return to the convent? Is that your plan?”

  “I don’t have a plan, Justin.”

  “All right. I can accept that. But what if I had given you what you wanted this morning? What would you have done?”

  “But you didn’t give me what I wanted, did you? Because you knew it would have been wrong. And you were right, Justin. Thank you for having the control and good sense to stop.”

  “Holy mother. You are turning this around on me. Are you angry because I stopped?”

  Gilda paused to consider his question. “Maybe a little. But please believe me, it was the right thing. I’m the one who made a mistake. I forgot who I am.”

  “It doesn’t feel right now.” He took a step toward her, but before he could reach out to touch her, the door opened, and Philip strode in.

  The young man glared at Gilda. “
Did you have to put ideas in Emma’s head about becoming a nun?”

  Before Gilda could reply, Justin spoke harshly to Philip. “You forget yourself. You shouldn’t have brought Emma here, and you shouldn’t have left in the middle of the night. I hope you got some rest because we’re leaving.”

  Philip looked like he wanted to say more, but Justin’s fierce expression discouraged him. When Justin began to gather together the few belongings they had brought to the cottage, Philip moved forward to help.

  Gilda followed their lead, packing up the food she no longer had an interest in eating. Justin was being unreasonable, but he had made a good point. That morning she had acted recklessly. If Justin had made love to her, as she had all but begged him to do, she could have become pregnant. If that happened, she’d lose all control over her decision about the future.

  Her involvement with Justin was threatening her freedom to choose. She stole a look at his face and could see that he wasn’t happy with her. But at least Philip hadn’t stayed angry.

  “Let me help you with that,” he said as he lifted her pack.

  “For heaven’s sake, let’s get going. The others will be way ahead of us,” Justin complained, causing Philip to look at Gilda and shake his head.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Philip, Justin, and Gilda rode in gloomy silence as they made their way along the road that would lead them to the Convent of Saint Ives. Philip, who was upset at having to say goodbye to Lady Emma, took a while to realize that he wasn’t the only one in a melancholy mood. When he did notice that Gilda trailed behind and Justin rode well ahead, he urged his horse forward until he reached Justin.

  “Is something amiss?” the young man asked Justin in a quiet voice.

  “No,” Justin answered, keeping his eyes on the road ahead.

  The curt reply kept Philip silent for a few minutes, but he finally spoke again. “Sometimes it helps to speak of the things that are bothering you.”

  When Justin turned his eyes upon Philip, one eyebrow was raised. Unaffected by the wary look, the young man persisted, “Perhaps I can be of help.”