The Million Pieces of Neena Gill

by Emma Smith-Barton

  After that, everything was very easy. We rang Dad to tell him we’d eaten and were going to study. He said everything was going as well as it could at the hospital. When he asked to speak to Aunty Ruby, Raheela said she was in the bath. The hardest part was trying not to think about the hospital as I left the house, but it’s easier now I’m out – so much else to focus on. Still, the thoughts keep coming and going …

  The baby’s coming.

  I take a deep breath, stand straight and smile. I’m not going to think about the baby. I’m going to have a good time.

  A taxi pulls up and I recognize a girl with very straight, long blonde hair from the year above. Another blonde-haired girl follows her out of the cab. They could be twins: both wearing short red dresses and huge gold hoop earrings. Then Josh emerges. He’s wearing a white-and-green stripy shirt and smart navy jeans. I smile and wave as I catch my breath.

  I can’t believe I’m out in town on a Friday night – with Josh!

  He jogs over and kisses me on the cheek. ‘Wow!’ he says. ‘Look at you!’ He scoops his arm round me, and I’m filled with that buzzing feeling I had this afternoon.

  Josh introduces me to the girls. They smile at me and I feel like I’m part of a secret club as I smile back. Then we’re on our way. They walk ahead of us; Josh and I follow. Look how totally normal we’re being! I just wish my skin felt a bit less prickly.

  ‘My mates have gone off to some sporty bar so we’ll go in with Rhian and Tash; they know the bouncer at Club 22,’ Josh says. ‘So he definitely won’t ask for ID.’

  I nod. ‘Cool,’ I say, like this is the sort of thing I do all the time. ‘And Fi’s meeting us at the club a bit later,’ I tell him, though I’m really not in any hurry to see her.

  Josh squeezes my shoulder. ‘Great.’

  I sneak a look at his face, to see if he’s pleased she’ll be there. But he looks normal. Not too pleased. More interested in what’s going on around us …

  We walk past a row of bars. Outside one, a group of guys are singing – if you can call it that – at the top of their voices. Beer spills from their pint glasses as they raise them in the air. The stench of sweat hits me as we pass them. Josh tightens his grip round me.

  I spot an Asian guy, and his eyes meet mine. Is it someone who might know me? Does he know Dad? I quickly look away and focus on the street in front of me. I pull my dress down a bit. I don’t want to care – I know I can’t be the perfect daughter my parents want any more. I want to be here with Josh. I want to go dancing with him. But, at the same time, I do care. If this guy knows Dad, he’ll tell him he’s seen me – in town on a Friday night, wearing a tiny dress, with a boy’s arm round me. I’m literally dead.

  I’m just wondering how I can slip out of Josh’s arms without it being obvious when we turn down a side lane. It’s practically deserted. I relax. I can’t imagine anyone who knows Mum and Dad will spot me down here. But the cobbled stones make it hard to walk in high heels, though Rhian and Tash don’t seem to be having any trouble. I hug Josh’s waist tight for support. We pass run-down shops and a couple of small bars and it stinks of wee and cigarette smoke. I start to feel a bit uneasy.

  ‘Is this where we’re going?’ I ask Josh quietly.

  ‘Yeah, not far, just up there.’

  I smile. Not at anyone in particular. To myself. At the air. And the cobbled path. If I just smile hard enough, everything will be OK.

  We stop halfway down the lane. A blue neon sign flickers outside a huge red door: CLUB 22.

  Rhian and Tash turn round to us. ‘No queue!’ Rhian grins. ‘We can go straight in.’ Tash pulls a small, round mirror out of her handbag and refreshes her lipstick.

  I suddenly feel the need to do mine too. ‘Can I borrow that?’ I ask.

  ‘Sure.’ She pushes the mirror into my hand. ‘It’s broken,’ she says, shrugging, ‘but it still works.’

  ‘Let’s go!’ Rhian says, tugging on Tash’s arm. ‘I need a drink!’

  ‘Wait, what about Fi?’ I say, suddenly unsure about going in. This is beginning to feel a bit much, and, although I don’t want Fi flirting with Josh, I wish she was here to reassure me. The club looks like a complete dive. Maybe Fi knows somewhere better we can go. ‘I … I said I’d meet her outside,’ I lie.

  The girls look at each other. ‘We’re going in now,’ says Rhian. ‘You coming or what? You won’t get past the bouncer without us. Unless you want us to introduce you to Baldwin? He’s Tash’s brother’s mate so he’ll definitely get you in.’

  Tash nods. ‘Sure, I’ll introduce you. Or just come in now? Fiona will find her own way in.’

  I look at Josh. ‘I’m waiting for Fi,’ I tell him firmly.

  He squeezes my arm. ‘Don’t worry,’ he says. ‘I’ll pop in with Tash and quickly meet her friend.’

  They all disappear through the red door, into the dimly lit club. I lean against the wall, feeling totally out of place. This lane is so creepy. I message Fi to tell her we’re at Club 22 and ask how long she’ll be. Then, seeing that I’ve still got Tash’s mirror, I pull the red lipstick Raheela lent me out of my clutch.

  But, when I look in the mirror, it’s very confusing. I can’t see my whole face. The mirror is cracked all over, so I can see my lips, eyes, cheeks, nose – all in different parts of the mirror. It’s me, Neena Gill, but in a million pieces. The million pieces of Neena Gill.

  And I think about how this is exactly how I feel inside. I’m still there, the old me, somewhere deep inside. But I’m all muddled, like everything’s in the wrong order, and I can’t put myself back together. My skin goes even pricklier as I stare at the pieces of myself.

  I shove the mirror and lipstick into my bag. I concentrate on breathing. I try to remember what I used to look like – inside and out – but I can’t remember.

  My breathing gets tighter and my chest begins to hurt. A lump the size of an orange is in my throat, stopping me from breathing. I try not to cry as I realize I’m probably going to have a full-on panic attack outside a club I don’t even want to go into.

  I close my eyes and try to breathe. Deep breaths that reach my stomach. I breathe through the pain that’s spreading throughout my body. And it works a bit.

  Seconds later, someone calls me. I look up to see Fi hurtling towards me, her arms wide open. I’m both glad and annoyed to see her. She looks amazing. Her red hair is straight and sleek. She’s wearing a silver, metallic body-con dress. Her cheeks are shimmering. I feel a fizz of jealousy and wish I’d gone in without her after all. Or that Josh and I had gone somewhere else altogether, just the two of us. I wish we were in his bedroom right now, cosy beneath his duvet.

  Then I see there’s a guy coming up behind Fi. She hugs me hard and then looks me in the eye. ‘Neens,’ she says. ‘I have a new boyfriend. I didn’t want to tell you like this, but he insisted on coming. And I figure you need to know at some point. But are you … OK with this?’

  I stare at Fi. A new boyfriend? My prickly skin burns all over. Akash. Josh. And now a new guy too. She really wants to get her claws into everyone!

  Fi smiles as the guy reaches us. ‘This is Chris,’ she says. ‘Chris, this is my Neens.’

  Chris is tall, dark and handsome. He’s wearing a plain grey T-shirt and jeans, but he somehow looks smart. He could be a male model.

  ‘I’ve heard so much about you,’ he says, kissing my cheek.

  I shoot Fi a look. What exactly has she said about me? And then Josh walks out of the club and another horrible thought hits me. My skin burns and burns. Is this all a front? An act? To make me less suspicious about Fi trying to get to Josh?

  I glance up and down the lane. Where is Akash? If Akash was here, it would make everything better – I’m sure Fi would forget about any other guys.

  ‘All sorted,’ Josh says, reaching us. He hugs Fi and I feel a sting of jealousy as her perfectly manicured hand curls round his waist. I push the jealousy away.

  No. Josh loves me.

 
; Fi must notice me staring because she quickly wraps her arms round me again. ‘How you doing, Neens?’ she asks, while Josh shakes hands with Chris and they introduce themselves. ‘You feeling … OK?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ I snap.

  Chris puts one hand on my shoulder and one on Josh’s. Squeezes, slightly too tightly. ‘It’s good to finally meet you both.’ He grins. ‘And you guys are going to love me. Look what I’ve got for us.’ He carefully pulls a joint out of his wallet. ‘You want?’

  Fi squeals and kisses him on the cheek. Josh looks behind him, to where the bouncer was standing, but he’s no longer there – he’s half inside, arguing with some kid who looks about twelve trying to get into the club. He pats Chris on the shoulder. ‘Nice one!’ he says. ‘Let’s go round the corner.’

  I frown at Josh. Since when has he been into smoking weed? Is this Fi’s influence too? Did they maybe even smoke together that last time they went drinking without me? But I don’t want to look like the only uncool one so I quickly smile instead and try to look enthusiastic. But drugs are really not something I want to do – not after … everything.

  Tonight’s already feeling overwhelming and we’re not even in the club yet.

  ‘Isn’t there somewhere nicer than Club 22?’ I whisper to Fi as we make our way round the corner.

  ‘Whaaaat? No! Don’t worry, you’re going to love it,’ Fi says, her arm round my shoulders. ‘It’s the best! SO much fun! And, by the way, you look ah-may-zing!’

  I feel briefly reassured, lifted even, but the alleyway we’re now in is even seedier than the one before. Bits of rubbish – empty crisp packets and beer cans, cigarette butts, a dirty nappy – are strewn on the ground. It’s starting to get really dark. I get away from Fi and hold on to Josh’s arm. We all huddle in close, against the wall, as Chris lights the spliff. He takes a couple of drags and passes it to Josh. ‘Mind out, it’s good stuff,’ he says.

  ‘Yes, mate,’ Josh says, grinning.

  Whether I like it or not, I’m going to stink of this stuff, and I’m going to breathe some in. There’s nothing I can do about it. Although I guess I don’t need to worry about that with Mum and Dad at the hospital. Raheela probably doesn’t even know what weed smells like.

  I wonder how Mum’s doing, and quite a big part of me wishes I’d gone to the hospital after school. I want to see for myself that she’s OK. I’d rather be there than in this alleyway.

  But Mum’s having a baby. The baby is coming.

  Josh takes a few drags and then passes it to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to look stupid – I just want to fit in. I don’t want Fi to be the cool one and me to be uncool.

  I feel like I’m thirteen again, and the only one who isn’t allowed to go on the school trip to France. Only I’m not thirteen and there’s nothing stopping me from fitting in now … I think of my brother. I know he’d have some.

  ‘Have a bit,’ Chris says. ‘It’ll relax you.’

  Fi frowns at him and for a moment I think she’s going to stop me. She doesn’t want me to relax! She doesn’t want me to have a good time.

  I take it. I watch my fingers carefully pinch the end, and I’m so pleased my hands aren’t shaking because everything’s vibrating like crazy inside me. It looks so small and harmless. Neat. Just a home-made cigarette.

  Akash smoked cigarettes. Jay said he smoked spliffs too. He probably still does. Where is he? Is he inside the club already?

  They’re all looking at me. I swallow.

  Just take a drag, Neena. Just one drag. It will relax you.

  I definitely need to relax. I take a drag. Inhale. It’s strong and stings my throat. I try not to cough. Instead, I blow out the smoke as slowly as I can. It comes out smoothly. I can’t believe how easy it is. I smile at Josh and wait to feel something. Nothing happens. Fi looks annoyed but doesn’t say anything. Her look urges me to have some more before I pass it to her.

  It’s weird, us all sharing it. Like we’re taking Holy Communion in church or something. All of us united. I think I like it.

  Josh puts his arms round my shoulders. He looks up at the sky and sighs. I lean into him and follow his gaze.

  ‘They really are beautiful, aren’t they?’ I whisper, pressing my head against his chest as we peer at the bright stars. I can hear his heart beating and, for a moment, everything is just perfect. His arms are warm round me. It’s like we’re alone.

  ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘They are. I wish I had my telescope.’

  I close my eyes. Breathe in Josh’s soapy smell. But the moment doesn’t last.

  ‘We should get going soon,’ Fi says, her voice too loud, too demanding.

  I glare at her. She obviously didn’t like me and Josh getting close.

  Josh doesn’t notice. ‘Sure,’ he says. ‘My friend had a word with one of the bouncers so we should be fine getting in.’

  Fi clutches Chris’s arm as he hands Josh the spliff again. ‘Oh, don’t worry about that. Chris will get us in. He’s nineteen.’ She’s such a show-off. Look at how she’s poking out her boobs. Urgh. I can’t believe Akash ever liked her. I can’t believe I ever trusted her.

  ‘Just be cool, guys,’ Chris says, stretching. His muscly arms flex and relax. He yawns. ‘It’s no biggie.’

  Suddenly my focus is no longer on Fi. I’m thinking about the club. My stomach flips. It’s easy for Chris to be cool about it all: he’s legal. I glance at Josh. What happens if we get caught underage drinking? What if someone catches us right now, smoking DRUGS!

  ‘Of course, yeah, no biggie,’ Josh says, passing me the spliff again. I take some more quickly, before someone sees. I really do need to relax! Everyone is relaxed apart from me. Still nothing happens. I must be immune to it. I take one more drag, inhaling extra deep this time. I feel a bit sick but that’s about it.

  ‘Hey, leave some for me!’ Fi says, stealing it from my hand. She shows off again as she blows the smoke out in perfect rings.

  ‘Like a piece of art,’ I think I hear my brother whisper. My eyes dart from side to side, peering through the darkness. But I still can’t see him. Did I imagine it?

  ‘How do you do that?’ Josh asks, gazing at Fi.

  I put my arm round him tightly. She shrugs and passes the joint back to Chris. ‘Don’t know really. Just sort of do it.’

  She doesn’t mention that Akash taught her. Instead, she flicks her hair. She’s flirting now, not just showing off. I need to be extra careful.

  ‘Let’s go to the club,’ I say, wanting to get out of this stinky alleyway and away from Fi.

  Chris chucks the end bit of the spliff on to the ground. Stubs it out, grinding it down with his beige suede shoe.

  ‘Yeah, let’s get out of here before someone sees us,’ Josh says, looking down the alleyway.

  Before Mum and Dad catch me, I think, suddenly worried that they’re somehow watching me. They’re always watching!

  A familiar, strong, metallic taste fills my mouth. My skin prickles all over.

  ‘Yeah,’ Chris says, clapping his hands together. ‘Club 22, here we come!’

  All I can taste is metal.

  Blood. It tastes like blood. I swallow and swallow but can’t get rid of the taste.

  My skin is prickling all over and I wonder if anyone else can see it twitching. But no one says anything.

  Josh grabs my hand. Holds it tight. This makes me feel better as we follow Chris and Fi through the arched doorway of the club into a dimly lit passage. ‘Don’t look so worried,’ Josh whispers, squeezing my hand.

  I smile at him nervously. We walk past the bouncer and Josh buries his face in my hair; he kisses my neck. As I turn into him, I realize his hair smells of sharp lemons. It’s a new smell. A brand-new shower gel? I laugh as his lips tickle my neck.

  But, as soon as he stops, the cool air inside the club makes me shiver. I wish I had a coat. I glance at Fi, wondering how she isn’t cold in her tiny silver dress.

  Has she done something to mi
ne? Something to make me extra cold? To make me look stupid or even want to go home? I’m not going home. I’m staying with Josh.

  Mum’s having a baby. I will have a brother.

  Where’s Akash?

  At the desk, a woman with long black hair and a tattoo of a purple flower on her arm is flicking through a magazine. She peers up at us. Fi props her elbows on the desk. So relaxed. Showing off again. Chris does the same. They deserve each other. Josh and I stand behind them and their perfume and aftershave are so strong together that it makes me cough and cough.

  ‘You OK?’ Josh asks, rubbing my back.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘It’s just all the smells.’

  Josh frowns, sort of shakes his head and looks at the woman again.

  ‘All right?’ Chris says to her. ‘Busy tonight? There are four of us, please.’

  The woman looks Fi up and down and then peers round her, at Josh and me. I shiver even more. I just want to get in now, before someone sees us.

  ‘Which way are the toilets?’ Fi asks, twirling a strand of hair round her finger. ‘Can I use them?’ She exaggeratedly crosses her legs. ‘I’m dying here.’

  ‘That way,’ the woman says, pointing down a passage decorated with fairy lights. ‘OK,’ she says, looking back at Chris. ‘You’re in.’

  I rummage in my bag for some money. ‘I’ll get this,’ Josh says, pulling out his wallet.

  But Chris waves it away. ‘I’ve got this, guys,’ he says, handing over a few notes. ‘Buy me a drink later.’

  ‘Cheers,’ the woman says, taking the money. She turns back to her magazine and that’s it. We’re in!

  It’s suddenly warm. I stop shivering. There must be weird air conditioning in here. Music vibrates through the soles of my feet as we make our way down the steps to the basement. The club is dark and loud. It smells of stale smoke and sweat, mingled with perfume, aftershave and beer. There’s a bar to the left-hand side and a huge dance floor in the middle.

  Fi squeals and lifts my hands in the air. ‘Drinks! Dance!’ she shouts. ‘How amazing is this? I can’t believe you’re out with us! IN A CLUB!’