by Lucy English
What would he say when he spoke again? What would his first words be? “I’m scared”? Or “This oatmeal is cold”?
It seemed to me that if you got used to managing emotions without sharing them, then the more practical issues would be the ones needing expression the most. “I want garlicky eggplant!”
I found that not talking predisposed me toward keeping my surroundings quiet. I hadn’t turned on any music in the apartment or kept the TV on or anything. Did Legend listen to music often? I’d texted Desiree to find out what he listened to and she listed some contemporary hip-hop artists. I decided to pull up some hip hop from the 2010s and listen.
I liked the music a lot but didn’t listen for long because I was stir-crazy. I decided to go for a run.
I put on my headphones but didn’t listen to music or my running app. I just wanted the extra protection from the world that the headset provided. I didn’t have a route planned, I just figured I’d run until I had to walk, and walk until I was able to run.
My feet took me toward Legend’s neighborhood. I slowed to a walk and lifted my eyes from the pavement in front of me where I was always scanning for tripping hazards. There in front of me on a big industrial metal garage door was the spray painted statement “This shit gotta stop.” I stood there for long moments, the humid air clinging to my arms. The back of my neck prickled. I knew who killed James.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“Desiree, I know you did it and I know why and I think I might have done the same thing.”
I’d broken my silence to confront Desiree Sunday afternoon. Legend was out with Gabe, and Martel was nowhere to be seen, so we were able to talk in private, sitting at the table in her sweltering apartment. I watched her pretty round face change from obstinacy to confusion.
“I didn’t do anything.” Her eyes were big with feigned innocence, and her new, even bigger false eyelashes enhanced the effect.
“Yeah, you did. We need to talk about it.”
“Nothing to talk about.”
“Yes there is, because the detectives are going to figure it out and Legend still isn’t talking and something has to give.”
“It’s not good that he’s not talkin’.” Her gaze went to the floor and her eyelashes folded like bird wings.
“No, it isn’t. It’s because he can’t say what happened and he’s afraid because it’s on his mind all the time and he doesn’t want anything else bad to happen and he loves you and wants to protect you, so he’s safer if he just doesn’t speak at all. He can’t do this forever.”
“What do you want me to say? I have to protect us.”
“Killing James was a mistake. I get why it made sense at the time, but it’s a pretty bad complication.”
“I didn’t kill James. Tell that detective you’re sorry.” She got up and went to the kitchen sink and filled a glass of water.
“He doesn’t even know I’m here,” I said. “Please help me figure this out, Desiree. A sentence for drugs is one thing, but murder?”
“Self-defense. Child-defense at least.”
“I know.”
“The piece-of-shit public defender ain’t gonna help.”
“I know.”
We stared at each other for a while.
“I need to tell Legend that I know what happened. This is too much for him to carry alone and it’s hurting him. We need to get him talking.”
“You can tell him you know. He won’t spill it.”
“No. He won’t. And I won’t either, but we have to figure something out.”
When I got back to my apartment, I called Toryn to ask how I could get the very best public defender for someone if I happened to need to do that at some point. Toryn worked as an administrative assistant at the DA’s office, and he knew the system inside and out.
“What did you do, Penny?”
“You know I didn’t do anything. But I need to know.”
“Tell me why.”
“I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t even though I know I could because you’re you. I feel like I should keep my promise as long as I can.”
“Okay. I won’t challenge your moral fortitude. If you need the very best public defender, you call me. You tell me what the case is and I go behind the scenes into the maze of the legal process and I tug on strings and call in favors.”
“Oh, thank you, Toryn! I hope it doesn’t come to that but I’ll really, really appreciate your help if it does.”
Desiree had agreed that I could take Legend out for pizza that evening, so I walked back over to the apartment and we walked together a few blocks to a small, run-down, fluorescent-lit pizza joint. The smell of dough and the feel of grease hung in the air.
While we waited for our pizza Legend sipped his soda and fiddled with a table tent advertising breadsticks and churros. It was early and the tables near us were empty.
“It’s so good to see you,” I started. “You know, I didn’t talk most of the weekend because I wanted to see what it would be like. I liked it in some ways, but not in others. I bet you sort of want to talk sometimes, like even just to say what you want to eat or whatever. Do you?”
He nodded.
“Do you feel like you can’t talk because of your secret?”
He stared impassively at my face and fiddled with his straw wrapper.
“I know what happened, Legend. I know who shot James and I understand why.”
His eyes grew big.
“Desiree and I already talked so she knows I know. I’m going to do everything I can to help get you two through this, but it has to be dealt with because the police will figure it out.”
He shook his head and looked at me pleadingly.
We were interrupted by the arrival of our pizza. I put a slice on Legend’s plate but he didn’t touch it. I ate some and waited. When I finished my slice I got up and went to the counter and got a box and a to-go cup for Legend’s soda. I boxed the pizza and we walked back to the apartment.
Inside, I put the pizza on the table and explained to Desiree that Legend had lost his appetite.
“Can we all talk a little?” I asked, and sat in a chair at the table. I motioned to Legend to sit and slid the pizza box over, hoping he’d eat. I realized I was turning into an Italian mother, thinking he’d starve if he missed dinner.
Legend and Desiree both sat. Desiree was drinking a beer, which she slid from hand to hand on the table.
“I did some research earlier today,” I said. “There’s a category of homicide called ‘justifiable homicide.’ It’s when you kill someone to prevent them from committing a crime.”
Both Desiree and Legend nodded.
“We need to get a really good lawyer for you, and I know how to do that. You’ll tell the lawyer exactly what happened. There are a lot of details that matter, like whether you had time to call the police but chose not to. Did you call the police?”
“Hell no. They don’t come.” She finished her beer and stepped into the kitchen for another one. She sat back down and started in. “I don’t think they gonna let a black woman go free for shooting a white man, even if he was a drug dealing piece of shit. I need to find a different way to get safe. The system don’t work well for a black woman like me.”
I swallowed hard and thought about how little I knew about what it was like to be her. I looked at Legend. He was watching Desiree intently. She rose and began collecting things onto the table—a backpack, some shoes, ramen noodles, water bottles.
“No. Desiree, you can’t take off.” I was sweating and hives were breaking out all over my chest and up my neck. Why was her apartment always so damn hot? Legend looked worried and stood but didn’t seem to know what to do from there.
“Nobody knows, Desiree. They aren’t going to figure it out tonight. Give me twenty-four hours to come up with a good plan and then you can reevaluate, okay?”
She was opening and closing drawers in the kitchen. She spun around to look at me. Hands on hips, she started to yell.
; “You don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes. You don’t know what it’s like to raise a black boy. You don’t know what it’s like to be poor and in danger all the time.”
I nodded. She was right.
“I can’t be in more danger than I am now. I can’t be poorer.”
“But you have a home here and family and Legend has his school. Don’t give that up if you don’t have to! Running won’t make you safer. You’ll just have to keep moving to stay hidden and it’ll be awful. It might be better to stay and face what you have to face, which might not be that bad! What if all you get is house arrest for a while? Or a month in jail? Then it would be over—nothing more to worry about—dues paid, clean slate and all.”
“Clean slate? I’ll never get another job with this shit on my record!” Her eyelashes were flapping like they would fly away.
“Well, you can’t keep a job if you’re on the run and it would be horrible for Legend. You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like. I’m not making the decisions here though—you are. I’m just trying to listen to you and give you options. Will you trust me enough to stay for twenty-four hours so I can try to give you some choices? Ultimately you decide. I know that.”
“Why you wanna help us so bad? Gabe say you buddies with that narc. That true?”
“Not buddies, no, I wouldn’t say that. But I do have to deal with him at work because he’s leading the investigation.”
“So you obliged to tell him.”
“I don’t think I am. At least not yet. If I am then I’m about to break a big rule. I won’t tell. It’s a total secret at least for a while. If I have to tell I will let you know first.”
Legend was scowling in my direction. I felt like a sell-out, a fake, a traitor.
“Please. Twenty-four hours. If anything happens that could make things worse I’ll tell you immediately, but it won’t because nobody knows.”
“Twenty-four hours,” she said, and collapsed on the couch.
Legend sat down next to her and leaned his head against her arm.
I let myself out.
Back at my apartment Gloria was on the couch watching nonsense on TV. I said hi and went straight to my room to think. It had occurred to me on my walk home that Conner was full-speed after Tasha and I’d been too freaked out since I realized Desiree killed James to worry about that. I had to stop Conner without telling him why. Or, another option would be to let Conner arrest Tasha. She was probably dealing drugs so she deserved some time with the justice system, and Desiree could go free and take care of Legend!
I sat with that idea for a little while and my gut tightened more and more until I had a full-blown cramp. That plan was clearly no good. I needed help. When I need help I go to Toryn and Gloria. Did I say I wouldn’t tell anyone? I did, but my job was to find a way to help Desiree and I had to do it the best way I knew how because the risk of failure was already high.
I texted Toryn and asked him to come over. Then I went out to the living room and told Gloria he was coming.
“I can order some food,” I said.
“Pizza?” Gloria said, sitting up a little.
My stomach roiled, and I said, “Sure, pizza.” As awful as it sounded, I reasoned that it would be way better than what tasted like ketchup and cheese fused to a paper plate that Legend and I had at the joint near Desiree’s apartment.
Toryn and the pizza arrived at the same time. I busied myself pouring wine and dishing out slices while Gloria and Toryn greeted and taunted each other, because that’s what they do. And of course their taunting eventually turns to me.
“So, you should be saying,” Toryn said, “why you’ve gathered us here today. I can see from the deep vertical lines on your face that it’s more than a spontaneous pizza party.”
I chugged half of my glass of wine.
“Yes.”
I waited for the rest to come out of my mouth but found I was suffering spontaneous selective mutism.
Gloria and Toryn stared at me and waited.
I swallowed hard, sat, then stood and began to pace. It was almost dark out and the lights in the living room reflected off the windows along with the image of the three of us. I walked to the window to see the deep vertical lines on my face but of course as I got close my image faded and I was looking down at the alley and the street. The sidewalk was still relatively busy with people going out to dinner, joggers getting in their run after work, and the late working crowd headed home.
“Penny?” Gloria sounded a little concerned. That made me concerned for myself because Gloria generally doesn’t get concerned.
“I’m okay.” My voice was unsteady but I took deep breaths and returned to the table and sat with a piece of pizza and my wine. “I need help. It’s about Legend and Desiree.” I looked at my wine, then my pizza. I drank some wine. More words weren’t coming. They were staring at me and I thought about how when you’re not talking at all, nobody stares expectantly at you waiting for the next thing you say. I’d liked that. But if I was going to get help I would have to talk. “And Conner and Tasha and, well, everyone.”
“You aren’t making much progress telling us,” Toryn said.
“Right. Okay. Um, I know who killed James, and Conner thinks it was Tasha but it wasn’t and he’s going to arrest and charge her and I can’t let him do that but I can’t tell him why not because I can’t tell him who did kill James because that part is really, um, a problem.” I gulped air.
“I think you have to tell us if we’re gonna be able to help,” Gloria said.
“Is this why you asked about a public defender?” Toryn asked.
“It is.” I looked from Toryn to Gloria. “Desiree killed James. She was protecting Legend. James abused him. I’m not sure the extent of the abuse or if it was sexual or not, but there are signs suggesting it may have been and it kind of doesn’t matter for this part, even though it will matter for his therapy, but right now that doesn’t matter because what matters is that Desiree did it to protect him and he needs her and she’s a good person and she’s all he’s got and we can’t let her go to prison for murder.” The second big spill left me short of breath again so I stopped there.
Gloria and Toryn were just staring at me. Gloria’s pizza was suspended halfway to her mouth. Toryn reached toward me. I took his hand.
“What else do you know about the circumstances?” he asked.
“Not a lot. I barely got Desiree to acknowledge that I was right and now she wants to take Legend and run. I couldn’t grill her. I know that she didn’t try to call the police at any point.”
“Of course not,” they said in unison. But it was so serious that they didn’t even jinx and punch each other.
“Was James trying to hurt Desiree or Legend at the time?”
“I don’t know. They were outside when the shots were fired. Desiree must not be a good shot. Poor Legend got in the way somehow or she shot wild.”
“We can thank his guardian angels that he wasn’t badly hurt,” Gloria said.
“Whose gun was it?” Toryn asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Had she ever reported James for abusing Legend?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Is there any evidence of abuse—a doctor’s record of a trauma or anything?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is Legend talking?”
“No.”
Toryn put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. “Shit.” He rumpled his hair a bit then looked up. “Look,” he said, “the only thing we can do is figure out how to get Desiree off as easy as possible. I may be a lowly admin, but I’ve learned a thing or two. More importantly, I have connections. I can find out what will help her make the case that it was justifiable. That’s the best thing we can hope for—justifiable homicide.”
Gloria spoke up. “If I were her I’d want to take Legend and run. I’d take him to Mexico.”
“You have family in Mexico. She doesn’t.”
&nbs
p; “My family would help her.”
“That’s so nice! And such a bad idea! She needs to stay here where she has an apartment and school for Legend and her brother and us.”
“Not if she’s going to prison.”
“That’s what we have to figure out,” Toryn said. “We have to be able to help them. I’ll work as fast as I can to figure out the answers to our questions.”
It wasn’t a satisfying solution, but I trusted Toryn completely. Unfortunately, we still had a related issue to solve.
“What about Tasha? How do I stop Conner?”
“Maybe I could keep him distracted for a few days.” Gloria smiled and twisted a strand of hair.
“Is he hot?” Toryn asked.
Gloria said “Totally,” at the same time I said “Utterly.”
“But that isn’t the issue,” I said. “How do I really stop him without telling him?”
“Or do you warn Tasha to go missing for a little while?” Gloria suggested.
“I don’t think that would be really, uh, good for my career in the long term—you know, interfering with the police? And besides, she would never listen to me. Reference ‘bitch fight.’”
“Oh yeah,” Gloria said and Toryn nodded solemnly. Gloria had, of course, filled him in on the details of my scuffly misunderstanding with Tasha. I noted that the corners of his mouth looked more like a snicker, but the heavy nod was supposed to cover for it.
“We’re gonna have to think on this one,” Toryn said. “The wheels of justice move slowly. That’s in our favor this time.”
