The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers

by Terry Aspinall

  Chapter 6

  THE

  WEDDING FROM HELL

  Over breakfast in the Last Crumb café, most of the band members were talking about the bags horse poo that had finally been removed from the van and found a new home, so that it could be purged of its terrible sickening smell.

  While Bluey was pretending to make out with Sofia the young waitress behind the counter, by giving her a lot of small talk, about how beautiful she was. However, she was constantly inventing excuses as to why she could not see him, knowing full well that he was just stringing her along. The main one being that she was very tired because she had to work seven days a week. Strewth, said Bluey that’s no good for a young girl like you. She went on to add that even God had only worked for six days of the week, as he took a well earned rest on the seventh. Bluey jumped back in, to tell her that on the eighth he had invented the bagpipes, although he had always wondered why.

  Sofia knew that he was just teasing her, to pass away the time of day. Therefore, she told him politely that if he wished to ride the train, then first he had to blow the whistle. Bluey laughed realising that she was catching him out at his own game of making fun of people. Now that’s not very nice, of course I would like to board your train. I would be even happier if I managed to work out your launch code, and then I would be able sweep you up and off your feet, as they say. She laughed, Yeah, you and whose army, she taunted. It was then that Bluey suddenly started to realise that she was not interested in his advances. The seeds of her rejection that had been planted inside his head finally started the alarm bells ringing for him.

  He could not help himself when she revealed to him that she was going to have plastic surgery work carried out on her nose to help reduce it’s size. Bluey was quick to quip that it might work out a little cheaper for her, if she were to just widen her face instead. That remark finally brought to an end any interest that she might have had towards him. Bluey further alienated himself from her when he mentioned that if she wanted to double her wardrobe she should marry a transvestite.

  Knowing that he had burnt his bridge, he returned to the table, to sit with his friends and to join in with their conversation. Only to be ribbed by Nicky about his unsuccessful attempts to pick up Sofia. All Bluey could answer him with, was to say, do you remember when safe sex meant getting you pants back on before her parents got home. Yeah I can also remember the time when most women used us men to time a soft-boiled egg, Nicky laughed. Bluey added to that one, that one of his girl old friends had once told him that he was a lousy lover, to which he had asked her how the hell could she make a judgement like that in only ninety seconds.

  Then Terry stunned them all when he asked if they knew the difference between a wife and a mistress. Because nobody answered, he carried on to say that the wife has a real orgasm and fake jewellery. The conversation came to an abrupt standstill as they where all stunned into silence. Although all at the table had to admit that, it was one of his best little gems to date.

  Bluey suddenly remember a little trick that he had intended playing on Sofia and told everybody to watch this. From his pocket, he removed a little plastic bag that contained a couple of small pieces of sliced up carrot. He then walked over to the fish tank that was positioned by the counter. Once in position he asked Sofia how long his meal was going to be as he was very hungry and could not wait much longer. Before she had time to answer, he slid the lid back on the fish tank and started swirling his hand around in the water as if he was trying to catch one of the many gold fish that were by now swimming on the bottom of the tank. Suddenly he lifted his hand out with one of the little pieces of carrot between his fingers. Which he was wiggling around so that it looked like a fish, that was trying to get back into the tank, however this wiggling also hid from Sofia’s view that it was in fact a piece of carrot. She then watched in horror as he lay his head back, opened his mouth and dropped the so call gold fish in his mouth and swallowed it. Sofia was horrified and started shouting at him to stop what he was doing. As she grabbed a tea towel and started hitting him with it, by this time the band members were all laughing out loud. Nicky shouted over, that it would teach her to keep them waiting in future. With out an explanation Bluey returned to the table and carried on as if nothing had happened.

  To change the subject Bluey became interested as to where Ruhti was and what was he doing. Nicky informed him that he was installing some speakers in the van, so that they could listen to some music as they drove to the gigs.

  Just then, Ruhti entered the café, closely followed by their agent who took a seat next to Bluey. Whose first question to him was to ask if he’d found another band to play for the little old ladies of Anarla. However, he need not have worried because it had all been sorted out leaving the boys free to play at the Boondall Entertainment Centre.

  After another cup of tea and a few jokes later Bluey ordered them all into the van so that they could head off to the council depot. To report to Harry and receive their daily orders so he could work out who were going to be the lucky people to be working that miserable cold day. Unfortunately, it started to rain very heavy and looked like it was set in for the morning. Therefore, it was of no surprise that Harry told them that they could call it a day and go home. There was no way he was going to pay them for sitting under cover from the wet; they could go home and shelter in their own time.

  Once back home, Bluey announced that for a change, Claudie and Terry could take the van and pick up a few packages from Stones Corner and the sex shop. To day, they could have it easy instead of picking up rubbish. As they drove off Bluey could not help himself remarking to Nicky that it was time that they took a rest, so that the others could see how hard it was working the courier round, because he had a suspicion that there were a few floor tiles to delivered to a couple of high rises that day.

  However, Bluey for once had been wrong, as there were no tiles; Betont had given that job to somebody else. Instead, Claudie and Terry only picked up a couple of boxes of small packages, just like they had from the sex shop. Then it was time to work out a route so that they did not have to keep doubling back on them selves, after which they headed for the first drop. It all seemed too easy for them; they could not believe their luck at having finally received a cushy number. Terry was driving while Claudie was map reading and delivering the parcels. At the rate, they were progressing around the city they were going to be finished by midday, so they could head home and pick up the gear for the evenings booking.

  Just like Bluey had told them, they parked the vehicle around the corner the premises whenever they delivered a package from the sex shop. However, when they delivered a normal one they parked as close to the address as possible.

  At one of the sex drops, just as Claudie was returning to the van half a street away from the address, an old guy waving the package at him, called him from behind. Claudie waited for him to catch up to find out what was wrong. The old man started complaining that they had delivered the wrong package, that it was not what he had ordered. Claudie took a look inside to be confronted by a blow up doll. He then looked at the invoice that was also inside, reading the words one plastic blow up doll. No it’s all there mate, look it says one doll and you have got one doll. Yeah the old man said but I ordered the one with the real hair. Claudie was caught off guard wondering what to do or say next. Finally, he told the old man that it was not their problem; he would have to take it back to the shop were he bought it from and get it changed. Claudie went on to tell him that they were only the couriers.

  15 minutes later and Terry pulled up in front of a house where they were to deliver a normal package, and Claudie jumped out, ran up to the front door, and rang the bell. A very pretty young woman opened the door as Claudie announced that he had a parcel for her. As she reached out to take it off him she could not help looking up at the van and reading the words in large bold letters along its side, “The Acme Sexual Aids Company”. She just blew her top shouting at Claudie that she had n
ot ordered any such product from his company, and that if he didn’t move his van as quickly as possible she would call the police. Not realising what he was saying Claudie suggested that perhaps it was for her husband. That did it she just thrust the package back into his hand and slammed the door shut in his face. As he made his way back to the van, he could not help wondering what was wrong with the woman. It did not occur to him that people might be embarrassed with the sign on the side of the van. To Claudie it was all very innocent; it was just the name of the business.

  The same thing happened at another address when a little old lady chased him from her premises with a broom, when he told her he had a small package for her husband. Claudie just dropped the package in front of her and high tailed it back to the van, where he told Terry that he did not go much on the job, it wasn’t very physical but it sure as hell was dangerous. On another drop, they got two off the parcels mixed up delivering a load of porn magazines to a magistrate, and an affidavit to a girl street worker in the valley.

  When they finally arrived back at the house, both had decided that it was safer picking up rubbish from the sides of the road, and told Bluey that that was the last time they wanted to work in the courier business. Leaving Bluey and Nicky both scratching their heads as to what the problem was. Although he had a little idea that it might have been to physical for them, lugging all those tiles up the high rise buildings.

  However, what Bluey was more interested in was that while they were away he had gone through the kitchen cleaning it up. He had come across two large boxes of canned food that did not have any labels on them. As it was Terry who usual did the shopping for them, Bluey wanted to know why he had removed all the labels. With a smile on his face, Terry, who thinking he was going to be credited with doing a good deal for them. Went on to tell him that he had found this good offer at the El Chepo food store that was selling off very cheap tins of food. They had been involved in a fire somewhere, and so were only a third of the normal price. Bluey scratched his head, and then asked how the hell were they going to know what was inside of the tins. Don’t tell me he added, it's like a lottery, it’s a guess what we have for tea tonight competition. Yeah ready cooked Nicky added with a laugh. That’s why we have had treacle pudding on the menu for the last five nights this week, Ruhti added. I wouldn’t mind betting that all the rest of them are also treacle pudding, and there’s enough there to keep us going for a month.

  With that, Bluey ordered them to load all of the gear in the van, as it was about time they got onto the road, before they were late for the booking.

  Ruhti decided to turn on the new stereo system that he had earlier installed in the van. Everybody within the van were suddenly jolted from the quietness that they had all been used to, as they were introduced to a very loud rendition of Wagner’s Waltz of the Vakries blaring out at a deafening volume. Not only were they surprised to hear the loud music, but that it seemed to be coming from outside of the van. Strewth, Bluey declared what the hell is going on. With a smile on his face, Ruhti told him that he had installed a couple of speakers so that they could enjoy the sweet sounds of music. Yeah but at least you could have installed them on the inside of the van, what the hell were you thinking about.

  I only copied what the soldiers did in that film “Apocalypse Now” when they fixed theirs to the out side of a helicopter. Yeah but they were going into battle, it was a way of getting the adrenalin flowing as they went into action, while at the same time hoping to scare away the enemy. Well maybe it will work for us as we are going to a war zone aren’t we, Ruhti replied. Bluey had to accept that there was a similarity as they were going to a wedding reception, and that most families rarely like other the families, who their off springs were marrying into.

  Realising that the public was staring at them as they drove by, Bluey started poking around behind the radio in the dash, in an effort to find the wires to the speaker, before the police stopped them. However, he was not successful and so he just turned the radio off, hoping to deal with the problem at a later date.

  Suddenly the van swerved as Ruhti tried his hardest to miss a small possum that was lying in the road. After pulling over to the hard shoulder, he jumped out and ran back to pick it up before another vehicle hit it. By this time, Bluey had realised what was happening and jumped out to join him. Ruhti picked it up and made his way to the side of the road to be joined by Bluey, as he told him that it was still alive although it did not seem to have any cuts or bruises. Blueys first question was to ask what the hell he was going to do with it, as they did not have time to take it to an RSPCA centre. Bluey opened the back of the van so that the others could see what was going on. With out warning Ruhti leaned inside and placed it on Nicky’s lap, telling him to look after it for him, and then closed the door before he had time to answer back.

  They then got back into the van and drove off at high speed to get to the booking. Bluey could not resist turning around and cracking a few jokes at Nicky’s expense, who by this time was feeling a little uncomfortable nursing the hairy little rodent on his lap.

  A couple of kilometres up the road and it started to move, sending the alarm bells ringing for Nicky, who wasted no time in passing it on to Terry and placing it in his lap with out asking him if he wanted it. Terry’s first mistake was to grab hold of it very tightly just as it came round. It must have been shocked into realise what was going on and immediately started struggling. The more it struggled the tighter Terry tried to hold onto it. The safes thing he should have done was to let it go, unfortunately he choose to hang onto it as the struggling became worse. By now, he was holding it out in front of him at arms length, to keep it away from his face. While it attempted to get free from his clutches by shaking his hands to such an extent that it looked like he was holding a machine gun with his finger stuck on the trigger. It contorted its arms and legs into every conceivable angle, trying to ensure that its claws somehow came into contact with any bare flesh that it could find, with Terry’s wrists and backs of his hands being its main target. As the possum continued to claw at him, Terry could feel that it was drawing blood and that he had no option but to drop the thing, to prevent further damage to his hands. With that, it started racing around the back of the van at high speed creating carnage. It was so stressed out and frightened as to what had happened to it, and to what sort of future it had, if indeed it had a future, that it was pooing all over the place. Nicky was the first to start complaining about the smell, as it gradually spread throughout the van. The possum was going crazy and it did not take long for all of them to realise that they had to get it out of the van before it hurt somebody else. After all, most of them need their hands and fingers to play their musical instruments. The last thing they need was for one of them to loose a finger, to this beast. Because it was dark in the back of the van, they still did not know how bad Terry had been mauled by the flying rodent as Bluey called it.

  Once again, Ruhti pulled the van over to the side of the road, and Bluey went to the back to open the door. The sight of daylight streaming in must have told the possum that this would be his only chance of escape and it made a flying leap to freedom flying past Blueys right shoulder at a fast pace of knots. All he could do was to duck hoping its claws would not make contact with his face. As he turned to see where it was going, he spied its tail disappearing in to the bushes behind him. At least it was gone, thinking that maybe now they could continue the drive to the booking.

  How wrong he was because as he turned to look back into the van, it resembled a tornado strike. There was gear all over the place, and bodies contorted into every conceivable position. While all around them were little heaps of possum poo, scattered all over the gear, so that once again the van smelt to high heaven of poo, only this time it was not in bags.

  Terry was waving his hands trying to show Bluey that he had been badly wounded by the damn thing, and wanted to get out of the van to stretch his legs and survey the damage to his hands.

  Unfor
tunately, as he was climbing out of the van he fell on to the road, and twisted his ankle badly. He then went down and ending up in an untidy heap on the ground, while crying out in pain. Leaving the other band members wondering why he was crying out was because of his hands that were badly bleeding or was it because of his ankle. Blueys first words were to tell him to stop crying like a little baby. That it was just a flesh wound and that more than likely once the blood was all washed off it more than likely would reveal just a small scratch. Nicky’s contribution was to ascertain as to whether it was the “Box Tops” who had taken the song “Cry like a baby” to the top of the hit paraded. Trying no to laugh Bluey got an old piece of rag from the front of the vehicle and so he could wipe Terry’s hand. However, it was a little worse that he had first though, as it revealed several long deep scratches to the backs of his hands. As if that was not bad enough, when he tried to stand up on the sprained ankle, he once again cried out in pain. Upon a close inspection, Bluey could see the ankle expanding in size as he watched it.

  While all this was going on, Nicky got out of the van and started to try and remove some of the possum poo, as Claudie just lay there watching him while taking another long puff of a roll up that was hanging from the corner of his mouth.

  Bluey bundled them all back in the van and ordered Ruhti to drive on, not wanting to be late for the booking, What ever was going to happen, would happen and there was nothing that he could do about it. Once they were at the booking, he would be able to work something out. However, it was Terry’s cries of pain as the van sped down the road had him a little worried.

  Once at the village hall Bluey went and found an old bucket out the back and filled it with water and told Terry to sit down and place his foot in the buck. He then ordered him to stay put while the other members of the band unloaded and set up the gear. While he would sort out who was in charge of the event.

  It turned out to be one of the caterers who were in the back kitchen preparing the meal for the event, while the wedding party where still at the church. He did not have much to say, only pointing to the stage, and telling him that they had a couple of hours to set it all up. Unfortunately, for Bluey, he was too early to get a drink, and so he joined in with the other members setting up the gear.

  Once all of the gear had been set up and a sound check carried out, that included Terry, who was by this time sitting on a high stool on stage with his guitar in his hands and his right foot in a bucket of cold water. It must have looked funny as the guests all started to arrive, so the band minus Terry made them selves scarce by going into a side room that was used as a bar. There they were to sit, drink and hopefully not get drunk, until it was time for them to play, while everybody else gorged themselves with goodies. Occasional one of them would take a fresh drink over to Terry who was still sat on the stage in full view of everybody, on his own but with a broad grin on his face. They would then return to the bar to give an update as to the condition of his foot that by that time had doubled in size and was looking as black as the ace of spades. At one time, he had wanted to join them in the bar, but Bluey convinced him that he had to stay where he was with his foot in the water so that the swelling would go down. Because the following day he had a big day ahead of him carting floor tiles around the high rise buildings in the city, and that for him it was going to be a long day, just pulling your leg Bluey added. Well I hope it aint my right one Terry replied, prompting Bluey to add that at least he still had a since of humour, and adding that somebody had to keep an eye on the gear. He went on tell him that you can never trust wedding guests; given half a chance they would walk off with the bucket he had his foot in, if they had the chance. He ended by adding, and that’s not ours to loose.

  It was seven o’clock in the evening by the time that the band took to the stage, to strike up the music. By this time, most of the guests were already well on the way to becoming completely drunk. It was also noticeable that the families had already organised then selves into to two completely separate groups that was common at these event. As one family was sitting down the right side of the hall and the other family was on the left hand side. The only two people sitting together in the hall were the Bride and Groom. Earlier Bluey had been pre-warned by a young fellow he had met in the toilets, as to the bad blood between the families.

  Apparently, they hated each other, and had been feuding amongst them selves for many years. Over that time the hostility’s had been so bad, that they even drank at different watering holes. Armed with this little bit of gossip Bluey knew that it was going to be a hard night to somehow try and bring them all together, and enjoy the evening.

  However, he must have been naive, because during the first bracket not one single person got up and danced. Then as the band took a break and a drink, they had to walk down the middle of the hall, with the opposing families lining the left and right walls. Terry conned Bluey into staying on stage to look after the gear, after having promised that he would send him some fresh cold water to top up the bucket. Nicky, said he felt like Doc Holiday walking through the OK Corral, between the Clampets and the Jepson’s, expecting that at any moment one of them would draw a gun and start shooting.

  While by the bar the only person who came over to talk to them was the Bride and Groom who had requested that they play at their wedding. They had been long time followers of the bands music. Bluey was scared to say anything about the tension they could all feel at the event, not wanting to upset and spoil their wedding memories. However, he did mention that he had not spoken to their parents, and wondered why they had not approached him. He was told not to take any notice and assured them that the music was going down well; and that most of the guests were enjoying it or so he thought.

  Bluey then handed the Groom a small package as a present from the band, although he had an ulterior motive, in wanting to promote the bands new sponsor. While at the same time trying to drum up some extra cash for the band, by way of commission that Ivor had promised him.

  As the band walked away, the young couple made there way to the side of the hall away of prying eyes, to unwrap their present. Once it was open they both laughed at what they saw, hastily hiding it in his pocket so that others did not know what it was. Bluey had wrapped up a small plastic vibrator inside of a catalogue of sexual play toys, along with his business card if they wanted to order through him.

  Back on stage, Bluey announced to all, that they hoped a few of the guests would dance to their music, adding that they were open to play any requests if they knew them. He turned to the band with a bewildered look on his face, because it seemed that nobody was listening to him. Instead of striking up the band, he decided to tell them a joke hoping that it would break the ice and give them all a laugh.

  He started telling them that a couple of weeks earlier the band had played a gig on a sheep station way out west, and that the owner had showed them around his property. The owner went on to tell them that they had come up with a new and quicker way to castrate the sheep. The guy went on to tell them that he would back himself up against a wall. He would then place a couple of house bricks down by his side on the ground. By this time, Bluey was going through the joke actually using his body to help describe and show what was happening. Then as a fellow worker backed a sheep up to him he would steady the sheep’s sack in front of him. Finally, he would pick up a house brick in each hand and would swiftly bring them together, ensuring that the sheep’s testicles ended up between the bricks, with a terrific BANG ! With that everybody in the audience jumped. Stewth, Bluey asked doesn’t that hurt. Only if you get your thumbs caught between the bricks the station owner replied.

  Not one single person in the hall laughed; instead, the band was treated to scowls, mumbles and moans, as most of the people turned their backs to them. Turning around to the band Bluey announced that it had gone down about as well as a pork chop at a Jewish wedding.

  Wasting no time he counted the band in to start up the music and was very surprised to see th
at the Bride and the Groom took to the floor, dancing in front of their respective families, as if to shame them into getting up to enjoy them selves. At least this way the Bride and Groom would have some nice memories of their special day.

  Halfway through the bracket and very old man with a winkled up face, that would have won him first place in a gurning competition, somehow managed to stagger onto the stage and started dancing to the music. Bluey recognised him as the grand father of the Bride. Then as the music progressed, the old man removed his jacket and tried to twirl it around his head trying to imitate John Travolta. However, as the jacket twirled around it took the old guy off balance and he almost fell off the stage.

  It was quite obvious that he was very drunk and out of his mind, and was wanting to make an exhibition of him self. At first, his relations let him be, as he was enjoying him self and not doing any harm. Then not realising what he was doing Bluey started to lar lar lar the tune of the Stripper through the microphone. The band was quick to pick up on his lead and within seconds, the whole band was playing the tune. Bluey recon that he must have been 80 if he was a day, and doing well for his age. Egging him on Nicky could not help himself from calling to him to, get em off.

  However, once he started removing his cloths the alarm bells started ring for the band and also his family. Because it only took a few minutes, but in that time, he managed to get down to, his under pants, exposing a very old, skinny and wrinkled chest, for all to see. Bluey turned to Nicky telling him that his ribs looked like a xylophone Nicky recon that he looked like a matchstick man, and that he had seen more meat on a sparrows kneecap.

  By now, both families were horrified by his performance although none of them knew what to do next. However, it gave the Grooms family more ammunition to slag the bride’s family with. By saying that I told you that family were no good for our son and that they would drag us into the gutter with them, although his own family were very embarrassed at the ugly sight that greet them on the stage.

  By this time, the old man was preparing to remove his under pants, and a few looks of horror were starting to appear on the faces of the female sex from both families. However, it did not cross Blueys mind to stop playing, he was enjoying the incident hoping that it might break the ice. One of the young boys of the old mans family suddenly jumped up on the stage, in an effort to stop him. Although the old man wanted none of it, he had made up his mind that he was going to go the whole hog if he could. It seemed to be his way of trying to liven up the night.

  The atmosphere started to change when a few of the old mans young members of the family, wanted him to go further, to them it was just a good laugh to liven up the nights entertainment. However, it was the drink that was talking by this time, as they started shouting to him get em off. As if to add fuel to the fire, members of the rival family, all started shouting to him to put em on.

  Bluey decided it was time to stop the music and to get him off stage before he got hurt. The young boy lifted the old man up in his arms as if he were a rag doll, as Bluey dumped all of his clothes on top of the boy’s package, as he walked him off the stage. By now half the guests laughed while the other half clapped as the exhibition had finally come to and end. Unfortunately, Bluey added a little fire to the incident, when referring to his exposed ribs, he announced to the crowd that all he needed was a good ironing, and that once they had smoothed out a few of the jaggered edges with a piece of sand paper, he would be okay.

  You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, so Bluey launched the band into a very heavy, loud, fast number hoping to drown out any chance that the guests had of talking to each other and arguing about the incident. To give the married couple credit, they got back on the floor still hoping to get the respective families dancing. Although it was all a waste of time as they remained the only couple to swirl around in front of the band.

  Just then, the Brides mother who was sitting at the official meal table found a small package hid under her new son in-laws jacket that was laid on his chair. Being the nosey person that she was, she could not resist taking a peek inside. However, what she found was alien to her, as she did not have clue what it was. Then as she started handling it to try and work out exactly what it was, she accidentally switched it on. Being a very cheap plastic one, the motor inside was very loud and within seconds, everybody was staring at her, as it whirred away. She had turned it on by accident so it was a safe bet that she was not going to be able to switch it off. Instead, she choose to drop it, and it started to rattle its way along the hard wooden floor towards the middle of the dance floor.

  The noise it was making attracted everybody in the hall on her side of the room to walk over to find out what was going on, further embarrassing the woman. Most of those who ended up around her knew exactly what it was, and all started laughing. Finally, her husband rushed over, picked it up, and switched it off. He then leaned over and whispered in her ear what it was, causing her to storm out of the hall, as everybody cat called and wolf whistled her exit. Bluey could not help himself as he remarked that it had been the highlight of the evening so far, embarrassing her family further by asking if it was hers.

  As they finished another song a very big and well build, drunken guy approached the stage to ask if he could sing a song. Bluey was quick to tell him that when they wanted to empty the hall, the bar man would shout, “Time gentlemen please”. The guy took offence to the remark by telling Bluey that he would knock his block off if he didn’t let him sing. No contest Bluey thought, cant ague with that, and so he asked him what he wanted to sing. By now he was on the stage and told the whole band that he was going to sing “Old Shep”.

  Unbeknown to Bluey and the boys this guy was hated by all in the hall, it included both families. He had lived his whole life intimidating everybody he had ever known, and ruled the roast by using violence as his tool. What ever he said went, if he told you to jump you asked him how high. This went for both families, whenever they attended local dances all had to tolerate his singing, as he always managed to get up on stage and to sing “Old Shep”, the country and western number. It was usually a horrible rendition and way out of tune, because he never got up to sing it until he was blind drunk. He would then spend the rest of the night walking around the dance floor. Asking people what they though of his performance. If you did not give him the response he was expecting to hear, you were beaten into a pulp right where you stood.

  Not wanting to upset the guy Bluey turned to the band telling them to follow his lead, as he knew the song. With that, the Guy launched into the song by missing his place of entrance and dropping the whole song into chaos. He was way to slow and completely out of tune and it sounded just plain bloody awful. Something Bluey had planned, to make him look even worse to all who were being forced to watch and supposedly enjoy.

  When he finally finished his ten-minute rendition of the song, he looked at the crowd as he cracked his fingers and smiled at them all. To him he had just sang the best song of the night and that he was the Rudoth Valentino of the evening, now he could rejoin the guys in bar and to listen to there congratulations on a job well done.

  The stage was quite low and along the front of the stage was a line of chairs with there back rests just protruding above the stage floor. As the guy tried to look very macho to the audience he attempted to jump off the stage, unfortunately the backrest of one of the chairs caught one of his very big feet. He flew through the air head first heading for the centre of the dance floor where he hit the floor teeth first with a sickening thud that knocked him right out. To be greeted by a crescendo of cheering and laughter from all who were present. For once in their entire life, they could let out their emotions and real feeling of what they thought of him. Not one single person went to the centre of the dance floor to see how he was; instead, they all savoured the moment for as long as possible.

  Finally, there was movement on the floor as the guys head started to move. Immediately a deadly hush fell on the dance hall, nobody mad
e a sound, as if they were expecting to see a rocket launched towards the moon.

  The guy managed to sit up and shake his head, while leaving three teeth still stuck in the floor in front of him. By now he had blood running down the side of his mouth and he was rubbing his head, while wondering what the hell had hit him? As he got to his feet a few of his so called friend rushed over to him pretending to be concerned as to what had happened, while others started to congratulate him on his performance, by telling him that he should be a singer because he was so good. I know he told them I’ve been trying to break into the industry for years, but nobody will give me a chance. Just them one of the small children walked over to him and asked him to hold out his had, which he did. The child then placed his three teeth into his half cupped hand, and smiled at him, exposing his own teeth that were missing from the front of his mouth. My daddy told me that I lost mine because I had been kissing the girls at school, but you have just kissed the floor, did it feel the same. Adding that when he grew up he was not going to kiss anything just in case he lost a few more. By this time the guy was starting to feel a bit of a fool and wanted to hit the kid, but thought better of it in front of all the grown ups who were watching his every move.

  In an effort to calm down the situation, Bluey broke into a Spawlszoff muddily of songs that most of his usual audiences loved to dance to. He was hoping that it would entice a few of the guests onto the floor. However, they were having none of it and all remained in there seats drinking and talking amongst them selves. Finally Bluey who by this time was developing a bit of a foul temper, because it all seemed a total waste of time. At the end of the next song, he asked the audience if the band was interfering with their talking, because he would hate to be held responsible for messing up their evening. He told them that as far as the band was concerned they would have better chance of selling Al Kiada franchises to American servicemen on 4th July, rather than get them up to dance. For some reason one little old guy at the back laughed all on his own, until that is he wife grabbed hold of him by the arm and started shaking him, back to reality. Telling him that if he did not shut up, he could walk home alone, he duly obliged. He then left her and walked over to the bar for another drink, in order that he might escape his wife’s further tongue-lashings, while a hundred pair of eyes duly followed him every inch of the way.

  Bluey decided to take a break, and turned to Terry asking how he was feeling. Unfortunately, he was not looking very good and his face seemed quite pale. He told Bluey that he had better take a look at his foot, as he was worried that it was not going down. Bluey gave his guitar to Ruhti and went to where Terry was still sat on his high stool. He then asked him to remove his foot from the bucket, so he could have a look and see how it was. As Terry raise it above the water line Bluey was shocked to see what he describes as a rather large prune, that was very heavily wrinkled, and to being an off white in colour, although around the ankle it self, it was completely black. Pointing this out to Nicky, they both burst out laughing, which did nothing to allay Terry’s fears that it was worse than he had first expected. As he tried to get down off the high stool, he did not realise that he had been sat there for nearly five hours, leaving his legs very weak. Suddenly as he lowered his good leg to the floor it could not take the whole weight of his body and he fell forward hitting the floor with a bang and knocking over the bucket of water, that splashed all over the spaghetti heap of wires that criss crossed the floor.

  All of a sudden, there was a big flash that brightened up the whole dance area. One of the drunken older women guests thought that the official photos were being taken and turned towards the stage with a rather large smile on her face to be greeted by a very loud bang. Immediately all the lights went out, and all that could be heard were female voices screaming out and asking what was going on. Bluey started adding a little more confusion to the situation by calling out don’t panic, don’t panic, women and children first. To which Nicky called out asking, first for what.

  Mean while on the floor it sounded like a heard of wilder beasts where trampling everything before them as the roamed majestically across the plains of Africa, as they say. The children started crying out aloud, and the pitch of the women’s screams climbed a couple of semitones.

  On stage, everybody was scared to move, not wanting to damage any of the gear, by stumbling all over it. However, it was a long wait because the power did not come back on for almost five minutes, taking that long for somebody to work out and find the mains control panel around the back of the hut. When the lights did eventually come on, the whole hall looked like it had been hit by a tornado. The chairs and tables were all over the place with some of them turned up side down. The dance floor was covered with broken glasses and food. While in the corner the wedding cake lay flat on the floor with the print of a size eleven shoe embedded in its icing and the little black and white bride and groom that had sat on the top of the cake, looked like it had been run over by a steam roller. While the Bride was crying and wiping tears from her eyes, the groom lay on the floor nursing a black eye. Seeing this some of the men folk from his side of the family approached the young men from the opposing family, in an effort to find out what had happened. It was quite obvious that somebody had taken the opportunity to settle a family score, and now seemed to be the right time to revenge the attack.

  Within just a few seconds all hell was let loose as the young started knocking seven bails of poo from each other. The whole incident escalated very quickly and started involving the middle-aged men from both camps, and finally it engulfed the women and the older folks, who all became involved.

  Back on stage Bluey had worked out that it was the spilt water from the bucket that had courses all the trouble when it was splashed onto a couple of the power boards. Lucky for them the hall had been fitted with a safety device, cutting off the power before it electrocuted somebody.

  Bluey surveyed the scene of the fight that was by now in full swing, which looked like it was going to go on for some time because there did not seem to be anybody in the hall who was neutral, and would have been able to pull them apart. He found himself telling the band that in the words of Mary Anne Twennette, if all else fails; remember to always keep your head when all around you are loosing theirs.

  He order everybody to pack up the gear as quick as possible, as far as he was concerned they were not going to get involved in a family squabble and have all their gear smashed up in the process. It must have been the quickest the band have ever pulled down the gear and bundled it all into the van, as some pieces still had wires hanging from it. It did not matter once home they could sort it all out, in the safety of their own territory. Even Terry forgot his aches and pains, and hobbled around trying to help. Once it was all in the van Bluey order them all into the van and told Ruhti to get them out of there, as it was going to be a long time before the cavalry arrived. Halfway down the drive somebody asked about their fee, just as Bluey took an envelope from his pocket and waved it to them. Telling them that it always pays to pick your cash up early in the evening at these type of functions, and that they had just witnessed why. Terry found himself asking why they had not said goodbye to anyone and thanked them for a nice evening. They all just looked at him speechless that is all accept Claudie who took another long drag on the rather large cigarette butt that was still hanging from the corner of his mouth.

  Bluey found himself telling everybody to remind him to purchase an air ticket to Timbuktu for Terry, when they got home. While Nicky informed him the he knew of a company good known as “El Chepo”, who had made a name for them selves, in the air fare war. The only problem was, you had to wear a leather helmet, as they under took a little crop dusting along the way.