Joseph Andrews, Vol. 1

by Henry Fielding

  CHAPTER V.

  _A dreadful quarrel which happened at the Inn where the company dined,with its bloody consequences to Mr Adams._

  As soon as the passengers had alighted from the coach, Mr Adams, as washis custom, made directly to the kitchen, where he found Joseph sittingby the fire, and the hostess anointing his leg; for the horse which MrAdams had borrowed of his clerk had so violent a propensity to kneeling,that one would have thought it had been his trade, as well as hismaster's; nor would he always give any notice of such his intention; hewas often found on his knees when the rider least expected it. Thisfoible, however, was of no great inconvenience to the parson, who wasaccustomed to it; and, as his legs almost touched the ground when hebestrode the beast, had but a little way to fall, and threw himselfforward on such occasions with so much dexterity that he never receivedany mischief; the horse and he frequently rolling many paces' distance,and afterwards both getting up and meeting as good friends as ever.

  Poor Joseph, who had not been used to such kind of cattle, though anexcellent horseman, did not so happily disengage himself; but, fallingwith his leg under the beast, received a violent contusion, to which thegood woman was, as we have said, applying a warm hand, with somecamphorated spirits, just at the time when the parson enteredthe kitchen.

  He had scarce expressed his concern for Joseph's misfortune before thehost likewise entered. He was by no means of Mr Tow-wouse's gentledisposition; and was, indeed, perfect master of his house, andeverything in it but his guests.

  This surly fellow, who always proportioned his respect to the appearanceof a traveller, from "God bless your honour," down to plain "Comingpresently," observing his wife on her knees to a footman, cried out,without considering his circumstances, "What a pox is the woman about?why don't you mind the company in the coach? Go and ask them what theywill have for dinner." "My dear," says she, "you know they can havenothing but what is at the fire, which will be ready presently; andreally the poor young man's leg is very much bruised." At which wordsshe fell to chafing more violently than before: the bell then happeningto ring, he damn'd his wife, and bid her go in to the company, and notstand rubbing there all day, for he did not believe the young fellow'sleg was so bad as he pretended; and if it was, within twenty miles hewould find a surgeon to cut it off. Upon these words, Adams fetched twostrides across the room; and snapping his fingers over his head,muttered aloud, He would excommunicate such a wretch for a farthing, forhe believed the devil had more humanity. These words occasioned adialogue between Adams and the host, in which there were two or threesharp replies, till Joseph bad the latter know how to behave himself tohis betters. At which the host (having first strictly surveyed Adams)scornfully repeating the word "betters," flew into a rage, and, tellingJoseph he was as able to walk out of his house as he had been to walkinto it, offered to lay violent hands on him; which perceiving, Adamsdealt him so sound a compliment over his face with his fist, that theblood immediately gushed out of his nose in a stream. The host, beingunwilling to be outdone in courtesy, especially by a person of Adams'sfigure, returned the favour with so much gratitude, that the parson'snostrils began to look a little redder than usual. Upon which he againassailed his antagonist, and with another stroke laid him sprawling onthe floor.

  The hostess, who was a better wife than so surly a husband deserved,seeing her husband all bloody and stretched along, hastened presently tohis assistance, or rather to revenge the blow, which, to all appearance,was the last he would ever receive; when, lo! a pan full of hog's blood,which unluckily stood on the dresser, presented itself first to herhands. She seized it in her fury, and without any reflection, dischargedit into the parson's face; and with so good an aim, that much thegreater part first saluted his countenance, and trickled thence in solarge a current down to his beard, and over his garments, that a morehorrible spectacle was hardly to be seen, or even imagined. All whichwas perceived by Mrs Slipslop, who entered the kitchen at that instant.This good gentlewoman, not being of a temper so extremely cool andpatient as perhaps was required to ask many questions on this occasion,flew with great impetuosity at the hostess's cap, which, together withsome of her hair, she plucked from her head in a moment, giving her, atthe same time, several hearty cuffs in the face; which by frequentpractice on the inferior servants, she had learned an excellent knack ofdelivering with a good grace. Poor Joseph could hardly rise from hischair; the parson was employed in wiping the blood from his eyes, whichhad entirely blinded him; and the landlord was but just beginning tostir; whilst Mrs Slipslop, holding down the landlady's face with herleft hand, made so dexterous an use of her right, that the poor womanbegan to roar, in a key which alarmed all the company in the inn.

  There happened to be in the inn, at this time, besides the ladies whoarrived in the stage-coach, the two gentlemen who were present at MrTow-wouse's when Joseph was detained for his horse's meat, and whom wehave before mentioned to have stopt at the alehouse with Adams. Therewas likewise a gentleman just returned from his travels to Italy; allwhom the horrid outcry of murder presently brought into the kitchen,where the several combatants were found in the postures alreadydescribed.

  It was now no difficulty to put an end to the fray, the conquerors beingsatisfied with the vengeance they had taken, and the conquered having noappetite to renew the fight. The principal figure, and which engaged theeyes of all, was Adams, who was all over covered with blood, which thewhole company concluded to be his own, and consequently imagined him nolonger for this world. But the host, who had now recovered from hisblow, and was risen from the ground, soon delivered them from thisapprehension, by damning his wife for wasting the hog's puddings, andtelling her all would have been very well if she had not intermeddled,like a b--as she was; adding, he was very glad the gentlewoman had paidher, though not half what she deserved. The poor woman had indeed faredmuch the worst; having, besides the unmerciful cuffs received, lost aquantity of hair, which Mrs Slipslop in triumph held in her left hand.

  The traveller, addressing himself to Mrs Grave-airs, desired her not tobe frightened; for here had been only a little boxing, which he said, totheir _disgracia_, the English were _accustomata_ to: adding, it mustbe, however, a sight somewhat strange to him, who was just come fromItaly; the Italians not being addicted to the _cuffardo_ but _bastonza_,says he. He then went up to Adams, and telling him he looked like theghost of Othello, bid him not shake his gory locks at him, for he couldnot say he did it. Adams very innocently answered, "Sir, I am far fromaccusing you." He then returned to the lady, and cried, "I find thebloody gentleman is _uno insipido del nullo senso_. _Dammato di me_, ifI have seen such a _spectaculo_ in my way from Viterbo."

  One of the gentlemen having learnt from the host the occasion of thisbustle, and being assured by him that Adams had struck the first blow,whispered in his ear, "He'd warrant he would recover."--"Recover!master," said the host, smiling: "yes, yes, I am not afraid of dyingwith a blow or two neither; I am not such a chicken as that."--"Pugh!"said the gentleman, "I mean you will recover damages in that actionwhich, undoubtedly, you intend to bring, as soon as a writ can bereturned from London; for you look like a man of too much spirit andcourage to suffer any one to beat you without bringing your actionagainst him: he must be a scandalous fellow indeed who would put up witha drubbing whilst the law is open to revenge it; besides, he hath drawnblood from you, and spoiled your coat; and the jury will give damagesfor that too. An excellent new coat upon my word; and now not worth ashilling! I don't care," continued he, "to intermeddle in these cases;but you have a right to my evidence; and if I am sworn, I must speak thetruth. I saw you sprawling on the floor, and blood gushing from yournostrils. You may take your own opinion; but was I in yourcircumstances, every drop of my blood should convey an ounce of goldinto my pocket: remember I don't advise you to go to law; but if yourjury were Christians, they must give swinging damages. That'sall."--"Master," cried the host, scratching his head, "I have no stomachto law, I thank you. I have seen enough of that in the parish, w
here twoof my neighbours have been at law about a house, till they have bothlawed themselves into a gaol." At which words he turned about, and beganto inquire again after his hog's puddings; nor would it probably havebeen a sufficient excuse for his wife, that she spilt them in hisdefence, had not some awe of the company, especially of the Italiantraveller, who was a person of great dignity, withheld his rage.

  Whilst one of the above-mentioned gentlemen was employed, as we haveseen him, on the behalf of the landlord, the other was no less hearty onthe side of Mr Adams, whom he advised to bring his action immediately.He said the assault of the wife was in law the assault of the husband,for they were but one person; and he was liable to pay damages, which hesaid must be considerable, where so bloody a disposition appeared. Adamsanswered, If it was true that they were but one person, he had assaultedthe wife; for he was sorry to own he had struck the husband the firstblow. "I am sorry you own it too," cries the gentleman; "for it couldnot possibly appear to the court; for here was no evidence present butthe lame man in the chair, whom I suppose to be your friend, and wouldconsequently say nothing but what made for you."--"How, sir," saysAdams, "do you take me for a villain, who would prosecute revenge incold blood, and use unjustifiable means to obtain it? If you knew me,and my order, I should think you affronted both." At the word order, thegentleman stared (for he was too bloody to be of any modern order ofknights); and, turning hastily about, said, "Every man knew his ownbusiness."

  Matters being now composed, the company retired to their severalapartments; the two gentlemen congratulating each other on the successof their good offices in procuring a perfect reconciliation between thecontending parties; and the traveller went to his repast, crying, "Asthe Italian poet says--

  '_Je voi_ very well _que tutta e pace_, So send up dinner, good Boniface.'"

  The coachman began now to grow importunate with his passengers, whoseentrance into the coach was retarded by Miss Grave-airs insisting,against the remonstrance of all the rest, that she would not admit afootman into the coach; for poor Joseph was too lame to mount a horse. Ayoung lady, who was, as it seems, an earl's grand-daughter, begged itwith almost tears in her eyes. Mr Adams prayed, and Mrs Slipslopscolded; but all to no purpose. She said, "She would not demean herselfto ride with a footman: that there were waggons on the road: that if themaster of the coach desired it, she would pay for two places; but wouldsuffer no such fellow to come in."--"Madam," says Slipslop, "I am sureno one can refuse another coming into a stage-coach."--"I don't know,madam," says the lady; "I am not much used to stage-coaches; I seldomtravel in them."--"That may be, madam," replied Slipslop; "very goodpeople do; and some people's betters, for aught I know." Miss Grave-airssaid, "Some folks might sometimes give their tongues a liberty, to somepeople that were their betters, which did not become them; for her part,she was not used to converse with servants." Slipslop returned, "Somepeople kept no servants to converse with; for her part, she thankedHeaven she lived in a family where there were a great many, and had moreunder her own command than any paultry little gentlewoman in thekingdom." Miss Grave-airs cried, "She believed her mistress would notencourage such sauciness to her betters."--"My betters," says Slipslop,"who is my betters, pray?"--"I am your betters," answered MissGrave-airs, "and I'll acquaint your mistress."--At which Mrs Slipsloplaughed aloud, and told her, "Her lady was one of the great gentry; andsuch little paultry gentlewomen as some folks, who travelled instagecoaches, would not easily come at her."

  This smart dialogue between some people and some folks was going on atthe coach door when a solemn person, riding into the inn, and seeingMiss Grave-airs, immediately accosted her with "Dear child, how do you?"She presently answered, "O papa, I am glad you have overtaken me."--"Soam I," answered he; "for one of our coaches is just at hand; and, therebeing room for you in it, you shall go no farther in the stage unlessyou desire it."--"How can you imagine I should desire it?" says she; so,bidding Slipslop ride with her fellow, if she pleased, she took herfather by the hand, who was just alighted, and walked with him intoa room.

  Adams instantly asked the coachman, in a whisper, "If he knew who thegentleman was?" The coachman answered, "He was now a gentleman, and kepthis horse and man; but times are altered, master," said be; "I rememberwhen he was no better born than myself."--"Ay! ay!" says Adams. "Myfather drove the squire's coach," answered he, "when that very man rodepostillion; but he is now his steward; and a great gentleman." Adamsthen snapped his fingers, and cried, "He thought she was somesuch trollop."

  Adams made haste to acquaint Mrs Slipslop with this good news, as heimagined it; but it found a reception different from what he expected.The prudent gentlewoman, who despised the anger of Miss Grave-airswhilst she conceived her the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune,now she heard her alliance with the upper servants of a great family inher neighbourhood, began to fear her interest with the mistress. Shewished she had not carried the dispute so far, and began to think ofendeavouring to reconcile herself to the young lady before she left theinn; when, luckily, the scene at London, which the reader can scarcehave forgotten, presented itself to her mind, and comforted her withsuch assurance, that she no longer apprehended any enemy withher mistress.

  Everything being now adjusted, the company entered the coach, which wasjust on its departure, when one lady recollected she had left her fan, asecond her gloves, a third a snuff-box, and a fourth a smelling-bottlebehind her; to find all which occasioned some delay and much swearing tothe coachman.

  As soon as the coach had left the inn, the women all together fell tothe character of Miss Grave-airs; whom one of them declared she hadsuspected to be some low creature, from the beginning of their journey,and another affirmed she had not even the looks of a gentlewoman: athird warranted she was no better than she should be; and, turning tothe lady who had related the story in the coach, said, "Did you everhear, madam, anything so prudish as her remarks? Well, deliver me fromthe censoriousness of such a prude." The fourth added, "O madam! allthese creatures are censorious; but for my part, I wonder where thewretch was bred; indeed, I must own I have seldom conversed with thesemean kind of people, so that it may appear stranger to me; but to refusethe general desire of a whole company had something in it soastonishing, that, for my part, I own I should hardly believe it if myown ears had not been witnesses to it."--"Yes, and so handsome a youngfellow," cries Slipslop; "the woman must have no compulsion in her: Ibelieve she is more of a Turk than a Christian; I am certain, if she hadany Christian woman's blood in her veins, the sight of such a youngfellow must have warmed it. Indeed, there are some wretched, miserableold objects, that turn one's stomach; I should not wonder if she hadrefused such a one; I am as nice as herself, and should have cared nomore than herself for the company of stinking old fellows; but, hold upthy head, Joseph, thou art none of those; and she who hath notcompulsion for thee is a Myhummetman, and I will maintain it." Thisconversation made Joseph uneasy as well as the ladies; who, perceivingthe spirits which Mrs Slipslop was in (for indeed she was not a cup toolow), began to fear the consequence; one of them therefore desired thelady to conclude the story. "Aye, madam," said Slipslop, "I beg yourladyship to give us that story you commensated in the morning;" whichrequest that well-bred woman immediately complied with.