Unexpectedly, tears filled her eyes at the thought of the wildness of a horse who didn’t respect the people around it. Was she any different?
Fernando brought Snookie back to where he’d been working with her and returned to work.
The trouble with having Fernando here was that she was starting to look at the past in a more analytical way, rather than trying to pretend it never happened. Because of Fernando, she was being forced to deal with things she’d been trying to ignore.
Erin stepped beside her and put her arm around her. “Are you okay? You look upset.”
Nicole looked over her sister. “I’m watching Fernando train the horse and thinking that we aren’t so different, Snookie and me. I was so stubborn about my wedding, wanting my own way. Even though Brandon never said he didn’t want to marry me, he suggested that we postpone a number of times. I never looked at it from his perspective or asked deeper questions about what he really wanted. It was all about me.”
Erin gave her a squeeze. “It doesn’t justify his actions.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Nicole said. “But for the first time, instead of making it all his fault, I’m wondering what my part in all of it was. I can be just as stubborn as Snookie. I spend so much time focused on my needs and what I want that I don’t always see others’ needs.”
Erin chuckled. “Welcome to being human. Don’t beat yourself up. We all do it. There’s nothing you can do, given that we’re talking about a dead man who can’t give you the answers you need. All you can do is look forward and decide to do better in future relationships.”
Nicole looked over at her sister, who wore a thoughtful expression. “You’re thinking about Lance, aren’t you?” Nicole asked.
Erin shrugged. “Like you, I’m prone to my moments of melancholy. Sometimes I wonder if ending my marriage to Lance was the right thing to do. I still love him, but what was happening between us wasn’t healthy, and I couldn’t handle the constant fighting over things that would never be solved. Our daughter was dead, and I thought having each other would be enough, but I was wrong.”
Erin reached up and fingered the locket she always wore. It contained Lily’s baby picture, along with a lock of her hair.
Nicole put her arms around her sister, and Erin rested her head on Nicole’s shoulder. “I just have to hold on to God’s goodness,” Erin said. “Even though it sometimes feels like my life has ended, my story isn’t over. There’s still a chance for wonderful things to come my way.”
Then Erin looked up at Nicole. “I believe that for you, too.”
Some of the heaviness in Nicole’s heart lifted, and as she looked over at Fernando working with Snookie, she realized that she’d been holding back from living because she’d been so buried in the resentment of broken dreams.
Sure, she’d been focused on building the ranch with her sisters, but she’d also spent a lot of her energy on hating Fernando.
And for what?
It didn’t change anything in her past, and it certainly hadn’t helped her future. But letting go of her resentment of Fernando just might.
Maybe he’d been right that holding on to her unforgiveness was hurting more than it was helping her.
She turned and gave Erin another hug. “I know it’s hard for you to talk about your losses, but it really means a lot to me. It makes me feel not so alone.”
Erin hugged her back. “It helped me as much as it helped you.” Then Erin gestured at Fernando. “I know you don’t want him here, because it reminds you of your pain. When Lily first died, it was hard being around the boys. Especially because she and Ryan had been so close. But then I realized how much he missed her, and helping him helped me.”
With a loving look on her face, Erin turned her attention back to Nicole. “Even though Fernando says he’s here to help us, maybe we need to help him, too. Sharing my pain was the only way I got through my grief. Maybe it’s time for you to do the same.”
Erin’s words were like a sharp kick in the stomach. Nicole’s immediate response was that she wanted to ask her sister whose side she was on. But as she saw the genuine compassion in Erin’s eyes, she had to wonder if maybe Erin and Leah were right. This whole time, Nicole had been selfishly thinking about the pain she carried, but not what anyone else, especially Fernando, had been enduring.
And as she watched him tirelessly going through the same motions designed to break down the barriers around Snookie’s heart, she wondered if maybe it was time to let some of her own down as well.
* * *
The horse was proving to be more stubborn than Fernando initially thought. But that was a mare for you. Finally, she showed enough signs of submission that he thought they might be getting somewhere.
“Good girl,” he said, giving her a pat. He rode her over to the gate, where Nicole and Erin were watching.
He knew Nicole probably wanted to get the training over with so that he could be out of her hair forever. But horses didn’t work on a timeline, especially not this one. Snookie had to be the most stubborn mare he’d ever worked with.
Nicole, with her tender heart, would obviously want to help a horse like Snookie. But Snookie wasn’t a starter horse, and her issues were challenging, even for him.
He pulled off his hat and wiped his brow. He hadn’t realized how late it had gotten.
Erin handed him a bottle of water. “You’ve been working hard,” she said. “Lunch has been ready for a while, but I’ll admit I’ve enjoyed watching the horse in action.”
He took a long drink of water, grateful for refreshment. “Nicole told me. I wasn’t expecting you to wait on me.”
He looked at Nicole, and she gave the same nonchalant shrug she always did whenever he tried including her. She might have said she accepted him being there, but her grudging attitude spoke louder.
“I meant to go back in,” Nicole said. “But, like Erin, I got caught up watching.”
She reached forward and patted the horse. “You did good.”
Was she talking about him or the horse? Fernando didn’t know and he wasn’t going to ask.
“I think she’s slowly getting there,” Fernando said. “It just takes patience.”
Nicole smiled at him. “And you seem to have a great deal of it. She’s stubborn, and I haven’t seen you lose your temper at all.”
He grinned and took another drink of his water before answering. “Trust me, there have been times I’ve wanted to. But it serves no purpose. She doesn’t understand if I yell at her. Yelling just makes her think I’m a big scary human and that she’s in danger. The key is to be calm at all times and not let your emotions get the better of you.”
Nicole nodded intelligently—based on what she’d mentioned watching and reading, these concepts were likely familiar to her. But he saw an even deeper connection, one she might not understand.
“I believe horses can sense what we’re feeling,” he continued. “They feed off our energy. If we stand before them, frustrated and upset, they may not understand it, but they sense something is amiss. So they act on it. If a horse is frightened or upset, the last thing they need is for us to continue feeding that emotion.”
He liked that Nicole seemed to take his words in, a thoughtful expression on her face.
“I saw a show once,” Nicole said. “Where the people in the demonstration were supposed to think positive thoughts and the horse would come to them. Then they would think negative thoughts and see what the horse would do. The people who said they were thinking positive thoughts, the horse always ended up following them around. But for the people with negative thoughts, it was harder to get to the horse to behave.”
Fernando nodded. “I’ve seen that, too. I went to one of those trainings.”
Erin groaned. “All right, horse nerds. I’m out. No offense, but Nicole has spent hours making us watch those boring videos, and while I ap
preciate where you’re coming from, lunch is far more interesting to me. I’m hungry.”
He chuckled and watched as Erin turned to go back to the house. He half expected Nicole to follow, but instead, she turned to him.
“Did you find the training useful?” Nicole asked.
The answer to her question was treading a delicate line. The trainer had come to the prison, not just to help the men learn how to work with their horses, but also to teach them how to control their emotions. To see the impact their emotions had on others.
It had probably been the most valuable lesson he’d learned. One he needed to remember here with Nicole. She was just as skittish as a newly caught horse.
“I did,” he said slowly, weighing what to tell her that would be helpful versus what would reveal too much about his past.
She gave Snookie another pat. “Do you use that technique with her?”
Nicole’s question and the curiosity in her eyes demonstrated an openness to him that he hadn’t seen in her before. For the first time, she didn’t appear to be conversing with him out of a grudging acceptance that he had to be there.
Was there hope that they could get along after all?
“Yes,” he said. “It sounds crazy, but every time I work with a horse, I always pray and ask God to give me guidance on how to bond with the horse. As God’s creatures, I think the horses sense God’s love within me and know that my actions toward them stem from God’s love.”
Nicole murmured and nodded, like his words made sense to her. Once again, he couldn’t help thinking how much he admired her. Working with the horses wasn’t the only area in which he needed God to give him strength.
“When I’m frustrated with the horse,” he continued, “I can draw on the love of God to keep me calm and peaceful, using God’s strength to be what the horse needs.”
Nicole smiled at him. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. But you’re right. God’s love is stronger than anything we have on our own. I think about all the things I try to do on my own strength and—”
She shook her head slowly, appearing deep in thought. “I can’t believe I never thought to ask for God’s help.”
Watching the different expressions cross her face almost made him feel like he was intruding on a private conversation between her and God. But as he took a deep breath and silently asked God what he was supposed to do in this situation, he realized he already had the answer.
Maybe, if Nicole could open her heart to God in working with Snookie, Nicole would let God work in other areas of her life as well.
Perhaps that was the real reason God had brought Fernando here. The horse had just been the excuse for the greater work God wanted to do in Nicole’s heart.
Snookie nudged him softly as if to confirm his thoughts.
He gave the horse a pat and turned back to Nicole. “It’s funny how complicated we make things when we forget to consult the Lord.”
Nicole groaned. “I know. I didn’t listen when Shane said not to get Snookie. And I sure didn’t ask God. I wanted a horse so bad, and I really thought Snookie was speaking to me. Telling me we belonged together.”
Then Nicole shook her head slowly. “But that was just wishful thinking, wasn’t it? It was just those long-held dreams, tired of being patient.”
Fernando reached out and touched her arm gently. “I don’t know. It’s possible that she did speak to you. And it’s possible that you were too impatient in getting her. But God is capable of redeeming our mistakes, so there is hope for you and Snookie yet.”
The smile she gave him warmed his heart. “Do you think so? I was just telling Erin how selfish I’d been in...” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. But maybe I was selfish in wanting Snookie. Thinking of my needs, but not hers. Certainly not my family’s.”
She looked up at him with a mixture of sadness and desperation, and something in her eyes told him that she was earnestly trying to do the right thing.
Something he could help her with.
“I believe that horses, just like people, can be redeemed. Snookie just needs love and a bond with someone willing to love her. I won’t be with her forever. But you will. As we train her, she’ll bond to you and will feel safe once I’m gone.”
Nicole’s face lit up. “You don’t think she’s a danger to the boys?”
He shrugged. “I think she’s got some bad habits, born mostly out of self-protection. But we can help her learn new ones, and we can help her feel safe. Do you want to try?”
Even though he was still holding the horse, Nicole threw her arms around him and gave him a hug.
“Thank you for not giving up on me,” she said. “And thank you for giving me the opportunity to have a second chance with Snookie. You have no idea how much this means to me.”
And even though Snookie usually reacted badly to sudden movements, she seemed to sense the enormity of what had just happened and remained still.
Maybe it was his own foolishness, but it felt like, in this moment, God was giving them all a big hug, telling them everything would be okay. Fernando just wished he had that same feeling about the bigger picture of his life.
He’d prayed for a long time about what he was supposed to do, and it seemed like every door he’d hoped to walk through ended up being closed to him. Going to work for his uncle had seemed like the right decision, since it was the only open door, and he’d been praying for God to open the right doors, but deep in the pit of his stomach, Fernando was dreading the day when he’d walk onto his uncle’s job site.
His body must have tensed at the thought, because Nicole pulled away. “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable with my hug. I know I haven’t been very welcoming to you, but I really am trying. And, thanks to our conversation, I’ll spend more time talking to God about all of this.”
The shy smile she gave him brought more confidence to his plans. His stop in Columbine Springs was only meant to be a short visit, but clearly God had other plans. Who knew what plans God had for him in working a job he didn’t want? He had to be open to whatever God’s workings were.
“Don’t be sorry,” Fernando said. “It did me a lot of good. Funny, in all this time I’ve known you, I didn’t realize you were a believer. I guess you’re right that there’s a lot I don’t know about you. But I’m glad for this opportunity.”
Nicole shrugged. “Back when you knew me, I wasn’t much of one. But since moving here, we’ve become involved with the Columbine Springs Community Church. My faith has become very important to me.”
Then she gave a tiny laugh as she pushed her hair off her face. “But, as you can see, I still have a lot to learn about leaning on God.”
“We all do,” he assured her. “Thank you for trusting me with your struggles. It’s our job as brothers and sisters in Christ.”
He just wished it was safe for him to trust someone with his struggles. His past. Adriana used to tease Nicole for being such a good girl that she wouldn’t cross the street against the light even if there were no cars coming. How would she judge him for committing a real crime?
She looked pensive for a moment, then turned her gaze out across the fields before looking at him again. “I don’t let a lot of people in. The closest are my sisters, but having you here has taught me how much I shut them out. I trusted Brandon and Adriana with everything, and look where that got me. Somewhere there has to be an in-between, but I don’t know how to find it.”
“Or you just trusted the wrong people,” he said softly. He knew all about trusting the wrong people. After all, that’s how he’d ended up ruining his life.
“Maybe,” Nicole said. Then she looked over at the house. “I suppose I should stop chewing your ear off and let you get some lunch. You’re probably hungry after all of your hard work.”
She turned to leave, then stopped. “Oh, and you should come to church with
us on Sunday. Our pastor talks about God a lot like you do. I think you’d like him.”
Not waiting for an answer, she went into the house, skipping up the stairs of the back porch like whatever load she’d been carrying had been lightened. Clearly, their conversation had helped her.
But it had only left more uncertainty for him. He’d tried going to church, but as soon as he got involved and people found out about his record, they treated him differently, like they were afraid of him or what he might do. He’d moved to watching the sermons online, where he wouldn’t have to walk through the sanctuary, listening to people whisper about him. The chaplain at the prison would have told him that he needed the actual fellowship of other believers, but so far Fernando hadn’t found anyone willing to accept him when they found out what he’d done.
So what was he supposed to do with this invitation?
Chapter Five
Nicole craned her neck to see if Fernando had come into the church yet. They’d offered to let him ride with them to save on gas, but he’d said he had some errands to run in town, so he’d take his own vehicle. However, when they’d arrived at the church, Fernando hadn’t gotten out of his truck.
The music was just starting, and so far, Fernando hadn’t entered the sanctuary. Nicole had put her Bible beside her to save a spot for him, but maybe he didn’t want to sit with her. She hadn’t exactly done much to make him feel welcome.
It didn’t take long for Nicole to become engrossed in her favorite worship songs. Even though she was standing in a group of people, the experience always ended up feeling like a very personal time with God. As she closed her eyes, praising God, she felt like a newer, stronger person.
Pastor Roberts’s sermon was on trusting the Lord, and it was like he’d been peeking into her life over the past several days. One more reason she needed to rely on God more than she should her own wisdom. It was like Proverbs 3:5 had been written just for her. But that was the amazing way God worked sometimes.
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