The other man sounded disappointed in him, and though Shane was close to Fernando’s age, it felt like he was letting down a mentor.
Fernando sighed. “I told Nicole I wasn’t interested in the job. It didn’t seem fair to get Ricky’s hopes up.”
“It’s a good job,” Shane said. “You’re a good trainer. Why wouldn’t you be interested?”
He could see where, logically, it didn’t make sense to someone who didn’t know the full story. After all, that’s why he’d finally told Nicole about his past.
But Shane wasn’t Nicole.
And he wasn’t falling in love with Shane.
So he didn’t owe the other man anything.
Did he?
“Like I told Nicole, I have a job waiting for me. In fact, my uncle needs me to start on Monday.”
Shane rubbed his chin. “And you’d rather do construction for your uncle than train horses?”
No. But he couldn’t give Shane that answer.
“He’s my uncle. He helped me when no one else would.”
Reasons Fernando would do well to remember. Everyone else had pretty much given up on him, but at least Uncle Sergio was giving him a chance. Probably not a fair chance, but it would be enough to survive.
“What about Nicole and Snookie?”
Fernando knew the tone in the other man’s voice. It was a protective older brother, making sure the sister he loved wasn’t going to be hurt.
“I’m going to put together some exercises for them to do during the week. I’ll be back on weekends to check progress and come up with a plan for the next week.”
Shane looked at him like he thought it was a stupid plan. And while Fernando agreed it wasn’t ideal, at least it would enable him to keep his promise to Nicole.
The shirt weighed heavily in his hands. He had to keep his promise to Nicole, especially if what he suspected about Snookie biting her was true.
“If you worked for Ricky, you could still work with Snookie every day, the way you have been.”
Fernando took a deep breath. This whole family just couldn’t let go of the idea.
“I can’t go work for Ricky.”
Shane gave him a hard stare. “Why not?”
“Look,” Fernando said. “There are things in my past I’m not proud of. People won’t like me working on a guest ranch.”
His heart was heavy in his chest. He didn’t want to admit, once again, the mistakes of his past. But at least now, if Shane found out and didn’t want him around, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Not when he couldn’t stay anyway. He’d figure out some other way to help Nicole and Snookie.
“Your record, you mean,” Shane said, looking thoughtful.
Had Nicole told him? He hadn’t told her to keep it a secret, but the time they’d shared had seemed so personal, so intimate. He hadn’t expected her to tell anyone.
“How do you know about it?” he asked.
Shane snorted. “You think I’m going to let someone come stay on this ranch, with women and children I love, without running a background check on them? It’s easy enough to do these days, so I’m not going to risk their safety by letting a stranger stay here.”
Fernando could only stare at him. He’d known all along? “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“What’s there to say?” Shane shrugged. “The way I see it, you committed a crime, and you paid your debt to society. I’m familiar with the program you were in. Walt Cunningham is one of the best trainers I know. Most guys would kill to work with him, but...”
Shane chuckled as he shook his head. “I guess that’s how people do get to work with him these days. Though you didn’t kill anyone, so there’s that.”
It was kind of funny, if you thought about it. Only they didn’t have murderers in the program. Just a lot of guys like him, who’d made a stupid mistake.
“Anyway,” Shane continued. “Everyone in the horse training world has heard about Walt and his methods. I’ve met guys who’ve hired men who were in Walt’s program, and they can’t say enough good things about them. Why wouldn’t you tell people that?”
Being in the program was supposed to be a selling point of Fernando’s skills when he got out. The trouble was, no one realized what a strike having a felony record actually was.
“You don’t think I tried?” Fernando asked. “Look, I’ve been through all this with Nicole. People might say they want a guy with my expertise, but in the end, all they see is someone who was convicted of a crime. And they’re afraid I’m going to do it again.”
“Are you?”
No one had asked him that before. Nicole had simply told him she didn’t believe him capable of it and had left it at that. But something about Shane’s frank question made him feel a little better about this conversation.
“Absolutely not. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses, but I didn’t even do what I was convicted of.”
Shane nodded. “I figured there was more to the story, and that you’d tell it if and when you were ready. We all have things in our pasts we’re not proud of. But you can’t let it define you.”
He hesitated, then gave Fernando a sharp look. “And honestly, until now, I’d have never pegged you for a coward. You’re so afraid of being judged that you won’t let yourself live. You won’t risk going after your dream job, and you won’t risk letting an amazing woman love you.”
“What do you know about that?” Fernando stared at him.
Shane made an exasperated noise. “Anyone with eyes can see it. You’re crazy about Nicole, and she seems really happy when she’s around you. I obviously haven’t known her very long, but I’ve never seen that light in her eyes before. Leah says she’s seeing a deep healing in Nicole thanks to you.”
It was good to hear that Nicole was finding the peace she needed. But the thing no one seemed to understand was that he was leaving precisely because he cared about her. He wanted her to have the chance at a good life and a decent future. Why didn’t anyone else see that?
“I’ll still be here every weekend,” Fernando said.
Shane shook his head. “I should move your things out to the chicken coop.”
Then he shoved his hands in his pockets. “But I won’t. Leah and her sisters would fail to see the fitting nature of the move. But I am putting you on notice. I don’t want to see Nicole getting hurt.”
He understood the threat, loud and clear. It was delivered with the same power as his words about Snookie.
“Don’t you get it? That’s what I’ve been trying to do. She deserves better than I can give her. But I think you know Nicole well enough to know by now that she’s more stubborn than that mare of hers. I try to keep my distance, but she keeps pushing her way in. So what else am I supposed to do?”
Shane looked him up and down. “Talk to Ricky. At least hear him out and give him the chance to decide for himself if he wants to hire someone with your past—and your skills. You sell yourself short in thinking that your past is all you are.”
Easy enough for him to say. But for Fernando to argue the point further and explain how it hadn’t worked out for him before was only inviting more of the same. Shane didn’t understand, because he hadn’t lived it.
“I know who I am,” Fernando said. “And I’ve experienced all the opportunities that have fallen through because of it. So let’s agree to disagree, and instead figure out a way to help Nicole get this horse where she wants her.”
“Fine,” Shane said. “You’re clearly not the man I thought you were. And you’re right. Nicole deserves better.”
The other man turned and left, letting his words hit Fernando like a punch he hadn’t seen coming but knew he deserved. He just hadn’t thought it would hurt this much.
He liked and respected Shane. And realizing he couldn’t be the man Shane wanted him to be was only one more wa
y he’d let the people in his life down.
As he looked at the shirt in his hands, he prayed he wouldn’t be letting Nicole and Snookie down as well. He’d already disappointed Shane, and knowing how protective Shane was of his loved ones, Shane wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of the last remaining threats to their safety.
Snookie—and Fernando.
Chapter Eleven
The pain in her shoulder had been excruciating all day at work. Even though she wasn’t sure if it helped or not, she’d been taking the maximum dose of ibuprofen just in case it was doing something. Anything to make the throbbing stop.
All Nicole wanted to do was go home and fall into bed. Maybe sleep would help. She never knew a horse bite could be so painful. Especially since it had been a few days since it had happened. Shouldn’t it be healing by now?
But when she pulled into the driveway, Fernando stepped out of the barn and headed for her car, like he’d been waiting to talk to her.
He probably had some new lesson he wanted to do with Snookie. But she just couldn’t. Not today, and not with the pain. Plus, she was starting to feel like she was coming down with something, so that was probably making the pain worse. At least she’d have the weekend to recuperate.
“We need to talk,” he said as soon as she stepped out of the car.
“Can it wait?” she asked. “To be perfectly honest, I’ve had a long day, and I’m not feeling well.”
He looked at her with such concern and compassion that had things been different between them, she’d have wanted a hug. Well, she still did, but that would only make the pain in her heart worse.
“Give me five minutes, and then you can go rest. I’d like to talk in the tack room, where we can have some privacy.”
The only reason he could possibly want privacy was if he’d had a change of heart. But from his stiff posture and firm tone, he acted almost mad at her.
She followed him into the tack room, and he closed the door behind them.
“Turn around,” he said.
Nicole stared at him. “What’s going on?”
“I want you to turn around and slide your shirt down so I can see the back of your right shoulder.”
Nicole closed her eyes. He knew. But how? And then she remembered that she’d hidden her ruined shirt in the tack room until she could get it out without being noticed.
“It’s not what you think,” she said, remaining facing him.
“So then why was your bloody shirt wadded up in a corner of the tack room? And why does it have what looks like bite marks on the back of your right shoulder area?”
“I don’t know.” Tears ran down her face as she tried to come up with a reasonable explanation that didn’t involve her showing him exactly what he was looking for.
Fernando took a step toward her. “Nicole, I promised you I’d do whatever it took for you to keep Snookie. But I can’t help you if you’re not telling me everything. Why can’t you trust me?”
She brushed at her eyes. “Why do you think? You’re not very forthcoming, either, and you haven’t done anything to show you trust me. That you trust in us. All your talk about faith—it doesn’t seem to apply to you, or to us.”
He looked at her like she was crazy. But she didn’t feel well, and he’d broken her heart, and now, if anyone knew what had happened with Snookie, she’d lose her, too.
As the tears ran down her face, he wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You want more from me than I can give, and I’ve never promised you any of that. But I did promise to help with Snookie, which I can’t do if you won’t tell me what happened.”
Fernando held her as she sobbed, and even though she knew it was crossing a lot of the boundaries they’d both tried setting, it felt so good to be held by him. Why couldn’t he love her? What was so wrong with her that made men unwilling to love her? And why did she still want someone who obviously didn’t feel enough of the same way to do something about it?
Taking a deep breath, Nicole pulled away, then told Fernando what had happened.
He nodded slowly, like he was processing, except it only made the angry expression on his face worse.
“You should have told me right away,” he said.
She tried to glare at him, but the effort made her head hurt. “I wouldn’t have been in the barn that night in the first place had you bothered to show up for dinner with Ricky. You weren’t around to tell.”
The fire in his gaze hurt almost as much as the pain in her shoulder. “Don’t make this about that. You could have told me the next day. Or called. Or texted. The fact that Snookie bit you has an important impact on her training that I needed to know. She’s been acting strange all week, and now I know why. I get that you don’t want to lose her, but your stubbornness has created a huge setback in Snookie’s training.”
Tears filled her eyes at his harsh words. Maybe she deserved them, but it didn’t feel like Fernando was on her side anymore. But at least now he knew, and maybe he could help her fix what had gone wrong.
She opened her mouth to speak, but her head hurt so much that it felt almost impossible.
“Are you okay?” Fernando asked. “You really must not be feeling well, because you look awful. I’m sorry to lay all this on you now, and I guess I should have waited since you said you wanted to go to bed.”
He looked like he wanted to say more, but he was starting to get fuzzy, and her head was pounding even harder.
The next thing she knew, she was in his arms, and he was carrying her out of the barn. It felt good to have his arms around her, and to be surrounded by that familiar scent.
“Why can’t you love me? Why doesn’t anyone love me the way I want to be loved? Why did Snookie have to bite me? I was just hugging her and loving on her.”
She was babbling now, and she probably shouldn’t have said all those things. But Fernando was looking at her so tenderly, it was easy to pretend that things were different between them. Maybe when she felt better, they could talk again and find a way to make things work. Or maybe she could figure out a way to stop loving people who didn’t love her back in the same way.
* * *
Fernando would have liked to have written off her feverish babbling as nonsense, but he heard the pain in her words that came from her heart. He hadn’t meant for her to fall in love with him, and he hated that his desire to protect her only fed into her insecurities that she was unlovable. It was far from the truth, but how could he convince her that all his actions were based on love?
As he gathered her in his arms, he looked at her shoulder. The angry red streaks coming from the wound told him this wasn’t a virus she was fighting but an infection from the horse bite that she was hiding from everyone. In trying to keep it a secret to protect Snookie, she’d endangered her life.
Walking out of the barn with Nicole in his arms, the first person he came upon was Shane. There was no way he could hide this from the other man.
Shane came running toward him. “What happened?”
“Nicole is very ill,” Fernando said. “We need to get her to the emergency room right away.”
“I’ll get my truck,” Shane said. “I’m sure Leah will want to come, so one of you can sit in the back seat with Nicole, and Erin can stay with the boys. I wonder what made her so sick. She was fine this morning at breakfast.”
How was he supposed to lie to this man, who was so worried about his future sister-in-law?
“Snookie bit her, and it became infected. She kept it hidden from all of us, because she was afraid you would take her horse away.”
As he spoke, Nicole’s sisters approached, worry written all over their faces.
“Do you think she’ll be okay?” Erin asked. “And how do you know that’s what happened?”
Fernando adjusted Nicole in his arms, knowing that he couldn’t keep holding her for mu
ch longer. “Let’s just get her in the truck. I can explain on the way to the hospital.”
Shane pulled the truck up right next to him and helped Fernando get Nicole in the back seat. At first, he let go of her to let Leah take over, but Nicole cried out and clutched him so tightly that he couldn’t bear to leave her.
“It’s okay,” Leah said. “She wants you, and I’d much rather her be comfortable while she’s out of it.”
Fernando nodded as he adjusted Nicole in his arms while Leah buckled her sister in.
As they drove, Fernando explained to Shane and Leah what he’d found in the barn and the result of his confrontation with Nicole.
“When you approached me in the barn earlier, Shane, I’d just found the bloodied shirt. I should have told you then, but I wanted to give Nicole the chance to explain first. I just never imagined that the bite had become infected. But judging from the wound, it was probably hard for her to reach to clean it.”
“I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t have asked for our help,” Leah said.
Fernando looked down at Nicole and brushed her hair off her sweaty forehead. “She didn’t want to lose Snookie. Based on her incoherent mumblings, she thinks Snookie is all she has to love. Yes, she has you guys, but it’s not the same. The way Brandon left her, she feels unworthy of love.”
He didn’t add that his seeming rejection of her probably hadn’t made things any better. Given the murderous look he saw on Shane’s face every time the other man glanced into the rearview mirror to check on them, he was pretty sure Shane would have words with him later. And maybe Fernando deserved it, giving Nicole hope then taking it away from her.
But Fernando would do whatever it took to at least save Snookie for Nicole. He couldn’t give her what she wanted, at least in terms of their relationship, but he had to help her keep her horse.
“You said that if Snookie bit again, you’d make Nicole get rid of her. But that’s exactly why we’re racing her to the emergency room right now. Can’t you see how desperate she is to keep her horse? Don’t break Nicole’s heart.”
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