I choked down my sobs, refusing to let him see me cry. Let him see on my face how much I cared about him.
How much I loved him, too.
But unfortunately for both of us, I didn’t love myself.
“You really want to know who I am? I’m a liar. I’m a fraud. I use people. If you knew who I really was, you would want nothing to do with me. Goodbye Erik.”
And I stormed off the base back to the Hotel Del, leaving my pretty sea foam cruiser, and my man, behind.
My body was battered and bruised. But at least it was in one piece.
Unlike my heart.
Erik
I stood there in the sand as Aria stomped off, sand from her boots flying in my face. What the fuck had just happened?
Had she literally just dumped me because I wouldn’t let her keep trying Dirty Name? What the hell was wrong with her? Why was that goddamn obstacle so important to her? More important to her than I was?
And she had just told me she was a liar. What had she been talking about? How had she lied to me?
Dammit. Why had I let my guard down around her? I had even considered a future with her. This was my fucking fault. Not hers. She had told me from day one she didn’t want anything serious because she wasn’t going to be in town, but my dumb ass pursued her anyway. As a SEAL, I tried to push away from my emotions, focus on the facts. But the fact was my heart had just detonated into a thousand pieces.
I grabbed her stupid bike and mine and walked both bikes back to my garage.
What the fuck was I going to do with this bike? I could’ve given it to Holly, but she already had a bike. I could donate it somewhere or give it to one of my buddy’s wives.
But maybe, one day, Aria would return. Apologize for flipping out on me.
Until I heard from her again, I would keep the bike, and try not to remember how happy she looked riding it.
Aria
Six Months later
On a cold winter day, my plane touched down in San Diego. Had it really been six months since I’d left my heart here? I was so ashamed of running out like a child. And now I was back. Would I run into Erik? I wondered if he was even stateside or if he was deployed? As much as I missed him, I secretly hoped he was deployed so I wouldn’t run into him. Until after I had passed BUD/S. I didn’t need that distraction. One look at him on base and I would lose all my focus.
Even worse than my fear of confronting him was how much I missed him. I had deluded myself into thinking I would be able to get over him so easily. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I dreamt of him every night, and he filled my thoughts every second of the day. Every time I achieved a goal in my pre-BUD/S training, he was the first person I wanted to call. I had even stalked him on Facebook. Each time I refreshed his page, my heart stood still for a second, because I dreaded seeing a profile picture of him with his arm wrapped around a girl. But luckily for me, his picture remained only of him. Either way, I knew my obsession with him wasn’t healthy. I hoped that one day after I completed BUD/S, I could see him and get some closure. And better yet, I dreamed that he would give me another shot.
Isa and I remained in constant contact regarding Flounder. I hadn’t told her either that I had joined the Navy. Once I made it through hell week, I planned to apply to live off base and rent a place in Coronado for Flounder and me.
I waited at the baggage claim for my luggage and then boarded the bus for the Naval Special Warfare base. As we drove over the Coronado bridge, my mind flashed back to my first kiss with Erik. Gah, what was wrong with me? I had to push him out of my mind now, or there was no chance of me succeeding.
At least Officer Candidate School had been easy. Twelve weeks seemed like a breeze compared to what I was in for at BUD/S.
There was only one thing I dreaded more than seeing Erik.
Dirty Name.
I had studied so many videos since I’d left San Diego. And though it looked so easy on tape, it was a mental block for me now.
Like riding a bike had been.
Until Erik.
He had been the one to force me to overcome my biking fear.
I needed him to help me conquer my biggest fear of all. Dirty Name.
But I’d blown any opportunity of that happening.
At this point, it was psychological. It had to be.
As we passed the Del, my heart hitched. Seeing the pool where I had met Erik, passing his condo, gazing at the ocean where we had made love, it was too much for me. I had to stop thinking about him.
The bus pulled into the gate, and my heart pounded in my chest as I scanned the men for any sign of Erik. But luckily there wasn’t any. Blowing out a relieved breath, I focused on what was ahead of me. Tomorrow I would start with Physical Training Rehabilitation and Remediation for a few weeks before I joined the Indoctrination Phase.
Then I would start First Phase. The first woman in history to be in BUD/S.
I couldn’t wait. Bring it.
One more step toward my goal. My destiny. My future.
If I failed, then I would have given up my love for nothing.
But if I succeeded, then maybe it would be worth it. Maybe Erik would even understand that I had had no choice but to break up with him. I would be able to prove to him that a woman could pass BUD/S and he would finally realize how wrong he had been.
He would forgive me for deceiving him, and I would forgive him for his antiquated views.
Any maybe he would love me again.
Aria
Today was the first day of BUD/S.
I had been surprised when I had found out that I wasn’t the only female in the pipeline.
But it didn’t matter. I was the only one who remained.
One hundred twelve men and three women entered the pre-training program five weeks ago.
Eighty men and one woman remained.
I was officially the first female to ever join BUD/S.
Hooyah! Let’s do this.
I glanced around the outside near the barracks. The concrete was damp from the early morning dew, but I knew soon enough it would be drenched in sweat and water, sprayed from hoses of our instructors.
Travis, a tall, skinny eighteen-year-old boy from Minnesota, stood next to me, both of us shivering in the cold pre-dawn air. “You ready? Someone always drops night one.”
I looked at him dead on and punched his arm. I knew the key to succeeding was being treated like one of the guys. “Absolutely. Bring it.”
“Awesome. Let’s warm up.” He dropped to the ground and attempted some flutter kicks.
Before I dropped down also, I studied his form. “Hey, I noticed you rest your legs on the ground between sets.”
He nodded. “Yeah. I want to take a break every chance I get. They will destroy us.”
“No, don’t do that. I’m a swimmer. You need those hip flexors strong, so we can pass our ocean swim test. Let me show you a good stretch.” I knelt next to him and showed him how to stretch deep, putting him in the correct position. He returned the favor by placing pressure on my back and helping me deepen my own stretch.
“Thanks, Demi. I hope you make it. I’m rooting for you.”
Demi. My newly anointed nickname. G.I. Jane in the flesh. I smiled, touched by his support. Just like in synchro, I knew I was only as strong as my partner. “Hey, let’s make a pact. Let’s promise each other we won’t quit. We can be swim buddies.”
He hesitated. Maybe he didn’t want to be paired with a woman.
“I’d be honored. Hooyah.”
“Hooyah.”
I was pumped. I couldn’t wait. Nothing could stop me now.
We stood in line, next to the other men. Six SEALs in dark blue instructor shirts ran out. I scanned their faces, preparing myself to meet for the first time the men who would train us.
But as the first instructor stood in front of the group, I gasped.
A man stood front and center. His dark bangs, skimming his deep blue bedroom eyes. His tanned, tatt
ooed arms flexing under his shirt. His perfectly chiseled face and strong jaw sneering at me.
Oh fuck. Oh no.
It was Erik.
My heart dropped, and my legs quivered.
His eyes met mine, and I forced myself to keep my gaze steady as my bottom lip quivered. A sudden coldness hit my core, and it wasn’t from the chilly winter night. I blinked back tears. I refused to cry. The first female BUD/S candidate couldn’t cry under any circumstances.
It couldn’t be him. This couldn’t be happening to me. What was this cruel twist of fate? All the ways I’d dreamed of us meeting again, this had never been in the realm of possibilities.
All my hard work would be for nothing.
For the first time since I’d set out to become a SEAL, I doubted that I would succeed. And it wasn’t because of my physicality. It was a mental game. Erik knew me better than anyone. I had confessed to him my insecurities and confided in him about my father. He knew me.
And he could break me.
My mind failed to comprehend what he was yelling about, unable to grasp the depth of my nightmare.
For Erik—my ex, the man I’d lied to and left, the only guy I’d ever loved was my instructor.
And I was his student.
Erik
The second my shift was over, I bolted out of the compound. Fuck my fucking life. Aria was the first female in BUD/S. I couldn’t believe it even though I had seen her with my own eyes.
I hadn’t been blind. I had suspected her plan once but then dismissed it as me being paranoid.
I walked into my office and slammed the door behind me.
But no sooner than I had sat down, Kyle appeared at my door. He knocked, and I signaled for him to come in.
“Commander Anderson, I’d like a word.” His face was stern, his brow furrowed.
Oh fuck. “Sure, sir.”
Kyle sat in front of me. “By now you know about Aria. I wanted to warn you sooner, but I was forbidden by the Admiral to tell you. He wants her to succeed. He didn’t want to risk you getting upset and approaching her during Indoc and convincing her to quit.”
The Admiral knew? This was even worse than I imagined. “I understand. I swear I had no idea she planned to be a SEAL.”
He nodded. “I believe you. But the problem is, the media doesn’t.”
The media? What the fuck was he talking about? “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand what you are talking about.”
He grabbed his phone and handed it to me. “Here.”
My eyes focused on the screen. An article from Daily Mail. I read the headline, and my heart sank.
“EXCLUSIVE: This is the hunky Navy SEAL boyfriend of Olympic Gold Medalist Aria Clements—who inspired her to become the first female Navy SEAL.”
What the fuck? There was a fucking picture of me staring at her in the pool at the Del, wearing that ridiculous sparkly pink tail.
I forced myself to read on. My stomach was completely nauseated as I realized my career was over.
Aria Clements, 23, had been dating military officer 25-year-old Erik Anderson last summer.
The couple met in Coronado where he is based at the Naval Amphibious Base.
Aria, a graduate of Stanford University, won the Olympic Gold medal in synchronized swimming at the last summer games.
A top graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, Erik was described in his yearbook as “known for his love of fast cars and faster women.”
My blood boiled and every muscle in my entire body tensed. My name, my picture was splashed over the internet. I swiped back on his phone to the news feed, and my fears were realized. It was the number one story on the site.
Fuck. My. Life.
I slammed my fist into the desk.
Kyle stood up and placed a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, man. This will die down. My name and face were on the cover of People when I married Sara. And I’m still here.”
“I’m begging you, sir. Please put me on Second Phase and then switch me back to First Phase when she quits. I can’t see her. I can’t be around her.”
Kyle shook his head. “I’d love to, but my hands are tied. The Admiral believes that you are the only person who can help her pass. You will remain a First Phase instructor.”
God no. “Sir, no. I can’t. I won’t help her. She lied to me. She betrayed me.”
“Look Anderson. This is work, suck it up. She’s a job to you now. The thing is everyone believes she is qualified and they want to see a woman graduate. She was in the top ten of her Indoc class. I’m ordering you to help her. Not bend our standards, we will never do that. But you will help her. As her instructor. You are strictly forbidden from seeing her during your off time. I mean it. I’m sorry. This will all blow over once she graduates.”
“If she graduates.”
He glared at me. “She will graduate. Be sure of it. In fact, make sure of it. Good night.”
Kyle walked out of the room, and I grabbed my own phone. It was lit up with hundreds of texts and missed calls. My email box was also flooded.
Fuck. I’d be the laughing stock of the SEAL team.
I found the flask of whiskey in my drawer and knocked back a drink. But even the liquor did little to calm my nerves.
I would be her instructor, but I would teach her the same as any other candidate. I would not help her outside of class. She would get no special treatment.
Since she’d vanished from my life, I’d missed her. Every day of my last deployment I fantasized about fucking her again, even just spending the day with her.
But no more.
Yes, I had loved her.
But I despised her now. That bitch had used me. And the only thing I was certain of at this moment was that I would never love her again.
Aria
The instructors ran us ragged for eight hours straight, changing shifts halfway through. Four men had rung the bell before the night was over. Once realization set in that the instructors weren’t going to let up, that this torture was only the beginning, the men who were not committed bailed.
But I remained.
We were finally dismissed to our barracks rooms. I had been lucky enough to live alone since I was the only woman left. The rest of the men went to the chow hall and hit the showers.
But I had to find Erik.
BUD/S candidates were allowed to leave the base. Some of the married ones even lived in town with their wives and kids.
I flashed my ID and walked off base. Seven months ago, I had only been allowed on base with Erik. Now, I had my own ID card.
Though my calves burned, I ran across the beach. Straight to Erik’s condo.
I pressed the elevator and exited on his floor, remembering the first night he brought me here after we had made love in the ocean.
I stood in front of his door, working up the urge to knock. I finally rang the doorbell. After a few agonizing seconds, the door flew open.
Erik stood there, his hair wet, his shirt off, in nothing but a towel.
His body looked even more ripped than I had remembered. How was that even possible? His skin was tanner; his muscles were bigger; his abs were more defined.
Fuck, was he trying to torture me?
His fresh woodsy scent drove me wild, and I couldn’t help but stare at his happy trail that led to his beautiful cock. I wanted to pounce on him like a feral cat, suck him off, make him need me, show him how much I loved him.
His eyes scanned the hallway, then without a word, he grasped my arm and pulled me inside.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Aria? You can’t come to my place. I’m your fucking instructor. You got that? Get the fuck out of here.”
“No, please.” I pleaded. “Just give me five minutes.”
“Five minutes? No. You don’t get to talk, woman. I’m in control. I’m in charge. You fucking used me, dammit. You used me to get an edge in training. How dare you show up here tonight. Who the hell do you think you are? You ruined my fucking l
ife. I wish I never met you.”
His words hurt worse than the four hundred pushups he had inflicted on me earlier.
“How did I ruin your life?”
He grabbed his phone and thrust it into my hand. “This. Have you seen this?”
One look at the screen and guilt consumed me. There was a picture of Erik and me in the pool at the Del staring at each other. There was another picture of us dressed as Wonder Woman and Aquaman at Isa’s party. And a final picture of us on the “O” course, with him helping me with Dirty Name.
“Oh my god. No, Erik. I had no idea. None. You have to believe me! Who took these pictures? Who sold them? I know it wasn’t Isa, she would never—”
A vein popped on his neck. “I don’t give a fuck who took the pictures. They are out there. You have ruined my career.”
“I’m so sorry, Erik. I never wanted to hurt you. I tried to tell you, but I was scared about how you would react.”
He pointed his finger at me. “Did you ever think that when this got out, you would ruin my career? No, you didn’t. You are too self-absorbed to think of anyone but yourself.”
A lump grew in my throat. “That’s not fair. There is no way I could predict this happening.”
“I don’t care if you are the first woman in BUD/S. You will fail. I’ll make fucking sure of it. You will ring that fucking bell. Not because you’re not strong enough, not because you lack endurance, but because you’re a liar. You’re deceptive. You have no integrity. You don’t have what it takes to be a SEAL. Now get the fuck out of here.”
I dropped to my knees. “Please. I’m begging you. Just please listen to me. I love you.”
His eyes shot daggers at me. “Love me? You love me? You don’t have a fucking clue what love is. I would’ve done anything for you. Anything. Do you know that? I was crazy about you. I saw a future with us. But you used me. You ghosted me. And now you show up here and make me the laughing stock of the Teams. You make me sick. I can never be with you. Never.”
Heroes Ever After Boxset: Books 1-3 Page 29
