by K. R. Reese
Maci took my warning seriously, and Ben hasn’t been at the house. She goes out to meet him regularly, though, and usually doesn’t come home until morning. Yet I’m forced to act like it doesn’t bother me, that I’m perfectly okay with the path she’s chosen. I’ve gone and picked her up on multiple occasions after she’s gone out to a party and got separated from Ben. I know I shouldn’t keep playing into her charade, but I can’t leave her stranded either. While Mitch claims they’re completely platonic now, I have a hard time believing that. I hate myself for not trusting her every bit as much as I worry she’s still struggling with the cocaine.
It doesn’t matter anyway. At least, it shouldn’t matter. I’ve been clean and sober for months. I’ve started seeing a therapist and I attend NA meetings twice a week. Even with all I’ve done, Maci deserves someone who has their shit together. Someone who can help her with her own addiction. Because that someone isn’t me. I don’t think it’s this friend of hers either, since it seems he’s heavier into it than any of us. But I can’t demand she stop seeing him.
***
One night weeks later, my phone rings on my bedside table and pulls me from sleep.
Maci, the display reads. Accept or decline.
I sigh and sit up, grabbing the phone as I go. It stops a few seconds as I sit against my headboard, but quickly starts again.
“Mace, do you have any idea what time it is? You can’t keep…”
I’m cut off by a frantic voice that isn’t Maci’s.
“She won’t wake up. I didn’t know who else to call.”
I’m wide awake now, my pulse hammering in my ears. “Who is this?” My voice is rough, but not from sleep.
“Ben. I…I haven’t met you. But Maci talks about you all the time, and I couldn’t reach Mitch.”
I’m already throwing on whatever clothes I can find and dashing out the door. “Send me the address. Now.” I hang up and as soon as the text comes through, I’m headed to her. Again.
Maci’s laugh swims through my head and, for a second, I wonder if I’ll ever hear it again. My chest constricts and I fight the burning in my eyes. The truth hurts. And my truth? I may love a lost cause. I lost myself in Maci the same way I did cocaine, and then I pulled her down with me even if it wasn’t intentional. I’ll always have to live with that.
***
The sun is coming up in the sky by the time I pound on the door until it feels like my fist will punch through. I hardly remember the drive here, my thoughts consumed with what I’m going to walk in on.
“Answer the fucking door, Ben!” I roar and continue pounding.
The door finally swings open, banging against the wall. I’ve never met the person standing before me, but I recognize him right away.
“I’ll deal with you later. Where is she?”
I follow him through the small house to a room in the back. Maci’s on the floor beside the bed, eyes closed, and hair tangled. And I know this is messed up.
“She woke up once since I called, but I couldn’t understand her…”
“Get out!” I yell and he visibly flinches. He should be scared of me. My mind isn’t in the right place to deal with him. He closes the door as he goes.
I lean down beside Maci and nudge her. “Open your eyes, Mace.” I touch her arms, her face, her back. “Please, please, Maci…” I cry. I don’t care anymore, I let the tears fall.
When her eyelids flutter open, it’s not the granite color I was expecting. Instead, the amber eyes I haven’t seen in so long stare back at me. Before I can form a thought or say something, she begins to retch. I help her roll onto her side.
“You’re okay, Maci,” I say softly, moving hair away from her face. “Tell me what to do.”
“It hurts, Levi,” she groans between clenched teeth. “I need it.”
I pull back and stare at her. “You don’t need it, Mace. This is the worst of it. No more. Please, just try. Try for me. Try for yourself.” She keeps asking over and over again. “Mace, ssh, be quiet. You’re okay.”
Defeated, she clutches my shirt and her tears fall with mine. “Don’t leave me, Levi.”
“I won’t,” I say. “I would never.” I kiss the top of her head.
If only I knew that this wouldn’t be the last time I had to come to her rescue.
Chapter 34
Maci
I open my eyes briefly, the sun streaming through the blinds. My throat is raw and feels like the desert, my tongue like cotton. I hadn’t planned on staying late. Thanks a lot, Mitch. Sometimes my brother causes more problems than he solves. Then again, if he knew what I’d been doing all night, he wouldn’t have invited me to tag along.
I glance over at the naked guy sleeping next to me. What was his name again? Marcus? Or maybe it was Devin…
Since Levi came to my rescue months ago after Ben’s call, I’ve stuck to only alcohol. I know going out to parties is a slippery slope of temptation, but I fill my time with other things that are just as distracting. So, it’s not unlike me to stay the night with some nameless guy I just met. But I can’t find my phone and make an escape with a quick call to Levi like I usually do. He hates the calls, but he obliges every time.
You’re making poor decisions, Mace. One day it’ll get you hurt. As I stare at the guy whose name I don’t remember, Levi’s words drift through my mind. Logically, I know he’s right. I’m careless. Reckless. Desperate to feel…anything. I use meaningless sex as a shield, just like I used cocaine. I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be, but this gives me the connection – the feelings – I need to get through each day without the haze of drugs.
I nudge nameless guy’s shoulder and his eyes blink open slowly. Golden brown, a stark contrast to the ocean blue I love so much, shine back at me before he winces and closes them again. I shove him this time.
“Not happening. I need a ride.” I climb out of bed and look around for my clothes. I find them haphazardly around the room; we clearly didn’t care where they landed last night. This morning? Whatever. Golden eyes stands and stretches to his full height. He’s at least a foot taller than Levi, but whereas Levi’s been working out at the gym and is built, this guy is slim. It’s not what I usually go for, and he smirks like I’m checking him out. What the hell had I been thinking last night? Truth is, I probably wasn’t thinking.
I swallow the lump in my throat and push the nagging thoughts away. Guilt. Denial. All emotions I’m very familiar with.
“Sure, you don’t want a different kind of ride before I take you home?”
Smirk firmly in place, his voice pulls me from my thoughts. I glare at him. “I’m a one and done kind of girl. Sorry.” I shrug and head out of the room, reaching in my handbag for the cigarettes I know are there. They’re a poor substitute, but it’s better than a constant craving. I light one as soon as I step out on the porch.
If he’s disappointed, he doesn’t show it when we get into his car. I tell him to drop me off at the main part of campus; there’s no way I’m giving him our home address. While he was good, as far as I can remember, he wasn’t that good. Levi and Mitch wouldn’t appreciate it if they had to run him off.
Once I’m on campus, and nameless guy has long since gone, I wander to the closest restroom to fix my hair and makeup. I scowl at my reflection in the mirror. While my eyes are clear and the color isn’t tainted by drugs, there are rings of eyeliner under my eyes, my hair is a knotted mess and standing up on one side. Unfortunately, this is a common image anymore; I’m well prepared for this. I rummage through my bag for what I need. Wiping away the residue left over from last night, I go to work on my hair. There isn’t much to be done without a shower, but I make it semi-presentable. After a quick perusal, I’m satisfied by the reflection staring back at me.
As I exit the main doors, the brilliant sun makes it hard to see anything. A few seconds later, I’m pulling my phone I found stashed in the bottom of my bag out and call for a ride. It rings once, twice, three times before I hear
Levi’s voice on the other line. It’s muffled, tired from sleep, but I know he’ll come get me if I ask.
“Good morning to you, too, sunshine. Can you come pick me up, please?”
I inhale my cigarette, listening to him groan before he starts to shuffle the phone. “This is getting old, Mace,” he grumbles. But I know he doesn’t mean it. He never does. Levi always has my back, just like Mitch, whenever I need them. Unfortunately for Levi, I won’t call my brother to pick me up from my one-night escapades. Lectures aren’t my thing, and Mitch can deal them out in spades. Levi lectures me, too, but not nearly as much.
“Oh, come on, Levi. It isn’t that far. I’m just on campus.”
I hear him sigh again before a car door slams. A grin graces my lips because I know he’s on his way.
A few minutes later, I spot his car come into the lot and wait on the sidewalk. He’s upgraded from the old rust bucket he had that first night he picked me up from Rick’s. Now, he has a shiny blue Cobalt that I love. When he stops in front of me, I slide into the passenger seat and we speed toward home.
Home. For a long time, that was a foreign concept. We didn’t have a home after our mom passed. Mitch and I had the structure, but it was cold and filled with lurking monsters. Rick’s house was the same. Until we moved in with Levi, we didn’t know the feeling of home.
I stare at Levi now, dark circles under his eyes and his brow pinched tight. His mouth is set in a grim, straight line and he hasn’t spoken one word since we got off the phone.
“Come on, Levi, I know you’re holding your breath to say something. Spit it out.” I hear him exhale before he starts.
“Mace, how many times do I have to tell you that you could get hurt? How many times are you going to do this before something happens?”
Again. He doesn’t say it, but that’s what we’re both thinking. Ben called him last time when the withdrawal was so bad, I thought I was dying. But I got through it. I got clean. With Levi’s help. His voice now, though, is low and menacing. This lecture is different. Violent. The anger radiating from him is something I’ve never seen from Levi before. Mitchell, I’ve seen and heard this a lot, but not Levi. He’s the calm and collected one of all of us.
“How many times have I told you that I can take care of myself?” I cross my arms over my chest and stare straight ahead. I don’t want to have this argument. Not now. Not ever. I know they’re worried about me. We all took to sobriety differently once we were done with the cocaine. Whereas they’re happy and accomplishing things, I’m still in a spiral. I know I’m acting like a child that’s doing very adult things. But it’s the only way I know how to be without reverting to the scared girl I used to be. I won’t do that; I won’t go backward. Mitch and Levi have to let me live my life.
“Maci, one of these days, we aren’t going to be there to protect you. Then what? A phone call away doesn’t apply when you’re outnumbered or outweighed. You know it. I know it. Mitch chooses to ignore your poor behavior. But I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Either bring the guy home,” he spits the words like they’re venom on his tongue. “Or you can find your own way home. I’m done being your savior, Mace. It’s killing me.”
Chapter 35
Levi
I finish my tantrum, knuckles white against the steering wheel. Maci’s staring at me, mouth agape. Silent. We were always so close, then everything fell apart. After I helped Maci with the hardest part of getting clean, I thought we would be okay. That, maybe, we could try to be real.
Over the months since, I’ve realized she doesn’t feel for me like I do her. And since I’m in love with her, I can’t keep picking her up after she’s spent the night with someone else. It may be jealousy talking, but it’s still torture.
I shove the thought aside and keep my eyes on the road. Maci still hasn’t said anything, but she hasn’t taken her eyes off me either.
Finally, I speak again. “Look, Mace, you know I’m here for you. You know I’ll destroy anyone who fucks with you. But the choices you’re making, the situations you’re putting yourself in? I can’t keep coming to the rescue every time my phone rings. It isn’t healthy. For either of us.”
It’s dependence, just like drugs. I don’t tell her that. She doesn’t appreciate anything that’s said by my therapist or at the NA meetings. I know she doesn’t want to hear it. Maci has completely thrown caution to the wind, and I have no idea where she is most of the time. I hate it.
“This is who I am, Levi, and if you can’t accept that then maybe we aren’t friends at all.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, but I hear her. This is her defense. She throws up all her walls and pushes people away. It works on everyone she meets. That’s why Ben went back to New York. That’s why Mitch keeps his distance most of the time. But it won’t work on me. We’ve been through too much, have been together through most of it. Try as she might, I’ll break down her walls all over again if I have to.
“You and I both know this isn’t who you are. It’s who you’ve chosen to be, and who you’re becoming more every day. I never said you weren’t allowed to change, Mace, but this is drastic, even for you.”
She scoffs at me, fire blazing in her eyes. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Levi? What, I’m not the fragile little girl anymore? Last I checked, you and Mitch were worse than me. Do you know how many nights I paced the floor and waited awake for you to come home? How often I worried I’d never see one of you again? That tonight would be the night that the hospital called, or the police showed up at the door? That’s right, you don’t know any of that, because you never cared to ask. Either of you.”
I clench my jaw tight. Maci’s right, we used to be that way. But once we were clean, we stopped partying as often and focused on school. Maci didn’t stop. And she didn’t go back to school. She still goes to parties and gets drunk. She doesn’t come home. She’s always had a destructive side of her. But this person, this Maci, is more than destructive. She’s hellbent on burning everything in her path and taking the world down with her. All I can do is watch it happen from the sideline.
“What it means, Maci, is that you need to choose. If you’re going to keep partying and drinking, disappearing all the time. You need to find somewhere else to stay.”
I watch as her eyes widen then fill with tears. It makes me feel like an ass, and I want to take it back, but I don’t. I can’t. She needs to make the right choice on her own. I can’t be the one to do it for her. I pull into the driveway at the house. “You would kick me out? Just like that?” When I don’t answer, she throws open her door and gets out. “I’ll be out of here by tomorrow before you get home.”
I watch her walk away. I’ll catch hell from Mitch later, but it had to be done. That’s not the choice I expected her to make though.
***
As expected, Mitch was pissed when we came home the next day and found all of Maci’s stuff gone. I didn’t lie to him, and I told him I had kicked her out. There’s still a riff in our friendship. When he called Maci to see where she was, she told him that she didn’t want to be found. That’s how it’s been since. Though I know it kills him every day to not have contact with his sister.
Mitch thought about hiring a private investigator, but then changed his mind. I had thought about it, too, but I was giving her what she had wanted – to be left alone.
The past several months without Maci have been insignificant. I’ve done everything I can to forget her aside from sleeping with other women and turning to other vices. But nothing has stopped my mind from wandering, wondering how she is and where she is.
Knowing the condition she was in when she left has played havoc on my mind. Mitch and I had got her clean and off cocaine. I had been harsh that last day, but I needed it to be said. It was unhealthy for both of us that I kept running every time she called. She had traded one dependence for another. Though I’m not sure it’s any healthier now that she’s gone.
The instinct to be at her side is overwhelming. I know
it was shitty of me to ditch her when she was still in detox mode. It’s the reality that she didn’t care enough to choose me over the parties. But then giving her an ultimatum like that makes me the selfish one.
Mitch has been gone most of the day, so I’m confused when the doorbell rings and pulls me from my thoughts. I hesitate to answer it since we don’t get unexpected visitors, and most of the people we know wouldn’t show up here.
Sighing, I pull open the door to find two unexpected visitors on my porch. My eyes are only drawn to one of them.
“Maci,” I whisper.
Chapter 36
Maci
When Levi kicked me out, I had nowhere to go. At the time, I was angry. At Levi. At Mitch. But it didn’t take me long to become angry at myself and realize it was my fault. While I thought he had given up on me, I know that wasn’t the case now.
So, I lied to my brother. I told Mitch I didn’t want to be found over and over until I finally changed my number. I called the only other person I knew I could. The only other person who knew my past and I was confident would help me.
Ben invited me back into his home, though I had been a complete failure to him, too, and to our friendship. He had cleaned up, started school, and was getting his life together. That’s when I knew I had gone to the right place.
I went into a ninety-day rehab program in New York. While I hadn’t used again, it would have only been a short time before I did. Ben visited once a week and kept me company. I valued his friendship and knew it was wrong to have ever gone past that.
After I was released from the program, I felt a lot better about myself. The group and individual therapy sessions helped with my addiction to cocaine, but also the trauma my father and Rick caused. I still had a long way to go, but I wanted to go home first. I wanted to see Mitch and Levi. I was unsure of the reception I’d receive though.
