Bedside Manner

by Joseph Samachson

I were beautiful, they might forget aboutyou. I'm just plain enough for them to wonder why you ever marriedanyone so ordinary. I'm just the kind of person to supply background foryou."

  * * * * *

  After a moment he said slowly, "I never knew you had ideas like thatabout me. They're silly ideas. I married you because I loved you."

  "Maybe you did. But _why_ did you love me?"

  He said patiently, "Let's not go into that. The fact is, Margaret, thatyou're talking nonsense. I don't give a damn whether you're ugly orbeautiful--well, no, that isn't strictly true. I do care--but looksaren't the most important thing. They have very little to do with theway I feel about you. I love you for the kind of person you are.Everything else is secondary."

  "Please, Fred, don't lie to me. I want to be the same as before, becauseI know that's the way you want me. Isn't there some way to let theDoctor know what sort of appearance we made? You have--had--a good eye.Maybe you could describe us--"

  "Be reasonable, Margaret. You ought to know that you can't tell anythingfrom a description." His voice was almost pleading. "Let's leave wellenough alone. I don't care if your features do come out of the picturesin a physiology textbook--"

  "Fred!" she said excitedly. "That's it! Pictures! Remember that stereoshot we had taken just before we left Mars? It must be somewhere on theship--"

  "But the ship was crushed, darling. It's a total wreck."

  "Not completely. If they could take _us_ out alive, there must have beensome unhurt portions left. Maybe the stereo is still there!"

  "Margaret, you're asking the impossible. We don't know where the shipis. This group the Doctor is with is on a scouting expedition. The wreckof our ship may have been left far behind. They're not going to retracetheir tracks just to find it."

  "But it's the only way ... the only way! There's nothing else--"

  She broke down. If she had possessed eyes, she would have wept--but asit was, she could weep only internally.

  They must have taken him away, for there was no answer to her tearlesssobbing. And after a time, she felt suddenly that there was nothing tocry about. She felt, in fact, gay and cheerful--and the thought struckher: _The Doctor's given me another drug. He doesn't want me to cry.Very well, I won't. I'll think of things to make me happy, I'll bubbleover with good spirits--_

  Instead, she fell into a dreamless sleep.

  * * * * *

  When she awoke again, she thought of the conversation with Fred, and thefeeling of desperation returned. _I'll have to tell the Doctor all aboutit_, she thought. _I'll have to see what he can do. I know it's askingan awful lot, but without it, all the rest he has done for me won'tcount. Better to be dead than be different from what I was._

  But it wasn't necessary to tell the Doctor. Fred had spoken to himfirst.

  _So Fred admits it's important too. He won't be able to deny any longerthat I judged him correctly._

  The Doctor said, "What you are asking is impossible."

  "Impossible? You won't even try?"

  "My dear patient, the wrecked ship is hundreds of millions of milesbehind us. The expedition has its appointed task. It cannot retrace itssteps. It cannot waste time searching the emptiness of space for astereo which may not even exist any longer."

  "Yes, you're right ... I'm sorry I asked, Doctor."

  He read either her mind or the hopelessness in her voice. He said, "Donot make any rash plans. You cannot carry them out, you know."

  "I'll find a way. Sooner or later I'll find a way to do something tomyself."

  "You are being very foolish. I cannot cease to marvel at how foolish youare. Are many human beings like you, psychologically?"

  "I don't know, Doctor. I don't care. I know only what's important tome!"

  "But to make such a fuss about the merest trifle! The difference inappearance between one human being and another of the same sex, so faras we can see, is insignificant. You must learn to regard it in its truelight."

  "You think it's insignificant because you don't know anything about menand women. To Fred and me, it's the difference between life and death."

  He said in exasperation, "You are a race of children. But sometimes evena child must be humored. I shall see what I can do."

  But what could he do? she asked herself. The ship was a derelict inspace, and in it, floating between the stars, was the stereo he wouldn'tmake an attempt to find. Would he try to get a description from Fred?Even the best human artist couldn't produce much of a likeness from amere verbal description. What could someone like the Doctor do--someoneto whom all men looked alike, and all women?

  * * * * *

  As she lay there, thinking and wondering, she had only the vaguest ideaof the passage of time. But slowly, as what must have been day followedday, she became aware of strange tingling sensations all over her body.The pains she had felt at first had slowly diminished and then vanishedaltogether. What she felt now was not pain at all. It was even mildlypleasant, as if some one were gently massaging her body, stretching hermuscles, tugging at her--

  Suddenly she realized what it was: New limbs were growing. Her internalorgans must have developed properly, and now the Doctor had gone aheadwith the rest of his treatment.

  With the realization, tears began to roll down her cheeks. _Tears_, shethought, _real tears--I can feel them. I'm getting arms and legs, and Ican shed tears. But I still have no eyes._

  _But maybe they're growing in.... From time to time I seem to seeflashes of light. Maybe he's making them develop slowly, and he put thetear ducts in order first. I'll have to tell him that my eyes must beblue. Maybe I never was beautiful, but I always had pretty eyes. I don'twant any different color. They wouldn't go with my face._

  The next time the Doctor spoke to her, she told him.

  "You may have your way," he said good-naturedly, as if humoring a child.

  "And, Doctor, about finding the ship again--"

  "Out of the question, as I told you. However, it will not be necessary."He paused, as if savoring what he had to tell her. "I checked with ourrecords department. As might have been expected, they searched yourshattered ship thoroughly, in the hope of finding information that mightcontribute to our understanding of your race. They have the stereos,about a dozen of them."

  "A _dozen_ stereos? But I thought--"

  "In your excitement, you may have forgotten that there were more thanone. All of them seem to be of yourself and your husband. However, theywere obviously taken under a wide variety of conditions, and with a widevariety of equipment, for there are certain minor differences betweenthem which even I, with my non-human vision, can detect. Perhaps you cantell us which one you prefer us to use as a model."

  She said slowly, "I had better talk about that with my husband. Can youhave him brought in here, Doctor?"

  "Of course."

  * * * * *

  She lay there, thinking. A dozen stereos. And there was still only onethat she remembered. Only a single one. They had posed for others,during the honeymoon and shortly after, but those had been left at homeon Mars before they started on their trip.

  Fred's new voice said, "How are you feeling, dear?"

  "Strange. I seem to have new limbs growing in."

  "So do I. Guess we'll be our old selves pretty soon."

  "Will we?"

  She could imagine his forehead wrinkling at the intonation of her voice."What do you mean, Margaret?"

  "Hasn't the Doctor told you? They have the stereos they found on ourship. Now they can model our new faces after our old."

  "That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

  "But what do _you_ want, Fred? I remember only a single one, and theDoctor says they found a dozen. And he says that my face differs fromshot to shot."

  Fred was silent.

  "Are they as beautiful as all that, Fred?"

  "You don't understand, Margaret."

  "I u
nderstand only too well. I just want to know--were they taken beforewe were married or after?"

  "Before, of course. I haven't gone out with another girl since ourwedding."

  "Thank you, dear." Her own new voice had venom in it, and she caughtherself. _I mustn't talk like that_, she thought. _I know Fred, I knowhis weakness. I knew them before I married him. I have to accept themand help him, not rant at him for them._

  He said, "They were just girls I knew casually. Good-looking, butnothing much otherwise. Not in a class with you."

  "Don't apologize." This time her voice was calm, even amused. "Youcouldn't help attracting them. Why didn't you tell me that you kepttheir pictures?"

  "I thought you'd be jealous."

  "Perhaps I would have been, but I'd have got over it. Anyway, Fred, isthere any one of them you liked particularly?"

  * * * * *

  He became wary, she thought. His voice was expressionless as he said,"No. Why?"

  "Oh, I thought that perhaps you'd want the Doctor to make me look likeher."

  "Don't be silly, Margaret! I don't want you to look like anybody butyourself. I don't want to see their empty faces ever again!"

  "But I thought--"

  "Tell the Doctor to keep the other stereos. Let him put them in one ofhis museums, with other dead things. They don't mean anything to me anymore. They haven't meant anything for a long time. The only reason Ididn't throw them away is because I forgot they were there and didn'tthink of it."

  "All right, Fred. I'll tell him to use our picture as a model."

  "The AC studio shot. The close-up. Make sure he uses the right one."

  "I'll see that there's no mistake."

  "When I think I might have to look at one of _their_ mugs for the restof my life, I get a cold sweat. Don't take any chances, Margaret. It'syour face I want to see, and no one else's."

  "Yes, dear."

  _I'll be plain_, she thought, _but I'll wear well. A background alwayswears well. Time can't hurt it much, because there's nothing there tohurt._

  _There's one thing I overlooked, though. How old will we look? TheDoctor is rather insensitive about human faces, and he might age us abit. He mustn't do that. It'll be all right if he wants to make us alittle younger, but not older. I'll have to warn him._

  She warned him, and again he seemed rather amused at her.

  "All right," he said, "you will appear slightly younger. Not too muchso, however, for from my reading I judge it best for a human face toshow not too great a discrepancy from the physiological age."

  She breathed a sigh of relief. It was settled now, all settled.Everything would be as before--perhaps just a little better. She andFred could go back to their married life with the knowledge that theywould be as happy as ever. Nothing exuberant, of course, but as happy astheir own peculiar natures permitted. As happy as a plain and worriedwife and a handsome husband could ever be.

  * * * * *

  Now that this had been decided, the days passed slowly. Her arms andlegs grew, and her eyes too. She could feel the beginnings of fingersand toes, and on the sensitive optic nerve the flashes of light camewith greater and greater frequency. There were slight pains from time totime, but they were pains she welcomed. They were the pains of growth,of return to normalcy.

  And then came the day when the Doctor said, "You have recovered. Inanother day, as you measure time, I shall remove your bandages."

  Tears welled up in her new eyes. "Doctor, I don't know how to thankyou."

  "No thanks are needed. I have only done my work."

  "What will you do with us now?"

  "There is an old freighter of your people which we have found abandonedand adrift. We have repaired it and stocked it with food taken from yourown ship. You will awaken inside the freighter and be able to reach yourown people."

  "But won't I--can't I even get the chance to see you?"

  "That would be inadvisable. We have some perhaps peculiar ideas aboutkeeping our nature secret. That is why we shall take care that you carryaway nothing that we ourselves have made."

  "If I could only--well, even shake hands--do _something_--"

  "I have no hands."

  "No hands? But how could you--how can you--do such complicated things?"

  "I may not answer. I am sorry to leave you in a state of bewilderment,but I have no choice. Now, please, no more questions about me. Do youwish to talk to your husband for a time before you sleep again?"

  "Must I sleep? I feel so excited.... I want to get out of bed, tear offmy bandages, and see what I look like!"

  "I take it that you are not anxious to speak to your husband yet."

  "I want to see myself first!"

  "You will have to wait. During your last sleep, your new muscles will beexercised, their tones and strength built up. You will receive a finalmedical examination. It is most important."

  She started to protest once more, but he stopped her. "Try to be calm. Ican control your feelings with drugs, but it is better that you controlyourself. You will be able to give vent to your excitement later. Andnow I must leave you. You will not hear from me after this."

  "Never again?"

  "Never again. Goodbye."

  For a moment she felt something cool and dry and rough laid very lightlyagainst her forehead. She tried to reach for him, but could only twitchher new hands on her new wrists. She said, with a sob, "Goodbye,Doctor."

  When she spoke again, there was no answer.

  She slept.

  * * * * *

  This time, the awakening was different. Before she opened her eyes, sheheard the creaking of the freighter, and a slight hum that might havecome from the firing of the jets.

  As she tried to sit up, her eyes flashed open, and she saw that she waslying in a bunk, strapped down to keep from being thrown out.Unsteadily, she began to loosen the straps. When they were half off, shestopped to stare at her hands. They were strong hands, well-shaped andsupple, with a healthily tanned skin. She flexed them and unflexed themseveral times. Beautiful hands. The Doctor had done well by her.

  She finished undoing the straps, and got to her feet. There was none ofthe dizziness she had expected, none of the weakness that would havebeen normal after so long a stay in bed. She felt fine.

  She examined herself, staring at her legs, body--staring as she mighthave done at a stranger's legs and body. She took a few steps forwardand then back. Yes, he had done well by her. It was a graceful body, andit felt fine. Better than new.

  But her face!

  She whirled around to locate a mirror, and heard a voice: "Margaret!"

  Fred was getting out of another bunk. Their eyes sought each other'sfaces, and for a long moment they stared in silence.

  Fred said in a choked voice, "There must be a mirror in the captain'scabin. I've got to see myself."

  At the mirror, their eyes shifted from one face to the other and backagain. And the silence this time was longer, more painful.

  A wonderful artist, the Doctor. For a creature--a person--who wasinsensitive to the differences in human faces, he could follow a patternperfectly. Feature by feature, they were as before. Size and shape offorehead, dip of hairline, width of cheeks and height of cheekbones,shape and color of eyes, contour of nose and lips and chin--nothing inthe two faces had been changed. Nothing at all.

  Nothing, that is, but the overall effect. Nothing but the fact thatwhere before she had been plain, now she was beautiful.

  _I should have realized the possibility_, she thought. _Sometimes yousee two sisters, or mother and daughter, with the same features, thefaces as alike as if they had been cast from the same mold--and yet oneis ugly and the other beautiful. Many artists can copy features, but fewcan copy with perfect exactness either beauty or ugliness. The Doctorslipped up a little. Despite my warning, he's done too well by me._

  _And not well enough by Fred. Fred isn't handsome any more. Not uglyreally--h
is face is stronger and more interesting than it was. But nowI'm the good-looking one of the family. And he won't be able to take it.This is the end for us._

  * * * * *

  Fred was grinning at her. He said, "Wow, what a wife I've got! Just lookat you! Do you mind if I drool a bit?"

  She said uncertainly, "Fred, dear, I'm sorry."

  "For what? For his giving you more than you bargained for--and me less?It's all in the family!"

  "You don't have to pretend, Fred. I know how you feel."

  "You don't know a thing. I _asked_ him to make you beautiful. I wasn'tsure he could, but I asked him anyway. And he said he'd try."

  "You _asked_ him--oh, no!"

  "Oh, yes," he said. "Are you sorry? I hoped he'd do better for me,but--well, did you marry me for my looks?"

  "You know better, Fred!"

  "I didn't marry you for yours either. I told you that before, but youwouldn't believe me. Maybe now you will."

  Her voice choked. "Perhaps--perhaps looks aren't so important after all.Perhaps I've been all wrong about everything I used to think