The Amish Quiltmaker's Unruly In-Law

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  A lump of regret and longing lodged in his throat as he strained his ears to hear what they were saying. His heart sank when he heard Linda step into the house and Linda and Esther walk slowly down the hall. Linda didn’t smile when she saw him, but she didn’t look away either, as if she just didn’t care what he thought anymore, as if she’d grown indifferent in six short hours. She looked tired, but she was still the most beautiful girl Ben had ever seen.

  “You’re up early,” Cathy said. “Especially after our adventure last night.”

  Linda seemed to try harder for Cathy. She smiled, but her smile was anything but natural. “It was quite an adventure.” Her gaze flicked in Esther’s direction. “I suppose Ben told you all about it.”

  Esther pursed her lips. “I’m sorry you were involved.”

  “Well, I can’t say it was fun, but I can say I’ve never done anything like that before. My heart has never pounded so hard, like it was clawing to get out of my chest.” She held out her hand. “Look, I’m still shaking.”

  “That’s the adrenaline,” Cathy said. “It can last for hours.”

  The thought of Linda in danger made Ben physically ill and struck him dumb.

  “I’m sorry Ben put you through that,” Esther said.

  Linda gave Esther a small smile. “Cathy invited me, and I chose to go.”

  Esther frowned. “For sure and certain you didn’t know what you were getting into.”

  “Cathy said Ben was in trouble. That’s all I needed to hear.” Linda’s face turned red.

  Ben felt the warmth of Linda’s meaning like a mug of hot chocolate on a chilly night. The sensation spread from his chest through his entire body. She couldn’t know what those words meant to him. She cared about him. On some level, deep or shallow, she cared. “You . . . you probably weren’t expecting a fistfight or the police or Kevin.”

  “Or the Denver Broncos mailbox,” Cathy added.

  The ghost of a smile traveled across Linda’s face. “I definitely wasn’t expecting Kevin.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

  “I made the choice. I faced the consequences.” Something like painful resolve flashed in her eyes.

  After an awkward pause where Ben and Linda stared at each other for what seemed like three weeks, Linda turned away from him and squared her shoulders. Whatever had just passed between them disappeared like morning mist. Linda fished in her bag and pulled out two small bottles. “I brought some essential oils for Ben.”

  Essential oils. It had always been a joke between them. Ben longed to say something about peppermint or lavender or anything that would make Linda smile for real. But he couldn’t think of one thing. There was too much pain between them to find anything funny in their situation. He swallowed hard. He couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t the one responsible for that pain. Everything was his fault, but that didn’t mean he knew how to fix it.

  Linda handed the oils to Esther. “This is frankincense for the bruising. And this is myrrh for his cut lip.”

  “It’s Christmas in July,” Cathy said.

  Linda glanced at Ben’s leg, which was propped on Esther’s chair. “I should have brought something for his ankle.”

  Esther shook her head. “Frozen corn will do the trick.”

  “I’m . . . it’s okay. I’m fine,” Ben said.

  Esther and Linda both paused and looked at him as if he was making a nuisance of himself. Esther set the oils on the table. “Would you like to stay for breakfast, Linda? We’re having eggs and Raisin Bran.”

  “Denki,” Linda said. “But I don’t want to keep Freeman waiting. He was so kind to bring me.”

  Levi furrowed his brow, which was exactly what Ben would have done if he hadn’t been trying to hide his emotions. “It’s kind of early for a buggy ride,” Levi said.

  Linda seemed to want to look anywhere but at Ben. “Ach, I know. He comes every morning to help me with my chores. Mamm pays him extra money to care for our horses.”

  How long had this been going on? It couldn’t have been more than a few weeks. Linda hadn’t mentioned Freeman once in all the time they’d spent together.

  “Still,” Cathy said. “That’s going the extra mile to bring you here to Esther’s house on an errand.”

  Linda cleared her throat. “After what happened last night, Freeman told me he’d take me anywhere I wanted to go, day or night. I think he’s a little overanxious.”

  Cathy scrunched her lips together. “You don’t need Freeman. I’ll always take you wherever you want to go.”

  Jah. Linda should listen to Cathy. Ben ground his teeth together. He was the one who should be watching out for Linda, not some lovesick Amish boy who didn’t know a snowshoe from a water ski. Did Freeman know how to scare a bear away? Did he even know the first thing about paddling a canoe?

  Linda glanced at Ben and quickly looked away. “I have to go. Tell me how those essential oils work out.”

  “Denki for bringing them,” Esther said. She and Linda walked out of the kitchen. “Come anytime,” he heard Esther call. That was just wishful thinking. Ben had a feeling that as long as he was living here, Linda would refuse to cross Esther’s threshold.

  Like a winter avalanche, something big and wide shifted inside Ben. Here he was, again, sitting in Esther’s kitchen while she fussed and worried over him as if she truly cared about him, as if she loved him in spite of all the bad things he had done. Levi had welcomed Ben into his home as if Ben had never made a bad decision in his life, as if the things he’d done hadn’t irreparably hurt his family. Linda brought him essential oils as if she still considered him a friend, and she had looked at him like maybe she had spoken the truth when she’d told him she loved him.

  Esther came back into the kitchen and poured herself a bowl of Raisin Bran, watching Ben out of the corner of her eye the whole time. “Such a nice girl, that Linda.”

  “I always hear good sense from her mouth,” Levi said.

  Cathy folded her arms. “I know Freeman very well, and he’s a good sort of man. Anyone willing to drive Linda over here at seven in the morning sounds like he’s dedicated.”

  “Freeman doesn’t know how to ski,” Ben murmured. It was the worst thing Ben could say about him. Freeman was Ben’s superior in every way, and the truth felt like a hot coal against his skin.

  The avalanche inside Ben’s head finally buried him. He needed Linda like he needed to breathe, and he’d pushed her away and said a thousand terrible things and given her every reason to hate him. All because he was too afraid of loving her. Ben slid his leg off Esther’s chair, propped his elbows on the table, and buried his face in his hands. “Freeman deserves her. I never did,” he moaned. Great sobs wracked his body, and he lost himself to despair.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Beh? Beh? Onkel Beh.” Someone had taken Winnie out of her highchair, and she was standing next to Ben where he sat at the table. Watching Ben curiously, she patted his leg and babbled in her own special language, half Deitsch, half gibberish.

  “She said onkel,” Levi whispered, as if not wanting to interrupt the conversation between his daughter and his bruder.

  Ben couldn’t resist those wide, curious eyes. He took a deep breath, wiped his cheeks, and lifted Winnie onto his lap. Winnie turned around to look at him, took his face between her chubby hands, and kissed him on the nose. “Owie,” she said, tapping her finger to the bruise on his face.

  Esther, Levi, and Cathy sat around the table staring at him unapologetically, like he hadn’t just made a fool of himself. Levi tilted his head as if studying every line of Ben’s face. “Freeman Sensenig never got a kiss from Winnie. She saves them for only a handful of very special people.”

  “That doesn’t make me special,” Ben said. “Winnie just hasn’t met Freeman yet.”

  Esther scolded him with her eyes. “It makes you very special to me. How many people love my daughter the way you do?” Esther’s eyes softened at the corners. “You are the most f
rustrating boy I know. Next to Levi, of course.”

  Levi chuckled and tipped his head in her direction. “Denki, heartzley.”

  “I want to understand,” Esther said. “Why did you reject Linda? At the sand dunes, she told you she loved you, and you accused her of pretending. Why did you say all those hesslich things to her?”

  “And then you ran off, and we spent an hour looking for you,” Cathy said, as if Ben hadn’t heard it at least six times already.

  Esther reached out and squeezed Ben’s arm. “Did you really think Linda chose you as a project?”

  Ben lowered his eyes. He didn’t believe that then, and he certainly didn’t believe that now. But the truth was harder to explain, even harder to make them understand.

  Levi’s low voice felt like a warm blanket around Ben’s shoulders. “Ben doesn’t want to be hurt again.”

  Ben took a deep shuddering breath and tightened his arms around Winnie.

  Cathy narrowed her eyes. “Did your last girlfriend dump you?”

  “Nothing like that,” Levi said. He glanced at Esther with a sad smile on his face. “Ben fell in love with his schoolteacher.”

  Ben squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to block out the memory. It had dogged him for eight years.

  “Oh, dear,” Cathy said. “That sounds like a recipe for disaster.”

  Ben pressed his fingers to his forehead. Cathy had no idea.

  “Everybody in the community knows about it,” Esther said.

  “They don’t know the whole story.” Levi searched Ben’s face. Ben looked away. He didn’t care who knew. Levi took Ben’s avoidance as permission to tell. “The teacher, Magdalena, probably didn’t realize what she was doing, but she singled Ben out his last year of school. Some of die kinner called him the teacher’s pet. She praised his schoolwork when she should have been teaching him humility. She made him the teacher’s helper and gave him the biggest part in the Christmas play.”

  Ben winced, feeling the pain all over again.

  “Magdalena was pretty and sweet and gave him a lot of unnecessary attention.” Levi cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Ben. Do you mind if I tell this?”

  Ben turned his face away. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Esther patted him on the shoulder. “It’s your story, Ben. Tell us what happened.” The compassion in her voice nearly unraveled his composure, but Levi was going to sugarcoat it or get it wrong, and Esther needed to see once and for all what a hopeless boy he was. “It’s foolish, but I loved Magdalena.”

  “It’s not foolish,” said Esther. “You were fourteen years old.”

  Cathy nodded. “Teenage boys are not known for rational thought.”

  “I wanted to impress her, give her a big gift for Christmas. I didn’t have any money, and I couldn’t ask dat. So I stole a music box from a store and gave it to Magdalena as a gift. It was pretty and played music. She loved it until she found out it had been stolen. Then she was furious. I embarrassed her in front of the whole community. I damaged her reputation as a teacher. The school board talked about firing her.”

  Levi sighed. “I’ll not judge Magdalena, but she didn’t show Ben forgiveness. She wanted revenge.”

  “Or maybe just restitution,” Ben said.

  “She made sure everyone knew what Ben had done, made sure people knew it wasn’t her fault.”

  Ben pushed his fingers through his hair. “She made me sit in a corner for the rest of the school year. And she scolded the others if they were nice to me. She called me horrible names in front of the other children, making sure everyone knew that she felt nothing but disdain for me. She wanted to prove that she’d never liked me.”

  “I’m sorry,” Levi said. “I didn’t know that.”

  Ben couldn’t look at anyone. “My friends weren’t allowed to play with me. Their parents didn’t want their children associating with a thief.”

  “Parents don’t realize what they are teaching their children in the name of protecting them,” Cathy said. “But I suppose we all do things out of fear that we regret later. Fear shouldn’t be our reason for doing anything.”

  Ben drew his brows together. Sometimes Cathy said things that were worth paying attention to. “Wally was my only friend. No one liked him either.”

  “For a boy hungry for friendship and love,” Cathy said, “Wally must have been a life jacket in deep waters.”

  Ben nodded. “He was.” Despite all his faults, Wally had always stuck by Ben, until last night.

  Levi’s eyes pooled with tears. “Dat was harsh. Mamm was heartbroken. I should have been a better bruder to you.”

  “You were always a gute bruder, Levi.”

  “I wasn’t. You got into trouble because you were ashamed and hurt and you wanted to lash out and make people hurt as much as you were hurting. I had just started rumschpringe. I didn’t want to be bothered with you. I was finding my own way and didn’t like my little brother tagging along.”

  Ben eyed Levi as if he’d never seen him before. Levi thought Ben’s fall was his fault? “I don’t blame you, Levi.”

  “I blame myself.”

  Esther stirred her soggy cereal. “Linda didn’t seem to care about your past.”

  “I guess not.” They wouldn’t stop staring, and Ben was too tired to hide anymore. He kept his gaze glued to Winnie’s face. “I don’t want to love her. Loving someone gives them permission to hurt you.”

  “Love is not a weakness, Ben,” Esther said.

  “It is when you get hurt. Sooner or later, Linda was going to realize that she didn’t really love me. How could she love me?” He pointed to his swollen eye. “Look at me. No one could love this. No one could love who I truly am.”

  “Linda does.”

  Ben shook his head adamantly. “Not even Linda. And it was only a matter of time before she figured it out.”

  “So you accused her of making you her project so you wouldn’t have to tell her the truth.”

  “I don’t know what I did. I just had to get away from her.”

  Cathy acted as if she finally understood. “So you decided to speed up the process by hanging out with Zoe and spray painting Palmers’ barn. You’re just so dumb, Ben.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  Esther grabbed his hand as if to keep him from falling off a cliff. “No, you’re not,” she said, giving Cathy a reproachful look. “You’re smart and sweet, kind and loyal. Can’t you see that?”

  “All I can see is that I’ve lost Linda, and I can’t catch my breath because it hurts so much.”

  Levi stood and came around to Ben’s side of the table. “I’m going to be a better brother to you starting now.” Folding his arms, he leaned against the tabletop. “Linda still loves you.”

  Ben covered his face with his hand. “It’s too late. I’ve made too many mistakes. I’ve said too many things I can’t take back.”

  Levi planted a bracing grip on Ben’s shoulder. “Did you hear me, bruder? Linda still loves you. That means it’s not too late.”

  Ben blinked. “But how do you know?”

  Esther burst into a smile. “It’s obvious. She can’t keep her gaze away from you. And she didn’t need to bring those essential oils. You’ll be fine without them.”

  Cathy nodded. “Much as I hate to admit it, Esther is right, though I wish Linda had more sense than that. She loves you, not Freeman, though he is my first choice. Last night she was so worried about you, she didn’t care for her own safety. She ran into that house like she owned it. Didn’t even bother checking for guns.”

  Tears rolled down Ben’s face. “It’s too late. I’ve made too many mistakes.”

  “No one can sink so low that the light of God’s love can’t find him,” Levi said.

  Ben shook his head. “There are so many sins laid to my charge. How can I hope to earn God’s forgiveness?”

  “You don’t earn it, Ben. He gives it freely to the brokenhearted.”

  “Linda is always telling me I can’t escape th
e consequences of my choices. The way I’ve treated her . . . there’s no coming back from that. God might forgive me, but there’s no reason Linda would. I’ve hurt her. She’s smart enough to walk away. She doesn’t need or want the pain I’ve caused her. I’m not worthy of her love. I don’t know how to be the kind of man she deserves.”

  Esther took Winnie from Ben’s lap and handed him a tissue. “Of course you do. You’ve always been that person, but you’ve buried him so deep, you don’t think you can find him again.”

  Cathy scooted away from the table. “I’m not very impressed with you, Ben, but even I can see that you have some good qualities. You went back into the house last night to get Wally, even after he’d already refused to leave. Linda thinks you have a good heart, and I’m pretty sure she still loves you, or did until last night.”

  Ben fell silent. He barely dared hope, but hope was there, like a crack of light in a very dark place. If his foolishness hadn’t driven Linda completely away, if she still felt a sliver of love for him, maybe he had a chance. Maybe he could quit trying so hard to convince everyone he was a lost cause and start trying to be someone worthy of Linda’s heart.

  Ben looked into the faces surrounding him. “Is there . . . do you think there’s a chance for me?”

  Esther smiled. “Of course.”

  Levi placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “I want to help you. I want to be the bruder you needed eight years ago.”

  Esther bounced Winnie on her hip. “We all want to help you. We love you, Ben.”

  “I don’t know why,” he said, his voice cracking.

  “Neither do I,” said Cathy, “but for all your faults, you’re irresistibly lovable.”

  Ben’s heart tumbled all over itself. He loved Linda. He would let Gotte make him the kind of man Linda could love. His heart soared to the sky before crashing to the ground. “What if Linda marries Freeman before I can make it right?”