Heroes and a Hellhound: Book One

by Eleanor Rousseau

  I shifted on my spot on the sofa. I didn’t recall how I’d gotten there, but I appeared to be in Terra’s home. “Shit. I am never drinking again a day in my life… except maybe from right now… hair of the dog.” I pulled a flask from my pocket and took a swig. It burned like fire on the way down. I instantly felt better.

  “Do you have to talk so loud?” Zo muttered. Apparently, she hadn’t fared any better than I had, which made me feel a little less crappy about my situation. Misery loves company.

  I sighed and rubbed absently at a spot on my arm. “Yes, I do bec- for fuck’s sake! Why do I have a demon handfast rune on my arm?” I studied the rune which had been branded onto my skin. “Terra, did we get married?” I asked the only other demon in the room.

  Terra checked over her own arms. “No, I’ve got no rune, thank god.”

  I closed my eyes again and relaxed back against the sofa. “I resent your tone, but I’m also too hungover to care.” Great, I’d married a demon. Terra was cool, and I myself was part demon, but the truth of the matter was that most demons were total dicks. Shocking, I know. And now I was married to one. I didn’t even know which one. I was bound to a demon, something I’d worked very hard to avoid during my time in Hell. My life sucked ass.

  Something nudged my shoulder and I glanced up to see my dog holding a water bottle between his teeth. “I don’t say this enough, Pete, but you are a really good dog,” I said, taking the bottle from him and drinking greedily. My tongue had felt like sandpaper.

  * * *

  Nevaeh, the Previous Night -

  “You know what’s fucked up about vampires?” I asked but I didn’t wait to let him answer. “They’re depicted as sex-obsessed creatures, but you know what? They can’t get hard!”

  He stared at me like I was crazy.

  “They’re dead! They have no blood flow! It’s basic biology.”

  “Okay, so why are we talking about this?”

  “I’m not a vampire,” I explained seriously.

  “Yes, I know this, you just drink blood.”

  “They stole that from us!” I hissed.

  “Yes, so you’ve said.”

  “And I can have sex.”

  He spluttered a laugh.

  “And you know what else is stupid?” Again, I didn’t wait for his response. “They’re always biting people’s necks, and when it’s not the neck it’s the wrist. Those are the worst places to bite a dumb teenage girl who you want to seduce! If you don’t want to kill or hurt your prey you wanna go for something more padded and less sensitive, like the forearm.”

  His brow furrowed slightly. “Wait, do you bite people?”

  “No! Well… not to feed on. That would be gross.”

  “I have to ask, mostly because you won’t shut up about it, but what’s your beef with vampires?”

  “They give blood drinkers a bad name,” I said bitterly.

  “I believe the term is ‘bloodsuckers’.”

  I frowned at him. “That sounds salacious; I’ll stick with drinking,” I said, slurring my s’s slightly.

  He eyed me with what I thought was supposed to be a wise expression. “Have you heard the old saying about how there are two wolves inside you, a good one and a bad one, and how they’re constantly fighting for control?”

  I punched his arm lightly. “Oh my God! That’s just like me! Except, my wolves probly don’t fight, they probly just, like, lay about and maybe growl at each other.” Fighting was just so much effort.

  He raised a hand for me to be patient. “Wait, there’s more to the saying… I think. Wait, um. Oh, I got it! The wolf that wins is the one you feed,” he informed me sagely.

  I pointed a finger at him. “That’s so fucking insightful.” I nodded in complete understanding. “But wait, what if I fed them both?” Two shots appeared in front of us. I lifted one and cried out, “Death to the unworthy!”

  Slightly bewildered, he repeated the toast and we both drank, then he frowned. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because!” I’d totally had a reason a moment ago. “Oh, I know, because if one dies, the other might get lonely!”

  He laughed softly. “Oh, are you feeling lonely, pet?”

  “Silence, mortal scum,” I growled.

  “Why you gotta be calling everyone mortal scum every time you get drunk?” he demanded.

  I laughed suddenly, a sound that vaguely resembled a giggle but definitely wasn’t. Then I booped his nose. “You are mortal scum,” I informed him.

  “I’m not even mortal, I’m an elf.”

  “Then where’s your pointy hat?” I demanded, flicking his ear.

  He glared at me. “I’m not one of Santa’s elves! I’m much more like Tolkien’s elves.”

  “Wait, is that the guy who wrote Game of Thrones? Wait! Is Santa real?”

  He laughed again. “You’re so drunk!” he accused.

  “I-” I cleared my throat. “I am not!” I said indignantly. “Go away, twinklebell,” I ordered.

  “Wow, that was not even close to being anything. How much have you had to drink?”

  At that moment Terra hurried over. “Come on, Neva, we’re going for pizza!”

  I grinned at Tony. “Fuck off, fairy.” Then I downed a shot before stumbling after the demon.

  And that was where my memory of the evening cut off. Maybe there was also Terra murmuring something about meeting a friend, but I’d been pretty pissed. It was a shame I’d left my drinking buddy, Tony. That guy always remembered when I did embarrassing things. The little shit.

  “Aren’t you concerned that you’re married to some random demon?” asked Zo, glancing over at me as I struggled to recall what else had happened.

  I shrugged. “It’s fine, I have most of the supplies to annul it. I just need a kid.”

  “A kid, why?”

  I rolled my eyes. “To sacrifice. Demon annulling rituals require the sacrifice of a kid.”

  “You are not sacrificing a kid!”

  How did mortals do any rituals if they were so unwilling to perform sacrifices? “I didn’t know kids meant so much to you. But fine, jeez. Ah… I guess I’ll stay married?” Or maybe I could use a lamb. Sheep and goats were basically the same things, right?

  I glanced at my friend’s faces, they’d seem so affronted at the thought of me killing a kid that they probably wouldn’t like a lamb any better. Mortals are fucking weird. They’ll eat all the woodland creatures they like, but the minute you need to bathe in one’s blood, you’re the bad guy. Dumb humans.

  * * *

  Timothy -

  I groaned. “Now this is why I quit drinking over a century ago.” I shifted, finding a piece of paper stuck to my face. With a sigh I pulled back to read it, quirking a brow as I realised what I was holding. “The fuck?” There was the second reason: stupid decisions. I sat up to find myself in a churchyard and rubbed my face with both hands warily. Holy ground, I thought wryly, how ironic.

  “I guess I should go and try to find the missus.” I started to walk around to the front of the church and pulled out my phone. I chuckled as I saw the top names on my list of recent calls. “I should have known she’d have a hand in this,” I murmured as I dialled.

  “Terra,” croaked a voice on the other end of the phone.

  “There something you want to tell me?” I demanded

  “Oh, Tim, hi. No, I was just- Wait! You’re a demon!”

  I rolled my eyes. “No shit.”

  “I think I may have introduced you to my friend last night,” she said warily.

  “Fuck, Terra, is she at least hot?”

  “Oh, no, she butt ugly,” she said in a serious tone.

  It wasn’t hard to figure out that she was screwing with me. Demons tend to be hot, and not just in the fire and brimstone sense. We didn’t need to eat and found it easy to pack on muscle. I guess you could have unattractive facial features but we usually had great skin, possibly a side effect of all the steam down in hell.

  “I
’m coming to get her,” I declared, glancing down at the marriage certificate in my hand. Marriage wasn’t something I’d ever really considered. Monogamy wasn’t in my wheelhouse, but it wasn’t as if I were getting laid all that often anyway. Sleeping with demons was just asking for trouble and humans were so fragile and breakable. That left a few species of magical creatures, but they tend to try and avoid demons. Seducing them is way more trouble than it’s worth.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said slowly.

  Too late. I had already called my power to transport me to her house. “Why not?”

  “What do you plan to do with her?” she asked cautiously.

  “Oh, I was thinking we’d get dinner, maybe catch a movie. We could also go dancing if we’re feeling frisky,” I said in the most sarcastic tone I could manage. Then I snorted. “Who do you take me for? I’ll drag her back to my cave and bone her.”

  “You have a cave?”

  I didn’t deign to answer that.

  “Actually, if you have a cave she might be into it,” she said thoughtfully.

  Damn right she’d be into it.

  11

  11 - Office Party

  Nevaeh -

  There was a knock at the door to my flat. I glanced at the blood-filled cup in my hand, then I shoved it into the fridge before going to answer. “Well, I half thought I’d never see you again,” I murmured as I saw who stood there.

  “I’ve been busy, but I think it’s about time we get to know each other,” he said, walking past me and glancing around.

  “You know, I think I’ve lost interest. Humans are far more interesting. So, you may leave.” I’d taken his disappearance as a slight, so I couldn’t make his return easy for him.

  He walked closer and ran his fingers down my cheek, his touch both presumptuous and possessive. “I didn’t hurt your feelings, did I? That wasn’t my intention.” He was standing close enough that his breath caused my hair to stir.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Of course not. Truthfully, I was relieved when you didn’t come back,” I informed him.

  “Hmm, really?” He reached to run his fingers through my hair and seemed pleased when I leant into his touch. It felt good. “Well, I shall have to strive to make myself less disposable.”

  “That’d be a neat trick.” I eyed him. He intrigued me. He could easily pass as a human. I hadn’t known many male demons who hadn’t made my skin crawl. Somehow I just couldn’t fear this man. Maybe I was just a sucker for a pretty face.

  Consciously I couldn’t remember meeting him, or even marrying, but maybe subconsciously I recalled my motives. It wasn’t just that he was handsome, or that he was built like an athlete, although those things didn’t hurt. There was a warmth to him that had been absent in nearly all other demons.

  “I have to ask, is this where you expect us to live?” he asked, glancing around.

  I looked up at him suddenly. “Us? You want to move in with me?”

  He smirked. “You are my wife, it would only be proper,” he stated with amusement.

  “Well, unless you’re into bunk beds, that’s not really the best option.”

  His expression became one of disgust. “Bunk Beds?”

  “Yes. I do have a roommate, in case you didn’t notice.” I gestured around the kitchen and living area. “Although I’m not surprised you didn’t, she’s never here.”

  “Then you should move in with me,” he suggested.

  “Where do you even live?”

  “I had a house a few hours east of here but there are a few places I’m looking at in town,” he told me as he walked over to lean against the table.

  I walked to the fridge and retrieved my drink; he wasn’t human so he wouldn’t mind.

  “You really want to do the whole thing? Wife, house, two point five kids?”

  He grinned. “I’m willing to give it a shot. I’ve lived through a few centuries… I figured now’s as good a time as any.”

  “Well, I’ve got two more months on my lease. So, before I make that commitment I’m going to wait it out here. We can hang out, but you will live elsewhere. I’m not moving in with a guy I haven’t even slept with.”

  He stepped closer. “Absolutely, and I do agree that last thing does need to be rectified, the sooner the better.” He grabbed me by the waist and hauled me up against him, holding me against his lean, hard body.

  I grinned, my sight taking on a slight tint that I knew meant my eyes had gained a red hue. “The sooner the better,” I agreed, biting my bottom lip. Then I reached up to capture his lips.

  * * *

  When I walked into the venue to face my arch enemy it was with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. Mmm, good sex could do wonders for a girl’s mood. I’d kicked Timothy out of bed shortly after we’d finished. Well, it wasn’t actually bed—we hadn’t gotten further than the kitchen counter. But after a few threats against my immortal soul—the guy was such a flirt—he had left, shooting me a few hungry looks as he’d gone.

  So far, married life was pretty sweet. Of course, that could all end tonight if I got myself killed. Maybe I should have told Tim where I was going but, well… I’d slept with him one time, I wasn’t about to trust the guy. He might turn against me, tie me up and do naughty, naughty things to me.

  Realising I was getting sidetracked, I mentally shook myself and surveyed the crowd. Tension was in the air, and not the fun sexual kind. The bastard was already here; there was no way he could resist tasting all the suppressed rage.

  I was feeling strangely calm. I was about to face my arch enemy, my nemesis. We had a dark history and he had caused my suffering, made me what I am. Yup, I was a living freaking stereotype.

  But I’d read the comic books, I knew what would happen if I imprisoned him. He’d get out, there’d be fun banter, and then he’d try to kill me. Screw that. I was going to take his head. Nothing less would do. Of course, the guy was a demon, not to mention the living embodiment of Wrath.

  Taking his head may not be enough.

  “I thought I smelled wet dog,” a deep voice at my back said.

  “Don’t flatter yourself, asswipe.” I turned abruptly to face him.

  He quirked a condescending brow at me. “Feeling brave are we, little bitch?”

  “Feeling stupid are we, Grumpy?”

  He tilted his head slightly. “Grumpy?”

  “That is which dwarf you were, isn’t it?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Oh, there are seven dwarfs and seven deadly sins, how insightful of you to notice,” he said sarcastically.

  “You’re right, there’s no correlation; you could never convince a girl to live with you.”

  “I’m not Pride, sweetheart, you’ll never get to me that way. I’m much more highly evolved.”

  “Luckily my intention isn’t to talk you to death.”

  “Oh good, for a moment I was worried.” He grinned, baring teeth that would look at home in the mouth of a shark.

  I bared my teeth back at him, flashing him my elongated canines.

  “Fierce, I like it. You’ll need that for where I’m going to put you. Maybe I’ll join you this time, watch your torture up close. That way we can get better acquainted.” He licked his lips hungrily.

  “You make me sick,” I snarled.

  “Mmh, I love it when you get worked up but…what is this? How are you blocking your emotions?” He narrowed his eyes at me.

  “How are you walking around with your head stuck so far up your ass?” Banter.

  “Oh, you’re funny. Will you be so funny when you’re beneath the heel of whatever demon takes a fancy to you?”

  “No, I imagine at that point I’ll be more homicidal than comedic,” I snarled.

  “Luckily for you, homicidal is how I like my women.”

  “I’m not your anything.” I was so sick of this shit.

  “You’re wrong there, Hound. You’re my favourite pet.”

  Oh, Hell no. Blood was going t
o spill. I pulled a blade with one hand and Terra’s little gadget with the other. A click of a button caused the fire alarm to go off and the humans started evacuating, still under enough of Wrath’s thrall to shove each other roughly as they left. Terra’s toys were surprisingly handy.

  Wrath smirked at my blade. “Oh no, well, now I’m scared,” he taunted.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’mma cut off your balls and feed them to my dog.”

  “I guess it’s fitting that a bitch would have a dog.”

  “Congrats, you can insult almost as well as a high school student.”

  “Congrats, you look about as threatening as one.”

  I bared my teeth at him again, then I lunged, wielding the knife. Demons weren’t easy to kill, but they could be incapacitated if you did enough damage to the brain, or severed the head. Then burn them up with Hellfire long enough and they won’t regenerate, not even down in Hell.

  I would fuck him up.

  * * *

  Everything ached. Getting home hadn’t been a pleasant journey considering my knee was busted. I really needed to get myself a car, and probably a license. Whoever said you should battle your demons clearly gave lame-ass advice. Never straight-up battle your demons, hit them with a sniper rifle from at least a hundred feet away then run like hell. “I really thought I was going to win,” I told the demon currently sitting beside me.

  He patted my leg, which was currently resting over his lap. “I did, too.”

  “Liar.”

  “Yeah, but I figured that if I agreed with you maybe I’d get laid.”

  “You suck as a husband,” I told him.

  “That’s unsurprising, considering I was too drunk to remember the wedding.”

  “Could you pretend to be supportive?” I asked, pouting.

  He gave an exaggerated sigh. “Fine. It’s okay, honey, you tried your best. Plenty of people have trouble the first time, it’s natural.”

  “You made it sound dirty,” I accused.

  “Sorry, I’m still thinking of all the sex you’re denying me.”

  I glared at him. “I’m injured.”