Zombie Lover

by Anthony, Piers

  She looked at the boat. “Oh. Yes. Can I ask it a question?”

  “Go ahead, black beauty,” the boat said.

  “What makes you go?”

  “My duck feet, dummy. What else?”

  “The inanimate is too stupid to be polite,” King Dor remarked.

  “Yeah,” the boat agreed with gusto. “So I can peek up under your skirt and blab the color of your—”

  “Stamp on it,” King Dor advised.

  Breanna lifted one foot and stamped hard on the deck. The boat was silent. But she wrapped her skirt more closely about her legs, so that nothing was visible from below. The irony was that she was proud of the black underwear she wore, but she was not about to have a piece of wood think it was getting away with a sneak peek.

  “I had forgotten what fun Dor’s talent is,” Justin remarked. “Girls do have to watch their skirts.”

  “What do you mean, ‘fun’?” she demanded silently.

  “No offense intended, Breanna, but seeing under skirts or into shirts is one of the great male pastimes. Your best strategy is to pretend to be unaware of it. That preserves your innocence even if something accidentally shows.”

  “Even underage skirts and shirts?” she asked sharply.

  “You are very mature in outlook and poise. They obviously regard you as a young woman.”

  She pondered, and concluded that that was best. Justin had once again found a persuasive way to frame his insight. It wasn’t as if she didn’t already know that men were hopelessly juvenile in certain respects. “Okay. Anyway, it was the boat that tried to peek, not the men.”

  “They are all honorable. Still, it is probably best not to put them in an awkward situation. Their good wives would be upset.”

  “For sure.” She kept her knees together.

  “It is nevertheless a fault that can give women great power over men. The sight of an uncovered bosom—”

  “You mean breasts?”

  “To be sure. And the surprise glimpse of well-filled panties can freak out an army. Keep that in mind for emergencies.”

  “I’ll do that,” she agreed.

  Meanwhile the boat was rushing toward the island. Breanna decided to risk another question to the boat. “Who set you and the dock up here?”

  “The women of the Isle, dodo. So princes can cross.”

  What a contrast between Justin Tree and this dead wood! “Princes?”

  “Only women and princes can cross to the Isle of Women, idiot. Because it is entirely populated by women who want to marry princes and spend the rest of their lives in comfortable leisure. Everyone knows that.”

  “Now that’s interesting,” Bink said. “Our group just happens to consist of a woman and three kings or princes.”

  “Darn right, stupid. Otherwise I’d have dumped you on some other isle. Those are my orders.”

  “So it wasn’t just timing that messed up Ralph!” Justin said. “He wasn’t a prince or a woman.”

  “For sure he was neither princely nor female,” Breanna agreed sourly.

  “Maybe the boat knows what Ralph wouldn’t tell you.”

  “Say, yes! I’ll ask.” Aloud, she said: “Boat, do you know why the Isle of Woman may not help me escape the Zombie King?” But as she spoke, she got it: “King! He’s a king! So he can follow me!”

  “For sure, splinter-head,” the boat agreed smugly.

  King Dor shook his head. “If the Good Magician told you that the Isle would solve your problem, then it will. He always knows.”

  “But sometimes a person has to help herself somewhat, also,” Bink added. “Perhaps Humfrey meant that you could find the solution to your problem on the Isle of Women. You assumed that the Zombie King could not follow you there, but that’s not the rationale.”

  “That must be it,” she agreed. “So my quest is not yet done. But how will I know what to do there, to save myself?”

  King Dor considered. “You are helping us to reach the isle, so perhaps we can help you to fend off the Zombie King. Actually that may help put the zombies to rest before the wedding, so we may have a common mission after all.”

  “We do want to make sure that the wedding is not yours,” Bink said.

  “These are good men,” Justin reminded her. “It would be expedient to accept the offer with thanks.”

  “Gotcha.” Aloud, she said: “I thank you most kindly for the thought. Justin Tree appreciates it too.”

  “That’s right,” King Dor said. “Justin is with you. But if I may inquire, why is this?”

  “He wants to have an adventure, but he’s getting sort of old to return to human form. So it’s a deal: I got my answer in exchange for giving Justin a ride in my head. He sees and hears what I do. It’s a vi—vi—”

  “Vicarious.”

  “Vicarious adventure for him. Too bad it’s from the female perspective.”

  “By no means, Breanna. I am enjoying the experience.”

  “But he says he doesn’t mind. And he does give good advice.”

  “Surely so,” King Dor agreed. “I am glad he has this opportunity to experience human life anew.”

  The boat caught up to the island shoreline, but didn’t slow. Suddenly it rose from the water. All five occupants (counting Justin) were astonished. “How can a boat go on land?” Prince Dolph asked.

  “With duck feet!” Breanna said, realizing. She leaned over the edge to peer under the boat. Sure enough, there were multiple pairs of orange webbed feet.

  “But where is it going?”

  “To the paired dock, blockhead,” the boat replied. “So the women can check you out.”

  The boat ran on, carrying them inland. The island seemed ordinary, with trees, fields, and houses. There was a well-worn path with no obstructions for the duck feet. They pattered swiftly along.

  “Well, now we know why there were no paddles,” Justin said.

  They came to a pond. By the pond was a dock like the first one. The boat ran into the water and paddled across, coming to a halt by that dock.

  “It seems we have arrived,” Bink said, standing and stepping onto the end of the dock. King Dor followed.

  It was Breanna’s turn. She stood, then hesitated. To get on the dock she would have to take a wide step, giving the boat a chance to peek and make an embarrassing remark.

  “I believe the step is steep,” King Dor said. “Dolph, if you would lift the lady up—”

  “Oh, sure,” Dolph said. “By your leave, miss.” He put his arms under Breanna’s shoulders and knees, and lifted her sedately up. He passed her up to King Dor, who set her onto the dock.

  “Awwww,” the boat said, before Prince Dolph stamped on its hull.

  At the end of the dock a small group of women stood. Breanna hadn’t noticed them before; they must have arrived in the past moment.

  “Hello,” a lovely young woman in furry halter and shorts said. “I am Voracia. I will be your guide, until you marry appropriate women and depart the Isle. You are of course three princes.”

  “Three kings,” King Dor said. “However, we have not come here to find wives, as we are already married.”

  “What?” she asked, horrified. She looked severely at the boat. “Didn’t you verify marital status?”

  The boat sank somewhat in the water. “I forgot.”

  Voracia was grim. “Well, you’re here now. So you will simply have to provide three of us with princely husbands in lieu of you. Only when you have accomplished this will you be allowed to leave the Isle.”

  King Dor evidently was not accustomed to being addressed in this manner. “I think we shall leave when we choose to leave, when our mission here is done.”

  “No you won’t. The boat won’t take you.”

  He gazed at Voracia. “We can fly from here.”

  “No you can’t.”

  Prince Dolph assumed the form of a winged man. “I think we can,” he said. “This is not the only form I can assume.”

  Voracia frowned. “
I suggest that you try it.”

  Prince Dolph spread his wings and flew up into the air. He spiraled high, looked around, then flew back down to the ground. “Xanth is gone!” he exclaimed.

  “Gone?” King Dor asked.

  “We have erased the interface between Xanth and the Isle of Women,” Voracia said. “You will go nowhere, because you will have nowhere to go—until we restore the interface.”

  “So there, numbskulls!” the boat exclaimed from behind them. “Ha, ha, ha!”

  Breanna felt guilty for getting them into this mess. “This isn’t right,” she said. “They’re just helping me.”

  Voracia turned to her. “And whom might you be?”

  “Breanna of the Black Wave. I’m here to escape being married to a Zombie King.”

  “Zyzzyva can handle that. I’ll call her.”

  “Who is Zyzzyva?”

  “She’s our zombie member. She—”

  “No way!” Breanna cried. “I’m not going near any more zombies! I’m trying to get away from them.”

  Voracia shrugged. “Well, then, let’s get you settled. Then we can see about the three princes here.”

  “Three kings,” King Dor said.

  “Whatever. Maybe we can persuade you to dump your present wives and marry three of us. That would settle your accounts nicely.”

  “I don’t think so,” King Dor said.

  Voracia gazed at him. “Not even if I show you my talent?”

  “Don’t ask her talent,” Justin warned.

  “What’s your talent?” Prince Dolph asked, once again seeming to speak before he thought. Breanna knew how that was.

  “This.” Suddenly she was standing before them in lacy white bra and panties.

  “This is mischief.”

  “For sure.” Because all three men froze where they stood, staring at the woman. Breanna had to admit that Voracia was impressive; both items of apparel were very well filled.

  “You will have to rescue them.”

  “Right.” But then she discovered something weird: her own eyes were fastened on Voracia. They were starting to lock in place. “Hey! What’s going on here? I’m not fascinated by the sight of a woman’s undies.”

  “You’re not male.”

  “Oh, no! You, Justin?”

  “Me,” he confessed. “I see though your eyes. When you focused them on—”

  “Oh, for screaming out loud! Look away, Justin.”

  “I can’t. But you can. They’re your eyes.”

  Oh. He was right about that. She wrenched her eyes away, and felt Justin’s presence relax. He had been a tree for a long time, but recent experience must have attuned him back to the human state, making him vulnerable. Now it was up to her to rescue the others similarly.

  Breanna stepped in front of King Dor, breaking his line of sight. She put her hands on his shoulders and turned him away from the compelling sight. He relaxed; then she stepped in front of Prince Dolph. When she had him free, she did the same for Bink.

  “What’s the matter?” Voracia asked, sounding concerned.

  “As if you didn’t know!” Breanna snapped, turning back to face her. “You stunned them with your unmentionables.”

  “But I was only showing my talent,” the girl protested. “Which is to change my bra and panties to any style or substance.” Her outfit turned into blue halter and shorts, then into striped tank top and slacks. “When I was a child, not so long ago, I thought I had no talent, because I didn’t wear those particular items. Then one day—”

  “You mean those are the same things?” Breanna asked, amazed.

  “Yes. I can even turn them into armor.” Now she wore woven metal uppers and lowers. “But that’s sort of heavy, so mostly I keep it simple.”

  The kings were turning around again. “So your halter and shorts were actually—?” Prince Dolph asked, his eyes starting to sweat.

  “Yes. It’s all the same.” Voracia appeared in a string bikini whose strings threatened to snap at any moment.

  “Get a load of that!” the nearest stone exclaimed. “You can string me along any time, honey.”

  “Don’t do that!” Breanna cried as Prince Dolph began to fall like a petrified tree. “You’re freaking him out.”

  “Oh.” Voracia changed to a jacket top and heavy culottes. “I didn’t realize. I’ve been so long on the Isle of Women, seeing no men, I just forgot. When he asked my talent, I just—I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not,” the stone said. “I wish I were a stone man.”

  “I’m happy the way I am,” Voracia’s halter said.

  “What?” Voracia asked, looking around.

  “It’s my talent,” King Dor said quickly. “I talk to the inanimate, and it talks back. Just ignore it.”

  “Oh, how delightful! But I apologize for showing you anything you would rather not have seen. I meant no harm.”

  She seemed genuinely penitent, though Breanna had about a forty percent share of doubt.

  “I understand women try things on men, just to make sure they work,” Justin said. “So it may be half innocent.”

  Breanna thought about the way she had sort of shown off to Justin, before the mirror in the Good Magician’s castle. Just because she could get away with it, being physically alone. She had claimed to be informal because they were sharing awareness, but there had really been more to it than that. Part of her wanted to hide her assets; another part wanted to advertise them. “I guess,” she agreed. Then, aloud: “Well, if you are to be their guide, keep it in bounds.”

  “It’s almost like an aspect of the Adult Conspiracy. Bounds have to be set, to protect the innocent.”

  Good point. It wasn’t always best to do what a person could do, just because she had the chance. The sensitivities of others had to be considered.

  “Here is how it works,” Voracia said. “Every woman on this island intends to marry into royalty. Unfortunately there are many more of us than there are royal visitors, so we have set up a roster based on a complicated set of rules it would be tedious to elucidate. Those at the top of the list get the first choices, and as they get placed, others rise to take their places. So at present I am number one on the list. Thus I get to associate with the prospects, and to interview them, to see whether any are right for me.”

  “Well, they aren’t,” Breanna said. “So you can just forget about that aspect.” She realized that she was starting to pick up words like “aspect” from Justin Tree. She liked his influence; it made her seem more adult.

  “We shall see.” Voracia’s outfit turned momentarily translucent. Breanna’s doubt about her innocence increased to sixty percent. However, it wasn’t convenient to challenge it right now. “But first, as I said, we should get you settled, Breanna.”

  “Translation: she wants you out of her hair, so she can be free to vamp the kings without interference.”

  “For sure.” Aloud, she said: “Thank you.” Voracia wasn’t the only woman who could mask her private agenda.

  “Let’s see that string again,” the stone said. “I want to develop a String Theory.”

  “You will have the house left by the last woman who trapped, I mean succeeded in finding her prince. It is a good residence. Right this way.” She turned and walked away from the pond.

  Most of the other women had faded back. But two remained. “Ahem,” one said assertively.

  “Oh, how nice to see you, Claire,” Voracia said with artificial sparkle. Her clothing turned smoky for an instant.

  “Translation: Get lost, Claire. This hunt is mine.”

  Breanna giggled, then quickly stifled it. “You’re a good judge of women, Justin. That’s exactly the way it is.”

  “Since there are three prospects,” Claire said firmly, “three of us may see to their welfare. Since I am number two on the list, I qualify.”

  “Do you ever!” the stone agreed.

  “And I am number three,” the other woman said. “So I also qualify.”

  �
��Yes, of course,” Voracia said. “Thank you so much for reminding me.” Her outfit flashed metallic with spikes. She turned back to the kings. “Normally we see only one male visitor at a time, so it has been a while since the protocol has been invoked. Three of you are entitled to three guides. This declarative female is the Demoness Claire.”

  “So very pleased to meet you,” D. Claire declared. “Especially if any of you have an inclination to be blissfully freaked out for days at a time. I can be extremely accommodating when I wish to be, and I would wish to be for a prince.” Her body seemed to expand here and here, and contract there, becoming suggestive of an hourglass.

  “We really have no wish to be—” King Dor started. But Claire’s whole form, body and clothing, turned smoky, and the smoke coalesced to form a tightening body stocking around a body no mortal woman could match. King Dor’s eyes and jaw began to glaze.

  “Stop that!” Breanna said, stepping between them. “This isn’t the time.” Not that there would ever be a time.

  “My apology,” Claire breathed. She was very good at breathing. Her garment thickened just enough to enable the men to resume their own breathing.

  “I love the view from here,” the stone said. It was on the ground near Claire’s feet.

  “These women are dangerous,” Justin observed. “They have no intention of letting three kings escape.”

  “And this is Nefra Naga,” Voracia said, indicating the other woman.

  “Really dangerous. Prince Dolph almost married a naga princess.”

  “Hello,” Nefra said. She had very dark brown hair framing a small heart-shaped face with large aqua eyes. She wore an aqua dress trimmed with dark brown, so as to accentuate her features. “I was at your wedding, Prince Dolph.”

  Prince Dolph looked startled. “You were?”

  “I thought you were going to marry my cousin Nada Naga, who didn’t love you, but instead you married Electra, which I think was a good decision.”

  “You were there,” he said, still surprised. “I didn’t know she had a cousin.”

  “I was young. Nada’s Aunt Nera fell in love with a human type guy named Nathan, and I’m their daughter Nefra. Because I am part human, I have a magic talent, along with the normal naga abilities. I have the talent of switching.”

  “Switching? You mean with a switch?”