Zombie Lover

by Anthony, Piers

  “Express sympathy, now that you have him talking. We need to know his problem.”

  “Well, we all get that way at times,” Breanna said.

  “But I was chronically that way. Finally it caught up with me. In my brash ignorance I trampled a private garden of boysenberries and girlsenberries, ruining the crop. An old Curse Fiend Woman came out, saw the damage, and cursed me.”

  “The curse fiends all have the same talent: they can blast a hole in the ground or kill trees or blow people into oblivion with their curses.”

  “That must have been painful,” Breanna said.

  “This wasn’t a normal curse. She was one of their ranking people, and had perfected a worse curse.”

  Breanna had an idea. “Can you project your thoughts too? So you can show me exactly what happened?”

  Jeremy assumed wolf form. Then, suddenly, Breanna found herself in the trampled berry patch, with little boysen and girlsenberries squished all around her, their juice on her fur.

  The old Curse Fiend appeared. “You despicable creature!” she shouted. “You have ruined my crop! May you be cursed to suffer as you have made me suffer.”

  “How’s that?” Breanna Werewolf asked.

  “These berries would have brought delight to courting couples, enabling them to recognize their ideal partners. So you will suffer the same loss of delight. There will be only one perfect life’s companion for you, a foreign woman, but you will not be able to find her. She will have to find you, and you will know her only when she declares her love for you. But she will not know that you are her ideal mate, so will not look for you. And when she passes the age of twenty one without finding you, the two of you will never get together, and you will be doomed to be with some lesser creature, knowing that you might have had perfect happiness, but forfeited it by being thoughtless and stupid. Now depart, you cretin; the curse is complete.”

  Breanna departed, her tail between her legs. She knew that every word of the curse was true.

  “That is one awful curse! No wonder he is dejected. Why should he want to be king, knowing that he will never have his perfect love?”

  She came out of it, and was herself again. The three kings were looking at her. “Jeremy has a real problem,” she said.

  The werewolf, back in human form, nodded agreement. “I have looked everywhere, but found no perfect woman. Oh, there have been many who expressed interest in me, but when they did, I know they were not the one. They just wanted to be princesses or queens. I want the one who will love me for what I truly am, not caring about my status. I must find her before she passes twenty one, or lose her forever. And I can’t find her.”

  “But that’s not the curse,” Breanna said. “She has to find you.”

  “I have searched by ranging widely, telling women of the curse, so that if any should be the right one, she will be encouraged to come to me. That is how I have tried to nullify that aspect. But it has all been for naught. I fear my true love has already passed the critical age, and I am forever lost.”

  “This is a negative assumption. He is clearly in this funk because he has given up hope of success.”

  “Okay, Jeremy,” Breanna said in businesslike fashion. “Either she’s over twenty one and it’s too late, or she isn’t. There’s no point in figuring she’s over, because that’s hopeless. So you have to figure she’s under, and you can still find her, or rather, have her find you. Because that’s the only way you can possibly win.”

  The werewolf prince gazed at her somewhat hopelessly. “What can I do, that I have not already done?”

  “Let’s get some basics established first. If you find your true love, will you agree to start training for the kingship?”

  “Yes, of course. I have nothing against it. It’s just that without my true love, I have no ambition for anything else.”

  “Okay. So as I see it, maybe you just need to make yourself more attractive to that ideal girl. Which is funny, in a way.”

  “Funny? I’m depressed.”

  “Not funny you; funny thought. I just came from the Isle of Women, where I was helping a lady zombie learn to be more appealing to a king. Now I have to show a prince how to be more appealing to a lady. I’m no expert, either way, but at least the lady zombie did get the king.”

  “If you can enable me to get my true love, I will be forever in your debt.”

  “Actually, I’m just trying to help the three kings. They’ve had a whole lot more experience with woman than I have.”

  Bink laughed. “But we lack one prime prerequisite: we are not female.”

  “Which may be why you are here. The distaff perspective is required.”

  “The what perspective?”

  “Female.”

  “Oh. Well, I’ll do my best.” She addressed Jeremy again. “Now this perfect woman is foreign. That means she’s not a werewolf?”

  “At least is not a werewolf of the Isle of Wolves, though I have checked the local bitches too.”

  “The local whats?”

  “A female canine is a bitch. It is not a term of disrespect in this context.”

  “I knew that,” she said, remembering. “So she could be a different type of crossbreed, or even dull human.”

  “She could be anything,” Jeremy said. “That’s what makes the search so difficult.”

  “For sure. But can we assume that she will have a human form, or can take that form when she wants to?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, let’s assume it, because that makes it a whole lot easier. Because what little I know about women is all human. I can’t help you learn to impress a bi— a nonhuman female.”

  “That makes sense,” King Dor said. “And perhaps the conventions for different species are similar enough in essence to make it relevant.”

  “Let’s hope,” Breanna said. “Okay, so lets see if we can make you so appealing to women that the right one is bound to take notice. It would be better if we had a real woman, but I guess we’ll have to make do with what’s available. Which is a simple girl. If you can impress me, you can probably impress her.”

  “I have impressed many women,” Jeremy said. “But none would have noticed me if I weren’t royal.”

  “Precisely. So let’s pretend you are a completely ordinary werewolf. Ditch the crown.”

  Jeremy lifted the crown from his head. He buried it out of sight in the funk. “Now I am just another werewolf.”

  “Right.” Breanna looked around. “Help me, guys. What comes next?”

  “Perhaps you should be a woman passing by, and he tries to impress you,” King Dor suggested.

  “Okay. Impress me, Jeremy.” Breanna walked just outside the glade, turned, and walked innocently back in. The three kings faded circumspectly into the background.

  Jeremy became a huge wolf and rose up with a horrendous growl.

  “Eeeeeek!” Breanna screamed. “The big bad wolf is going to eat me up!”

  The wolf became the man. “No go?”

  “No go,” Breanna agreed. “I mean, impress me as a man. Like for a date.” She walked out of the glade, and back in.

  “Hello, luscious maiden,” Jeremy said. “Have a date.” He proffered a thyme berry.

  Breanna almost fell over laughing.

  “I made an error?” Jeremy asked, annoyed.

  “My fault, I guess, for using a Mundane term. I meant a date, as in boy and girl go somewhere together and do something fun together.”

  “But you are too young for that.”

  “I don’t mean storks!” she exploded. “Isn’t there anything else on a man’s mind?”

  “Should there be?”

  “At ease, Breanna. It was a natural misunderstanding on his part, and he reacted appropriately. He’s a decent sort.”

  So she stifled her natural reaction, and used the occasion for some necessary education. “Some subtlety may be in order here. Men may think that storks are in constant need of summoning, but women have othe
r things on their minds.”

  “They do?” The werewolf seemed amazed.

  “Definitely. So get the stork out of your mind. Anyway, we’re play-acting here, so my age is irrelevant. So don’t think of storks, not because I’m too young, but because no woman thinks of them until late in the game. Make her love you, then maybe she’ll think of the stork. Eventually.”

  “Actually, the women of the Isle of Women seemed to think of nothing but storks, according to the report of the kings.”

  “They were trying to nab a king. That’s different.”

  “I suppose it is. I seems to be true that men have storks, or at least the act of summoning them, on their minds more than women do.”

  Jeremy shook his head. “This is more difficult than I ever imagined. How can women exist without constantly thinking of storks?”

  “We have disciplined minds. So just try to figure out something that you and I might like to do together that has nothing to do with storks.”

  The man pondered, and cogitated, and thought, and considered, and reflected. Sweat formed on his brow.

  “You stumped him.”

  Breanna almost laughed. “I guess I’d better give you a hint. How about taking a nice walk together?”

  “Where?”

  “Anywhere. It doesn’t matter. The point is just to be doing it.”

  “This is strange indeed.”

  “Aren’t there any interesting sights on the Isle of Wolves?”

  “Well, there’s the quandary.”

  “So let’s take a walk and go see that.”

  “If you insist. It’s really not much, especially with the masses.”

  “You aren’t making this very interesting,” Breanna said. “What masses?”

  “The mass confusion and mass hysteria. People go near them, and—”

  “I get the picture. Are there any other local sights?”

  “There’s the ink well. We draw buckets of ink up, and ship them to all other parts of Xanth.”

  Breanna made a gesture as of tearing her hair. “None of this will do. We’d better stick to boy-girl. Suppose we just walk around in a circle and make interesting conversation?”

  “But you said that girls don’t think of anything interesting.”

  Breanna opened her mouth, but Justin intercepted her expostulation before it got out. “He means your refusal to think of stork summoning. Change the subject.”

  Good advice, again. “I think I’m just going to have to tell you some things to talk about. But that means I won’t be able to judge how impressive it is. We need another girl.”

  “One who doesn’t know I am a prince,” Jeremy agreed.

  “For sure. Okay, first off, you’ll have to notice how pretty I am.”

  “But—”

  “I don’t mean me personally! I mean any woman. You have to compliment her. You have to scratch for nice things to say about her. If she’s got distinctive features, you notice them. Whatever they are. Even if they’re really not much. Now try noticing me.”

  He studied her head. “You have lustrous long black hair.”

  She clapped her hands. “That’s it! You’re making me be flattered, and that makes me like you better. Try again.”

  He looked at her face. “You have glowing green eyes.”

  “Right on!”

  He looked at her mid section. “You have a nice little—”

  “Nuh-uh! Off limits. There’s nothing in that region you’re supposed to notice.”

  He looked at her chest. “You—”

  “No!”

  “But there’s not much else to notice.”

  “Then get creative. And after that, with luck, she’ll ask about you, and you must tell her something moody and feelingful, evoking her sympathy, and then follow up with whatever seems apt. Just keep the dialogue going nicely, and she’ll get interested in you. Then if she’s the one, you’re home free.”

  “I never did any of this before.”

  “Which is maybe why you never got anywhere. Let’s see what else we can arm you with.” She looked around. “Any of you have suggestions?”

  “The weather?” King Dor asked.

  “Okay, Jeremy, if there’s awkward silence, and you can’t think of anything else, talk about the weather. Not bad weather; interesting weather.”

  “This all seems horribly far-fetched,”

  “Women have far-fetched minds. Now let’s review this, to be sure you have it straight. Then we’ll have to go out and test it on a real woman.”

  They worked on it, and bit by bit he seemed to be getting it. But Breanna was really worried about whether it would every play in real life. This promised to be a long, grueling, and probably fruitless exercise. Meanwhile, she was tired; she normally slept in the daytime, and she hadn’t had much of a chance yet today.

  12

  IMPROMPTU INGENUE

  They seemed to be making progress, but Dolph was bored. Teaching Jeremy Werewolf to impress women favorably might be a positive step, but the chances of him being able to impress the right one in time seemed remote. How long would it take? Days? Weeks? Months? They couldn’t afford the time. They had a big wedding to get back to, back home—wherever that was.

  He stepped back out of sight, then became a small bird and flew up to take a look around. The isle was quiet; it was late afternoon and the wolves were mostly snoozing.

  He flew toward the mainland—and there was Para, the duck-footed boat, paddling toward the isle. Riding in it were Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat. He knew what that meant: Sammy could find anything except home, so the two had been sent out to find the three kings. To remind them to get on back home instead of dawdling. The three were more than ready to go home, the moment they could!

  He was going to fly down and introduce himself, as Jenny was his friend. Then he thought of something: Jenny could be their ingenue! She was female, and of age, and didn’t know what they were doing. So he had better not tell her anything; he would warn the others, and thus give Jeremy some real practice.

  He looped down, and soon returned to the funk grove. He resumed his natural form. The awful smell of the grove hit him anew; he had become acclimatized, until he got a breath of fresh air. “Jenny Elf’s coming,” he announced.

  “Sent to find us,” Dor said. “She will know where our home is.”

  “Yes,” Bink agreed. “But we can’t ethically leave until we solve Jeremy’s problem.”

  “I was thinking that Jenny could help in that. She can be the ingenue.”

  “The ingenue!” Dor exclaimed.

  Breanna glanced across at them. “What’s this?”

  “Our friend Jenny Elf is coming,” Dolph explained. “She must have been sent to find us, because her cat Sammy can find almost anything. She can be the ingenue, because she won’t know that Jeremy is a prince. He can try to impress her.”

  “Is that fair?” Breanna asked. “To put one of your friends in that position?”

  “You think I’m going to chomp off her arm?” Jeremy demanded.

  “No. It’s just that—well, I suppose it’s all right.” She turned to the werewolf. “But make sure you remember that you’re just practicing. You don’t actually want to summon any storks. You want to see what works, so that you can go out and maybe win your perfect love.”

  “I understand,” the werewolf prince said. “If I can impress her, maybe I can yet manage to break the curse.”

  “Meanwhile, what about the rest of us?” Dolph asked. “Won’t we be in the way?”

  “We can go eat, take a nap, or whatever else we fancy,” Dor said. “But someone should stay, just in case.”

  “I’m dead on my feet,” Breanna said. “I just want to sleep.”

  “You can have my bed, here,” Jeremy said. “I’ll go meet her outside the grove.”

  “She’ll be looking for us, so we three kings had better meet her,” Dor said. “But then we can move on. So why don’t you go with us, Dolph, then change form and kee
p an eye on Jenny.” He glanced at Jeremy. “It’s not that we don’t trust you, but if there is awkwardness, this ensures immediate contact with us. Probably there will be errors, and we’ll have to explain things to Jenny. I’m sure she’ll cooperate; she’s a very nice girl.”

  “That’s good. I’m suddenly very nervous. I have come to know Breanna, but this is a stranger. A thousand things could go wrong.”

  They organized and started out of the grove, while Breanna plumped herself down, put her head on her crossed arms, and went to sleep.

  Jeremy glanced back. “Breanna is nice too. I’m sorry she’s not the one.”

  “She’s a good girl,” Bink agreed. “Made better, perhaps, by Justin Tree’s presence.”

  “It must be nice to find such companionship.”

  “Maybe it will happen for you.”

  “Especially if you learn how to impress women,” Dolph said.

  They emerged from the grove. Their timing was right: Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat were just arriving. The elf girl was wrinkling her nose as if she smelled something horrible—the mottled funk, of course.

  “Oh, there you are!” Jenny cried. She ran up to hug Dolph. She was so small she seemed like a child, though he knew she was twenty; usually he didn’t notice. “You have to come back now. They are setting up wedding rehearsals, and you have parts to play.”

  “We will, soon,” Dolph said. “But right now we have something else to do. Would you mind waiting with Jeremy?” he gestured to the werewolf, who looked tongue-tied.

  “Oh, sure,” she agreed. “Just don’t be too long. I promised to bring you back to Castle Roogna within a day.”

  “Castle Roogna?”

  Jenny lifted a brow. “You know. Home.”

  “Home!” Dor exclaimed, remembering.

  Jenny laughed. “You couldn’t have forgotten, could you?”

  “I’m afraid we could have,” Bink said. “We drank some lethe water by accident.”

  “Oh, that explains it! We didn’t know what was keeping you.”

  “We will return shortly,” Dolph said.

  The three of them walked on, leaving Jenny with Jeremy. As soon as they went around a bend in the path, Dolph became an invisible winged man and looped back. He had always been able to change forms, but as he had grown older and gained experience, his talent had broadened and deepened, until now he could do much more. For example, he had learned to assume other human forms, so that he could make himself more handsome or muscular, or smarter. He seldom did it, because Electra liked him just the way he was naturally, but he could do it when he had reason. Now he had reason: he wanted to retain his full human intelligence, which could get cramped in small-headed bird form, yet be able to move silently without leaving footprints. So this form was good for that, and he would change it when he needed to.