Zombie Lover

by Anthony, Piers

  Pia stifled a scream and stepped back, but Breanna was unimpressed. “You’re practicing your talent,” she said.

  “To make solid illusionary creatures,” Edsel agreed. “Justin reminded me. We need to get a handle on our talents, so we won’t flounder when we need them.”

  The ghost hovered, now properly harmless.

  Pia concealed her annoyance at being frightened. “I thought a ghost wasn’t solid.”

  “This one is,” Edsel said. “I can’t make a real ghost, but this is a fake ghost. Go ahead, touch it.”

  Breanna reached out and caught hold of the ghost’s substance. “Sheet,” she said.

  “Can you use such language in Xanth?” Edsel inquired innocently.

  Pia was disgusted. Him and his juvenile sense of humor.

  Justin looked blank, but Breanna almost let half a smile escape. “You can when it’s a bed sheet.” She yanked, and the ghost lurched forward. “OoOo!” it complained.

  Pia touched the sheet. It was indeed solid. She lifted it up and peeked under. There was nothing; it was just material shaped over air.

  The sheet dissipated, and the ghost was gone. “I like it,” Edsel said.

  “You should check yours,” Breanna told Pia.

  “I thought she just did,” Edsel said, with that feigned innocence again.

  “Will you stop that!” Pia snapped.

  “Did he do something?” Justin asked, perplexed.

  “You were a tree too long, dear,” Breanna said fondly.

  “Indubitably. But—”

  “First he implied that a word I said almost sounded bad, though it wasn’t,” she explained. “Then he made a comment that was similar.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Pia realized that the man really had been out of touch too long; he was truly innocent about some things. She liked that.

  “I was suggesting to Pia that she should check her talent,” Breanna said to Justin. “Edsel pretended that I was suggesting that she check her state of—of digestion.”

  “Digestion?”

  “Girls aren’t supposed to have digestion.”

  “Oh.” He remained blank.

  “You have a long row to hoe,” Edsel said to Breanna.

  “I’ll get there,” the girl said. “Now about that talent, Pia—they work different ways. Mine is seeing in blackness, so it doesn’t apply in daytime. Justin’s is voice projection; for a long time he needed it, because didn’t have a mouth. Show them, Justin.”

  “As you wish,” a nearby tree said.

  Startled, Pia looked at the tree. It had no mouth. “Oh—ventriloquism.”

  “Not exactly,” Breanna said. “Watch his mouth.”

  “I am speaking again,” the tree said. Justin’s mouth was firmly closed.

  Pia nodded. “That is impressive.”

  “But yours should be more useful,” Breanna said. “Because you should be able to see any trouble that’s going to happen. But all talents have limits, and it’s best to understand them thoroughly. What do you see in the future?”

  Pia concentrated, uncertain how this worked. She closed her eyes. Then she saw a pretty shore, with pleasant trees by blue water. “It’s just a scene,” she said. “Trees and water.”

  “Do you see yourself?”

  “No. It’s as if I’m doing the looking.”

  “Okay. There’s a limit. You don’t see who whole scene, just what your eyes see. What happened before that?”

  “Nothing I can see. It’s just the scene. Now it’s changing. Oh—there’s Edsel.”

  “What about Justin and me?”

  “I don’t see either of you. Just Edsel.”

  “Can you hear anything?”

  “No. It’s silent.”

  Justin spoke. “This would seem to be purely an ongoing visual talent, perhaps seeing what she will be seeing exactly one day hence. That is indeed limited, but potentially quite useful. Perhaps Breanna and I are walking behind you at the moment. It is encouraging that there is no sign of mischief.”

  “I suppose,” Pia agreed. She was somewhat disappointed; she would have preferred a more versatile vision of the future.

  “Sometimes simple-seeming talents turn out to have important aspects,” Justin said. “You should continue your exploration. I’m sure Nimby would not have given you an inferior talent.”

  “For sure,” Breanna agreed.

  Pia continued to watch, but all she saw was a dull travelogue as she and Edsel walked along the shore. Maybe it would be interesting when they were there, but with the sound turned off, it was like watching a soundless movie. She had done that once on an airplane flight, because she hadn’t wanted to get soaked several dollars to rent germ-laden earphones for two hours. The movie had distracted, frustrated, and bored her something awful. This felt like that.

  “Perhaps if you attempt to change that future scene, you would ascertain useful information,” Justin suggested. He had a vaguely archaic mode of speaking that made him sound much older than he was. Except that he was much older, she remembered; he had taken youth potion. So he was after all in synch. But why was young Breanna so taken with the man?

  “How do I change my future?” she asked.

  “I should suppose that the mere decision to take a different course would be effective. A person’s future is naturally determined by his choices in the present.”

  “All right. I’ll do something else.” Pia concentrated, determined to do something else.

  But the vision of the future did not change.

  They pondered that, but none of them could figure out how she could change her future if it refused to be changed. “I suspect we shall simply have to wait until we arrive at that point,” Justin said. “Then perhaps we can estimate how we might have changed it, and what might be effective thereafter.”

  That seemed to cover it. They walked on down the path. “We don’t have much of an agenda,” Breanna said. “We thought the first day you’d just want to see the local sights. Then tomorrow, maybe we can visit Castle Roogna.”

  Edsel perked up. “I’m not much on the geography of Xanth. But isn’t Castle Roogna south of the Gap Chasm?”

  “For sure. Chlorine arranged for a roc bird to carry us there. It should be a nice trip.”

  “That’s tomorrow?” Pia asked. “Is Castle Roogna by the shore?”

  “No, it’s inland.”

  “Then why am I seeing the shore, tomorrow?”

  That made the girl paused. “Gee, I don’t know. Unless maybe we ask the roc to take us to the Isle of View or something.”

  “The what?”

  “It’s an island named View. Very romantic. Prince Dolph and Princess Electra got married there.” Breanna smiled. “I hear it was quite an event, because neither one of them knew how to signal the stork. But they must have figured it out, because the stork delivered twins.”

  “I wonder if there’s an Isle of View II,” Edsel mused, his tone indicating that this was supposed to be funny. “For the second time around.”

  Pia figured it out: Isle of View I Love You. And I Love You Too. Romantic by definition. She didn’t want to go there with Edsel; he would get ideas. So she would insist on the original tour, to that castle.

  She looked at the future again. It hadn’t changed. They were still wandering along that stupid shore.

  “There’s a sign,” Edsel said, looking ahead.

  The sign said RESTLING-BOXING-SOCKER. An arrow indicated another side path.

  “That’s probably not—” Breanna began. But Edsel was already heading down it.

  “He’s like that,” Pia said with resignation. “Impulsive to a fault.”

  Breanna shrugged. “The side path’s enchanted, so it should be safe. But these diversions aren’t always what you expect.”

  “This is true,” Justin remarked.

  They followed Edsel down the path. They came to a region where several men, women, and children were lying on the ground. They were
n’t sleeping, just lying.

  “You folk okay?” Edsel asked.

  “Of course,” the nearest man said. “We are restling.”

  “Wrestling?”

  “Restling. We are finding out who can laze around the longest. The winner gets to do it again tomorrow.”

  “As we said,” Breanna murmured.

  But Edsel was already going on to the next. This turned out to be a group of people making boxes as quickly as they could. Boxing.

  “Have you seen enough?” Pia asked in a moderately withering way.

  “The Socker should be better,” he said, moving on.

  It wasn’t. People were hurling stinking used socks at each other. The winner was evidently the one who could overcome the others with the intoxicating fumes. Several people were gasping on the ground, and others had purple faces.

  “Go ahead, get in the contest, Ed,” Pia suggested sweetly. “You could win hands down. Or maybe feet down.”

  He shot her a dark look. “You shouldn’t try humor; it’s not your forte.”

  But both Breanna and Justin seemed to be possessed of aspects of a smile.

  They returned to the main path. There at the juncture was a female form so luscious it seemed like a crime. Edsel’s gaze was immediately locked, and so was Justin’s.

  Pia exchanged a glance of annoyance with Breanna. Men were so superficial.

  “Hi,” Edsel said, approaching the figure.

  “’Lo,” the figure responded in a sultry manner. That was all there was; it was swathed in a toga-like wrapping of scintillating cloth, so that only the hourglass outline could be made out.

  “What can I do for you?” Edsel asked eagerly. He was such a fool about women.

  The figure began unwinding the cloth. Soon the face would be exposed. “I thought I might ask one tiny little favor.”

  “We’re not looking to do favors,” Breanna said. “We’re a special party touring Xanth. So if it’s all the same to you—”

  “By no means,” the figure said in dulcet tones. “It is very miscellaneous for me.”

  “It is what?” Edsel asked.

  “Unlike, altered, contrary, deviant—”

  “Different?”

  “Whatever,” she agreed crossly.

  “The Demoness Metria!” Justin exclaimed. “I have heard of you. The demoness with a speech impediment.”

  The opening hood turned to him. “You have an obstruction with that?”

  “A what?”

  “Problem,” Breanna snapped. “No, we don’t have a problem with that. But we’re not in the business of favors.”

  “Fortunately I wasn’t asking you,” Metria said, exposing her lovely face. “I was asking these handsome gentlemen.”

  “Anything,” Edsel breathed raptly.

  “Not anything,” Breanna said. “We have other business.”

  Pia wondered why the girl was being so negative. The strip tease was annoying, but didn’t seem to warrant such emphatic denial.

  The demoness unwrapped some more. Her sculptured slender neck came into view, and the first divine upper swell of her gently heaving bosom. “I thought if you were touring Xanth anyway, you could take along my darling Ted.”

  “Ted?” Edsel asked foolishly, his mind evidently on that swell rather than her words.

  “My baby. You have no idea what I went through to get him delivered. But now Demon Ted is three, and wants to explore Xanth.” Her rose-petal mouth quirked. “Without his cadaver.”

  “His what?”

  She unwound some more. “Corpse, carcass, deceased, embalmed, bandaged—”

  “Mummy!” Pia said, before thinking. “His mummy.”

  “Whatever,” the demoness agreed crossly. She unwound some more, baring an unbelievable bosom barely covered by a translucent halter, and proceeding down to a waist that was three sizes smaller than impossible.

  “Sure, anything,” Edsel agreed, his eyes spiraling down in concert with the unraveling winding.

  “Acquiescence,” Justin agreed.

  “We’re in for it now,” Breanna muttered darkly.

  “And of course his inseparable friend of the same age, DeMonica,” Metria continued as the winding bared her expanding hips.

  “Why not,” Edsel said.

  “What’s wrong with three year olds?” Pia asked Breanna. “Not that I care.”

  “They’re half demon,” Breanna said tersely. “Ted has a human father and demoness mother, while Monica has a demon father and human mother. They’re cute, but worse than any human children can be.”

  “Well, let the menfolk take care of them. They’re the ones who are slavering.”

  “You ever see worse incompetence than a man with a baby?”

  “Point made. The job will fall to us.”

  “For sure.”

  Meanwhile Metria was winding down to her splendid thighs. “That creature could irk me, if she made the effort,” Pia remarked.

  “And she’s not even trying.”

  “So you folk will keep good eyes on them, and not let them get into any mischief?” the demoness asked as her long symmetrical legs appeared. Their juncture was covered by another trifle of haze.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Edsel agreed. Pia wasn’t sure, but it almost seemed that his eyeballs were smoking.

  “Excellent!” Metria stepped out of the last winding. “Just for that, I’ll show you my—”

  “Don’t show them your panties!” Breanna cried.

  The demoness paused. “Why not? Aren’t they of age? They will earn the glimpse.”

  “Because it will freak them out, and they won’t be able to do the job.”

  Metria considered. “You do have a prong.”

  “A what?” Pia asked, again before she thought.

  “Pin, spur, tine, spike—”

  “Point?”

  “Whatever. So I’ll just leave the little darlings.”

  The demoness gathered up the strewn winding, dissolved into smoke, and separated into two blobs. The blobs dropped to the ground, dissipated, and revealed two children.

  “I’m Ted,” the boy said. He wore a little frilly pink dress with matching feminine sandals. His blond hair was tied with a red ribbon.

  “I’m Monica,” the girl said. She wore blue shorts and matching sneakers. She had large brown eyes, a turned up nose, and short brown hair.

  But they were indeed cute. “Uh, haven’t you gotten something confused?” Pia asked them.

  The children looked at each other. Then they laughed together, and their clothing started to change. Soon he wore the shorts and she wore the dress. Her hair also lengthened to support the red ribbon, while his shortened.

  Edsel came out of his haze. “What happened?” he asked.

  “A demoness smoked your eyeballs,” Breanna said. “Now we have a chore.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he agreed vaguely.

  “Let’s explore!” Ted cried, dashing off. Monica followed.

  “Stay on the path!” Breanna called after them.

  Monica paused, looking back. “Why?”

  “Because you’re half human. If a dragon chomps you, you’ll feel it. A dragon can’t get you on the enchanted path.”

  The child made a cute moue. “Awww, okay.”

  “At least they will listen to reason,” Pia said.

  “For the moment. We’ll have watch closely, though.” The girl glanced at Pia. “Sorry about this. I tried to stop it, but—”

  “But the men were idiots,” Pia said. She liked Breanna better as she got to know her; she was just trying to do her job.

  They followed the children.

  “Hey, there’s a B,” Ted said, pointing.

  “It’s a rate,” Monica agreed.

  “What are they talking about?” Pia asked.

  “The B’s make the people they sting emotional,” Justin explained. “A B-rate would make a person scold others.”

  Pia grimaced. “Sorry I asked.”

  “There�
�s a Joy stick,” Ted said, pointing to a little column beside the path.

  “No, it’s a Sad stick,” Monica said. Indeed, the stick did look droopy.

  They rushed on, losing interest, while the human party tried to keep up.

  “Where are we going?” Pia asked Breanna.

  “We thought you’d like to see some of the routine sights of Xanth. Like a tangle tree, a dragon, a centaur—sort of starting out easy.”

  “That will do,” Pia agreed. “Aren’t some of those dangerous?”

  “Not as long as we stay on the enchanted path.”

  “Suppose those little demons run off it?”

  “That’s one reason I didn’t want them along. But probably they’ll stay close. Otherwise Metria wouldn’t have left them. She does care; she has half a soul.”

  “Half a soul?”

  “Demons don’t have souls, because they are souls,” Breanna explained. “When you use your soul as a body, it gets degraded, and you lose its finer aspects. So they don’t have much conscience, and they can’t really love. But Metria got a taste of what souled life was like, and got a hankering, and finally married a mortal man and got half his soul. It’s sort of a convention; a demon who marries a mortal can have the better half. Then she has a conscience, and can love, in a half-donkeyed way.”

  “But what of the man? Can he get along with only half a soul?”

  “Oh, sure. It regenerates, in mortals. Not right away; I think it takes several months. But in time it will be whole again. It doesn’t regenerate in demons, but for one of them, half a functioning soul is infinitely more than what they’re used to, so they don’t miss the rest.”

  “What about the little demons?”

  “They’re half human, so I think they have whole souls.” The girl paused. “Though I’ve heard of a demoness losing her soul when she had a mortal child; the baby gets it. So I guess I’m not sure. Maybe the offspring have quarter souls.”

  Pia was curious. “Maybe we can find out. We can ask the children.”

  “Yeah.” Breanna put two fingers to her mouth and whistled.

  The children paused in their running. “We didn’t do anything,” Ted protested guiltily.

  “For sure. I just want to ask you something.”

  They came back, somewhat warily. “Real people aren’t supposed to lie,” Monica said.

  “I’m not lying,” Breanna said. “But it seems that you’ve been into some mischief I should ask you about also.”