Room to Breathe

by Liz Talley

  “Yeah, but overall my career has brought a lot of good things.”

  “To you. But not her. Your career changed you, and she doesn’t want you to change. She wants you to be who you always were—making her cookies, married to her dad, and bending over backward to make life easy for her. It’s quite natural in one way, but it’s impractical for a girl who is growing into a woman. She can’t have her cake and eat it, too. Right?” Tippy’s eyes stayed on her, searching her emotions.

  “Yeah, I get it, but she has a right to be angry about Clay.”

  “Ellery doesn’t want Clay. So why can’t you have him? I think we know this is not about age but about competition.”

  “If Ellery wanted Clay, she could have him.” Daphne ran her finger around the lip of the cup.

  “No, I don’t think so. I think that’s part of it. He’s the only guy who ever dumped her.”

  Daphne thought back to that time in her life. Rex had just bought a new building and made Pinnacle a multibranch company, and she’d started taking watercolor classes since Ellery no longer needed a ride to school. It had been the first step in her new career. Ellery had a habit of falling in and out of love with various boys at the time—the child had been in love with the concept of having a boyfriend. Clay Caldwell had been the one she’d chased . . . and then wept over.

  “Maybe that’s true. I don’t know.” Daphne spread her hands wide and tried to wrap her brain around all Tippy had suggested. “But I don’t want Clay. He’s not the guy for me. I just had a lapse in judgment. I was upset, but the knock on the door snapped me back to reality and reminded me I don’t want a relationship based solely on sexual attraction. Of course, when Clay opened the door and Ellery stood there stunned, I just wanted to die. Good Lord, her face when she realized.”

  “Again, that didn’t give her the right to run off like a spoiled child.”

  Daphne pressed a hand against her chest. “Maybe not . . . or maybe so.”

  “Honey, you spent a lot of money on this weekend celebration, not to mention time. And I believe her friends did, too. Running away because she couldn’t deal was a shitty move on Elle’s part. Doesn’t matter how upset she was with you.”

  Daphne had to acknowledge that Tippy made some good points. She definitely wore blinders when it came to her daughter. What mother didn’t? But she also knew Ellery’s behavior was a result of not being able to cope with what life had thrown at her. Instead of bouncing when adversity hit, Ellery had shattered and still tried to pick up the pieces. Daphne hadn’t really known how to handle her daughter’s disappointment, either. She’d tried to help by giving her a job, buying things for her apartment, and bolstering Ellery’s ego every chance she got. She didn’t want her daughter to feel like a failure or to be unhappy. That’s what mothers did for their children. That was their job.

  “I know you’re right, but I have to figure out a way to reach her. She’s so angry, and I suspect things aren’t good with Josh. And now with Rex not paying her bills . . .”

  “I’ve loved Ellery for a long time, Daph. I know how wonderful she is, and I also know how difficult she can be. She’s always been worth the while, but some things she’s got to figure out by herself.”

  “I know, but I also know that everyone needs support. That’s my job—to support her.”

  “Actually, that’s not your job, honey,” Tippy said.

  Daphne made a face.

  “You know I’m right. If you make the way smooth, she’ll never learn how to navigate the rocks and potholes. You can’t fix the world for Ellery any more than your mother could have fixed it for you. We all learn to live with what life hands us, and if we’re brave enough, we learn how to fight what the world gives us and forge our own paths.”

  “But she needs me,” Daphne said, sounding almost desperate. Didn’t Tippy Lou understand? Or maybe she couldn’t because she’d never had a child, didn’t know what ends of the earth a mother went to for her children. Daphne would sacrifice every bit of her own success to see her daughter happy.

  Tippy tilted her head. “You remember when Ellery was in that LEGO phase?”

  Where was Tippy Lou going this time? “Sure, I stepped on a million of those suckers that summer.”

  “Elle always wanted those elaborate sets, remember? The big ones that cost an arm and a leg? A few times she lost the pieces, and I can still see her wailing and flailing because the pirate ship couldn’t be completed or the spaceship wasn’t perfect. She’d fuss a little while, and then she’d tear it apart all the way down to that little green sheet thing. Then she would build her own project. Remember?”

  “She was always so creative.”

  Tippy reached for Daphne’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Ellery’s got some pieces missing right now, and that means she’s going to have to figure out how to make something different of her life. You can’t do that for her because it’s her little green sheet thingy to build upon. You’ve got your own project, my love. So let her figure it out. You can’t fix what’s wrong with her this time, Mama.”

  Daphne felt her heart sink because she knew Tippy Lou was right. The older woman may not have had her own children, but her wide taste in reading paired with her astute observations after teaching for thirty years had given Tippy incredible insight into relationships. Her advice was usually spot-on. Daphne’s mother, Norma, was likely high-fiving her old friend for the wisdom she’d imparted . . . if Daphne’s mother were prone to high-fiving someone, which she was not because she was way too proper to slap hands in such an undignified manner. Well, at least she wouldn’t have done it anywhere except behind closed doors. “That’s good advice.”

  “So take it.”

  “I guess I will.” Daphne finished the last of her tea, rose, and set the cup in the sink.

  Tippy Lou cleared her throat.

  Daphne turned. “I’ll try really hard. I promise.”

  “Good.”

  “Let’s change the subject. Did I tell you I have a date? Like a legit date?” Daphne glanced over at Tippy Lou, trying not to smile because she knew the older woman would be pleased.

  “What? With who?”

  Daphne grinned. “The vineyard owner.”

  “The one Rex embarrassed you in front of?”

  “Yep. I’ll be going on the first real date of my life next Friday night.”

  Tippy laughed. “Look at my girl growing up. Her first date.”

  “It’s about freaking time,” Daphne said, then whistled for Jonas. The mutt begrudgingly rose from his warm patch of sunshine.

  Daphne totally understood wanting to bask in the rays. Something about being at Tippy Lou’s made a person want to stay put and enjoy the simplicity for as long as possible. The avocado-green, harvest-gold, shagged comfort of the old farmhouse was a time warp away from the harsh reality of life outside the doorstep.

  But eventually, a gal had to step outside and face the real world.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Daphne,

  Since you haven’t answered my last few emails, I’m assuming we’re moving beyond emails to texting? I’m actually good with that, but I have to say, I have enjoyed opening my in-box more in the past few months than I ever have before. There’s something romantic (dare I say that?) about corresponding via the written word. Great love letters of the past have always intrigued me—there’s something so intentional about writing a letter or, in our case, an email. I’ve felt a bit like Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail, wondering about you behind that screen. Still, I’m very pleased that we have moved beyond mere words to starting something more. I’m looking forward to dinner next weekend.

  Best,

  Evan

  “You want some more pasta?” Ellery asked Josh before snapping the lid onto the bowl and setting it back in the fridge. She slid her cell phone in her pocket, berating herself for looking at email and messages when she finally had Josh’s full attention. And she didn’t know what to do about Evan. Obviously her mother and Eva
n were going out, so it wouldn’t be long before the man figured out that he really didn’t know Daphne. And that the person he’d been emailing was a phony.

  “No, thanks. Dinner was good, honey,” he said, sipping the last of the wine they’d opened. For once, they had eaten dinner together at their pretty glass-topped bistro in the nook of their town house. Ellery couldn’t remember if they had ever used it after moving in. Usually the table held junk mail and Josh’s study materials. She should have cleared it off, bought flowers, and set out real dishes before now, and maybe they would have had more dinners together.

  Or not.

  Josh didn’t seem to be swayed about where he ate. Only by how much studying he needed to do. Still, she was happy that her renewed commitment to the plan was already working. She had assumed he wouldn’t eat dinner with her and had set a place for one at the table. When she’d popped the cork on her discount wine, he’d wandered into the dining area and sat down at the table as if it were an everyday routine. In fact, she’d had to scramble to set a place for herself next to him at the table.

  “I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for eating with me.” She squirted the counter with cleaner and studied the man, who had come home earlier than expected. He’d seem preoccupied but had made a few jokes and eaten all the grilled chicken and veggies she’d picked up at a local Mediterranean restaurant.

  “Sure. I’m sorry I haven’t been home much. I’ll try harder to study here more.”

  Ellery paused, surprised at his words. “That would be good. I’ve missed you.”

  He turned his head and smiled at her. Then and there she remembered why she’d fallen for him. His blue eyes were so full of . . . concern? Apology? She wasn’t sure.

  “I know it’s been rough these past few months, Elle. I wish I could go back and do some things differently. This med school thing has been harder than I expected. I haven’t adjusted well, and that’s made it hard on you.”

  His words made her lower her eyes.

  Josh had hurt her . . . but she’d created something destructive with that hurt.

  Maybe now was the time to reveal that she’d been so lonely she’d started emailing a stranger and then proceeded to carry on a secret relationship with him. She’d just read Evan’s email and knew that ticking time bomb was approaching zero. And if she admitted to a clandestine relationship with Evan, should she also admit she’d kissed Evan’s nephew? Twice? And liked it so much she wished there had been a third time? How far was she willing to go to demonstrate exactly how lonely, unhappy, and . . . full of doubt she’d been?

  Because she could no longer ignore whatever Gage had started in her when they had kissed. She didn’t want to want Gage or to think about the way he felt against her, but she couldn’t seem to control her thoughts. He was like the flu—she could tell herself she wasn’t getting it, but she was. Those feelings scared her because nothing about Gage was in her plan for her life. Neither was snooping on computers or emailing handsome vineyard owners. Nothing she’d been doing for the past three months was good for her or her relationship with Josh.

  “It has been hard, Josh. I can’t lie. I feel disconnected, and I don’t know how to get back what we had. It worries me. I wonder if I’m what you really want.”

  Josh gave her a sad smile. “It’s not that bad, is it? I know I’ve been preoccupied, but I didn’t realize how unhappy you’ve been until you bailed on your party. I need to pay better attention to you.”

  Like she was a dog or something. Let me carve out fifteen minutes a day to walk you and play fetch. So her crazed run from reality was what had done it for him, huh? Nothing like some bad behavior and drama to make people sit up and pay attention. Ol’ Ellery, the squeaky wheel.

  Of course, her flight from the weekend had done it for her, too, but she hadn’t been able to turn the car around. She kept driving into the sun, heading west, imagining she was like one of those women who’d run from trying circumstances a few hundred years ago, escaping to a new future in a new frontier, embracing the hope a new life could bring. Of course, many of those pioneers had ended up dying from dysentery, so there was that. But Ellery couldn’t go back and face her mother, her father, her fiancé, and the man who’d made her feel like a cat turd on a fancy deli sandwich. She just could not do it.

  So she’d checked into a hotel near the airport, just in case Dallas didn’t prove far enough. Then she’d shut off her phone, climbed in the big, soft bed, and turned on the Hallmark Channel. Because she needed to believe that life could be exactly like those movies. Perfect hair, beautiful autumn leaves, and a cowboy with a farm that needed a decorator who was spunky and made him forget his loss. Why couldn’t life be like a Hallmark movie, huh?

  Five hours later, she’d shut off the television, ordered a double cheeseburger with fries and a piece of cheesecake, and taken an hour soak in the Jacuzzi tub. Then she climbed back into the rumpled bed and slept for nine straight hours. When she awoke, everything was clear.

  Last year when Josh had gotten accepted into medical school in Shreveport and told her he wanted to build a future with her, she’d formulated her plan. She would graduate, make the move to NYC, and spend a weekend or two a month with Josh. After a year, she’d net a fabulous job in NYC or parlay her experience into a job closer to Josh. Her dream was to have her own line, of course. She’d do something like Reese Witherspoon had done with Draper James—create a line that was fun, southern, and wearable—but might have to wait a few years before that could happen. By that time, she and Josh would be married, he’d be in residency, and they would be living a fabulous life somewhere that was not Shreveport.

  What an idiot she’d been.

  The most important elements in the equation were she and Josh. She should have been focusing on their future together, but she’d let herself get sidetracked by a healthy dose of self-pity and an inappropriate relationship with a) an older man who thought she was her mom and b) a hot bartender who thought she was a spoiled brat. Oh, and her world had been shaken by that video on Josh’s computer, of course, but she was nearly certain that it was some kind of hoax. Or curiosity. So she decided to regather her intentions and make a new plan. She got dressed, sat down, grabbed a Hilton notepad, and started writing.

  Eventually she settled on four goals:

  One: She needed to recognize that anything worth having required sacrifice. Ellery needed to be more patient with Josh and herself.

  Two: She needed to come clean to Evan about her deception. No more sneaking around and taking pleasure in something she had no business pursuing.

  Three: She would take a break from her parents. That meant paying her own bills (somehow) and working from home in order to figure out how she wanted to handle her mother and this whole Clay thing. She was not going to rush into confrontation.

  Four: She needed to be more practical when it came to her career. That meant opening herself to something outside of fashion.

  Gage wasn’t on the list because he could not be there. His role had been to wake her from the destructive path she was on. If she had been in her right frame of mind, she wouldn’t have even looked twice at him, much less kissed him. She would erase him from her life because that was how it had to be. She was in control of her mind, and she refused to remember how he felt, smelled, tasted, or any other stupid sense that wanted to remember him. She’d already washed his number from her hand . . . and she would tear up the paper she’d written it on.

  And that was that.

  After writing down her intentions, she’d checked out of the hotel, texted a generic group text, I’m sorry—wasn’t feeling well, to her family and friends, and then driven back to Shreveport determined to get her life back. When she arrived, she went to the market and bought sensible groceries and a sad half-price bouquet she’d spruced up with red maple leaves and goldenrod clipped from a field near their town house. Then she made dinner and served a subpar wine that was good enough but easy on the pocketbook.

  Ellery W
itt wasn’t a quitter.

  Josh smiled at her and patted his lap. “Come here, beautiful.”

  Ellery sank onto his lap and looped her arms around his neck. “I think we both have to be intentional with one another. Just think about each other’s feelings a bit more.”

  He looked up at her, his expression warm. “That’s a good plan.”

  “I’m good at plans.” She kissed him, her heart knitting itself back together with her intentions and the way he squeezed her against him. They would be okay.

  Except his kiss didn’t feel like Gage’s. It felt . . . forced.

  No. She wasn’t supposed to compare Gage to Josh. She loved Josh. He was her future, and Gage was nothing but a moment of insanity. Erase Gage already.

  Ellery broke the kiss and looked into Josh’s soft blue eyes. “Before we close this conversation and you go back to studying, I have to ask you something that’s sort of uncomfortable for me.”

  “What?”

  She sucked in a deep breath and exhaled. “Why do you have a video of a guy giving another guy a blow job on your computer?”

  She felt Josh’s body tighten before he shoved her off his lap. “What the fuck, Elle? You were on my computer?”

  Ellery turned toward him. She’d expected him to be angry, of course, but not this upset. He was supposed to laugh and make a joke of it. “I used your computer to check my email Friday night.”

  His eyes were no longer soft. “And what? You thought you would snoop around? Look at my stuff?”

  “Not really. I just happened upon the video. I didn’t know what it was.”

  He swallowed hard. “Well, I don’t even know what video you’re talking about. I don’t have anything like that on my computer.” He shoved the chair back, looking livid, but she also noticed he didn’t look at her.

  “I mean, if you like, um, stuff that’s . . . different, well, I think fantasies are good. Healthy.”

  “Are you shitting me? I’m not into . . . that.” Josh shoved a hand into his hair, and his face narrowed even more. “Okay, first, I don’t know what video you’re talking about. Second, if that was on my laptop, someone else put it on there. Maybe as a joke or something.”