Room to Breathe
Page 25
Ellery managed a smile. “So you’re saying we all got problems?”
Rachel grinned. “Yeah. We all got them.”
“Look, chicken, you’re having a bad couple of months. It won’t last,” Fiona said, taking a drink from the waiter and passing it to Ellery. Taking her own, she lifted it. “A toast to bitches who persevere in the face of adversity. One foot in front of the other . . . wearing cute shoes, I might add, is our best defense.”
“Hear, hear,” Rachel said, clinking her glass to Fiona’s.
“I’m down,” Ellery said, touching her sugar-rimmed glass to the others. “Misery loves company.”
“And we’re good company,” Rachel said with a laugh.
For the next half hour, they chatted about work, and Ellery tried to forget her troubles. Once she pulled her phone from her crossbody purse and checked messages. Nothing from Josh or her mother. There was one from her father, but she wasn’t ready to talk to him, either. Both her parents had behaved badly, and she couldn’t deal with them. She wasn’t sure she could deal with much of anything lately.
“I know a great bar downtown where you can hear decent bands. Who wants to continue the night? After all, it’s Friday, and we are young and mostly single.” Fiona leveled slightly glassy dark eyes at them.
Normally, Ellery would beg off, but what did she have to do at nine thirty on a Friday night? Go home and mope? Yeah, that was pretty much it.
“Fine. I’m in,” Ellery said.
Rachel clapped her hands. “Yay, this will be fun. Let’s get the check, and I’ll get an Uber.”
Ellery smiled, and this time her smile felt genuine. A year ago if someone had told her she would be going downtown to hear a band with a bisexual black woman and a girl who wore socks with sandals, she would have thought they were smoking crack. Yet, at that very moment, even after calling her mother a whore in front of half of Shreveport, Ellery felt better than she had in a long time. Fiona and Rachel made her feel comfortable with herself. They made her feel like a better person. And she really needed to feel that way.
Because she was certain that she wasn’t such a good person. Not if she’d called her mother a whore, lied to her fiancé, and still fantasized about a certain bartender even though she knew she shouldn’t.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Nearly a week after her memorable date, Daphne caught Josh kissing another man in a CVS parking lot.
She’d just pulled in the parking lot of the CVS to fetch the Benadryl her father had requested in a panic at nine fifty-five on a Thursday night when she saw her daughter’s fiancé. There were only a few clusters of cars sitting in front of the twenty-four-hour drugstore. It wasn’t her regular place to grab a prescription or snack, but she’d stayed late at a book club meeting at a member’s house in Keithville and was on her way home when her father called.
“I ate shellfish, Pickles,” her father had rasped, skipping the greeting when she’d answered his call.
“Daddy, why in the world did you do that?” She sighed, glanced at her clock, and then looked for an exit. If she could find a CVS or Walgreens, she could grab an antihistamine and be at her father’s assisted-living apartment in less than twenty minutes.
“Because those little suckers are seductive,” her father managed to impart. Though it sounded more like Sylvester the Cat saying it. Thufferin’ thuccotash. “Gonna need some of that medicine. My lips already look like those women who get all the plastic surgery.”
“Can you breathe okay?”
“Yeah. Same as last time. Just swelling up.”
“I’m on my way now. Hang tight.”
“Thank you, honey,” her father said, the apology in his voice scrubbing away her annoyance. The man loved shrimp even though he wasn’t supposed to eat it. Thankfully, it wasn’t usually a life-threatening allergy, but she knew that allergies were fickle and could turn into something more dangerous. Her father needed to be more responsible.
When she arrived at the drugstore, her lights flashed by an occupied car. She didn’t pay much attention since she was reviewing a mental list. She needed to pick up some creamer for her tea and a roll of paper towels to tide her over. She shut the car off and reached for her purse, her gaze snagging upon the two men arguing in the car. The driver was emphatically gesticulating, and a coil of alarm went up Daphne’s back. There had been a shooting a few nights ago in a different store parking lot. Someone had pulled a gun, and a bystander had been struck and gravely injured.
Just as she was about to crank her car to move it to the other side, the man in the passenger’s seat turned his head.
Josh.
He hadn’t seen her because he was too busy making his point to the driver, who himself was jabbing his finger on the steering wheel and shaking his head.
Daphne grabbed her purse, wondering if she should say hello or just get the goods and get out since the two men seemed to be arguing. Her hand touched the door latch right as the driver grabbed Josh’s head and kissed him.
And it wasn’t a friendship kiss. Not that guys really engaged in such . . . maybe a few guys from South Louisiana. They liked to smack a kiss on a cheek regardless of gender. But this wasn’t one of those.
Nope, this was passionate, and Josh was very obviously into it.
A lump formed in her throat as disbelief slammed into her over what she was witnessing. The man was cheating on her daughter right before her eyes. Add to that it was with a guy. Did this mean her daughter’s fiancé was gay? And if he were gay, why in all that was holy was he engaged to Ellery?
Daphne couldn’t look away from the two men, who seemed to grow more and more . . . uh, turned on.
What should she do? Film them? Blow her horn? Storm up to the window and demand answers? Or pretend she’d not seen the encounter?
Her phone buzzed, and she ripped her gaze from the two men tangled in each other and glanced down.
Can you get me some Preparation H, too? Got a flare-up.
Why had she taught her father to text? He loved to send her lists. Of course, she always got him what he wanted, so she couldn’t blame him for asking for what he wanted. Her father wasn’t a dumbass. But the irony of needing hemorrhoidal cream while watching the asshole her daughter was engaged to blatantly cheating was not lost. Flare-up indeed.
Sucking in a deep breath, she glanced again at Josh making out with a rather good-looking guy in the middle of a parking lot and climbed out of the car. The area wasn’t the safest, but the parking lot was well lit, and a security guard stood near the whooshing doors of the store. She could likely get in and out without Josh seeing her, but for some reason, she wanted him to see her . . . if he came up for air.
So she walked toward their vehicle, where luckily a stray shopping cart sat a few spots down. They didn’t seem to notice her. They were busy. Obviously.
Daphne snagged the cart and swung it in a wide circle that took her even closer. They did not pull apart. She stopped and glanced at the storefront, where the security officer stood watching her.
Should she? Or should she not?
If she interrupted, Josh would know he was busted. What were the ramifications for Ellery? Well, for one, it was probably a given that there wouldn’t be a wedding. If she moved along and ignored Josh’s bad behavior and conflicting sexual identity, what were those ramifications? She could think of none that were the least bit satisfactory. Maybe for the lying bastard kissing another man, but none for her daughter.
Without any further thought, she approached the car and tapped on the passenger window.
The two men jerked apart, a shocked scramble to return to their seats, and Daphne caught the wide-eyed expression of the driver. But after the fear and shock subsided, Josh’s expression was . . . honestly something that made her so incredibly sad that she forgot to be mortified and outraged at his behavior.
At first he was frightened, as anyone would be when someone knocks on his car window when the occupant’s, uh, preoccupied.
At that point, absolute misery covered his face.
He turned to the driver and shook his head before unlocking the door and climbing out.
Daphne had stepped back and clutched the shopping cart because it gave her trembling hands something to do. Josh shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket. He still had on the scrubs he wore to school, and he looked like he’d been kicked in the head.
For a few seconds neither of them said a thing. Daphne waited and Josh studied his feet.
“Josh?” Daphne said, after it was clear he wasn’t going to initiate the conversation.
His shoulders sank, but he said nothing.
“Josh? You have to say something.”
“I can’t think of what to say. I really can’t. I’m sorry? Don’t tell Ellery? Pretend you didn’t see that?” Josh glanced up at her, his eyes pools of despair and guilt. “I tried so hard . . . I really tried to stop this from happening, Daphne.”
Daphne, as angry, shocked, and upset as she was, felt her heart break for the man standing before her.
“I don’t understand,” she said, because she could think of nothing else to say to such a devastating revelation. But she knew exactly what he meant. He had tried to fight against himself, but ultimately what had gone on in that car was something a person couldn’t run from.
He rubbed his face, squeezing it as he winced. “I don’t, either, because I love Ellery. I do. She’s the best, but . . .” He trailed off and looked up at the moths dive-bombing the fluorescent lights high above them before returning his gaze to hers. “I didn’t know . . . what love really felt like until I fell in love with someone else. I didn’t want to. You have to understand that I really, really didn’t want this to happen.”
“You’re not in love with Ellery.” A statement. Not a question.
“No.” He shook his head and returned his gaze to hers. “I want to be. I never imagined this would happen. It’s not what I want for my life. My father’s a pastor, and while he can overlook some things, having a gay son isn’t one of them. But what I feel when I’m with Drew, well, it’s real, and it’s not going away no matter how much I try to make it.”
Daphne released her death grip on the shopping cart. “You can’t keep hiding this from her, Josh.”
Tears sheened in Josh’s eyes, and one made its way down his cheek. Facing hard truths about one’s life wasn’t a cakewalk, and she pitied Josh for the upheaval he would face in the coming weeks and months. Her daughter’s happiness was like a beautiful ice sculpture, destined to melt under the heat of the truth. Yet the truth would have to come. Josh wasn’t allowed to use Ellery so he could hide who he was.
Eventually, Josh inhaled and exhaled. “But I want to be the other Josh. The one who is engaged to Ellery. Maybe if I—”
“You can’t pretend this away. You know that, right?”
He shrugged and swiped the tear from his cheek.
“Some people may have trouble accepting who you truly are, but the world has changed a lot, Josh, and for the better when it comes to being gay.”
He flinched at the word. “What if I’m not? I . . . I’ve been with girls, and it was fine.”
“And it’s the same as when you’re with him?” She pointed to the car where the other man waited.
Josh swallowed and slowly shook his head.
“You might find leading a life free from pretense a lot easier than you think, but that’s not my decision to make. That belongs to you. But you have to tell Ellery the truth. You’re not being fair to her . . . or faithful.”
“I know. But how do I do that? I can’t do this to her, Daphne.” Agony in every syllable of every word.
“So your solution is to carry on a secret affair while she decides what flowers to put in her bouquet? Or maybe you’ll wait until after the engagement party in March? Just how long will you put off telling her you’re not in love with her and are sleeping with another man?”
“Oh God. That sounds so . . . I mean, I know I can’t marry her. I just don’t know how to undo all this.” Josh ran his hand through his normally perfect hair and looked up as if he could get deliverance. “Her year has been so shitty, and I don’t want her to feel rejected again. I thought if she could just get a job in another city, it would be easier to break the engagement and tell her the truth. Then she would be away from me, away from here, living a new life. Our breakup wouldn’t matter as much.”
“God, Josh, why did you propose to her in the first place?”
“Because I do love her. I mean, obviously not the way she deserves to be loved, but I didn’t realize . . . I mean, I didn’t meet Drew until August and—” He pressed his lips together, glancing back at the man sitting silently in the car. “I didn’t know what it felt like. I wasn’t trying to deceive Ellery. God knows she means so much to me, and that’s why I have been staying away from her. I can’t bear what I’m doing, but I can’t seem to stop.”
Daphne shook her head. “You’re intentionally sabotaging your relationship. Is that so she’ll dump you? What kind of manipulation is that, Josh? You can’t make her think it’s her fault. That she’s done something wrong. If you don’t want to own up to your sexuality, that’s your business, but taking my daughter along on your train of guilt is my business.”
“I wasn’t doing that. I don’t know, maybe subconsciously I was hoping she’d walk away from me, and that would be easier than breaking her heart. Mostly I stayed away because I’ve been carrying on this affair, lying to myself and Ellery and wishing I were brave enough to own up to what I’m doing.”
Daphne was almost certain there were no books on how to confront your daughter’s future husband about having an affair with whoever this guy in the car was, so she wasn’t sure how she could help Josh. “The chickens have come home to roost. I don’t care who you tell, or if you want to spend your whole life hiding who you are, but you’re going to out yourself to my daughter. She will not think she’s the reason you two didn’t work out.”
He looked down at his feet again. Scuffing his toe against the asphalt, he cleared his throat. “Don’t you think I should wait? At least until she hears about the internships? Or maybe after the holidays?”
“No. I think she deserves to know right this very minute that the man she loves is sleeping with someone else . . . and that he’s gay and has known that for some time.”
Josh jerked his head up. “That’s not true. I wasn’t totally sure.”
Daphne arched one eyebrow and gave him the “mom stare.”
“Okay, I thought maybe I was bisexual or something.” He lifted one shoulder, his mouth quirking into another guilty expression. “I tried not to think about it. I wanted to be normal.”
“Normal? This might be your normal, Josh.”
He nodded. “Maybe so. I just want to do the right thing.”
“If you care about Ellery as much as you say you do, coming clean and letting her move on is the right thing.” Her phone buzzed, and she remembered why she stood in the CVS parking lot. Benadryl for her father. Oh, and hemorrhoidal cream. “I am going out of town next week. When I return, Ellery will know about this. If she doesn’t, I will tell her.”
Josh made a pathetic noise. “How will I tell her? I don’t know how to make her understand that—”
Daphne set a hand on his shoulder. “In this case, Josh, I think the old ‘it’s me, not you’ line should work perfectly.”
With that, she walked toward the sliding doors of the drugstore, her heart thumping from the adrenaline that had poured through her. Her fingers still trembled with emotion, and though she felt sorry for the man agonizing over his life in the parking lot, a deep anger had burgeoned within her. Josh had not only duped himself by thinking he could live a straight life when he was not straight, but he’d dragged her baby into his del
usion. No wonder Ellery had seemed so unhappy these past few months. Josh was staying away for a huge reason—he was running from the truth in his life. Her Ellery was a casualty of his lie to himself.
Lies . . . they had such a way of catching up to a person.
But then again, hiding transgressions did the same. Or maybe it wasn’t hiding transgressions—it was giving in to a bad decision in the first place. She’d allowed a few kind words (and a stupid book) to trip her into the tangled web of sleeping with practically an infant. At present she was still pulling cobwebs from her hair. But she wasn’t the only one who’d made bad choices. Her daughter had allowed a simple request by a handsome widower to turn into a secret relationship . . . or at least from what she could tell. She assumed it started because Ellery was lonely and needed to feel like someone was interested.
Evan had been surprised and disappointed to learn Daphne was not the person he’d been having a relationship with for months. Daphne couldn’t lie and say it hadn’t put a damper on the excitement she’d had for going out with Evan. She was attracted to him and wanted to explore that fluttery feeling she got when she thought about him, but her life was so sideways that it wouldn’t be fair to pursue something with him until she got it right side up again. She’d told him as much when they’d pulled into her driveway last Friday night.
“I would invite you in for a drink, but I know you have to drive back to Texas tonight. I don’t want a Smokey to pull you over,” she said as the headlight beams swept across the brilliant-colored Bradford pear tree and the detached garage painted to match the barn. After the showdown with Ellery, all she wanted to do was pull on her favorite pj’s and climb into bed with Jonas. Her loyal hound would help her lick her wounds with his solid presence at her feet.