Fashionably Fooled

by peterman, robyn

  “Yep.”

  “Then I’d suggest you stop speaking.”

  “Permanently?” he questioned.

  It was so tempting. “Sadly, no. Just for the next half hour.”

  “Roger that,” he replied with a salute that knocked the bloody green beret off his head.

  Now to find out if the one who penned the letter was standing in front of me.

  “Girls, girls, girls, my womb eviction day is fast approaching,” I said casually as I gave them back the use of their mouths with a slice of my hand through the air. “Have any of you procured a gift for me yet?”

  “You have a birthday?” Sloth asked, genuinely confused.

  Sloth was off the suspect list. Since it was impossible for them to lie to me, this would be easy and blood-free.

  “I prefer womb eviction day,” I explained. “And yes, I do indeed.”

  “When is it?” Greed asked, looking as perplexed as her sister.

  Greed was innocent… well, not innocent, but she hadn’t written the letter.

  Feigning shock, I made pouty lips and shook my head sadly. It terrified them which delighted me to no end. They’d been terrifying me for centuries. “None of you know when my birthday is? If one of you does know the glorious day, you will receive a Centurion Card from American Express.”

  The greedy gasps would have amused me more if I didn’t think one of them was out to destroy my special day.

  Pride raised her hand as the others looked on in fury. They were such a competitive group.

  “Yes, Pride?”

  “Umm… Well, since June is the sixth month and you’re a horn dog, I’d have to say June ninth—making it 69. Get it?” she asked, looking hopeful she was correct.

  Pride was no longer on the list. However, she did get a few brownie points for pornographic creativity.

  “No. That is not my birthday.”

  “How about June sixth?” Gluttony chimed in going for the prize. “And if you were born in year six it would be 666.”

  Again, creative. Again, wrong. Gluttony was safe.

  “No.”

  “Shit,” she muttered. “He’s so old how does he even remember?”

  “Shut it, butthole,” Sloth said under her breath to Gluttony.

  Sloth was the smart one.

  “Well, if you have a birthday, I call bullshit,” Wrath snapped. “We don’t have birthdays.”

  “Of course, you do,” I said with an eye roll. “I just don’t know when they are.”

  “Father of the year,” Wrath said, trying to beat me in the eye roll game.

  She lost.

  “Do you have a guess, angry one?” I pressed, thinking that if it was anyone it was Wrath. She was the oldest and meanest.

  “I’d have to guess that you have plans to steal Cousin Jesus’ birthday,” she replied with a shrug.

  Before I’d been made aware of the sacred date of April 1st, I’d definitely considered pilfering my nephew’s womb eviction day. I mean, for the love of everything dastardly, Santa had the exact same letters in his name as Satan. It was a sign. Millions of letters from children arrived in Hell every December asking SATAN for gifts. Of course, I trashed all the requests. No… I didn’t. I sent the fucking letters up to Heaven. I suspected God knew I did this, but he was smart enough never to mention it. I’d kick his ass so hard he wouldn’t be able to sit for thousands of years. However, Jesus was so damned nice, I couldn’t bring myself to steal his day.

  “Interesting guess,” I told Wrath. “But wrong.”

  Surprisingly, Wrath was off the list of suspects.

  “Two more,” I said, pointing to Envy and Lust—both problem children as well.

  “Mmkay,” Envy said with a naughty glint in her eyes. “How about January third? That’s National Fruitcake Toss Day.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked.

  “Completely,” Envy assured me. “Or possibly August eighteenth? You know, National Bad Poetry Day?”

  “Ohhh,” Lust said, scrolling through her phone a mile a minute. “September seventh? National Salami Day?”

  Everyone laughed… including Lizard.

  I did not. It was clear they had no clue when I was born. However, they seemed determined to figure it out.

  “I’ve got one,” Sloth said. “July thirteenth, National Fool’s Paradise Day!”

  Sloth was no longer my second favorite.

  “Here’s one,” Greed squealed. “June twenty-second, National Gaping Jackass Day!”

  “Oh my Hell,” Lust said, laughing. “Is that real?”

  “No,” Greed admitted. “But it works.”

  Did they fucking forget that I was standing here?

  “No, I’ve got it,” Pride yelled. “It’s February sixteenth, National Do a Grouch a Favor Day.”

  “Nice,” Gluttony said. “This is better though… October fourteenth, National Fossils Day. Get it? Dad’s so old he’s like a freakin’ fossil.”

  The hysterics were unnecessary. It was if they thought they were funny. They were literally asking to be electrocuted.

  “Enough,” I shouted and magically removed the fire that trapped them. I’d inadvertently trapped myself by keeping them here. Listening to the Seven Deadly Sins for another minute was going to make me do something I’d regret. Enjoy, but regret. “Out. All of you need to start looking for someplace else to live. I’ll be using your bedrooms in the Dark Palace for all of my new stolen birthday presents. There will be no room for you or your smart mouths. Am I clear?”

  “Wait,” Lust said, confused. “You want us to leave Hell?”

  “That would be fantastic,” I practically shouted. “However, it’s a horrendous idea to let you criminals live on Earth. God would be up my ass more than he already is. You shall stay in Hell and reside somewhere other than my palace.”

  “Are you paying for it?” Greed inquired.

  Closing my eyes, I reminded myself that I was responsible for the way they’d turned out. Spare the rod, spoil the child… but they were so damned cute when they were little. Whatever. There was always a price to pay. I was now paying for my own sanity and clearly it was going to be expensive.

  “Yes,” I hissed as they all backed away in fear. “I will pay. You will gather your belongings and be out by the end of the week. Am I clear?”

  Every single one of them threw me a look full of crappy attitude. It was not unexpected. I smiled. I’d be counting the days until there was peace in the palace. Or rather relative peace. Until Aunt Flow left, peace would be fleeting.

  With a snap of my fingers, I sent the Seven Deadly Sins on their way. I had no clue where I’d sent them, but as long as I couldn’t see them or hear them, I was delighted.

  “None of them wrote the letter,” I said flatly.

  Lizard said nothing. Glancing over at him, I realized his half hour of silence wasn’t up yet.

  Damnit, was nothing going to go right today? Hopefully, visiting Murry the badass wouldn’t be a mistake.

  I’d had all the fuckening I could take for one day.

  Chapter Four

  “Darling,” I called out, warily scanning our bedroom to make sure Elle wasn’t in hiding and about to jump me while brandishing some form of cutlery.

  Martha and Jane were nowhere to be found. Their absence was peculiar. I wondered if Elle had impaled the imbeciles and hung them up somewhere in the palace. That would be incredibly bad behavior on my lover’s part, but understandable considering we were dealing with Martha and Jane. Maybe, leaving the obscene undead women with my mate was a poor choice. Lizard would probably be a bit put out if his concubines had no arms or legs even though the missing appendages would regenerate.

  Life was so damned complicated.

  Hearing an unfamiliar noise, I dove behind the divan and waited for an attack. Lizard was in the process of contacting Murry the badass. Apparently, we weren’t allowed in the house if his mother was home. The meeting with the Dragon to suss out the son-of-a-bitch wh
o was trying to ruin my womb eviction day was not sounding promising.

  “Lucifer?” Elle said, sniffling. “Are you here?”

  “I am, lover,” I replied. “Are you armed?”

  Elle needed no weapons to perform mass destruction. Her magic was insanely powerful. She could even stop time. That nifty trick had come in handy when we needed a few extra hours to make love and had an appointment that interfered.

  “No, I had Martha and Jane lock up all the forks. I like those gals. They’re cute in an undead, disgustingly dressed kind of way,” she said, still sniffling as if she’d been crying.

  My evil black heart tightened in my chest at the thought of my lover being sad. I’d ignore the part about Lizard’s concubines being cute. Martha and Jane were dreadful. I could only hope Elle’s lady time caused her judgment to be skewed. If she wanted to hang out with the undead idiots on a regular basis, there would be a few problems.

  But her crying… that shredded me.

  Never before in my eternal life had I felt so much for another person. Elle gave me the feels as my daughter Dixie would say. It was new and alarming, and it made me feel more alive than I had in millions of years. Up until the day I met the devious Adrielle Rinoa, I cared more for myself than anyone. She’d changed my fate with a seductive smile, a rude insult and a raised middle finger. Physically, she was perfection. However, it was far more than her body, wild blonde hair and lavender eyes that attracted me.

  It was her essence and her soul. She was my everything.

  Living forever was not all it was cracked up to be. The price paid for one’s sanity was quite high and unexplainable in words that made sense. Seeing beauty, noticing the small things and even carnal pleasure ceased to have meaning. There was nothing new to discover… or so I’d thought. Until the woman whose new hobby was slamming forks into my hand came into my life, I realized I’d never known true happiness.

  Of course, it wasn’t for public knowledge that the Devil was happy. I did have a dastardly reputation to uphold.

  “Lover,” I said, transporting in a blast of black glitter to where she stood. It wouldn’t do to crawl out from beneath the divan. I never made an undignified entrance and crawling out from underneath furniture was definitely undignified. “Why are you crying?”

  Elle sighed and laid her head on my chest. “I’m so sorry for stabbing you. I have no clue what’s come over me.”

  “So, it’s not usually like this?” I asked carefully, making sure not to mention her lady time in any way shape or form. Astrid’s warning of death was still forefront in my mind. Not that Elle could actually kill me but going headless to meet with Murry the badass wouldn’t be very productive.

  My attraction to my Siren was extreme, but right now it knew no bounds. If it continued to grow—pun intended—we’d never leave our bedroom suite in Hell for the rest of eternity.

  She seemed confused by my statement but shrugged and gave me a small smile. “Well, I’ve never wanted to rip your face from your head before. That would be such a shame. Your face is beautiful.”

  “Yes, I know,” I told her, tucking her wild curls behind her ears. “It would be tragic to ruin perfection.”

  Elle rolled her eyes and giggled. “Your humility is astounding, Devil.”

  “Thank you, Siren,” I replied with a wink. “I do my best.”

  “Do I look fat to you?” she questioned, walking over to one of the hundred full-length mirrors in our suite.

  The question was terrifying. However, what was more terrifying was that she put her hand on her heart, signifying the truth must be told. We both lied so often, we’d made a truth pact of sorts. Right now, the truth could end in an explosion if I wasn’t careful. The truth was that she was a bit larger than normal. However, I found it insanely appealing.

  Thinking fast on my feet so I didn’t get electrocuted or beheaded, I pulled my inspiration from my head… the one below my waist.

  “Your breasts are fuller which I find wildly arousing,” I said carefully, searching her face for a reaction.

  “They do make me feel sexier,” she said thoughtfully, examining herself in the mirror. “My hips seem curvier too.”

  “My exceptional Johnson has noticed,” I replied easily as I came up behind her and wrapped her in my arms, pressing proof of my statement into her back.

  “Doesn’t take much for you to be aroused,” Elle said with a sly grin that made my pants tighten uncomfortably.

  “All you have to do is breathe,” I whispered in her ear as she shuddered with delight.

  Turning her around, I leaned in and pressed my open mouth to hers. We were made for each other. Our tongues met in perfect sensual rhythm. Our bodies aligned and rubbed sinfully together causing sparks. Flames—hers black and mine orange—mixed and danced over our heated bodies. Elle was the light in my darkness, and her fire cleansed my sins. My lover was as necessary to me as the air I breathed.

  Unsure if this was leading to sex which could be awkward or possibly end in my decapitation, I picked her up and gently laid her on the bed. Elle jerked and shuddered in my arms making my dick pulse with a desire so potent I felt light-headed. I’d barely touched her and was so close to coming it was absurd.

  However, this time it wasn’t for me. It was for her. And I was going to enjoy it immensely.

  “Don’t move,” I instructed as I snapped my fingers and removed her clothing.

  Her body was indeed fuller due to her lady time and the sheer amount of breakfast pastries she’d indulged in, but to me she was the sexiest I’d ever seen her. I suppose if I had to get stabbed with a fork, seeing her like this made it worth it.

  “You’re not joining me, Devil?” she inquired with a raised brow as she waved her hand and my suit disappeared.

  My laugh as I looked down at my very primed naked body made my lover grin from ear to ear. Glancing back at her, I had to physically stop myself from gasping. Her blonde hair and pale skin on the black silk duvet was the most beautiful sight I’d seen.

  “New game, my beauty,” I said as I took a seat on the armchair near the bed. “No touching.”

  “None at all?” she pouted.

  “Have you heard of tantric sex?” I inquired.

  “I invented it,” she shot back, getting excited.

  I shook my head and grinned. “Of course you did, Siren. However, this version is slightly different.”

  “How?” she asked suspiciously as her lavender eyes lit with desire.

  “Can you reach out with your mind and touch me?” I asked, wondering if I could truly do this when all I wanted was to bury myself balls deep in the woman who made everything real for me.

  “I can,” she purred as I felt her all over me, coaxing every inch of my body to life.

  She hadn’t moved from the bed. It was glorious. She was very good, but I was better. When I was bad, I was very, very bad, but when I was good? I was fucking awesome.

  Staring straight into her eyes and aligning my breathing with hers, I ravished her gorgeous body from head to toe without a single touch.

  Elle shrieked with passion and writhed on the bed. Her back arched and her body trembled. I watched her orgasm with conceit and masculine pride. She was exquisite, and she was mine.

  “That wasn’t very nice,” she said as she came back down to reality with a huge smile on her face.

  “I’m not a nice man—at all,” I replied as I doubled my efforts and brought the woman I adored to heights that were as satisfying as if I’d been inside her. It was surreal and like nothing I’d ever known.

  I wouldn’t have guessed I could give without taking, but seeing her pleasure was as gratifying as getting my own.

  “Oh my Hell,” Elle gasped out as her body rocked with orgasmic aftershocks. “Your turn now.”

  “After you come several more times,” I told her. “Right now, it’s all about you.”

  “This kind of makes me feel guilty for insisting you stab yourself,” she admitted sheepishly
. “It’s not fair that I’m having all the fun.”

  “Trust me,” I said with an evil chuckle. “I’m enjoying myself immensely, and we’ll get to me eventually.”

  “Holy shitballs on fire,” Martha yelled from the doorway. “I told you his deedle-honk had to be big, but that man-yam is fuckin’ enormous. Makes my lady blossom hard. Can’t say I’ve ever seen a shmackle so spectacular.”

  “Slap my ass and call me Gary,” Jane gasped out. “That is one impressive zipper sausage. Now, I’m real fond of Lizard’s ginormous purple helmeted love warrior, but that dang love plunger is one for the record books.”

  “Shit,” I hissed as I snapped my fingers and clothed myself and Elle.

  Maybe Elle wouldn’t impale them and hang them in the palace, but I was about to.

  Martha and Jane were grinning like the imbeciles they were—eyes glued to the crotch of my pants. If they weren’t carrying large trays of greasy food that made my Siren sit up and take notice, I would have fried them both to ash and enjoyed it.

  “Have you ever heard of knocking?” I snarled as they simply stood there like idiots and kept grinning.

  “Door was open,” Jane announced, waddling into the room and placing the tray of food at the foot of the bed. “If you’re gonna sling that outstanding wang around, you should lock the door.”

  “Jane’s right,” Martha announced as she tied a large napkin around Elle’s neck and proceeded to feed her fries drenched in ketchup.

  “Did you happen to bring any chocolate sauce?” Elle asked as she grabbed a burger and shoved it in her face.

  “Got it right here,” Martha assured her as Elle proceeded to dip her fries in the chocolate.

  It was academically interesting and digestively appalling. However, if my lover was happy, I was happy. Tantric sex could wait until another time. My family jewels had deflated the moment I’d heard the old bag’s voices. And quite honestly, after the names they’d bestowed on my dick, it would be a while before he recovered.

  “Would you like a fry, Lucifer?” Elle asked, holding up a few chocolate-covered catastrophes.