Burn Before Reading

by Sara Wolf

  “I’m her father. I can see it plain as day. She used to only like boy bands. Fantasy book princes. She’d stare at these big old posters she had of them on her walls all the time with this goofy look on her face.” He chuckles. “I still remember the first concert I took her to. She lit up when they walked on stage.”

  He pokes me in the chest. “But you? She looks at you, and she glows. Doesn’t light up all bright and ecstatic and off-the-wall. None of that obsession stuff. She just…looks more alive, when she sees you. She looks more like my little girl, the one who wasn’t so worried all the time. The one who used to smile like she meant it.”

  “I –”

  “Do you love her?” He asks. He uses words, but it feels like he just physically punched me in the chest. I struggle for air.

  “Yes. Ever since – ever since I read her essay.”

  “Essay?” He quirks a brow.

  “She wrote one, to get into Lakecrest. I – I kept it. Read it over and over. She writes very well.”

  “Of course she does.” He points at himself. “Got it from me. But what was so special about that essay? Why did you like it so much?”

  “I didn’t like it,” I correct. “I liked the person who wrote it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because –” I clear my throat. “Because it made me feel not alone. It made me feel like there was someone out there who could understand me, who was like me. And then I met her, face-to-face, and I – and since then I –”

  He’s watching me. I stare at the sunset, squaring my shoulders for strength and spinning my wolf ring.

  “I tried to get her expelled,” I say. “Because I thought I knew her better than she knew herself. I knew from the essay she wanted to write, to go to Sarah Lawrence. I couldn’t stand watching her go to a school she didn’t like, forcing herself to study just to take on a burden that was too big for her.”

  “Part of that is my fault,” Mr. Cruz said softly.

  “It’s no one’s fault,” I say. “Bee just decided to make it all hers.”

  He’s quiet, folding his hands on his lap. I fiddle with one of my rings.

  “It was wrong of me, to try to get her expelled. She suffered for it. And that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen.”

  Mr. Cruz shakes his head. “And yet here you are, helping her find her father. Why is that, exactly? What does Bee mean to you?”

  “She…helped me work through my past when I thought no one else would ever bother. She never once ran away, no matter how difficult I was or how dark my problems were. She’s very gentle. When she laughs it’s like…like all the thoughts in my head just get blown away, and all I want to do is make her laugh again.”

  I spin the wolf ring faster.

  “I want to protect her. I want to show her a world where she doesn’t have to carry everything on her shoulders. She’ll keep trying to carry everything. But I want to help her hold it up, if I can. I want – I want to help her. I want her to do what she loves, for herself, instead of everyone else. I want her to enjoy her own life.”

  I can’t look at him, my eyes fixated on the sunset.

  “We aren’t - your daughter and I aren’t on the best of terms, anymore.” I manage. “Not that we ever were. So if you leave, I can’t promise you that I’ll make her happy. I can’t promise you that, but I can promise you I’ll always watch out for her. I’ll always be here if she needs something, or someone, to help her. I –”

  My chest caves in on itself, the pain shooting through my ribs.

  “ - I’ll do everything I can for her. And maybe, maybe there’ll be a day where she finds someone else that makes her happy. But until then – until then I’ll be here.”

  There’s a long quiet. I try to breathe, evenly, like it will disguise the fact I’m in pain. I mean every word of what I’m saying, but something deep inside me is recoiling, crying out.

  I don’t just want to watch over her until she finds someone to love her.

  I want to be that someone.

  “What do you think, Bee?” Mr. Cruz asks lightly. “About all this?”

  My heart jumps into the base of my throat. I turn to see Bee standing there, panting, her hair wild and her eyes watering. Her expression is torn. Mr. Cruz stands, and she runs to him, wrapping her arms around him.

  “I w-was so worried –” She stammers, muffled by his shirt. He hugs her back.

  “I know. I’m sorry, sweetpea. I should’ve left a note at the very least, but I know you. I know you would’ve ignored it and worried until you had to come find me.”

  “So you’re really leaving?” She asks him, and he nods.

  “Yes. But there’ll be plenty of time to talk about that later. I understand you were worried about me, but this young man has just poured his heart out to you. I think he deserves a bit of recognition, at the very least.”

  “I –” I swallow hard, fear burning my stomach. “I should go. I’m glad you found him, Bee.”

  I hurry down the bluff, my blood rushing in my ears. How much did she hear? Why didn’t I just look behind me before I said any of that? The last thing I wanted to do was burden her even more with my own feelings, but I’ve done it, and it can’t be taken back. She knows. She knows how I feel about her. I want to leap into the darkest, deepest hole I can find and never come out again.

  I mount my motorcycle and pull my helmet on when I hear the voice.

  “Wolf!”

  Bee runs towards me, and she stops in front of my bike. She’s breathing heavily, having run all the way down the bluff, but she can’t look at me, and that only makes my stomach sink more.

  “I’m…um. I’m having a birthday party,” She says to the ground. “Before Dad leaves. On Saturday, probably. Do you think….did you want to come?”

  “Yeah,” I manage. “Okay.”

  I push off the curb and leave her behind, my thoughts swirling. She didn’t say anything about what she heard. Maybe she’ll say something at the party. Of course – that’s why she’d invite me. We can’t see each other at school anymore, so she’s made one last time. One last opportunity to tell me she doesn’t feel the same way. To say goodbye.

  Chapter 17

  BEATRIX

  Being relieved and sad at the same time is a weird feeling. It hollows out your guts, make you feel like a wooden puppet of a person. Finding Dad was the best thing, but hearing that he’s leaving was the worst.

  And hearing Wolf say those things about me –

  At the time, I could barely wrap my head around it. I was so relieved I found Dad, so relived he was safe and okay, that I sort of blocked everything else out. But I did hear it. And with each hour that passed I started realizing just how loudly Wolf’s words clung to every corner of my mind.

  The first thing I did when Dad and I got home was talk. I called Mom, and she came home, and we all sat in the living room and Dad told us his plan to live with his sister until he could get enough help to be stable again. He apologized, and Mom apologized, and then I apologized for not being a better daughter, and I cried, and then Dad and Mom hugged me, together. For a split-second we felt like a family again.

  Mom took it well. She never said it, but I’m pretty sure if Dad hadn’t announced he was leaving, she would’ve. When our talk was over, Mom and Dad hugged – a strange, stiff thing. Even if they don’t get stay together after this, after Dad comes back, they’ll still be friends. Or at least I hope so.

  I used to think divorce was the worst thing that could happen to my family. But after Dad went missing, I learned it wasn’t even close. Death was worse. It’d always be worse.

  My birthday party was something Dad proposed, when I first found him on the bluff. He said he wanted to throw one for me before he left, to make a memory with me.

  So here I am now, making guacamole and getting nervous.

  “When do your friends get here, Bee?” Mom asks as she stirs salsa.

 
“Um, in an hour?” I check my phone. “Oh shit, is it really that late?”

  “You should go upstairs and get changed,” Mom says, eyeing my guac-stained t-shirt. “I’ll handle the rest of the food stuff.”

  “You sure?”

  “Positive.” She kisses the top of my head, and shoos me out of the kitchen. I pass the living room, Dad stringing a line of gold paper stars along the ceiling.

  “Hey there,” He smiles down at me from the ladder. “You just about ready?”

  “Yeah. I’m…actually a little nervous.”

  “It’s certainly been a while since you had a party like this,” He agrees. I’m quiet, watching him string the stars.

  “I’ll miss you,” I say. He steps down from the ladder and smiles, hugging me close.

  “I’ll miss you too, kiddo.”

  “I’ll call every day.”

  “I know you will.”

  We part, and he smooths the hair from my forehead.

  “So, who’s coming to this party? Anyone I know?”

  “Just…some people from school.”

  “What about Wolf? Did you invite him?”

  “Yeah,” I mutter.

  “That’s great. I still have to thank him.”

  “For what?”

  “He helped you find me,” He says. “And he and I talked about a few things. He seems like a good kid.”

  Unsure what to say to that, I hug him again and head upstairs to change. I nervously rummage through my closet – jeans? No. That doesn’t feel special enough. There’s that old sundress, but the thought of Fitz insulting it makes me smile.

  My phone buzzes with a text. It’s Burn.

  What do you want? He asks.

  Want?

  For your birthday.

  I want you to be here, that’s all.

  I’m getting you something. This is your last chance to make sure it’s not a gift card.

  I laugh. I like chocolate.

  Alright.

  He’s always so blunt and to the point. But that’s his charm. That’s who Burn is. I wouldn’t change him for the world. He texts me again.

  Wolf is nervous.

  Oh. I respond. I don’t have the courage to tell him I’m nervous too.

  I’ll make sure he comes.

  Relief spreads through me. Thanks. I appreciate it.

  I reach out for the pale blue dress, the one Seamus made. I still don’t fully believe what I heard Wolf say on the bluff about my essay, about….me. How he feels about me. I thought up until that moment he hated me down to my bones. He never liked me, even before I betrayed him. He was using me to get over his fear, and that was because I offered to help. His soft touches, his embraces – all of it was in his best self-interest, not because he held any affection for me. Or so I thought.

  I want to protect her.

  I shake his voice out of my head, the warmth it spreads through me reaching to my toes. I pull my clothes off, suddenly aware of how flushed my skin is.

  I’ll do everything I can for her. And maybe, maybe there’ll be a day where she finds someone else that makes her happy. But until then – until then I’ll be here.

  He can’t like me. He can’t have feelings for me. He’s Wolfgang Blackthorn, distrustful of everyone and the king of being unforgiving. But the way we touched, the things we talked about, his smile, so handsome and rare, and the things he said on the bluff –

  I always thought he tried to get me expelled because he hated me. But it was the opposite. Wolf only knows how to do one thing – and that’s push people away. Especially people he cares about. He’s tried to push me away, since day one. Since the day we met. I had no idea my essay had that much of an effect him. I had no idea he liked my writing so much, enough to cherish it.

  Enough to cherish me.

  It suddenly makes sense – each time he tore himself away when we were touching. The excuses he’d make for getting away from me. The hard, cold exterior he’d put on, like a mask, to hide his real feelings.

  That’s what he meant when he said he was afraid of me.

  And I’d been too dense to understand. Too angry. Too convinced he hated me.

  “Bee! Your friends are here!”

  Panic grips me, and I quickly pull the dress on, zipping it up with difficulty. My hair – I run a brush through it and check my face in the mirror. I look awful. I look confused and exhausted and stressed. I try a smile, but it looks so fake. It’s the best I got right now. Whether or not I’m ready, they’re here.

  I walk downstairs, hearing the low hum of voices as Mom greets Burn and Fitz in the hallway. Burn and Fitz and a girl voice – Keri. I didn’t think she’d show up, but she did.

  “Hey guys,” I walk downstairs. Fitz immediately starts whistling and clapping, and Keri claps with him. Burn nods at me, his way of approving.

  “You look wonderful, sweetie!” Mom crows. “Where did you get that dress? I’ve never seen it on you.”

  “A…friend.” I cough.

  “Is that what we’re calling him now?” Fitz quirks a brow. “Upgraded from enemies, have we?”

  Keri nudges him in the ribs, and he rolls his eyes.

  “Fine. I’ll be nice. But just this once.”

  I laugh and run up, hugging him. He hugs me back. It’s so nice to see him, to see that he can look at me again.

  “I found your little puzzle in your computer,” He says when we part. I smirk.

  “It was pretty easy for you, I bet.”

  “Too easy. You practically insulted me with it.”

  “I’ll make a harder one next time. If you let me have a next time.”

  It’s my way of apologizing. It’s an apology wrapped in insecurity, wrapped in a thick blanket of wanting his friendship again. He pauses, green eyes soft and freckles wrinkling with his smile.

  “I think I’ll allow it. Just this once.”

  I hug him again, joy rushing through my veins.

  “Thank you.”

  “But,” He holds a finger in my face. “If you fuck up again, it’s off with your head.”

  “That’s very French of you. We studied the British, remember?”

  “Oh they’re the same thing.” He waves his hand dismissively. “They all intermarry, anyway.”

  Burn holds out a paper-wrapped box.

  “For you.”

  “Thank you,” I smile at him. His eyes are tender, gentle. The fact that he’s here at all means he’s forgiven me. Something about him is changed, but I can’t put my finger on it. He looks…calmer. More at peace. Before it was always like he was closing himself off, but now he’s a little more open, like a door letting in light.

  “I brought something too!” Keri chimes in. She passes me a pink-wrapped box. “It’s nothing fancy, but I thought you’d might like it. For nostalgia’s sake.”

  “Aw, thanks Keri. You really didn’t have to.”

  “Consider it a thanks,” She smiles. “For being the only person in school who’ll talk to me about Neverwinter Knights without rolling their eyes constantly.”

  Mom takes the presents and puts them in the kitchen. She offers everyone drinks, and the TV remote. She takes the cake out of the fridge. It’s sort of awkward, having your parents there for your birthday, trying to orchestrate things, but Dad sees how uncomfortable I am and pulls Mom aside. They announce they’re going out for a bit, and as Dad leaves he winks at me, a subtle ‘it’s all yours’.

  We talk over drinks for hours, lying on the couches and floor. Keri and Burn find my old Clue board game and start playing while Fitz rummages through the kitchen cabinet.

  “You know it’s actually considered rude,” Keri calls to him. “To go through other people’s things without permission. Especially their liquor.”

  “I’m looking for the matches,” He drawls. “For the cake.”

  “Sure you are.”

  “Burn, tell her I’m recently sober and complete
ly reformed.”

  “He’s recently sober and completely reformed.” Burn deadpans.

  “See?” Fitz points a butter knife at her. “From the mouth of babes.”

  “You? Sober? That’s the best joke you’ve come up with so far in your life,” I smirk. Fitz’s face falls, a straight line to his mouth.

  “I’m serious. I haven’t touched anything since that night you – you almost –”

  “Drowned,” Burn finishes for him. Fitz flinches.

  “Yeah. That.”

  The pain in his normally cherubic face is obvious. I put a hand on his shoulder.

  “Hey. It’s okay. I’m alright, you know?”

  “Yeah, but because of me –”

  “Fitz, who’s the shrink in this relationship?” I ask. He rolls his eyes.

  “You.”

  “Yes. Me. And I’d rather eat a pile of nails than watch you carry around any guilt because of what happened that night. It does things to you. And I don’t want that to ruin the little ball of perfect sunshine that you are.”

  He looks up, grinning at my sarcasm.

  “Alright. I can pretend to not feel things. I’m good at that.”

  A knock at the door makes my stomach fall. It’s Wolf. I get up slowly, and brace myself before I pull the door open. Kristin stands there, blonde hair in a bun and her smile somehow apologetic.

  “Hey, Bee.”

  “Hi. I didn’t know if you’d show up –”

  “I –” She frowns. “Just for a minute. I wanted to say something. To all of you. And then I’ll go.”

  I wave her in, and she walks into the living room. Fitz points at her accusingly.

  “You!”

  “Me,” She mutters. Burn’s face goes flat, his eyes suddenly narrowing.

  “What is she doing here, Bee?” Fitz asks. “She’s the one who texted us that Dad had kidnapped you – so we ran to Ciao Bella like she said –”

  “You’re working with him,” Burn says to her. Mr. Blackthorn did say she grew to like him, didn’t he? And that’s what outed her as his spy to them.

  “I’m not,” She says. “Not anymore. I just wanted to – apologize. For everything. You’ve blocked me everywhere else, so. This was the last place I could think of.”