She moved her hand to my back and rubbed me gently. “It’s okay not to be okay, Sicily.”
“We were only together for a couple weeks… It’s stupid to be that sad about it.”
“Length of time is irrelevant when it comes to falling in love. I loved my husband within the first week, and I knew I would never stop loving him, no matter how much time had passed, no matter what he did, because it was unconditional—instantly.”
That actually made me feel worse, because that was exactly how I felt.
She continued to rub my back, looking down into my face with pain in her own eyes. “Sometimes men don’t know what’s best for them, even when it’s looking them straight in the face. Dex is better at those sorts of things than his father, but I think…I think the timing just wasn’t right.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have told him how I felt. That was stupid.”
“It’s never stupid to tell someone how you really feel. But unfortunately, Dex just isn’t in the right place. I always knew Catherine screwed him up badly, but I never really understood how deep her knife went until now. I’m so sorry that my son hurt you, and I don’t think you deserved that. But I hope you know that’s not the kind of man he is. He would never hurt you on purpose. He’s just…lost right now.”
“Yes…I do know.” I knew Dex was the most loving and caring person I’d ever met. I’d seen it firsthand. He just wasn’t ready to give more than he could, and I was the selfish one to ask him when he wasn’t ready. “Now I don’t know what to do.”
“Are you going to keep working for him?”
I nodded.
“Because no one would judge you if you stopped.”
“I already lost him. I can’t lose my job. I love it so much. I’ve never been so passionate about anything in my life.”
Her eyes filled with warmth. “That’s really selfless of you, Sicily. You really are perfect for my son… I just hope he realizes that someday.”
I wouldn’t wait around for that to happen. Who knew when he’d be in a place to have a relationship again? Let alone even want a relationship after everything he’d been through. I wanted the Dex I saw at work, the man who was compassionate, dedicated, loving… I wanted that version of him. I didn’t want the guarded and hurt version of him, someone who would never be able to give me all of himself. “It doesn’t matter if he does. I just need to move on. I would settle for half of his heart because I want him so much, but I deserve the whole thing. I need to let it go and move on.”
Cleo gave a nod in agreement. “I think you’re really special, Sicily. I think you’re not only beautiful, but you’re kind and warm, so caring and selfless, and while I’d love you for my son, I think you deserve a man’s entire heart, a man who would treat you the way I want someone to treat my daughter. So, I think it’s for the best. Find your happiness, and don’t wait for a train that may never come.”
I left the office then headed to the main doors so I could depart the Trinity Building, ready to go home and eat something since I hadn’t really had time to put anything in my stomach.
At that moment, Deacon walked inside, wearing a suit and tie, like he had a meeting. He was usually dressed casually like Dex, but today, he looked like a powerhouse I barely recognized. His suit was perfectly tailored, designer quality, and his jaw was clean-shaven, giving him a youthful look. Without the subtle wrinkles around his eyes, you would never accurately guess his age. He was so fit and trim, so handsome. The only thing that stuck out was the watch he wore, which wasn’t expensive or fancy.
His eyes narrowed on my face, and he walked forward, headed right toward me. He looked so much like his son Derek that it was like looking at a twin brother. His eyes filled with a quick look of pity as his hand slid into the pocket of his slacks. “Sicily, how are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said with a shrug. “I just talked to Cleo, and I feel a little better.”
He gave a slight nod. “Good. She’s the best at stuff like that.”
“Yeah, she is.” I gave a smile. “Well…I’ll see you around.”
Before I could depart, he took a subtle step in my way. “Sicily.”
It felt like a command even though he didn’t raise his voice or turn possessive at all. He just had this natural power that got people to do whatever he wanted. I stopped and faced him again.
“I wish things had turned out differently. You have no idea how much.” Sincerity was in his eyes, blanketing me with fatherly affection, like he’d taken a liking to me just the way his wife did, accepting me into their family when I didn’t have to do a single thing to earn their warmth.
“Me too.”
“My son is a good man. He’s like his mother, having a heart that gives and gives. He’s just not himself right now, and I know it’s a lot to ask, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive him.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Deacon. I knew better, but I did it anyway.”
He gave a curt nod then turned away, heading past the elevators to where he knew his wife was sitting at her desk.
When I turned to the doors, I stilled when I came face-to-face with Zach.
He was in a nice suit that fit his sculpted body perfectly, having that shadowed jawline that made his dark eyes a little darker. His hands were in his pockets as he walked up to me, a smile in his eyes but tension in his jaw. “Hey, sweetheart. It’s been a while. Nice to see you’ve utilized that time to become more beautiful.” His voice was smooth like scotch, and his confidence barely tapped against arrogance, hitting the line but never crossing over it.
“You say that to women a lot?” I asked with a smile. “That’s quite the line…”
He shrugged. “Sometimes. I wouldn’t say a lot.” He gave a subtle shrug as he continued to look at me. “But every time I say it, I mean it.” His eyes flicked down to look me over. “And I definitely mean it now.”
Somehow, his flirtations weren’t sleazy, probably because he was so damn hot that a compliment from him actually made me feel special.
“Everything alright? You seem a little down.”
My eyes narrowed on his face, surprised that he picked up on that even though we didn’t know each other very well. “Just been a hard week. How are you?”
“No complaints. For the moment, I’m pretty hungry. Let’s grab some dinner.”
“I told you I’m seeing somebody…”
His eyes took in my face, the corner of his mouth rising subtly in a smile. “Based on that sadness in your eyes, I don’t think you’re seeing him anymore.” He stepped back and nodded to the door. “Come on, let’s get something good. I could go for a steak and a scotch.”
I stayed rooted to the spot, impressed that he could glean so much information from just a look. But maybe that was why he was a shark in the business world—because he didn’t miss anything. “Sure, why not?”
The big-ass grin he gave seemed genuine, like he’d finally gotten his prize after all his hard work. “Alright, sweetheart.” He opened the door for me. “Ready for that upgrade?”
Three
Dex
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her.
I missed her like crazy.
But I didn’t miss her lips, her naked body in my bed, the way my sheets smelled like her. What I missed was the way her eyes lit up every time she looked at me, the way she would grab my arm and squeeze me to make sure I was real, the way she would ask about my day, listen to every word, be so invested in who I was as a person.
That was what I missed.
So, I didn’t go back to my old ways of fucking any woman who would have me.
I just…didn’t want to.
I was sad, really sad.
Why did it have to be this way? Why did I have to be so fucked up in the head? What if Sicily was the right one, and I was too broken to even realize it?
Daisy sat across from me, drinking her beer in silence, being unusually nice to me because she knew I was down. Sh
e stuck to topics about my work or her patients, mentioning Dad and Derek sometimes, steering clear of Sicily.
I appreciated that she didn’t give me shit about it.
We shared some appetizers and talked about a lot of nothing. She didn’t mention Mason.
I put food in my mouth without really tasting it, drank my beer without getting the hit from the alcohol. Just going through the motions, more depressed than I’d ever been. My ex-wife was getting remarried, and I’d lost the only woman who actually gave a damn about me. Fucking sad, man.
How did my life end up like this?
Daisy took a drink of her beer before she released a sigh. “Dex, I seriously can’t stand seeing you like this.” She addressed the elephant in the room, unable to be easygoing about the whole thing.
“That makes two of us, sis.”
She shook her head as she looked at me.
“Why do you think I don’t want you to get your heart broken? It fucking sucks. No, you don’t just bounce back from it like nothing happened. It takes time, a really long time.”
“I just don’t understand why you’re letting an old relationship ruin a new one. Sicily is the best.”
“I know.” I closed my eyes and inhaled a painful breath. “Trust me, I know. I miss her…a lot.”
“Then I don’t understand…”
“Because I’m literally empty inside, Daisy. I don’t want to be in a relationship again. I don’t want to ever feel anything again. And I sure as fuck never want to get married again.” I felt so much anger toward Catherine, unresolved rage. If I saw her in the flesh, I honestly didn’t know what I would do. I’d scream in her face until the veins in my neck popped. “I’m just…so angry, you know. I gave Catherine everything, literally everything, and then she does this to me. I loved her, really loved her, and I just can’t see myself feeling that way ever again. I’m not even going to try.”
“You’re not over her…” She released a sigh of disappointment.
I dropped my gaze, ashamed. “If you really love someone, you always love them. And if you ever stop, then you never loved them in the first place. I know I shouldn’t give a fuck about her after what she did to me, but it still hurts, and it should hurt. It’s only been a year and change. Who loves someone new within a year of a divorce? After being happily married? Nobody—unless they were never really happy in the first place. Well, I was happy. I was in that relationship fully, one hundred percent, would do anything for her. And then…” I shook my head. “I just haven’t been able to move on. If she cheated on me or betrayed me, I would have just let it go. But that’s not what happened, you know? This really traumatic and unusual circumstance hit us hard, and I can’t help but wonder if we’d still be together with a baby right now if that hadn’t happened. Yes, you can say that if Allen broke us, then we were never really strong in the first place, but I believe that nothing else would have broken us. We wouldn’t have been unfaithful. We wouldn’t have drifted apart. I believe that we would have stayed together forever if that had never happened. So how can anyone really expect me to be over that? How is she over it?”
Daisy listened without judgment, her eyes soft.
“Sicily is…” I shook my head, unable to describe her. “Perfect in every goddamn way. She fits me in a way I never thought anyone would fit me. We have this connection that’s been there since the moment we met. But…I’m just not available to really appreciate it. The timing is wrong. I’m not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. And she doesn’t deserve that.”
Daisy stayed quiet.
“It was the right decision. I just wish I never got involved with her in the first place.”
“How are you guys at work?”
“It’s like nothing happened. She’s the consummate professional…as always.” She’d expressed her feelings and shed her tears, but then she picked herself up and carried on. I admired her so much for it, because I wished I could do the same.
“As much as I love Sicily, you’re right. The timing isn’t right, and you aren’t ready. I never should have pressured you into it. I think she was the right person, just at the wrong time. You were only together for a couple weeks, not enough time for serious feelings to form. So while it’s shitty, it’s not the end of the world. Maybe when you’re in a better place, you could try again.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know when or if that will ever happen, and she shouldn’t wait around for me. She deserves a stellar guy…someone better than me.”
I was on the couch with my feet on the coffee table, mindlessly staring at the TV as the bluish glow filled the living room of my apartment. I was anxious to have more than one beer, but it would be irresponsible to do so, so I didn’t. But I wished I could take something to drown out my thoughts, my misery.
A week had passed, and now that Sicily and I were officially done, people had stopped mentioning her. Other than the subtle awkwardness between us whenever we interacted, it was like it had never happened. She didn’t seem angry with me, and she obviously didn’t bring it up again.
Time to move on…I guess.
My phone vibrated on my thigh and lit up.
At this time of night, it was usually Sicily, still working because she was a bigger workaholic than I was.
But it wasn’t her.
It was the last person in the world I’d ever expect.
Catherine.
Can we talk?
I stared at the message for a minute straight, reading her words over and over, unable to believe she’d sent that. It wasn’t a different Catherine because there had always been just one Catherine in my life.
It was her.
The Catherine.
Her words paralyzed me, and all I could do was stare, feel the adrenaline rush in my veins, feel my heart pound like I was about to bench three hundred pounds. It was the same rush of anxiety I felt every time a patient flatlined.
I’d pictured this moment so many times over this last year, how I would respond if she ever reached out to me, and my reaction was always different, depending on how long it’d been since she left me.
I didn’t expect the reaction that hit me.
I was fucking pissed. Now you wanna talk? Over a year later? Is this a joke? I probably shouldn’t have texted her back at all, but once she’d dropped her line, I got hooked and couldn’t let go.
The dots didn’t pop up.
I continued to stare at the screen, wondering what she would say to that.
Clearly, she had nothing to say.
Now, I regretted my reaction, because I wanted to know what would drive her to text me after all this time, on a Tuesday night, completely at random. I almost texted her again, but I refused to. Ball was in her court.
You don’t owe me anything, Dex. But I’d really like to talk to you…
Why?
The dots stopped.
“Goddammit, why?” I screamed at the phone as if I were screaming at her.
Her message came a few moments later. Because I need to apologize to you.
There I sat, in an empty café, almost nine in the evening, with a cup of coffee in front of me that I hadn’t touched.
Felt rude not to buy something.
I had just as much adrenaline in my body now as I had in the apartment. I couldn’t believe I’d actually come, agreed to meet her on a whim, to look her in the eye, when I hadn’t seen her in the flesh in over a year.
Then she walked in.
Same long brown hair.
Same bright eyes.
She carried herself the same way, like she was in court, ready to win her case. It was easy for her to find me since I was literally the only person in there. Unlike me, she didn’t bother to buy anything before she walked over, wearing a thick gray pea coat and a dark blue scarf. Her movements slowed more and more as she approached me with apprehension.
The closer she came, the harder my heart began to pound.
Pound. Pound. Pound.
Then she t
ook a seat—and the pounding stopped.
My heart slowed down dramatically, the drums in my head going quiet, the moment finally arriving.
She sat across from me, her eyes shifting back and forth slightly as she took in my expression, as she studied how much I had changed since the last time she saw me. Her hands came together on the surface of the table, her back straight and poised, her fingers interlocking like this was a deposition rather than a clandestine meeting of two people who once promised to love each other forever.
I didn’t say a word because I couldn’t believe this was real. There were so many days I woke up in bed alone and wondered if she’d done the same. There were times I didn’t wake up alone, and when I considered if she’d done the same, it made me feel like shit. Months and months had gone by, and I kept glancing at my phone even when it didn’t vibrate, when the screen remained black, so I had to tap it to brighten it and look for a text that I knew wasn’t there. I’d been living in the dark, wondering if she had any regrets, wondering if life as a single person had been easier for her than it’d been for me. Her silence made me reevaluate every single interaction we had, made me look for meaning in moments that meant nothing. Had she never loved me, but I loved her too much to notice?
She gave a slight clearing of her throat, just the way she used to, and her eyes dropped for a moment before she spoke, all of her mannerisms and movements exactly the same as they used to be.
I noticed she didn’t wear an engagement ring.
She finally said something. “Thank you…for meeting me.”
I was speechless. Had no idea what to say. I was angry, so angry that I wanted to storm out of there without looking back, but I lingered, waiting for an apology that I’d needed for a year, the closure I’d never gotten.
“I’m sorry…” She dropped her gaze. “I asked you to come down here, and now that we’re together…it’s hard. It’s hard to say everything that I’ve said to myself a hundred times, to say what’s been in my heart for so long.”
The Doctor Who Has No Chance (Soulless Book 11) Page 2
