Faux Ho Ho

by Nathan Burgoine

  “Hi,” he said, not bothering with his Toad voice.

  The boy eyed him. “Hello.” His voice was stilted and oddly swallowed.

  “Do you know what group you’re in?”

  The boy shrugged, then held up two fingers.

  “That’s Fiona’s group,” Silas said. “She’s really nice. Did you know she owns this whole place?”

  The boy nodded, looking down. “She’s my momma.” Again the words sounded off, especially the sibilants. He seemed to struggle with the S sound, like his throat strangled on the noise.

  “Wait. That means you’re Reed, right?”

  Reed blinked at him and nodded again, frowning.

  “We’ve met before. But you were quite a bit younger then.” Silas shook his head. “You’re growing like a weed, aren’t you?”

  Reed finally smiled.

  “Okay!” Dino’s voice carried over the room easily. “Group one, it’s time to head to the mats. Group two, follow Fiona to the bikes. And group three, Aiden is going to take you to the treadmills.”

  Reed looked up again, the little line returning between his eyebrows. Silas could empathize. No matter how they promoted the day, Body Positive was still a gym. Silas had been the little guy his whole life, and gyms never felt like a welcoming space. He pondered for something inspiring to say and hadn’t come up with anything when Dino walked up beside him.

  Reed’s eyes widened as he looked up at Dino.

  “You’re a big man,” Reed said. It was such an honest and blunt statement, Silas grinned.

  “This is Dino,” Silas said. “He may be a big man, but I promise he’s really nice. Dino, this is Reed. He’s in group two, but I think we may have to sell him on how fun this is going to be.”

  Reed glanced at Silas then crossed his arms, the little line returning. Silas had to force himself not to laugh at the defiant look on the kid’s face.

  Dino crouched down. “Hey, Reed,” he said. “We met a couple of months ago. Do you remember me?”

  Reed shook his head.

  “Well, I was dressed differently then. Did you want to go find your moms?”

  Another shake.

  Dino glanced at Silas. “Now that we’re done with the hosting, I could go see if Fiona and Jenn are okay with us taking him right to the pool. Would you like that, buddy?”

  Reed’s eyes widened, and he nodded.

  Dino left them, and Silas leaned forward.

  “I didn’t know how to swim until last month.”

  “Really?” The word came out heavy with disbelief.

  “Promise. Dino taught me. He’s a great teacher.”

  Reed considered. “Big man,” he said again.

  “Yeah, he’s definitely big.”

  When Dino came back, he rubbed his gloved hands together. “Good news, Reed. You, me, and Silas are going to get to swim a bit early. Are those your trunks?” he said.

  Reed nodded.

  “Okay, let’s go.” Dino held out his hand, but Reed shyly dodged it, and before Silas knew it, the little boy held his hand instead.

  “You want Silas to walk you?” Dino said.

  “I like little man,” Reed said, in his soft, swallowing voice.

  “Little Man is pretty great.” The grin Dino aimed at Silas made it perfectly clear he intended to get some real mileage out of the descriptor.

  * * *

  When the kids were finally heading home with their parents, Silas and Dino got some of the ice cream for themselves. Aiden and Toma were tidying up the mats and towels.

  “Okay, this is really good,” Silas said.

  “Fiona ordered it from somewhere,” Dino said. “I didn’t know you could get good dairy-free ice cream, but apparently it’s possible.”

  “This is dairy-free?” Silas stared into his little cup.

  “Two of the kids can’t do dairy. And one can’t do nuts. I think it’s gluten free, too.”

  “Witchcraft.” Silas ate another spoonful.

  Dino laughed.

  “This wasn’t at all what I expected,” Silas said. “But you didn’t lie. Ice cream and childlike wonder. Next time, though, can we skip the part where I’m dressed like a video game character?”

  “Only because Rodrigo got sick,” Dino said. “But, solution? You. Thank you for stepping up.”

  “It was fun, Big Man.” Silas considered. “Rodrigo would have looked interesting as a toadstool. The beard.”

  “Right?” Dino grinned. “I think he was afraid we’d ask him to shave.” He ate a spoonful of ice cream. “At least Reed got involved a bit at the end there. Fiona says he gets really anxious sometimes.”

  “I can relate,” Silas said. “He’s got a speech impediment?”

  “Apraxia, I think it’s called,” Dino said. “He has motor control issues, too, which I think is why he didn’t want to do the gym stuff. Fiona says he already knows how to use it all. Fiona and Jenn are amazing. They fight like mad to get him what he needs, but I think having an audience put him off. They usually come here with him after hours.”

  “Totally fair. He already swims better than I do. Maybe I should ask him who his teacher is.”

  “You wound me, Little Man. Do I have to hold your hand and bat my eyes at you?”

  “You already live with me. Reed was just overwhelmed.” Silas bumped his shoulder against Dino’s. “Though the hand holding was sort of the cutest thing ever.”

  “It was.”

  “Okay, I feel guilty watching Aiden and Toma. We should help clean up.”

  “Nope. I should. You eat ice cream. Volunteers get ice cream. The workers get chores.”

  Silas ate the last bite of ice cream and rose anyway, helping with the last of the cleanup. By the time they got back to the apartment, neither of them had much oomph left, and when Dino suggested streaming retro cartoons, Silas agreed. They fell on the couch, and while Dino explained an old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon he loved, it occurred to Silas how long it had been since he’d had this much fun in a day.

  Chapter Six—November

  “Stop squirming.” Phoebe measured Dino’s inseam.

  “I’m not squirming.”

  “You’re squirming,” Phoebe and Silas said in unison. She glanced at him and winked.

  “I can’t thank you enough for this,” Silas said. “I know it’s last minute.”

  Urbane Myth, Phoebe’s awesome shop in the Village, stood just a few doors down from where they lived above Bittersweets. Phoebe was a brilliant fashion designer, and Silas considered himself lucky to call her a friend. Like most of the wonderful people in his life, Ru had introduced them. Her clientele leaned to the queer community, especially trans people. Most clothing stores were terrible at designing outside the so-called regular range of body types. Phoebe, on the other hand, lived for designing for individuals.

  “Are you kidding?” Phoebe eyed Dino. “I’ve been trying to get this guy to do a shoot for me since we met. This gives me another chance to convince me to let me put him on the website.”

  Dino flushed, obviously uncomfortable. “I’m not a model.”

  “You could be.” Silas said. Dino looked at him in surprise. “If someone else dressed you. Unless we’re talking about modeling athletic wear?”

  “Thanks, I think,” Dino said. “She wants me to wear a kilt.”

  Phoebe noted another number, then stepped back. “You would look incredible in one of my kilts.” She paused. “There’s still time. I could make you a killer kilt for this wedding.”

  “No,” they said in unison.

  Phoebe’s eyebrow rose.

  “I like kilts,” Silas said. “Totally pro-kilt here. Truly. But kilts in Alberta with the Waites at a wedding? A world of no.”

  “Hm,” Phoebe said, noting one last number. She nodded to herself. “I have an original Martin Alan piece I’ve been sitting on that will be perfect.”

  “Martin Alan?” Dino shook his head.

  “You don’t know Martin Alan?”
/>   Dino shrugged. “Is he a designer?”

  “It’s a label,” Silas said. “Martin Dolman and Alan Moran. They founded a pretty major fashion line, at least in Canada. Openly queer, too, and decades ago.” Silas aimed a finger-gun at Dino. “Learn your history, Big Man.”

  Phoebe smiled at him. “Top marks.”

  “You only know that because of your app,” Dino said.

  “I still know it.” Silas shrugged. “My canary yellow shirt you like is a Martin Alan.”

  “What color is the tux?” Dino sounded wary.

  “Fuchsia, with an emerald accent,” Phoebe said.

  Dino blanched, Silas hissed, and Phoebe laughed. “I’m kidding, boys. It’s a tuxedo. It’s black. Relax.”

  “My sister’s wedding color is garnet,” Silas said. “She sent me a link. Maybe we could order matching bow ties online or something.”

  “I’m standing right here.” Phoebe waved a hand. “You will not order online. Psh. You already have a tux, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Send me the link. Morgan will nab some fabric, and I’ll whip up bow ties and pocket squares.” She nodded at Dino. “Okay. You’re done.”

  Dino hopped off the little stand. “I’ll catch you back home,” he said, backing away from the two of them. He grabbed his coat, and the little bell rang a second later.

  “Something I said?” Phoebe said.

  “He’s skittish about formal wear.” Silas took a breath. “Or, y’know, about meeting the Waites. I think it’s sinking in we’re heading into enemy territory.”

  “Uh-huh,” Phoebe said. “Because you’re taking Dino to your sister’s wedding.”

  “Yep.”

  “Forgive me if I’m indelicate, but aren’t your family raging assholes?”

  Silas burst out laughing. It took him a few seconds to recover, but when he did, a glance at Phoebe set him off again. He had to wipe his eyes once he caught his breath.

  “Oh, I needed that,” he said. “And yes. I mean, not raging, but…they sure are assholes.”

  “I feel like I’m missing something.”

  Silas cringed. “You are. But…it’s embarrassing.”

  She gestured to one of the two large chairs in the back area of Urbane Myth. Now he’d done it. No way out of this. Phoebe had invoked the chairs. He sighed and sat down.

  “Dish,” she said.

  “My parents aren’t good with the gay thing,” Silas said, understating. “It’s détente, I guess. They don’t talk about it, I don’t do anything obvious. It’s not great. My father was an MP for the Conservatives, and now my oldest brother is, and sometimes they trot me out as an example of how far the party has come.”

  “That’s gross.”

  “Pretty much. The NDP candidate beat Manny two elections ago, which was delightful. But then he did this ‘Manny Up’ campaign about being a traditionally manly man provider and protector of family values and won his seat back.”

  “Even grosser. So, no love lost with your brothers?”

  “Zero. Manny and Micah are write-offs, Manny especially. I wouldn’t even go, except it’s Elisha.”

  “Your sister. You like your sister?” Phoebe said.

  “I love Elisha. She was the first and only person I came out to in Alberta. She’s always been amazing. Her wedding is worth some exposure to the Waite family toxin.”

  “Okaaay. That’s where you lose me. Not with the sister, but with taking Dino.” She paused. “Are you two…” She raised an eyebrow. “Roommates with benefits?”

  “No.” Silas blushed. “My family might think we’re dating.”

  “Ah.” Phoebe took another moment to collect her words. “And why do they think that?”

  “Dino told them we were, so I wouldn’t have to visit for Thanksgiving. I’m not good with confrontation, and he knew I’d agree to visit to avoid an argument, so… He told them we were going to his family for our first holiday as a couple.” Silas tried a smile. It wobbled.

  “Si.” Phoebe leaned forward. “You know you’re one of the worst liars I’ve ever met, right?”

  Silas groaned and put his face in his hands.

  “And Dino is down with this?”

  “Yes.” He lowered his hands. “We’ll break up New Year’s.”

  “So… You get to bring a date to your sister’s wedding—he’s going to look fabulous in my tux—and he…?”

  “Gets a first-class trip for Christmas.” Silas shrugged. “Honestly? I get the better deal.”

  “Hm.”

  “What?” Silas said. “You think it’s a terrible idea, don’t you?”

  “Nooo. No, it’s not. Having someone by your side when you’re with your family is a good thing. Your sister is going to be busy. She won’t have a lot of time to be there for you, and it’s important she doesn’t have to. It’s her wedding, and she should get to enjoy it. And Dino will throw your family for a loop, which, well, I’m totally down with anything that shakes up some cisgender asshats.”

  Silas waited. “But?”

  She shook her head. “No buts. I’m just surprised. You know I adore you, and don’t get me wrong, I like Dino, but he’s a bit…” She waved a hand in the air.

  “Free range?”

  “That’s better than anything I was coming up with.” Phoebe smiled.

  “I could take a page out of his book. This is going to be the first date I’ve been on in…” Silas tapped his fingers, then shook his head. “I don’t want to do the math, and you don’t want to hear about my last date. It’s going to drive my brothers nuts that he’s way better looking than them. And more buff. Even if it’s not real, it’ll be fun to pretend I could score someone like him.”

  Phoebe raised one eyebrow. “Dino would be lucky to have someone like you.”

  “Well,” he said, dodging the compliment. “I guess we’ll find out.”

  “Just, maybe keep the having to play acting,” Phoebe said. “Dino might be free range—no judgment, nothing wrong with that—but I don’t think taking any number of his pages can turn you into something you’re not. You’re many wonderful things, Si, but casual isn’t one of them.”

  “I know,” Silas said. And he did. But it didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy having a guy like Dino as his boyfriend did it?’

  Chapter Seven—June

  Silas hummed to himself while he got the coffee going, then cracked both the windows. A lovely breeze had kicked up, and he liked to capture those before the day got too warm. Sometimes, if he timed closing the curtains right, he could go most of the day without turning on their somewhat wonky AC, a habit which had started to keep the electricity bill lower and became an oddly satisfying game to play over the past two months, now that he didn’t stress every loonie.

  Turning back to the kitchen, he noticed a trail of clothing. Shoes at the door, then socks. Two shirts. He recognized the black one as one of Dino’s, but the wine red one was unfamiliar. A belt hung over the back of their little couch.

  Black leather, with little silver accents. Stylish. Definitely not one he remembered seeing before.

  Silas peered over the couch, finding a pair of jeans and then, near the door to Dino’s room, the khakis Dino had been wearing the night before when he’d stepped out.

  The gurgle of the coffee machine broke his amused silence, and he took a second to start gathering up clothing. If nothing else, he wanted to have the jeans in hand for the inevitable moment when—

  Dino’s door opened, and a lean man sporting only snug grey boxer-briefs stepped out, saw Silas, and froze.

  “Here,” Silas said, handing him the shirt and jeans, then remembering the belt. “Coffee is almost ready.” He tried to keep his eyes on the guy’s face but holy crap, the man offered up a nice view, the inked skin especially. He had a really pretty tattoo on his right pectoral, a series of symbols and shapes Silas didn’t recognize, but looked gorgeous on the man’s dark brown skin.

  “Oh. Uh, thanks,” the guy said. He put th
e jeans on first, then tugged the shirt over his head.

  “Are you hungry?” Silas said, finding it much easier to make eye contact now. Nice eyes, too. Super dark brown. “I’ve got bagels, if you need something portable.” He went to the kitchenette and got the toaster ready.

  “Oh. I… That’d be great, actually. Thank you. I, uh, overslept a bit.”

  Silas popped the bagels in, then watched him find his socks and shoes. By the time the bagels were up, the guy was fully dressed and looking only the slightest bit rumpled.

  “Butter, cream cheese, or margarine...?” Silas said.

  “Man, this is full service.” The man’s grin came complete with matching smile lines at his eyes. Silas bet the smile hooked Dino. Dino had a thing for adorable. Genuine smiles, interested eyes—regardless of their gender, the people Dino went for always had them in common, and this guy was no exception. The man rubbed his chin, deciding.

  “Cream cheese?” It came out as a question, like he hoped it wasn’t a joke.

  After Silas had prepped the bagel and handed it over, he poured a cup of coffee in one of his endless tech conference travel mugs.

  “Milk or sugar? I swear it’s the last question.”

  “Just milk,” the guy said. “And thanks. This means I can get to work on time. I’ll bring the mug back, promise.”

  Silas held up a hand. “Please keep it. I get tons of them. Mugs and bottles are the most common tech swag in the world. Also T-shirts. Do you want a Cloud Security T-shirt?” He grinned to show he was kidding.

  “I’m good, thank you,” the guy laughed. “I’m Shaun. You’re Silas, right?”

  “Yes,” Silas said, surprised. He handed over the coffee. “Nice to meet you.”

  “My friends are not going to believe I got breakfast to go.”

  “I’m the mom friend,” Silas said.

  “That’s what Dino said.” Shaun’s smile lines made another appearance. Silas walked Shaun to the door. Shaun took his third bite of the bagel by the time he hit the stairs. Hungry guy. Silas went back in the apartment, chuckling to himself.