Faux Ho Ho

by Nathan Burgoine

  “Not yet,” Dino said. “But once he launches his app, gets famous, and some company offers him millions for the next one? Maybe then.”

  “My biggest cheerleader,” Silas said. He knew Dino wanted kids. Given how easily he interacted with them, and how fun a teacher he could be, Dino would make a great father.

  “App?” Craig said.

  “Pride March. It’s a kind of location and history-based game,” Silas said. “Like a cross between a card collecting game and a distance tracker. You walk to collect cards, build sets, and there are location-specific cards to gather. I just launched a fundraiser to add more content before I release it. The beta went really well.”

  “That sounds great,” Craig said.

  “It is,” Dino said. “It’s all about queer culture. Entertainment and education. Silas is a force for queer history.”

  “Really?” Elisha said. “It’s on your phone?”

  “Yeah.” Silas brought up Pride March’s beta and showed them. “I’ve come this far doing research on my own, and I know I’m missing tons of queer people and queer history, so I’d really like to pay actual queer historians to do it, hence the fundraising. I’ve got a stretch goal to hire artists rather than use these retro 8-bit designs, too.”

  Elisha tapped a timeline card and read it out loud. “In 1976, riots break out after police raid bars in Montreal’s Stanley Street gay village in an attempt to ‘clean up’ the city for the 1976 Summer Olympics.” She blinked. “I’ve never even heard of that.”

  “Neither did I, until I went looking. That’s the point, though,” Silas said. “Queer people don’t usually have queer parents, so our stories, history, and culture doesn’t pass on the same way it does for most other marginalized people. Pride March could maybe teach some people a few things they didn’t know. It’s not like our history gets taught in school, either.” He remembered Craig was a teacher. “Sorry. I’m just excited about it.”

  “It’s awesome,” Craig said. “I try to be inclusive in class, but you’re right. It’s not like there’s much in the syllabus unless I put it there myself. It’s an uphill battle here for sure.”

  The waitress came, and Silas put his phone away while they listened to the specials. Craig and Dino ordered steaks. Elisha and Silas went with lighter fare. The prices weren’t too terrible, Silas noticed, with relief, matching the family pub vibe. For a second, he tried to imagine Manny and Charlotte joining them. Not likely.

  Once they ordered, Elisha handed the menus back to the waitress and then placed both her hands on the table.

  “Okay,” she said. “I’ve been patient. Time to spill. The truth.”

  Dino and Silas exchanged a glance. Crap. Silas should have known his sister would see right through their façade.

  “Spill?” Silas said, buying them time to think. After Craig’s pronouncement earlier, he had no idea what to say. Would she flip out if she knew she’d arranged a wedding on the basis of him dating Dino when it turned out he wasn’t?

  “How come you didn’t tell me you two were dating?” Elisha said. “Or that Dino here even existed?”

  Silas’s mind went completely blank.

  “That’s my fault,” Dino said.

  Elisha eyed him. “You didn’t want me to know you two were dating?”

  “No disrespect, but he told me about your parents, and they sounded, uh…” Dino paused, unsure. Silas was just as unsure of where Dino intended to go with all this, but of the two of them, Dino had the best Charisma modifier for untrained deception checks.

  All yours, tank.

  “I go with ‘challenging,’” Craig said, sipping his beer.

  “Challenging,” Dino said.

  “Okay,” Elisha said. “But I’m not them.” She looked at Silas, and it clicked. She was hurt. Oh crap.

  “I would have told you,” Silas said, but he stalled again. I would have told you I fell in love and started dating Dino, but the thing is we aren’t dating, so… What else could he even say?

  The truth. He could tell her the truth. Except then there’d be questions and maybe even arguments.

  He took a breath, completely at a loss. Why hadn’t he and Dino thought about this beforehand?

  “We didn’t want you to have to suffer through the fallout if your parents found out,” Dino said.

  Elisha turned back to him. “I don’t understand.”

  “If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t have to lie,” Dino said. “You wouldn’t be keeping anything from them, either.”

  Elisha took a second with that. “Oh.” She hesitated, turning to Silas. “I can handle them. You know they’re not like that with me.”

  “But you shouldn’t have to handle them,” Silas said. It felt like being honest. “The moment they found out about Dino, they’d be on you. What’s his family like? Where are they from? What does he do?” She looked down. “That happened anyway, didn’t it?”

  Elisha nodded. “Yes.”

  “You’re always the one defending me, and it’s not fair. They’re not going to change. You’re not going to back down. Why cause trouble when they didn’t have to know why I didn’t want to come home?” Said out loud, admitting his path of avoiding confrontation tightened his chest. The worst of the stuff between him and his parents always happened when Elisha wasn’t around. His parents knew full well Elisha wouldn’t like it, so like everything else, they compartmentalized, slapped on a topcoat of fake, and treated him differently in front of her. So did he. Silas never wanted to make her have to choose.

  She nodded again, slower.

  Silence fell. Dino took Silas’s hand under the table. He squeezed back.

  “Well. We’re glad you’re here,” Craig said.

  Silas smiled. “Thank you. We’ll do whatever we can to keep the challenging stuff to a minimum. Including…” He swallowed. “The bridesmaid thing? I’m honored, Leesh. It’s just, what about mother? That’s probably not going to—”

  “You two are part of the wedding party.” Elisha’s voice grew steely. “Period.”

  “—be a problem at all. We’re both so happy to take part,” Silas said.

  “Good.” She picked up her drink and took a sip. “Now, no more leaving me out of the loop, okay?”

  Silas raised his glass and clinked it with hers, less of a lie than saying something.

  “Besides,” Elisha said. “If I have to suffer through Charlotte’s fun, so do you.”

  “Charlotte’s what-now?”

  “Tomorrow. The not-a-stag-and-doe.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  Elisha frowned again. “Didn’t you get her email?”

  Craig pulled out his phone. He sighed. “Charlotte didn’t CC them.”

  “Of course,” Elisha said. She bit her lip. “Okay. First thing tomorrow, I’ll fix her oversight. Meet us in the lobby at seven, sharp. Charlotte planned us a whole stag-and-doe morning thing.”

  “That sounds…awful,” Silas said.

  “I’m sure it will be. She promised pampering and fun. And if I have to suffer through it, so do you.”

  “You can meet the groomsmen,” Craig said to Dino. “My parents aren’t getting here until the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night, but my brother Geoff will be here first thing in the morning. And Nelson, too.”

  “We’ll meet back up for a late lunch, then we have a couple of hours to ourselves before the rehearsal dinner,” Elisha said.

  “Me, you, and all the wives?” Silas said. “Are you sure I can’t just get waterboarded or something?”

  “Anne will be there,” Elisha said.

  “Well, that’s something.”

  “Also, Mom is coming,” Elisha said, sipping her drink and refusing to make eye contact.

  Silas kept the smile on his face with Herculean effort.

  “Super,” he said. It almost sounded sincere.

  * * *

  “Oh my God, what have we done?” Silas said the moment they were back in their hotel
room. Craig and Elisha had gone straight from the restaurant to the airport to pick up Anne and Nelson.

  “What?” Dino said. “What’s wrong?”

  “Are you kidding? Didn’t you hear what my sister said? Elisha is only getting married because of this… this…” He waved his hand back and forth between them. “Obfuscation!”

  “Obfus…” Dino squinted. “That’s not what she said.”

  “Oh my God, oh my God.” Silas started to pace. The twist in his chest ratcheted up notch by notch. He rubbed his thumb against it.

  “Hey,” Dino said, taking his shoulders. The squint became a frown. “Dude. You’re shaking.”

  “It’s… I don’t… She…” His train of thought wouldn’t board at the station.

  “I’ve met Elisha exactly once,” Dino said. “I already know she doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do. There’s a difference between not wanting to get married and being willing to sacrifice having a wedding, Little Man. She wants to marry him.”

  Silas took a few breaths. He looked up at Dino. “She wants me to be a bridesmaid,” he said, bursting into tears.

  Dino tugged him into a hug, and Silas buried his face against his chest. It took him a second to get himself back together. He sniffed a few times, then took a long, shaky breath.

  “Okay,” he said.

  Dino stepped back, eyeing him warily, like a bomb about to go off. Which, okay, fair enough.

  “Sorry.”

  “We can come clean,” Dino said. “If that’s what you need, we do that.”

  Silas laughed. “You’re talking to me like I’m a china doll.”

  Dino flinched. “Sorry. I’ve just never seen you…”

  “Sob like a wreck? Meltdown at the slightest provocation?” Silas managed a small smile. “Welcome to Alberta. It’s par for the course here. Every single time I tell myself I won’t get upset, and all it takes is maybe half an hour of being around my family, and—” He snapped his fingers. “Borderline panic attack. Or actual. It can go either way.”

  Dino softened. “I didn’t realize how much this would be for you. Manny did the handshake like whoever let go first was less of a man or something. I wanted to punch him, and we literally just met. I don’t punch people.”

  “Maybe a kick, then?” Silas said. “After all, we’ve been taking classes.”

  Dino laughed, then sobered. “I’m serious. If you want to tell your sister, we tell your sister.”

  A rush of warmth pooled through Silas. It didn’t entirely undo the knot in his chest, but it felt good nonetheless. “No,” he said. “No, you’re right. She wants a wedding. I can see it. She’s happy. She loves Craig.”

  “Well, Craig is a hottie.”

  “Really? Craig?”

  “You don’t think he’s hot?”

  “This is a really strange conversation,” Silas said.

  “Come on. He’s funny, great taste in beer, good butt, nice beard. You know that beard feels good in all the right places.”

  “I will admit the beard is lovely. The rest makes me feel really weird because he’s marrying my sister.”

  “Don’t worry, Little Man. You’re cuter.” Dino winked. “And the only guy for me.”

  “Do all your dates believe you when you say things like that?” Silas said, giving him a shove.

  “Only when I mean it,” Dino said, shoving him right back.

  “So, does that mean you’re gonna trim your beard down nice and short?”

  Dino rubbed the beard in question. “Are you kidding? And ruin this?”

  “Uh-huh. Come on,” Silas said. “Let’s unpack. I’m wiped. I don’t know why being on a plane is exhausting, but being on a plane is exhausting. I need to crash. We’ve got a big morning ahead of us. Apparently.”

  “I can’t wait.” Dino nodded at the bed. “Left side or right side?”

  “Doesn’t matter. You want the shower first?”

  “Bless you,” Dino said, going straight to the bathroom.

  Silas chuckled to himself and unzipped his suitcase. You know that beard feels good in all the right places. He shook his head, clearing the images of beards. The rush of warmth had come back, and his gaze went to the only bed in the room.

  “Hey Big Man?” Silas called. “You did pack pajamas, right?”

  Dino’s laughter from the bathroom wasn’t at all comforting.

  Chapter Eleven—August

  “Dude.” Silas turned his head. “Pajamas. Or at least boxers.”

  “It’s hot,” Dino said, but he went back into his room, which gave Silas a view of Dino going to match the one he’d just gotten of him coming.

  Who knew jockstraps even came in red? Or could be made of so little material?

  Also, Dino had butt-dimples, something Silas could now never unknow.

  Dino came back out in black workout shorts. “Better?”

  “Better. I didn’t have it in me to make a hot breakfast, but…” He opened the fridge and pulled out two mason jars. “Past Silas on the ball. Overnight oatmeal with raspberries.”

  “Past Silas is a genius,” Dino said, taking one. “Does Marion know when the AC repair guy is coming?”

  “Tomorrow. I’ll be home.”

  “Thank God.”

  They sat at the counter together, eating and trying not to sweat. It was a losing battle.

  “What time are you meeting the Bittersweets Club?” Dino said.

  Silas checked his phone. “A couple of hours. Nick and Ru are hosting a Pride brunch now.”

  Dino tilted his head. “You didn’t want to go?”

  “Let’s see. It’ll be Nick and Ru, Zach and Morgan, Fiona and Jenn, Phoebe and Dennis, Matt and Johnny, Owen and Toma, Yumi and Janine…” Silas leaned over. “Are you catching the pattern? Here’s a clue—Noah’s Ark.”

  “Ah. What about Felix?”

  “Felix is going, true, but he’s always been the unicorn of the Club.”

  “Rare and elusive?”

  “Horny.”

  Dino coughed on some oatmeal. “I remember when I met you.” He waved his spoon in the air. “That Silas would never have made a horn joke. Too polite. Too proper.”

  Silas smiled. “Too bad.”

  “It’s my influence,” Dino said, bouncing his pec muscles.

  “I’m sure it is, Big Man.” Silas eyed his chest. “I can’t decide if that’s hot or just smarmy.”

  “Solution? It can be both.” Dino winked, doing it again and licking his lips.

  Silas laughed. “Stop.”

  “Does it really bother you?” Dino asked, scraping his jar.

  Silas frowned. “The pec-bounce? No. I mean, it’s sort of humbling for a wee Little Man like me, but I’ve had years of being the smol. I’ll cope.”

  Dino smiled. “I meant the breakfast party. Being the single guy.”

  “Oh.” Silas thought about it. “It’s not the end of the world. But today will be people heavy. I don’t always people well. I like my quiet. Pride is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but I’m glad it’s Ottawa Pride. I don’t think I’d enjoy Toronto or Montreal. Way too crowded. The Village is smaller, and I’m glad. And as much as I’ll be happy to see everyone later, this is the perfect way to start the day.”

  “Aw. I’m flattered. Perfect, eh?”

  “Mostly the jockstrap,” Silas said. “Red is very flattering to your skin tone.”

  Dino licked the last of his oatmeal off the spoon with an exaggerated swipe of his tongue. “I have others, if you want to see the full range of colors available.”

  Silas rolled his eyes, but his face burned. Damn it. “Do you have one in mind for the Body Positive float? Pink maybe?”

  Dino shook his head. “We’re wearing shorts and tanks. Fiona got a bunch made up with awesome slogans and specific pride flags on them.”

  “What does yours say?”

  “The B in LGBTQIA+ isn’t Silent.”

  Silas smiled. “Nice. Though, has anyone ever accused you of being
silent?”

  “I think I miss too proper and too polite.”

  “Too late.”

  * * *

  The moment the Body Positive float came around the corner, Silas’s group raised their arms and whooped and hollered. They’d scored a prime spot under some trees on a corner by a gas station almost an hour earlier, and staying out of the sun was at least helping against some of the heat.

  All the trainers and staff were on the float, but Silas couldn’t help but feel like Dino stole the show. He cut such an impressive view, and while everyone looked good in their tanks, Dino was the tallest by no small margin, tossing wristbands out into the audience as the flatbed slowly moved by.

  “There’s my cubcake,” Owen said, in between shouting for the float.

  Silas spotted Toma, beside Dino. Shorter than Dino, but certainly stocky, Toma took a second to blow a kiss in Owen’s direction. Owen pretended to catch it. It was beyond adorable, and the smile Toma aimed in Owen’s direction after was completely besotted.

  “Okay, you two are just the most precious,” Ru said. “So, you’ll need to stop that, or we’ll all be sick.” He gave his rainbow umbrella a twirl.

  “Hey,” Nick said, tugging Ru in for a quick peck. “I thought we were the most precious?”

  “You can share the title,” Felix said. He wore a sleeveless shirt with “Nursing Gays Do It All Day Long!” across the front. He pointed back to the float. “Check it out.”

  They all turned. The previous song faded, and Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” began. All the trainers on the float were moving in synch, with Fiona in the lead, mugging in one direction while one of the other women trainers did the same for the opposite side of the street.

  “Can you see mommy?” Jenn said, raising Reed up higher so he could watch. Melody was bouncing up and down, too, jumping to see as much as she could. Nick gave her a boost. Both kids spotted Fiona and cheered.

  The trainers did jumping jacks, dropped for push-ups, and struck poses while the song continued, and the parade watchers chanted and clapped along. When the float started to move again, the song faded, and everyone gave another cheer.

  Silas whooped, and Dino noticed him. He held up one hand, then reached down, picked up something, and threw it with near-perfect aim at Silas.