Faux Ho Ho

by Nathan Burgoine

  “In my defense, I’ve never tried to kick someone before.”

  “You were supposed to kick the pad.”

  Silas bit his lip.

  “Don’t,” Dino said, stopping and holding out one finger.

  The stern glare pushed him over the edge. Another snicker escaped. Silas made himself look away before he started laughing again, pointing at the maples lining the Glebe streets. “Check it out. The leaves are already turning.”

  “Uh-huh.” Dino started walking again.

  Silas jogged to catch up. “You’re sure you’re okay, right?”

  Dino nodded. He also smiled for the first time since Silas’s debut kickboxing lesson had gone so specifically awry. Relief flooded through Silas, a warm wave that fought off the chill in the late September air.

  “So,” Silas said. “Where are we going?” They’d left the Village, which meant they weren’t heading home, or to Bittersweets, or Body Positive, or anywhere they usually went.

  “Somewhere I can hide your body.” Dino offered a mock scowl, but it cracked almost immediately. He rubbed his cheek. “Seriously decent kick.”

  “Rob thinks I could do well if I keep coming.” Silas hadn’t expected to earn any praise at all, but the gregarious coach flat-out asked him to come back. “Apparently, I’m flexible.”

  “I witnessed,” Dino said. “Closely.”

  “I really am sorry.”

  “It really is fine. And we’re here.”

  They were in front of one of the small brick houses that lined the Glebe. Silas had lost track of which side street they were on, but a quick glance told him they were almost all the way to the canal. He watched Dino climb the front steps and ring the doorbell, then open the door and step through without even waiting for a response.

  Silas followed, raising his eyebrows. Wherever they were, Dino felt welcome.

  * * *

  “Mom, this is Silas, Silas, this is my mom, Chiara. We were just in the neighborhood, so I thought we’d drop by.”

  Dino’s mother was a tall, curvy woman, with skin a shade or two lighter than Dino’s and a mass of curly dark hair that gave Silas an inkling of just what might happen if Dino grew his longer. She seemed to be dressed for comfort in jeans and a nice blouse with a pattern of repeating blue flowers.

  “Nice to meet you,” Dino’s mother said, her voice polite and warm, wrapping Silas up in a surprisingly strong hug. She stepped back and turned to Dino, scowling. “What happened to your face?”

  “Kickboxing class,” Dino said.

  She took his chin and turned his face toward the light. “Did you ice it?”

  “In class, yes. Rob has a fully stocked first aid kit.”

  “Who’s Rob? Is he the one who kicked you?”

  “No, he’s the teacher.” Dino smiled. “Silas is the one who kicked me.”

  “It was an accident.” Silas blushed. “My first class.”

  Chiara’s lips curled into a small smile. “Maybe you knocked some sense into him? Convinced him to slow down?”

  Silas laughed. “Not likely.”

  “Hey,” Dino said, crossing his arms. “I’m standing right here.”

  “Yes, yes. Did you two eat? I have leftovers…”

  “We did,” Silas said. “But thank you.”

  “Well, take some with you.” Chiara disappeared through the hall archway into what Silas assumed was the kitchen.

  “Don’t even try to fight it,” Dino said.

  The doorbell rang again, the door opening a second later. A woman who could only be Dino’s sister stepped in. They had the same nose and eyes, though she was even taller than their mother. Three children trailed her, obviously all midway through a conversation.

  “—and no screens until after we get home and homework is done.”

  “But mom,” one child started, then stopped and noticed Dino and Silas. “Uncle Dino!” He launched himself at Dino, who caught him mid-leap, swinging him up and around his shoulders, barely missing the light fixture. The kid laughed hysterically.

  “Hey A.J.,” Dino said, tickling him.

  “Please don’t break your nephew,” the woman said. The other two children, a boy and a girl, launched an attack on Dino’s legs, one kid each. Silas stepped back.

  The door opened again. A man stepped through, carrying two bags of groceries. “Oh, hey, Dino,” he said, clearly unfazed to see the three kids climbing all over him.

  “Hey Sergio,” Dino said, flipping the first kid upside down and taking two steps with a child clinging to each leg.

  “Hi,” the woman said, offering a hand to Silas. “I’m Olivia. Dino’s sister.”

  “Nice to meet you. I’m Silas,” Silas said. “The roommate.”

  “Finally,” Olivia said, aiming a pointed stare at her brother.

  “Hey, you guys are a lot,” Dino said, finally putting the first kid down on the ground. “I didn’t want to scare him off. I love that apartment.”

  The doorbell rang again, and another man and woman and two more children walked in.

  Silas stepped back to make more room. The two new kids seemed just as excited to see Uncle Dino, and then the pack of five grabbed each other and ran off up the stairwell. Silas got another round of introductions, this time to Dino’s brother Niko and sister-in-law, Angie. Silas shook hands, and then Niko tilted his head.

  “Someone clock you?” he said.

  “Honey,” Angie said. “Looks painful. What happened?”

  “He kicked me in the face,” Dino said, pointing at Silas.

  Niko took in Silas and laughed. “Seriously?”

  “We were in kickboxing class,” Silas said. “It was an accident.”

  “Did he cry?” Niko asked. “Because this one time I punched him, he cried like a baby.”

  “I was four, and you stole my monkey!”

  “And you didn’t punch him,” Olivia said. “You slapped him.”

  “I punched him.”

  “An open-handed punch?”

  Silas looked from person to person, trying to keep up. Dino had a monkey?

  The first man—Sergio, was it?—leaned in. “You get used to it.”

  “I didn’t even know we were coming over,” Silas said.

  Sergio patted his shoulder. “He’s just showing you off. Don’t worry. They’re loud, but they’re friendly.”

  “Okay.”

  “Hey, Mom?” Dino said, raising his voice and calling over his shoulder. “Can Silas come to Thanksgiving?”

  “What?” Silas said. “No, you don’t have to—”

  “Of course,” Chiara returned from the kitchen, two lidded bowls stacked in her left hand. “Do you have any food issues I should know about?”

  “Just say yes,” Sergio said. “Trust me.”

  Silas blinked a few times. They were all looking at him. “No. Sorry, I mean, yes, I’d love to come. Thank you, that’s very generous. And no, I don’t have food allergies. What can I bring?”

  Dino’s mother put her arm around her son. “I like this one. Very polite. See how he said thank you and also offered to bring something? Not like that Sondra or your last boyfriend. You could learn from this one.”

  “Mom,” Dino said.

  “If you have a favorite dessert, it would be very welcome,” Chiara said. “I love to cook. I hate to bake. Cooking is art. Baking?” She pressed the two containers into Silas’s hands and winked. “Baking is chemistry.”

  “Thank you. I will,” Silas said. “I love to bake, but I also like chemistry.”

  A whirlwind of farewells later, complete with multiple hugs and five yelled goodbyes from the throng of kids upstairs, and Silas and Dino were back on the street. It was nearly dark now, a few leaves crunching underfoot as they headed back toward the Village, the streetlights flickering on above them.

  “Your family is nice.”

  “Nice and loud,” Dino said. “And my stepfather wasn’t even home yet. He’s the loudest.”

  “Trying to i
magine that. Failing.” Silas eyed him. “You didn’t have to invite me to Thanksgiving.”

  Dino grinned. “Sure I did. Boyfriend plans.”

  Silas laughed. “Right.” At least now they weren’t lying about going. He wondered if Dino did it on purpose. Honestly, either way it was a nice gesture and meant he had somewhere to go. And, he realized with no small surprise, he was looking forward to it. Something as simple as Dino’s mother mentioning Dino’s boyfriends and girlfriends and two containers of whatever it was he was carrying felt more like family than any time he remembered in Alberta.

  “What are you thinking?” Dino said.

  “Just how different your family is from mine.”

  “They’re the best.” He flinched. “I didn’t mean that in comparison…”

  “Oh, no worries. I know exactly where my family sits in the Silas Waite Venn Diagram of Life.”

  “The what?”

  Silas eyed him. “I’ll explain if you tell me about your monkey.”

  Chapter Fourteen—December

  Silas glanced at Charlotte, sitting primly to his left, a pen and piece of paper in front of her and more than a little bit of fury in her eyes. This wasn’t going the way she wanted, and it hadn’t even begun yet.

  She’d introduced the Spouse-off as soon as everyone had finished lunch in the same rented room where they’d had breakfast. To Silas’s surprise, the men had come in somewhat boisterously. Craig, his brother Geoff, Nelson, and Dino had definitely clicked, and were laughing and talking animatedly when they arrived. Even Micah seemed in semi-positive spirits, his cheeks still reddened from the cold air. Only Manny looked annoyed. He kept checking his phone over and over, as if waiting for something important.

  In direct contrast, Silas and Anne had been batting conversational distractions back and forth since his mother had reopened the debate for the ninth or tenth time about hiring a last minute professional photographer. Elisha wouldn’t back down, and Charlotte and Trish had decided to toss in their opinions as well.

  Unsurprisingly, they agreed with Alexandra.

  It was almost a relief when they’d all settled down to eat again. Even the arrival of Silas’s father, who hadn’t gone with the rest of the men on their morning’s outing, at least gave his mother someone else to talk to.

  Silas settled in, aware the arrangement of the table seating—something Charlotte had organized for this late lunch—meant he and Dino were nowhere near each other. But all the couples except for his mother and father were split up, with the women and Silas on one side, and the men down the other, so he let it go.

  “Okay, he’s smitten.”

  Silas turned to Anne and Elisha, not following. Both were smiling. “Pardon?”

  “Your guy,” Anne said, nodding. “Look at him.”

  Silas, not sure what she meant, turned and glanced at Dino, down the other side of the table. Almost as though Dino could feel him looking, he turned, smiled, and offered a little nod and a raised eyebrow.

  The message couldn’t be clearer: you okay?

  Silas gave him a thumbs-up.

  “See?”

  He turned back to Anne. “He’s kind of the best,” Silas said.

  “Nelson does it, too.” Anne sipped her water. “Craig does it every five seconds or so.”

  Elisha leaned in. “That’s because I’m seated beside my mother,” she said, barely above a whisper.

  The three of them laughed.

  “True love is checking in,” Anne said.

  Silas’s whole face burned. “By the way,” he said, clearing his throat. “Thanks for recommending Cait to me for my app. She had a lot of good ideas about accessibility I hadn’t even considered. Also, I made sure the player image can be using a chair or a walker or canes if you want.”

  “I’m so glad she could help,” Anne said. “And thank you for the rep. I backed it this morning.”

  “So did we,” Elisha said.

  “Aw, you two are the best.”

  “Weren’t we traitors a few hours ago?” Anne frowned at his sister.

  “He’s fickle. You get used to it.”

  Once the plates had been cleared away, Charlotte rose with her clipboard. “Okay. Let me explain the Spouse-off,” she said. “There are three questions for the men, three for the women, and a tie-breaker just in case.”

  “Wait for it,” Silas whispered, leaning over to Anne.

  “Oh. Silas,” Charlotte said, as though she’d forgotten. Again.

  “There it is.” Silas cleared his throat and spoke louder for Charlotte. “It’s fine. I’m seated with the ladies.”

  “Right.” Charlotte nodded. “Okay, then. I ask the men questions about the women, and then the women questions about the men…” She paused, waving a hand at Silas. “Or whatever. We all write down our answers before we read them, and every matching answer earns a point.”

  “Is it too late to change my gender to whatever?” Anne whispered just loud enough to be heard.

  “The important thing is,” Charlotte’s voice rose. “That we have fun.”

  “Oh, screw that,” Anne said. “We’re in it to win, Nelson.”

  Nelson raised his glass of beer.

  “Let me do the questions,” Geoff said. “That way you can play. I’m the only one flying solo. Besides, that way you can’t cheat.” He winked and took the clipboard from Charlotte before she could so much as gasp.

  “Everyone ready?” Geoff raised the pink clipboard high.

  They got started.

  “Okay, fellas,” Geoff said, eyeing the list of questions. “Okay, I get the idea. Let’s start with something you’re all sure to remember. Where was your first date?” He turned to the other half of the room. “You all write down your answers, and no collusion. I will have no cheating in this most sacred of contests.”

  Silas decided he liked Geoff a lot.

  He looked down at his paper and considered. He and Dino had never actually gone on a date, but technically… He wrote down his answer.

  Once everyone finished writing, Geoff got the couples to reveal their answers one by one. Anne and Nelson agreed their first date had been a film festival, so they got a point. Charlotte and Manny had gone to a fancy restaurant, but Manny got the restaurant name wrong. No point. Micah and Trish got a point for their high school dance, and Craig and Elisha scored with their late brunch after a 5k run.

  Silas went last.

  “We went to Bittersweets, and then went swimming,” he said.

  “Yes!” Dino pumped his arm into the air and held up his paper. “Coffee and swimming.”

  “You don’t even know how to swim,” Micah said.

  “I do now. He taught me,” Silas said.

  Unsurprisingly, Mr. and Mrs. Waite weren’t playing.

  “Okay, second question for the entirely men side of the table,” Geoff said. “Let’s try something tougher. What would they say their favorite piece of clothing was?”

  “That’s not one of my questions,” Charlotte said, reaching for the clipboard.

  “Which means you can’t have cheated ahead of time,” Geoff said, holding her clipboard out of her reach.

  Silas stared at his paper for a moment. Only one answer, really, but… Fuck it. He wrote it down.

  This time, only Craig and Elisha scored with her Doc Martens and Anne and Nelson for her 99 Gretzky Oilers jersey.

  Silas went last.

  He took a breath, suddenly wishing he’d written anything else.

  “Pink jockstrap,” he said.

  “Oh, crap!” Dino said, laughing and holding up his paper for Micah to read. Micah visibly recoiled. “I said the red one.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Manny muttered.

  “They come in pink?” Anne said.

  “You can get them in all sorts of colors,” Silas said.

  “Or leather,” Dino said.

  “Wouldn’t that chafe?” Craig asked.

  “Jesus Christ,” Manny muttered again.

 
; “Ever notice men only wonder if underwear is comfortable when they’re the ones wearing it?” Elisha said.

  Anne high fived her.

  “Next question,” Charlotte said.

  “Okay!” Geoff said, laughing. “Last question for this side.” He tapped the clipboard against his chest, thinking. “What’s your better half’s favorite holiday?”

  Silas smiled. He glanced at Dino and saw the same smile on his face. He wrote down “Pride” and waited to collect another point. While the others scribbled, Manny’s phone pinged again and he picked it up. Whatever he saw there brought a slow smile to his face. Manny turned and stared Silas down, lips curled. Silas turned away, shuddering.

  He hated it when Manny smiled like that.

  “Everyone ready?” Geoff called.

  Silas turned away, pointedly ignoring his eldest brother’s smirk.

  * * *

  “Okay, and here’s the tiebreaker,” Geoff said. He was totally hamming it up now, looking between Silas and Dino, and then Elisha and Craig. They’d made it to the final round with five points each, and the last point about stuffed animals had only happened because Silas remembered Dino’s monkey, General Banana-Pants the Third, at the last second.

  “This is still for fun, right?” Silas said.

  “You’re going down.” Elisha pointed a finger-gun at him, then fired.

  Geoff eyed the clipboard, then shook his head, dismissing whatever Charlotte had written there. “Okay, here we go. Silas and Elisha? What would Dino and Craig say their favorite Christmas movie is?”

  Crap. They hadn’t spent a Christmas together yet. Silas bit his lip, trying to remember if they’d ever talked Christmas movies before. He didn’t think so. They’d watched so many movies together, too. Silas had a thing for SF, Dino liked retro cartoons or things with lots of action, but surely it wouldn’t be something like the Grinch… What else could it be?

  Of course! He wrote down his answer. The other three were already done.

  “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” Elisha said.

  Craig raised his paper and cheered. “She’s got it.”

  Everyone turned to look at Silas.

  “Die Hard,” he said.