All the lights.
The scent of cookies.
The spices of mulled wine hanging in the air…
And here we go with tearing up again.
I stared up at the sky, exhaling slowly.
“I’m so sorry, Kate. Seriously. I wasn’t… I didn’t realize…” Clara trailed off and I couldn’t blame her.
Hell, I’d not be blaming anyone if they’d just wanted to get away from me. “It’s all good. I’m just… I don’t know, it’s bad this year. As if… I don’t know. I’ll be there. I’ll be setting up with you and all.” She was going to sell some handmade knickknack, and while I definitely wasn’t in the mood, I’d smile through it.
Just like I smiled through everything lately. “Look…” I glanced at the clock of the town hall. “It’s getting late and I promised Lottie to drop off some things for the first graders. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
She nodded, seemingly glad to get away without having to make excuses, and I turned away. Lottie was my best friend and I knew that she’d always had my back.
Even if right now I’d lied about having to go and see her.
It was getting dark fast, just like always in winter, and it felt as if night fell around noon lately.
Or maybe that was just me.
I passed all the glowing windows, the Christmas decorations, the pretty lights until I came to the only house in the street not having anything glowing. I unlocked the door and stepped inside, realizing I’d forgotten to turn on the heating after having opened all the windows for some fresh air.
The house was dark and cold, and I knew it would keep feeling like that no matter what I’d do.
Our Christmas lights were still in the attic, and I wouldn’t even bother to get a tree.
I didn’t need decorations.
I needed Blue, and I needed him now.
I took off my jacket after placing all bags on the ground, and then crouched down to untie my boots.
I swallowed, but before I knew it, I was sobbing, my fingers shaking. I dropped onto my ass, resting my head against the wall as I cried in the emptiness of the house, realizing that this breakdown had been meant to come sooner or later.
Pulling my cell out, I wanted to call someone, wanted to find someone who could comfort me, but as my finger hovered over the numbers, I realized there was just one person and one person alone that I wanted to reach, and that one call I couldn’t make no matter how much I wanted to.
Blue
“You’re fucking antsy, Sarge. What in the world is going on?”
I glanced at Ace and then around. “I’m just worried.”
He squinted at me. “About?”
How in the world could you explain something like that? “I have the feeling something’s wrong at home.”
Instantly his expression fell. “I’m sorry they decided that Hawk gets to go home from this unit.”
I missed Kate, missed her more than words could say, but I also knew Hawk deserved being home. “That’s not it. I feel like…” I couldn’t exactly say what it was, but damn, I just wanted to pace more.
Ace grabbed my arm. “Blue, go and see if you can get a call in. Just call Kate. Maybe that’ll make things better for you.”
I nodded, and then crossed over to the communication tent. It took only a few minutes before I had a video call standing with her, my heart thudding as I waited for her to pick up.
And then it shattered because there was no denying that she’d been crying if her sniffled “hello” was anything to go by.
“It’s quite dark,” I pointed out.
“Still in the hallway. Haven’t turned on the light yet,” she whispered, then shifted and for a second I didn’t see anything as the display and camera adjusted to the new light.
I didn’t see much of her face because she was hiding it behind her hand, and I wanted to hug her. “Kate… Katy, talk to me. What is going on?”
I crunched my had up in one hand, tearing on my hair with the other because it was the only thing I could do.
“Stop, Theodore, please. I’m okay. I’m much better now,” she urged and I gritted my teeth. There was nothing better about this, but if she called me by my name instead of my nickname, I knew I had to get a grip.
For both of us.
“Theodore. I was a bad boy.”
She laughed, wiping at her cheeks, and it was only then I noticed she was sitting in our hallway. “Katecia, what in the world happened?”
She licked her lips, lowering her eyes.
“Don’t you dare lie to me,” I grumbled. I knew she’d be just doing it to protect my feelings, to make it easier on me, but we didn’t need easy that day.
“Look,” she started, “it’s just been one of those days where… I mean… It’s Christmas, and all I can think about is you not being here, and you not coming. There’s nothing to look forward to, no family around, and although I make sure I’m super busy no matter what, it just hit me today how much I missed you.” She cleared her throat as new tears threatened to fall. “And then I came home, and there was only one person I wanted to call, but…”
“… You couldn’t because you cannot just call me.”
I watched her nod. “Exactly.”
Forcing a grin onto my lips, I wagged my brows at her. “I’m more than glad to hear that you still love me that much.”
She gave me the finger and I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Of course, I love you. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. Three more months. We can do that. We’ll just do Christmas then, right?”
“And Thanksgiving, and Valentine’s. And your birthday. We do everything we missed. I promise.” And if I had it my way, we’d also settle that one question I’d not dared to ask yet.
Did I doubt her feelings for me? No, but I had a feeling asking her to marry me when I was just in the country for a few days for holidays wasn’t exactly what she deserved.
And still, now I was convinced that we needed to get the question popped and the wedding planned, because worse than her not getting the proposal she deserved was her never getting to bear my name.
“This is exactly what I needed, Blue. You calling. How did you know?”
I hadn’t. “I don’t know. It was just this feeling that something was off. You know how much I love you, and you know I believe in fate. You’re mine. You always were. So why shouldn’t I feel it when you’re not feeling well?” I didn’t say more, didn’t say that I’d felt over the last letters that she was crumbling. Last year we’d been together for Christmas and there’d never been a more perfect time. Kate lived for Christmas lights, jingles and tunes, and the snow coating the streets. It was the only reason I’d have ever agreed to move somewhere even more northern than New York.
Okay, that was a lie because wherever she went, I’d go.
“You are so cheesy sometimes.”
I grinned. “And you love it.”
“I love everything about you. So, guess what? Clara stopped me on the street today and I nearly burst into tears when she asked about you and Christmas. I think she’ll be very careful asking about you in the future.”
I didn’t know who Clara was. Or maybe I did, but really, the people from around town weren’t exactly familiar to me. “Poor woman.”
What I actually meant: I’m sorry, Katecia, that this is how the year goes. I’m sorry it hits you harder this year.
“Have you considered flying out to Washington to spent Christmas with your dad and grandpa?”
She instantly shook her head. “No. My plan for Christmas Eve is to open a bottle of wine, sit in the living room and look at all the pictures I have of us. I’ll be reveling in our love even while I’ll be crying because you’re not there, and then, on the twenty-fifth, I’ll be in church, helping with everything, watching the others sing, and then give out food at the shelter. This year Christmas is all about giving, because next year we’ll be doing nothing. I’ll be glued to your side, and no one will get you without me. I�
�ll be so selfish, people will be annoyed with me because I keep you.”
I laughed, loving the outlook while she all but pouted about it. “Will you keep me the other times, too?”
For a moment she tapped her chin in thought, then she grinned. “You do have to work, so I’m okay with letting you go there, but other than that? Mine. You are all mine.”
And I would not mind one bit.
Kate
He’d known.
Just like he always did when I wasn’t feeling good.
And it just made me miss him more, even if I was feeling much better.
“I’m always all yours,” he replied, and there was no doubt in his voice. Instantly the tears came again, but this time they were happy tears.
“Oh, please, Kate, no. Please,” he instantly added.
I laughed. “Those are good tears because I love you this much. And you love me the same.”
That caused him to exhale in relief. “Okay. I was worried. So, tell me what’s going on in the part of the world I’m not at.”
“Japan? Hmm… Haven’t heard much recently,” I joked.
He rolled his eyes and I wanted to reach out to brush my fingertips across his lips. God, I wanted to touch him so bad. “US. Tell me about Camden.”
“There’s the Christmas fair this weekend. Christmas parade the weekend after. And then something the weekend after that, too. In between plays and caroling and all that.” All things I usually enjoyed, but that felt like chores this year.
His expression softened. “You’re going, right?”
I shrugged. “Helping Clara with her stand, so I’ll be there, at least for a little while. And then I’ll be—”
“—having mulled wine with Lottie, watching all the lights, talking to people and enjoy the horrible karaoke competition,” he finished for me.
I didn’t plan on it, but I had a feeling he was going to make me promise I would go. And if I did, I would definitely go because…
I’d promised him.
“Don’t make me. I want to be miserable and have everyone talking about how hard it must be to be your girlfriend, with you being all perfect and only the sun touching your face currently, and how much they feel for me because I’m still doing the best I can to make this weekend amazing.”
He laughed, the sound like a hug from the distance. “You’ll go. And if I have a feeling you won’t, I’ll call up Lottie.”
My jaw dropped. “Traitor! Why not let me be the good army girlfriend?”
“You are, which is why you’ll make it easy on my mind and go out, having fun.”
I’d never thought about it that way, and suddenly my heart hurt for him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this harder on you.” And I meant that.
“Don’t ever apologize for being honest with me.”
“I’m not.” And I wasn’t. “I apologized for not thinking about the fact that me being out and having fun might lift your spirits, too. I’ll take all the happy-jolly pictures for you and send them in the next letter, okay?”
He reached out, and I could just picture in my mind how he ran his fingertips along the screen as if it would make touching me possible. “All the pictures, all the time. I love seeing my comrades drool over you, and then watch their hearts break as I remind them that you are mine.” He gave a fake evil cackle and I remembered again why I’d never trade anything for being with him.
I didn’t care how hard it got, how long he was away, and how much he loved being a soldier. If I had the choice between a relationship right here, someone constantly there, and being with Blue for the rest of my life, even if deployments were our almost constant state of being, I’d pick him.
Every day.
Always.
“I’ll make sure to push my shirt a little down my shoulder next time to tease them more, hotshot.”
He grinned. “Definitely. And take some pictures so I can check if you got tattoos while I was away.”
This caused me to groan. “Just say ‘send me nudes, please.’”
“Send nudes. Loads.”
I wouldn’t do that and he knew it, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t get all the chances to take them himself next time he was home. “Thank you, Blue. I love you. So much. And this… I needed this. So much.”
He nodded. “Show me the decorations. I know you couldn’t wait, so…”
I swallowed, faking a smile. “I haven’t turned them on yet. Just got home. And I really need to go and use the bathroom, and we don’t wanna ruin the magic, right?”
“Oh, you are so right. Nope, better let you go, then. And, princess?”
Jesus, my heart warmed all over at that nickname, although in the beginning he’d not used it as a compliment. “Sarge?”
“You are my girl, and I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never be far, and you know it. I’ll call you soon again. They are a little more lenient at Christmas. And again… Consider going to see your dad, okay?”
I shrugged. “I’ll think about it. And, soldier, send me your dirty shirts.”
“They stink.”
I laughed. “I know.”
He groaned. “You are the weirdest person ever.”
“It’s true love, love.”
“I know.”
He watched me a moment longer, then smiled, blew me a kiss, and hung up. I rested my forehead against the phone, but after a few seconds I realized that I was smiling. Oceans between us, and Blue still managed to save me each and every time again.
Chapter 2
Blue
Desert nights could get cold. I didn’t think many people believed that when you told them that, but it was true.
And desert nights were getting lonely. We’d watched people leave base, knowing they’d be home for a week or two, would get to spent some time with their loved ones while others were returning for good.
They’d never go back to any deployment, and some not even back to any base.
“Thinking about leaving the army?” Machine settled down next to me, pulling his knees up and close.
“Me? Never.” It could be true. Maybe. Then again, there were more things than just the army to live for, more things to do than just being a soldier.
Machine was quiet for a moment, then he nudged me with his shoulder. “I’ve seen the look before, Sarge. And I’ve seen your girl. I know what she looks like. We all do.” He grinned.
“Seen my girl… You’ve more than seen my girl.” Kate and my guys were close.
Hard not to after all we’d been through together.
“Just a few more months, Sarge, and she will be right there, more beautiful, more resilient than ever, and you know it. You’re not one of those guys who come back from deployment and aren’t being picked up. She’ll always be there.”
I knew that. I never once had doubted that. “I know, okay?”
He smiled softly. “You’re lucky.”
I knew that, too. “There’ll be a girl for you, too, Machine. Never stop believing. Besides, look where I found mine.”
He chuckled, and so did I, even if it wasn’t funny. I still remembered that day very vividly, the thoughts about having heard a rat scuttle away only to realize it was a living and breathing human among all the bodies… I shook my head, not wanting to think about it further.
“We can’t all be heroes, you know?”
“We can. You were. All of us were that day. And besides, we also can’t do everything right all the time. Remember that, soldier. We are human. We make mistakes. All we can do is love, and give our hearts completely.”
He nodded. “And find a woman who can handle all that without leaving.”
Yeah, that, but sadly you could hardly tell the good ones from the bad ones. We knew all the horror stories, knew all the cheating and lies, and yet, for me there’d never been a single doubt about how much Kate and I meant to each other.
I didn’t spent nights worrying that she was going to find someone else, or that I would be coming back and she
’d be pregnant, making it more than obvious it wasn’t mine. “Machine… This is my last year in the South. When we’re back, I’ll have to do six more months and then they’ll move me. My appeal was granted. I’ll be much closer to Camden from then on.”
Which meant Kate didn’t have to fly down to be near base. She wrote her articles there, did interviews via computer and whatnot, but I knew she missed Camden whenever I was back in the US, and even if she’d never said it, never complained, I wanted to make it easier for her.
In fact, I’d put in the request to move base without her knowing. She’d insist I’d stay with the guys because Machine and I were still on base together, and the unit was incredible, but they’d never stop being my brothers just because I lived and worked somewhere else.
Moving Kate to Camden had been a spur-of-the-moment decision, and yet I knew that she’d never been happier there, even if for the first year it had meant she needed to fly back and forth.
I didn’t want that for her anymore, especially now that she’d had nine months to just be there.
“Ace told me about earlier this week. Kate wasn’t doing well, was she?”
His voice was solemn, and I couldn’t blame him. Katecia was family for most of my men. “No, she wasn’t. She sat in the hallway and cried. Took me a few moments to realize it, and I also think she lied to me about having put up Christmas decorations.” Which, too, had struck me only later.
Machine’s jaw dropped. “No way. She decorated my truck last year because she was so excited. We couldn’t find a single spot she’d been in that didn’t have Christmas knickknacks and lights. She lives for that shit.”
I nodded. “I know.”
He sighed, resting his head. “Maybe I don’t want to find anyone really.” For a second he was quiet, then he cleared his throat. “You know how I left my phone with Mom? The new one I got? Seems I get messages from a girl on them. Mom said she respects me enough to not read them. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t give my phone number out to any girl.”
Christmas Wishes: A Christmas Romance Anthology Page 5
