by Sue MacKay
‘Where’s Kayla? She likes sausages.’ Ryder stabbed his plate with his fork.
‘Yeah, when’s Kayla going ride our skateboards again?’ Callum added his two cents’ worth.
Kayla, Kayla. Were the boys beginning to think she was letting them down? It was entirely his fault she wasn’t here. Slowing things down until everyone was completely comfortable with her being in his life hadn’t improved a thing and it had only made him more desperate to spend time with her.
Seems the boys are too.
So what was his problem? Afraid to take the next step? Scared to get too involved and have his love thrown back in his face?
‘Dad, where is she?’
‘Working.’
‘No, she’s not. She’s got tonight off. You’re wrong.’ Mr Know-It-All looked at him belligerently. ‘I wrote it on the blackboard.’
‘That’s enough, Ryder. I’ve made a mistake, all right?’ A big one involving a woman who had him in a state of amazement that he could even think of love again. A woman who had his kids writing down when next she’d be free to visit because they liked her so much. This was what he’d been hoping to avoid because he was afraid she might let them down.
More likely afraid to commit in case he was hurt again.
Starting over, trying to rebuild his confidence as well as the boys’, trying to make them understand it wasn’t anything to do with them or how they made their beds or brushed their teeth seemed too hard.
But what if it worked out for them all? Happy ever after? Did a relationship with Kayla have to go wrong? No avoiding how easily he’d fallen into loving being with her. They hit it off so well it was perfect. They liked similar food and being outdoors, shared a similar sense of humour. They had the same values about helping others and not hurting people. What could go amiss? Every damned thing. He’d loved Leanne, Leanne had loved him; they’d had a wonderful marriage. Where was all that now? He still didn’t fully understand how Leanne had stopped loving him when little had changed in their lives, but she had. What if it happened again?
You’ll never know if you don’t take a chance.
‘Kayla’s here,’ Dylan shouted, and jumped down from the table to race to open the front door. ‘She’s not working.’
‘What? Are you sure?’ Had she been reading his mind from afar, by any chance? Knew he was in a turmoil over her?
‘Kayla, we’re having sausages. Want one?’
‘Best invitation I’ve had all day.’
Jamie sighed as her soft voice reached him, turning him to mush. How could he even be questioning himself about Kayla? He adored her. She did things to him he hadn’t known for so long it was as though a drought had been overtaken by a flood of tenderness, excitement and hope. He wanted to believe in her, trust her with his heart, with his kids.
‘It’s your lucky day. I cooked too many.’ He stood and hugged her. To hell with the boys. He kissed her on the lips, not fiercely, as he’d like, but just as longingly as he would if they were on their own.
She didn’t reciprocate, remained impassive.
Warning bells started ringing. Something was wrong. Was she about to tell him they were over? Please, not that. He stepped back, pulled out a chair. ‘Take a seat. Callum, get a plate and knife and fork for Kayla.’
She sucked a breath.
‘You’ve already eaten?’
Easy, don’t get uptight because you’re fearful of what she might say. Wait and hear her out.
‘No. I only dropped by to ask you something, and didn’t think of the time. Sorry I’ve interrupted your dinner. I should’ve phoned.’
Since when did she have to do that? On the weeks he had the kids, that’s when. ‘Don’t worry. It’s great to see you. Really,’ he added. It was. Whatever was putting that worried expression on her face, he was happy to see her, to have held and kissed her, however briefly. ‘Like I said, there’s plenty of food to spare. I got a bit carried away.’ His mind had been on other things, mostly Kayla. She got to him in everything he did now.
‘We got a new bottle of tomato sauce, Kayla,’ Callum piped up. ‘You can have plenty this time.’
She sat down. ‘Sounds good to me. What’s everyone been doing? How’s school going this week?’
Jamie listened to the excited chatter from his boys, acknowledging how readily they’d accepted Kayla. They had right from the beginning, which cranked up his concern about being wary of her in their lives. She smiled as she listened to the boys talking over each other. A smile he looked for whenever he was with her, and hadn’t received so far tonight. ‘Here, get that into you.’ He put the plate down and returned to his chair.
‘Looks good.’
It was a basic meal, but the boys loved it, which saved a lot of arguments at the end of a busy day. Maybe not the greatest way to make sure they ate well, but anything that saved a lot of hassle was worth it. ‘Careful or I’ll cancel the food magazines I signed up for last week.’
‘Trying to impress me, by any chance?’
‘Absolutely.’ Was it working? He wanted to rush the boys through dinner and into the shower so they’d go to bed and he could talk with Kayla, find out why she’d acted uncertain when she’d arrived. Instead he held onto his patience and enjoyed the moment. Like an ordinary family after a normal day at work or school. Normal. Family. Yeah, it felt good, despite Kayla’s reticence. And his own.
‘Can we have ice cream, Dad?’ Callum asked, knowing full well it wasn’t Friday night. ‘Ple-ease.’
There wasn’t a scrap of food left on either of the boys’ plates. He glanced at Kayla, saw amusement blinking back at him and caved. ‘All right. Just this once,’ he added, knowing they’d ask again tomorrow.
‘You want some, Kayla? It’s got jellybeans in it.’
‘No thanks, guys.’
‘What about me?’ Jamie called after Callum as he headed out to the laundry and the freezer.
‘You don’t like it.’
‘True.’ He stood up to clear the table, reached for Kayla’s plate. ‘What’ve you been up to today?’
‘Apart from dealing with a heart attack, a broken ankle and taking an elderly gentleman from the hospital back to the retirement home, not a lot.’
‘A quiet day, in other words.’ The heart attack victim would’ve made it or she’d be rattled. Unless that had been behind her quiet mood when she’d first arrived. ‘You all right?’
‘Fine.’ Then Kayla looked directly at him. ‘Can we talk when the boys are in bed?’
The alarm bells were back, tightening his gut, chilling his skin. Not fine at all, if that flattening of her sensual mouth meant anything, and he knew her well enough to accept it did. ‘We’ll have to wait a while. It’s barely gone six.’
‘No problem.’
Then why were her fingers digging into her thighs so hard? ‘Kayla? What’s up?’
‘You’ve got more than me,’ Ryder shouted.
‘Boys, quieten down.’ He crossed to the bench to sort out exact servings of ice cream, cursing under his breath. Holding out the plates, he told them, ‘Take these to the other room and watch some TV quietly.’
‘I didn’t stop to think about what you’d be doing or what time it was, sorry.’ Kayla was rinsing dishes to place in the dishwasher.
His gut tightened some more. Kayla didn’t do impulsive, unless there was a challenge involved. He shoved the ice cream into the freezer and banged the door shut.
A challenge?
‘What’s up?’
She inclined her head in the direction of the lounge. ‘Later.’
Five minutes would be too long, let alone an hour that included showers, bedtime reading and lots of giggling. Plugging in the kettle, he made two cups of tea, all the time aware of Kayla watching him, winding him tighter than an elastic band stretched to its max. ‘Come on. We’ll
sit on the deck.’
The sun was still strong, but the deck roof afforded some shade. Kayla sat on the top step leading down to the lawn that was long overdue a cut, and sipped her tea, staring at her feet. Looking vulnerable. Looking like all the fire had gone out of her. Like the Kayla he’d held after that traumatic accident where the woman’s had heart stopped twice.
Suddenly Jamie’s tension increased. Had he made her uncomfortable with his abruptness? He was only protecting himself, but he should’ve waited till she’d talked to him. If she was upset then he had to be patient and help her out. He wasn’t used to standing back. If that didn’t warn him how much he cared for her, then what would? He sat down beside her. ‘Come on, spill.’
Her back straightened, her shoulders tightened as her head came up. ‘You’ve told me Ryder and Callum must come first in anything you choose to do.’
He opened his mouth to reply.
Kayla shook her head. ‘Let me finish.’ She drew a long breath, and as her lungs let go she continued, ‘I understand, I really do. What I don’t know is where I stand with you. I’m doing two weeks on, two off, my life revolving around the times you don’t have the boys.’ Her beautiful eyes were dark and serious. ‘Am I being used?’
‘No.’ His heart banged hard. ‘No,’ he said, more quietly. ‘Not at all.’ He reached for her hand, trying to ignore the pounding under his ribs. She couldn’t believe that. She mustn’t.
She pulled away. ‘You’re sure? Because from where I’m sitting it looks like it. I can visit for a meal sometimes but don’t get invited to sports days or to have a burger in town. Tonight’s the first time you’ve even kissed me in front of the boys.’
What to say? She was right. He’d been deliberately keeping both sides of his life pretty much apart. Did he want to continue like that? Or was he ready to step up and meld it all together? ‘I haven’t been using you, Kayla. I admit to being cautious about getting too involved. Not only because of my kids but I’m afraid of being hurt again.’
‘You think I’m not?’ Those beautiful eyes locked onto his. ‘I’m willing, ready, to take a chance with you, Jamie. I care for you, a lot.’
His heart expanded as love stole under his ribs.
‘But if you don’t feel the same about me then say so and I can get on with my life,’ she added.
The warmth evaporated. She’d laid her feelings out for him to see, to decide what he wanted to do. He wanted her, all the time, in every way. Time to man up. Be honest. Lay his heart on the line. He opened his mouth, closed it again. This wasn’t easy. It should be. Kayla wasn’t going to make it any harder for him than he already did for himself. He adored her. He adored his boys. Everyone had to be certain and feel safe. He had to try. But he had a feeling that trying wouldn’t be enough. He had to commit or say goodbye.
‘I see.’ Kayla began to stand up.
Jumping to his feet, he took her hands in his. ‘No, you don’t. I want you in my life.’ Hell, he hadn’t said that to anyone since Leanne and it hurt because reality had shown him how wrong it could all go. This was like having a tooth pulled. He wanted Kayla to know how much he adored her, but saying it out loud? Hard to do. He squeezed her hands. Pulled her closer.
She tensed, leaned back. ‘How much, Jamie? Fortnightly or all the time?’
There was no getting away with half-measures when Kayla was involved. Which was how it would’ve been with him too if not for his failed marriage. Did he want Kayla to walk away, never to come back? No. So was he ready to do this? He smiled, feeling good. She did that to him when she wasn’t winding him up. ‘How about all the time? See each other regularly every week and weekend and whenever?’
Her body sagged like all the air had evaporated out of her. ‘Seriously?’ A smile was finally starting, growing bigger by the second. ‘Truly?’
‘Yes, absolutely. We’ll give it a go, see how everything works out.’
A flicker of doubt crossed her face. ‘See how it works out? A trial run?’
‘Sorry, that was blunt, but it’s what I mean, yes.’ Dropping her hands, he leaned back against the upright holding the roof above them. He had some say in what went on, and this was one time he wasn’t backing down. He had to be certain their relationship would work well for the four of them before he committed one hundred percent. She must understand that. ‘Makes sense to me. I’m not going through what I went through with Leanne ever again.’
‘I am not Leanne. I’m Kayla.’
He held his breath. There was more to come. He saw it in her eyes, in the tightening of her body.
‘I cannot “give it a go”.’ Her fingers flicked in the air between them to emphasis her words. ‘For me it has to be all or nothing. Love’s the whole deal, no part shares.’
‘What if it turns out you can’t handle being a stepmum or I don’t like the way you care for Ryder and Callum?’ His heart was breaking already.
‘Then we’ll work it out, talk about it. But it isn’t all about them, Jamie. We’re about us too. Our lives matter, our feelings for each other count more than anything otherwise we haven’t got a chance. But a trial run? No thanks.’
The self-protective instincts began rising. ‘You’re not worried that your feelings of loss over Dylan won’t taint our relationship? You won’t be fearing you might hurt one of us if we get it wrong?’ His fighting cap was firmly in place now. He wasn’t giving up the idea of having Kayla in his life on a more permanent basis. But neither was he committing to for ever just yet.
‘Of course the thought of anyone getting hurt worries me, but that’s the nature of relationships. We all take risks. When I fell in love last time I never considered anything going wrong. Then life dealt a hideous blow, and I’ve carried the pain for a long time. Since I met you it’s been ebbing away, leaving me happy and ready to start again. There are no guarantees, but I refuse to try out a relationship like taking home a dress to see if it is right for the occasion I have in mind.’ Kayla leaned against the opposite post and regarded him. ‘Jamie, I have fallen for you.’
Clang. That was his heart hitting his ribs. Kayla loved him? Was that what she was saying? Had he found what deep down he’d hoped would be his again one day? Bang, bang, went his heart. Yes, this could work out. It had to. He wanted this more than anything. Kayla was so special, he adored her with all his being. ‘I care a lot for you too.’ The L word was huge and stuck deep inside, not easily said, but he’d got close. ‘I’m just asking for time. Time we can share as a couple and a family with the boys, taking it slowly.’
She nodded.
‘Obviously there are a lot of things to talk through, such as which house to live in, though I’d prefer to stay in mine as the boys are settled.’ Again he came back to his kids and what was right for them, ignoring what Kayla might like. Was he using the boys as an excuse because he was scared to commit? Was he really ready for a full-on relationship? Or did he want to continue living alone with no adult to discuss the day-to-day hassles with, to share a meal with, have fun with after all? The everyday things that couples shared and were more difficult when faced alone?
‘Jamie?’ Kayla was watching him with an intensity that warmed and worried him. ‘You’re not ready, are you?’
‘Come on. I said we should give it a go and see if we are meant to be a couple. How more ready than that can I be?’
Her hair brushed her shoulders when she shook her head. ‘I love you, Jamie, and for that I’d do anything to be with you. But I want the whole deal. Eventually marriage, maybe our own children—if possible.’ Her voice wavered. Then she lifted her head higher. ‘Definitely commitment. Not a “let’s see how we go” approach, but a full-on, jumping-in, let’s-do-it commitment. If you can’t do that then it’s best we call it quits now.’
The warmth chilled. Bumps rose on his skin, his heart was quiet and his mouth dry. He had no answer. He couldn’t say, move in an
d marry me. It was far too soon. What if they argued all the time, or fell out over the kids, or she decided his job was too dangerous and asked him to quit, as Leanne had done? But she had mentioned more kids while knowing what his work involved. It was easy to feel they were good together when the pressures of everyday life weren’t getting in the way. But he also knew how wrong even the best love could go, so he wasn’t leaping in boots and all. ‘I need more time.’
‘I’m sorry, Jamie. I hoped we might’ve been on the same page, but guess I was wrong.’ Stepping close, she stretched up and kissed him lightly on the mouth. ‘Take care. I’ll see you around.’ Tears streaked her cheeks as she left, striding down the steps and along the path to the front of the house where her car was parked.
‘Goodbye, Kayla,’ he whispered around the lump blocking his throat. She loved him. No one had loved him for a long time. He wanted her back. Now. To share whatever life decided to throw at them. But his feet were stuck to the deck, unable to move. If he chased after her, he couldn’t guarantee he’d give her what she wanted. And he wanted to be able to do that more than anything. If he weren’t so scared.
CHAPTER TEN
‘MAISIE, WHERE ARE YOU?’ Kayla stared through the windscreen at the crowds wandering through town. Couples walked hand in hand as they chatted and laughed, twisting her heart. Why hadn’t she gone straight home from Jamie’s? Because it was too damned lonely in her house, that’s why.
‘I’m heading home. Hang on. I’m pulling over,’ Maisie said. ‘Okay, what’s up? You sound terrible.’
Nothing to what she felt. ‘I just broke up with Jamie.’ Was it a break-up when they hadn’t really admitted to a relationship in the first place?
‘Where are you?’
‘In town.’ She named the street she was parked on.
‘Don’t move. I’m coming in and we’ll go for a drink. You can tell me everything.’
That’s what good friends were all about. Kayla sighed and blew her nose. Damned tears wouldn’t stop. She loved Jamie. And he didn’t want her.
