by Sue MacKay
* * *
‘That’s not true,’ Maisie said when Kayla told her everything as they sat in the bar with glasses of wine between them. ‘You said he wanted to give it a go, that he cared about you. Sounds to me like he wants you.’
‘You’re saying I should go along with a trial run?’ Kayla stared at her friend. They were always honest with each other, sometimes too much, but tonight she’d have been happy with a hug and some agreement over taking a stand. ‘That’s not me, and you know it.’
‘Hey, I’m merely pointing out Jamie obviously cares for you.’
‘But not enough. I want to be a part of his life all the time but he doesn’t seem to understand I’m serious and not intending to cause any problems, but apparently he’s not a hundred percent certain we can make a go of a relationship.’ Sipping her wine, Kayla remembered something else. ‘I mentioned I’d like marriage and maybe kids one day. He never picked up on those.’ She’d love kids of her own, and to have Jamie’s would be amazing—if she could get pregnant and not miscarry.
Despite the grief Ryder and Callum had been through, it had never seriously crossed her mind that he mightn’t want any more. Maybe it shouldn’t surprise her, yet it did. He was a wonderful dad, and had a huge heart. Big enough for more children and her? She’d believed so enough to be prepared to take a chance on the hurt if she failed to become pregnant and see it through to holding their baby in her arms.
‘It’s not necessarily over. You’ve probably blindsided Jamie as much as he has you. Give him time to think everything through. He might come crawling up your drive to offer all you want and more.’ Maisie looked sad, not hopeful, which didn’t help. ‘In the meantime, we’ll get busy with shopping trips, and try to prise Mallory away from Josue’s hip for a girls’ weekend somewhere.’
‘Something to distract me is definitely needed right now.’ Or she’d go back to being a workaholic, filling in every hour to avoid thinking too much about what might’ve been. Maisie could say what she liked, but Jamie wouldn’t come begging or try to put his case forward more forcefully. He was a man who made up his mind and stuck to it. So why couldn’t he do that with them? Accept her love and let her into his heart? ‘I need another wine.’ She stood up. ‘You?’
Maisie shook her head. ‘Driving. We’ll leave your car in town.’
Sinking back onto her stool, Kayla muttered, ‘I’m being selfish. I’ll drive home for the next wine. You want to join me? There’s always a spare bed.’ Two, in fact, since she had a three-bedroomed house all to herself. She’d invited Maisie to board with her when she returned to Queenstown, but Maisie was firmly ensconced in her brother’s house. Damn it.
Feeling sorry for yourself?
Definitely. But she’d had her heart broken before, and this time didn’t intend to fall into the doldrums quite so deeply.
‘You really love him, don’t you?’ Maisie asked.
‘It sneaked up on me. We’ve always had a connection, but it took a while to realise what I feel is love.’ Silly, silly girl. She’d known there was every possibility of getting hurt and she’d taken the risk. ‘When am I going to learn?’ Long, lonely days loomed ahead. She could almost wish there was a search and rescue happening every day. Almost. But not even her hurting heart could really wish that on someone. At least Maisie was back in town, and Mallory did occasionally spend a day with them.
‘Do we ever?’ Maisie drained her glass. ‘Come on.’
‘Might as well.’
‘Now you’re being glum.’
Kayla followed, agreeing but unable to lift her spirits. ‘Maybe I was too tough on Jamie. My way or no way.’
One well shaped black eyebrow rose as her friend nodded. ‘There is that.’
‘I was like that with Dylan sometimes.’ He’d always taken it on the chin, sometimes giving in, sometimes not. A point in his favour. She’d never want a man to kowtow to her every wish. Today being an exception. Jamie in her life would be perfect. Couldn’t he see how much she loved him and would do whatever it took to make it work for them? Except come second to all else. Was she wrong to be so adamant about what she wanted? Should she have given Jamie a chance? ‘What have I done?’
‘Stood up for yourself. Give yourself a break. I bet Jamie’s going over everything too. Who knows what he might decide?’
I sure don’t.
Kayla checked her phone. No messages. Not even a call-out from Search and Rescue to take her mind off everything.
* * *
The following four days off duty were long and slow. Her house had never been as clean and tidy as it was when she finally went back to work, and that was saying something. The windows gleamed, the oven looked as good as the day it had been installed. The lawns had been cut to within an inch of their lives, and not a weed showed in the gardens.
She rang Jamie once, only to be told he was on his way to a fire at Arrowtown and he’d call her later. He never did.
That told her where she stood. She didn’t want to believe it. Pain flared harder than ever. She loved Jamie. They got on so well that none of this made sense. He’d said he wanted to spend more time with her, so why suddenly not talk to her? Was he struggling to deal with her determination to be together? She thought her call showed that the door was still open. But had he decided they were finished? Better to stop before they got in too deep and couldn’t extricate themselves without hurting each other and the boys? Too late for her. She was aching head to toe with the love he’d pushed away.
* * *
On the second Saturday after their bust-up Kayla made up her mind to be proactive. Ryder was playing rugby at his school, so she’d go to the game. She missed the little guys almost as much as their dad. What if she had agreed to give it a try? They’d be sharing nights, having laughs and learning more about each other. But it would always be hanging in the back of her mind, what if Jamie decides to back off? Love was about commitment. Commitment got couples through the bad days, the hard decisions, the difficult moments. If they knew they could walk away from their relationship at any time, the chances of success were weakened.
When she’d fallen in love with Dylan there’d been no doubt about getting together. Neither of them could wait to share their lives. That’s how it should be. But there hadn’t been anyone else at risk. This time there was. Jamie always put Ryder and Callum first. She couldn’t expect any different if he loved her. He hadn’t mentioned love, though. Caring. Yes. A man of few words, it might take a bomb for him to utter the L word. He’d acted as though he loved her. Or had she been reading too much into his actions, his tenderness, his caring? Quite possibly, because she wanted it so badly.
Love had been missing for a long time. Her doubts of ever finding it again had overridden everything to the point she’d felt lonely, so when she’d admitted she loved Jamie she’d expected the same in return. No hesitation, no worries, just acceptance.
She groaned. What an idiot. She’d been unfair. But he hadn’t fought for her, hadn’t said, ‘Let’s talk some more.’ No, and neither had she. For someone who always fought for what she believed in she’d been hopelessly inadequate over her relationship with Jamie. What a shambles.
Parents lined the rugby field where two teams of young boys were running around, chasing the ball, with little idea of what they were supposed to do, Ryder in the midst of it all, a cheeky grin showing how much fun he was having.
Kayla watched for a while, happy to see him again. He was a character, pushed life to the full, and hated losing. A small version of his dad.
‘Hi, Kayla. Why are you here?’
She looked down into Callum’s upturned face and felt a knock in her chest. ‘I thought I’d come and see how you guys are getting on.’
‘Thought you didn’t want us anymore.’ He scowled.
Gulp. Is that what Jamie has told them? Please, not that.
‘Of course
I do. I miss you.’
‘Might be best if you didn’t say things like that,’ came the deep voice she’d missed so much.
She spun around and stared at Jamie, her heart pounding hard. ‘You don’t like me being honest?’
‘I don’t want their hopes raised, then dashed.’ Jamie stood tall and proud, but there were shadows in his eyes, like he hadn’t slept much.
The intervening days since she’d walked away from him had made everything more difficult to understand. This need to defend herself wasn’t how caring relationships worked. But, then, she wasn’t in one, was she? ‘You didn’t return my call.’ Where was the determination to see this family and hopefully clear the air a little that had brought her to the school field? Since when had she become so gutless? ‘I remembered Ryder saying he had a game every Saturday morning, starting this week, so I thought I’d pop along and say hello.’
‘I see.’ But he didn’t. It was obvious in the tightness of his face, the unrelenting straightness of his back, how his hands were jammed into the pockets of his jeans.
‘I’m not using him as an excuse to see you. I miss you all, okay?’
‘Dad, did you see that? Ryder got a try.’ Callum was jumping up and down in front of them.
Jamie’s head flipped sideways as he scanned the field for Ryder, whose teammates were leaping around and yelling happily. ‘I missed it,’ he growled.
‘Dad!’ Ryder was charging across towards his father. ‘I got a try. I got a try.’
‘Cool. Go, you. That’s great.’ Jamie high-fived his son. ‘You rock, son.’
The whistle went, getting all the players’ attention, and Ryder bounced back to join his team.
‘First try ever.’ Jamie watched him with love spilling out of his eyes.
‘And you didn’t see it.’ Regret hovered between Kayla and Jamie. Because of her, Jamie had been distracted. ‘I’m sorry.’ It wasn’t enough, but what else could she say? ‘I really am.’ She turned to walk away, go home and clean out the freezer or some such exciting activity.
A strong hand gripped her shoulder. ‘Don’t go, Kayla.’
Callum stood at his side, his worry staring up at them.
Hesitating, she waited. When Jamie said nothing more she turned to study the face she adored. She loved this man. She’d do anything to be with him. Anything except let him procrastinate over their relationship. ‘I’ll stay and watch the rest of the game because I told Callum that’s why I’m here.’
‘Good.’
She had no idea what was good. The fact she was staying for the game, or that she’d walk away at the end of it. He wasn’t explaining ‘Good’ and she wasn’t asking. Standing beside him, arms and hips not touching, she watched the kids running around, trying to get the ball off each other and often not knowing what to do when they did. A bit like her at the moment. ‘How’s your week been?’
* * *
Bloody lonely. Sleepless. Full of despair. ‘Busy with the boys and work.’ Normal, except it couldn’t have been further from how Jamie’s life had become since letting Kayla in. The feeling of having found something so special he was afraid to break it reared up in his face to prove that’s exactly what he’d done. He’d torn apart what they’d had going between them. All because of the fear of facing being hurt again. What was he? A man or a puppy? An idiot or a careful parent? Using his sons to protect himself rather than the other way around?
Kayla said nothing. Though she appeared focused on the game, he didn’t believe Ryder was getting all her attention. Tension held her hands hard against her thighs.
‘We’ve got an S and R training day next weekend on Mount Aspiring. You coming?’ They were bringing in a guy from Mount Cook to take the teams out for a day on the lower slopes.
Her head dipped abruptly. ‘I’m planning on it.’
‘The ten-day forecast isn’t looking great. Heavy rain’s expected.’ Jamie sighed. Who gave a toss? What he really wanted to talk about was them, and ask how she was getting on, and if she missed him. ‘What are you doing after the game?’ Hold on. Why ask? Because he couldn’t help himself. He’d missed Kayla so much nothing felt right any more.
‘Might visit Mallory since Josue’s working.’ Her voice lacked enthusiasm, which was unusual when it came to her friends.
He ached to pull her into his arms, hold her close and tight, kiss the top of her head and beg her to give him another chance. Ready to go all out, then?
‘Run faster, Ryder.’ Callum was jumping up and down.
Jamie looked over the field and saw Ryder racing towards the goal line with all the other boys chasing him, including those in his team. ‘Go, Ryder, go.’
Ryder looked around as though he’d heard him, and tripped, sprawled across the grass, letting the ball fly out of his grasp.
Wanting to rush across and make sure he hadn’t hurt himself, Jamie held back, holding his breath. The kid wouldn’t thank him for turning up like a crazed parent.
Kayla’s shoulder nudged his arm gently. ‘He’s fine. Look how he’s getting up and giving his friends cheek at the same time. He’s tough.’
Warmth seeped in, pushing away the chill that had been settling over his heart. Kayla understood him so well. How could he not live his life with her? Not dive in and take all the knocks on his chin? Because for every wonderful moment there’d be plenty more knocks. His arm slipped around her shoulders, tucking her closer. ‘I know.’
* * *
Kayla smiled. The moment Jamie put his arm around her all the sadness and loneliness fell away. She’d come home. They belonged together. No doubt. But where did that leave her? In limbo? Because nothing had changed. There was a conversation that needed to be had or she’d have to walk away again.
‘Are you and the boys doing anything this afternoon?’ Her heart was banging, her hands clenching, opening, clenching.
‘We’re heading over to Leanne’s. Her mother’s visiting and I always got on well with her. Still do. And I want to catch up.’
So why did he ask what I was up to?
‘That’s got to be good for everyone.’ Kayla straightened away from Jamie and stared out over the field, not seeing anything except her hopes disappearing.
‘The boys are staying on. It’s Leanne’s turn to have them.’
Meaning?
‘We could have coffee when I get back.’
Shoving her hands in her pockets, she turned to look directly at him. ‘We could. But why do I get the feeling you’re not sure you want to?’
‘I’ve missed you. I know I’ve made a mistake, but...’
‘But?’
‘Dad, the game’s finished. We’ve got to go.’ Ryder was running towards them. ‘I want to see Grandma.’
Jamie flinched.
When he opened his mouth, Kayla nearly put her hands over her ears. Excuses weren’t going to make her happy. He’d made his choice and it didn’t include her. He couldn’t integrate his family with her. Shaking her head, she turned and walked away. Again. Only this time she would not be turning up to watch a rugby game or phoning Jamie. It was over. She’d been slow to grasp how far over, but now she got it in spades. That hug had undone her wariness so she’d just have to dig deeper to put it back in place.
A distraction was required. A seven-point-two earthquake might go some way towards one. Or a blizzard closing all the roads and stranding people in the hills that she could go out to rescue.
* * *
When her phone rang three hours later guilt sneaked in. Had she brought this on? ‘Zac, what’s up?’
‘Where are you? I think I just passed you on the road in Sunshine Bay.’
The speeding police car. ‘You did.’ She braked, pulled over.
‘Caff’s Road. Three-year-old girl backed over by vehicle in driveway. Can you come?’
She was already pulling ou
t. ‘On my way.’
The first person Kayla saw was Jamie. Then the little broken body on the gravel drive.
‘Excuse me.’ She pushed past people, dropped to her knees, ignoring the sharp stones digging in and reaching to feel the toddler’s pulse in her pale neck. Beat, pause, beat, beat. Weak but real. It was only the start. There was a long way to go if she was to save this child. Blood from a wound above her eyes had stuck black curls to the girl’s forehead. Her body lay sprawled at an impossible angle. ‘Ambulance?’
‘It’s been called, but there’s a hold-up due to an accident in town,’ Zac informed her. ‘That’s why I called you.’
‘She’s breathing,’ Jamie said. ‘Barely, but she is.’
Kayla nodded. ‘There’s a thready pulse. You keep watching her chest movement.’
‘No one’s moved her,’ Zac told her. ‘Her name’s Sian.’
‘Sian, I’m Kayla, I’m going to help you, okay?’ Of course she wouldn’t be heard but it was how Kayla did things and she wasn’t changing that just because this kid was so badly injured she was unconscious and unlikely to be otherwise for a long while.
A woman was screaming at someone in the driveway. The mother? The driver of the vehicle that had hit the child? Kayla shuddered, shut the noise out.
‘Zac, can you put the hospital on standby and tell them this is a stat one emergency?’ Then Kayla focused on what she could do, not what wasn’t available. Blood was pooling below the child’s groin area and underneath, spreading across the concrete. ‘A torn artery. She’ll bleed out if we don’t stop this. I need a towel or clothing. Now.’
Jamie had his shirt off before she’d finished and was folding it into a wad. ‘Here.’
Pressing the wad in place, Kayla looked at Jamie. ‘Hold it down hard. Don’t worry about hurting her. We’ve got to slow that bleeding.’
‘Onto it.’ He took over while she checked the little girl’s chest.
