by Harlow James
When we settle into my truck and I head for my place, Sydney finally breaks the silence.
“Okay, how bad was it?”
“How bad was what?”
I hear her sigh in annoyance beside me as we cruise closer to my side of town. “Don’t play stupid with me, Javi. What did my dad say to you?”
“What makes you think he said something?”
She turns slightly in her seat, facing me in my peripheral vision. “Because you came from his study more tense than when we arrived. And you haven’t said a word since we left.” She huffs out a harsh breath and then turns back to face the windshield. “I knew we never should have gone over there.”
“Don’t worry about it. It needed to happen.”
“Is that what you think?”
I nod, avoiding her eyes so she won’t see the doubt swimming in mine. All I keep hearing in my mind is George Matthews telling me that it’s not his daughter’s job to repair me, that she’ll realize I’m not good enough for her and never will be. He didn’t even have to say those words exactly, but I knew what he meant, what he was implying.
The one obstacle in our relationship I was dreading to face ended up being as bad as I thought it would be. Every moment of bliss we’ve experienced in the last two months seems all for nothing after one conversation with her father. No matter what I do, he will never accept me, or us as a couple. And even though Sydney says she can handle it, she shouldn’t have to choose between her family and me. I would never ask her to do that, and I never want her to resent me for a broken relationship with her parents down the road. I barely live with the guilt I harbor inside as it is—I don’t need any more.
By the time we reach my driveway, I can feel Sydney stewing beside me.
“So are we going to talk about what happened tonight? Or are you just going to blow me off?” She slams her purse on the counter once we go inside my place.
Running my hand through my hair, I debate how to say what I need to say. Her aqua eyes glare at me, casting irritation in my direction, even though in a moment she’s probably going to be spewing hatred instead.
“I don’t know what you want me to say? I think you probably know what your father said to me.”
“No, I don’t because you won’t tell me.”
“Well, in a nutshell, he basically told me I’m not good enough for you and never will be.”
“You don’t believe him, do you?” Her face conforms with worry and my heart bleeds a little at the sight.
“It’s hard not to.”
She brings her palms to her face and lets her head fall into her hands. “God, I knew I never should have agreed to taking you over there.”
“So, what? You were going to keep me from him forever because you were afraid that his words would get to me?”
“Can you blame me?” she shouts, throwing her hands out wide. “You’re clearly freaking out from what he said. This reaction from you was exactly what I was afraid of.”
“I’m not freaking out. I’m accepting what I’ve always known deep down. I’ll never be what you need, Sydney. What you deserve. It’s better that we realize this now.”
Her bottom lips trembles. “Is that what you think?”
“I’m pretty sure your father made that perfectly clear earlier.”
“What about what I want, Javi? Doesn’t that count for anything?”
I shake my head. “I can’t give you what you want, Sydney. This was a mistake. We never should have crossed that line.” I turn my back to her as I step further into the living room, but then twist around to see her moving toward me.
She stares at me with moisture building in her eyes, swaying her head back in forth, a pure look of disappointment crossing her features. “You’re a coward, Javier Montes. And stupid me wanted to believe that you were capable of more.”
“I told you I couldn’t give that to you.”
“Yeah, you did. But now, I think it’s just an excuse. Because I know you’re capable of it. You’ve shown me that for the past two months.”
“This is all I have to offer you, Sydney,” I say with my arms outstretched, gesturing to the guest house I’m living in on my sister’s property. “I don’t have money and lavish things. I work two jobs just to keep myself comfortable. I spent years in a prison cell for letting my anger get the best of me. I’m not what you need!”
“I don’t want you for your money, Javi! I don’t need a man for that, haven’t you been listening? You make me feel safe, cared for, cherished. You showed me how powerful sex can be with the right person. You made me feel alive when I’ve been living in a shell of a body, fighting to break free for years. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s what you gave me.”
I shake my head. “I’m not good enough for you. How do you think it looks to people for a lawyer to be dating an ex-con?”
“I don’t give a shit about what people think anymore! That’s the entire point! I don’t care about them. All I care about is you.”
“I know what you need, and I’m not it. I can’t fucking give you everything you deserve, not with my mistake living and breathing in black ink on paper.”
“What you did? Protecting your sister like that? That’s not a mistake. That’s the most fierce form of loyalty I’ve ever heard from someone in my life.”
“But that’s just it! I didn’t protect her! He got to her, ruined her before I had a chance to rip him to shreds. I failed her and prison was my punishment, the consequence I fucking deserved for letting her down. And the more I realize it, the more I’m accepting that I’m just going to let you down too.”
“That’s not true …”
With my arms out wide again, I cut her off. “I feel like I’m fucking drowning right now, Sydney, swimming upstream against a current that’s about to take me under and I’m not that good of a swimmer to begin with.”
With a soft shake of her head, she gives me a pointed look, but it’s the words she speaks next that gut me. “Don’t worry, Javi. I hear cowards float.”
She turns away from me and heads for the door, her hand landing on the knob as she pauses with her back still toward me. “When you realize your mistake, it might be too late. I don’t know how else I can convince you that you make me happy. I’m so flipping in love with you that you pushing me away right now feels like the worst betrayal I’ve ever felt, especially since I know you feel it too. You’re just as bad as my father for letting him win, for letting him tear us apart when I honestly believed we were stronger together. Let me know when you’ve grown the fuck up, Javi.”
And with those words, she walks out of my door, leaving me heaving with anger as I hear her car start and see her lights pull out of my driveway. I punch my couch and then fall back into the cushions, vibrating with so many emotions, it’s hard to name just one.
Fear. Disappointment. Self-loathing. Rage.
And a pain so fierce, my chest feels like I’ve been ripped open and my heart has been purged from the cavity within.
I let her walk away from me. And she told me she loves me.
And I know I have no one to blame but myself.
Chapter 30
Sydney
The sun peeks through the crack in my curtains, causing me to flinch from the light. With one eye popped open, I groan and roll over, seeking more sleep even though it’s pretty much useless. I barely fell asleep around four this morning after I left Javi’s house and came home and cried in my pillow. And as I lift my head and glance at the clock, the stroke of nine has just passed. I guess five hours is all I’m going to get right now. Perhaps there will be a nap in my future.
Unfettered regret fills my gut as I lie there and look at the ceiling. A part of me knew that taking Javier to my parents’ house for dinner was a risky move, but the other part of me knew that we couldn’t avoid my parents forever. If I wanted a chance at a real future with him, we had to cross the bridge eventually. I wouldn’t be the first girl who’s dating a man that her parents didn’
t approve of. But I also didn’t want to be the girl who let her parents influence that choice either.
Javi may have a past and has made poor choices in the past few years, but the man I know today is not a man to fear. He’s dependable, passionate, and incredibly hardworking. He cares for me in the way I need—a blend of soft and hard that makes me yearn for his touch and companionship at the end of the day. He’s a man I could see myself marrying, building a life with full of laughter and obstacles that we would face together.
But now that vision is blurry and I’m afraid it might never clear up.
I wasn’t naïve to the fact that my father was going to say something to Javi to stir up his doubts, but I thought the faith I had in him to believe in our relationship was stronger than it was apparently. I can’t blame Javier for questioning the differences in our lives, our families, and our upbringing, but I also know that a person’s past doesn’t dictate their future. And the future I wanted with him has now gone to shit after one evening with my parents.
As I roll out of bed and make my way to the bathroom, sullen and bloodshot eyes stare back at me. I cried so hard last night that I knew I’d face the repercussions today. I throw my hair up in a messy ponytail and splash water on my face, hoping that the cool liquid will help the swelling in my face go down. Once I brush my teeth, I walk to my kitchen to start a pot of coffee.
Even though the last thing I want to do is step foot back in my parents’ house, a conversation needs to happen with my father today. I want to give him a piece of mind and reprimand him for ruining the relationship I’ve built with Javi for the past four months, even if it started as sex.
After I sink into my couch and sip my coffee in peace, I begrudgingly dress in cotton shorts and a tank top and hop in my car, headed for my parents’ house. On Sundays they usually have breakfast at the country club, so I made sure to wait until I knew they’d be home.
I don’t even bother knocking on the giant wooden door when I arrive because at this point they don’t deserve that courtesy. I set my purse on the table by the door and then stomp through the house, searching frantically for my father. As my intuition would have it, I find him in his study, staring down at his computer, checking his emails. This is normal behavior for him on a Sunday. And now that football is back, he’ll be turning on the television in the main living room in no time.
I slam his door shut behind me, alerting him to my presence as he visibly jumps in his chair.
“Sydney!”
“How could you?” I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but as soon as I saw him, I lost all control of my emotions.
He stares at me with concern in his eyes, even though I know he’s probably celebrating his victory inside. “How could I what?”
“How could you say those things to Javi? You promised you weren’t going to be an ass, and you went ahead and acted like one anyway!”
“Lower your voice, young lady,” he warns, growing tense in his chair.
“No!” I shout, making my anger known. “I am twenty-eight years old, damn it! I am a grown ass woman! And I have the right to live my life the way I see fit! And last night you cast a stone that detonated the first glimpse of true happiness I’ve felt with another person! Don’t you understand that you’re pushing me away? I haven’t seen you in over a month because I was so furious with how you’ve been acting!”
He stands harshly from his chair, towering over me from across the room. “Forgive me for wanting what’s best for my daughter. But since you think you know everything, tell me this. You want to be with an ex-con? A man who went to jail for aggravated assault? How am I supposed to feel safe knowing you’re alone with a man like that who could snap at any moment?”
My head shakes rapidly back and forth. “You don’t know the entire story, Dad!”
“I know that a man who can use his fists to almost kill someone is not the man I feel comfortable being around my daughter. Am I just supposed to sit around and wait for himself to unleash his fury on you next?”
“He would never do that!”
“You don’t know that, Sydney. People that have a penchant for violence can’t always control themselves. You don’t know what he’s capable of. And you haven’t known him long enough to say otherwise.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve never felt more safe than I do when I’m in his arms. He is gentle with me and makes me feel adored and treasured. He’s shown me compassion and acceptance. He supports me and makes me feel alive. When he’s holding me, nothing else matters.” I take a deep breath before another bout of anger runs through me. “Javi is a good man, the most noble and real man I’ve ever met, and you ran him off!”
“Well, if he couldn’t handle the concern of your father, then that speaks volumes about how much of a man he truly is. People don’t change, Sydney. That angry streak will always be inside of him, and I’ll be damned if I sit back and wait for him to unleash it on you.”
I stare at this man that I’ve spent my entire life trying to appease as a result of guilt, a debt I felt I owed to him for giving my mother and I a life we wouldn’t have had otherwise. But now as a I stand here and feel my identity mold into something new, I realize I sacrificed who I was to be who he wanted me to be.
“He was protecting his sister, Dad! The man he beat was her ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t some random man on the street. It wasn’t because the guy cut him off while driving or looked at him wrong. He was seeking justice for his sister.”
I see his mind shift as he stares at me, which I can only hope that he’s willing to hear more.
Trying a different approach, hoping to steer the conversation in another direction, I lower my voice now. “As a judge, a man that upholds the law and enforces punishment with the hopes of turning peoples’ lives around, how can you honestly say you don’t believe that people change?”
“I’ve seen enough people in my career that spiral down a vicious cycle and keep making the same mistakes, Sydney. I can’t deny the fact that it happens more than not. And a man like Javi …”
“What do you mean when you say that? Are you focusing on the color of his skin? Or how much money that he makes? Is it just about his record, or is it because he’s not Andrew and that’s what you wanted for me?”
I watch his throat move as he swallows hard. “It’s a little bit of all of that, Sydney. He’s not from our background. He doesn’t understand our life …”
“Dad …” I take two steps forward. “Why does any of that matter?”
He closes his eyes and drops his head down. I watch him contemplate his next words carefully before he moves his hand to point at the couches in the corner of his study. We both walk over and sit down as I wait for him to continue.
“When I first met your mom, she mesmerized me with her beauty. I had never seen a woman who moved like she did, held me captive with just her voice. And when she finally introduced me to you, I didn’t realize that a child could do the same to me. I fell in love with both of you, and vowed to provide for you for the rest of my life. You may not be biologically mine, but you are my daughter, no matter what DNA says, Sydney.”
“Dad …” Tears stream down my cheeks as he continues.
“But watching you grow up has been hard, wondering if you’d ever meet a man who would want to take care of you the way I wanted to take care of your mom. Being the man in your lives was a purpose I needed to fulfill … and I guess a part of me fears that you’ll never find someone who feels that way too.”
I reach for his hand and stroke my thumb over the top of it. “That’s the thing, Dad. I did. I have. Javier is that type of man and I do feel that way with him. He knows all about protecting those close to him. That’s why he went to prison.”
His head pops up at my admission. “What do you mean? Do you know what happened exactly?”
I take a deep breath, nod, and relay the story of how Javier ended up serving two years behind bars. By the time I’ve finished, my father’s shou
lders have relaxed and he looks pained in confusion.
“Do you understand now how I could fall in love with him?”
He tilts his head at me. “You’re in love with him?”
“I am,” I reply through enormous tears.
I’m so hopelessly in love with the man but I don’t know how to get him to see that that’s all that matters.
“But he’s convinced that we don’t belong together after what you said to him. I’ve assured him that I don’t care what others will think, but it’s hard for him to look past that. He’s always been judged by the color of his skin, the choices that he’s made, the side of town that he grew up on. I don’t know how to help him move past that.”
“I’m still bewildered that he was willing to go to jail to protect his sister …”
“I know. And believe me, his sister is extremely grateful for that. But now that record follows him around like a black cloud. He gets looks of disdain cast his way out in public, whispers follow him around wherever he goes. He’s dealt with far more grief than just sitting in a prison cell for two years, although I can’t imagine that was a vacation at all. And now you laying into him last night was like the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“Sydney. I’m sorry. I’ve only wanted what’s best for you. I guess I haven’t gone about that the right way …”
“I know that, Dad. I do. And I’ve only ever tried to live up to your expectations because I didn’t want to let you down. Seeing you be disappointed in me is like a knife to the gut. But it also kills me when you don’t trust me to make decisions about my own life. I know what I feel for Javi, and yes, I could be wrong one day down the road. But isn’t that the risk you take anytime you fall in love? People change, circumstances change … but finding someone to face it all together with and grow together with is the goal. And he is a man I could see doing all of that with.”
My father takes a deep breath and then blows it out, biting his lip in contemplation. “I’m not sure when you grew up, but somehow it happened right before my eyes. I’m sorry, Sydney, truly. I just want you to be with someone that cherishes you the way I do, that sees how truly remarkable you are. You are still that little girl in my eyes that stole my heart twenty-plus years ago. I guess I need to accept the fact that you are strong enough on your own.”
