by Harlow James
I stand up and join him on his couch, pulling him in for a hug. As his arms encircle mine, the warmth of his embrace brings on another round of tears. My relationship with this man has always been complicated, but I think that’s true of any parent and child dynamic.
There comes a point when we realize that our parents are people too, not these humans we’ve placed on a pedestal that can do no wrong and make no mistakes. On the other hand, there must also come a point where our parents realize their children have become adults and are responsible for their own decisions and happiness. Finding the balance between those two truths has proven difficult for me and my dad, but I think we’re finally getting there.
I leave my parent’s house later that afternoon, contemplating reaching out to Javi to let him know I spoke with my dad. But a part of me thinks that telling him my father has started to accept us, especially so soon after last night, might not be the best decision. I can hear Javi chastising me for trying to fix this all, when ultimately it’s him that needs to accept us and want it enough to fight for it. That little slice of pride deep within urges me to wait for him to approach me, especially after what I said to him last night.
No matter how much I love the man, he is acting like a coward. I understand his reservations, but I also know what we feel for each other, and I don’t want to navigate a relationship where I’m constantly worried he’s going to bail the second things get hard.
I’ve said what I needed to say. I’ve told him how I feel. Now the rest is up to him.
Chapter 31
Sydney
“How are you holding up?”
Ally and I are walking around her neighborhood sipping wine from our tumblers. This has become the new normal is the past few weeks.
Yes, that’s right. It’s been almost two weeks of agonizing pain wondering when my phone will ring and I’ll hear Javi’s voice on the other end, or if the doorbell sounding off will be him on my doorstep realizing he’s a stubborn ass.
Sadly, neither has happened and the more time that passes, the more I’m beginning to lose hope. My sadness alternates with anger multiple times a day, convincing me to approach him at one moment, and then just accept the circumstances in the other.
“Well, I feel like I could cry at any moment. I miss him so damn much, but my pride is telling me to keep riding this out. And yet, deep down, I wonder if he’ll ever come around. Is this really the end?” My eyes fill with moisture as we continue to walk while Ally pushes Taryn and Tanner in the double stroller.
“I’m so sorry, Sydney. I wish there were something I could say to convince you that he’ll come to his senses, but I don’t him well enough to say that. What I do know is how that man looked at you, how his entire face softened when you were near. I know how you felt about him, but you are right to stand your ground. If he’s the man you say he is, he won’t let you slip through his fingers.”
I wipe an errant tear from my cheek and then take a sip of my wine. “Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe I was stupid to think that he would ever get past the fact that our lives are so different. It’s crazy that this man I never knew all those years ago is suddenly someone I can’t imagine ever not knowing again. He gave me everything, Ally,” I mumble as the tears come on stronger. “He gave me confidence through that self-defense class. He gave me the passion I was so desperately seeking in sex. He gave me the comfort that I didn’t know existed with a man. And he gave me hope that I had found the man I am meant to be with. And now …”
Suddenly the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel interrupts my wallowing, causing Taryn to scream and Tanner to kick his legs in his seat.
“Mommy! Mommy! Can we get ice cream, please!” Taryn’s delight brings a smile to my face as I try to get myself back together.
“Yes, we can. Auntie Sydney could probably use some right now anyway.”
“Ice cream will make you feel better, Auntie!” Taryn declares as we stroll over to where Jared’s van has been stopped. Like clockwork, a few of the other moms emerge from their houses with kids in tow, eager to catch a glance at the barely legal man driving the ice cream van.
“Hey, Ally. Hey, Taryn.” Jared greets them at the window as I stay back with Tanner in the stroller.
“Hey, Jared. This is your last week, huh?”
“Yup. Back to school I go.”
“Well, we’ll miss you around here,” Ally says and then turns around to bounce her eyebrows at all of the moms. Collective giggles and groans filter into the air.
“I’ll miss all of my favorite customers.” He smiles down at Taryn. “Are we having Tweety today, little Miss?”
Taryn nods and then adds, “And we need something for my auntie to make her feel better.” She points over at me as I casually wave in Jared’s direction.
“No problem. She does look like she needs cheering up. I hear chocolate does wonders with that.” He flashes me a wink and then hands out the ice cream to Taryn as Ally pays.
Once we all have our frozen treats back in hand, we start heading back toward Ally’s house.
“You know you always have me, right?” She declares in between bites of her Big Stick.
“I know. Thank you. I just want the ache in my chest to go away.”
“Well, I’m not sure how long that’s going to last, but I heard wine helps dull it a bit.”
I chuckle and then reach for my tumbler, dragging out a long sip on a smack of my lips. “How long before it starts to kick in?”
I spend the rest of the evening hanging out with Ally and her family, relishing in the laughs her children bring me and the tiny sliver of relief from stewing on this road block with Javi.
The next day at work, Tessa comes into my office when five o’clock hits.
“I’m on my way out. Do you need anything before I go?”
I cast a small smile up at her. “No, I think I’m good.”
“Staying late again?”
I’ve been working longer hours the past few weeks since being at home just makes me depressed and lonely. Tessa hasn’t failed to notice and I told her what happened when she asked why. As Javi and I got deeper into our relationship, I was running out of my office door at five o’clock when I could. Now, I actually crave the silence when everyone else leaves.
“Yeah. Thought I might try to actually get ahead on some contract negotiations.”
“Don’t overwork yourself, Sydney. And don’t give up hope. I’m sure he’ll come to his senses.”
I hate her optimism because mine is dwindling with each passing day. But I reply with a smile again as she turns around and leaves.
I work another two hours before I finally convince myself to go home. It’s after seven and the sun is beginning to set. Just a few more hours and I can go to sleep, where Javi visits me in my dreams and makes me feel whole again.
As I drive home, I pass by Gibson Brewery. The sounds that drew me in the first time convince me to stop and have a drink. I’ve obviously been drowning my sorrows in wine, but maybe beer will help.
When I make my way inside, I see the place is hopping with people for a Thursday night. Apparently Thursday has become the new Friday.
As soon as I take a seat at the bar, I see Kelsea again walk over to greet me.
“Hey, welcome back!”
I shrug. “Hi. Yeah, I haven’t been in here in a while.”
“Well, what can I get you?”
“Uh …” My eyes bounce across the menu trying to find the sour beer I liked so much last time. “Oh, the huckleberry sour, please.”
“Just a pint?”
“Yes, please.”
“Be right back.” She walks over to fill my glass and returns in record time. “Anything else right now?”
“No, this is fine. Thanks.”
She nods and then walks away to help another customer as I take my first sip and then spin on my stool to survey the warehouse turned craft brewery tasting room.
My eyes find a couple on the other side, snuggling in close
to one another. He whispers something in her ear and her cheeks turn pink. A sting of jealousy strikes in my gut and then my eyes start to burn, threating to spill over with tears, so I turn back around so I can’t see them anymore.
Why does it seem like everyone else is in love when your heart is broken? God, this is the most agonizing feeling I’ve ever felt in my life.
As I sit there feeling sorry for myself, a sense of urgency hits me in the face. I’ve given Javi time, and I can’t wait in limbo any longer. I need to know what the future holds for us, or even if there isn’t one so I can move on with my life and stop pining over a man that I fear will never grow the balls to admit that he wants me despite all of the obstacles we face.
I down my beer and then wave goodbye to Kelsea, eager to get in my car and race across town to Javi’s house. He should be home soon from the gym. I can wait, especially if it means I’ll finally get to speak with him.
As my heels click on the gravel while I make my way to my car, I hear footsteps trailing me. With one glance over my shoulder, a dark shadow of a man comes into view and I stop in my movements as I watch him come closer. And as soon as his face comes into focus, my eyes widen and my pulse sky rockets.
“Well, hello there,” he says, and his voice coats my ears with the same slimy feeling I got that night at The Jameson.
“What are you doing here?” I clutch my purse closer to my body and finagle my keys between my fingers, recalling all of the details I learned in my self-defense class. I don’t know what this guy is capable of or his intentions in approaching me, but I will be prepared this time no matter what happens.
“Well, I saw you inside and wanted to say hello. I could never forget a face like yours.” His tongue peeks out to lick his lips and my stomach coils at the sight.
“Likewise, Jesus.” My hackles are raised, especially as I remember what this man did to Selena.
He takes a few steps closer as I start to step backwards. “Where are you headed?”
“Home,” I answer as my back hits my car.
“Want some company?” He growls as I swallow hard and try to remember what to do if he comes at me head on.
“Ha. From you? No thank you.”
He chuckles and then cages me in with his arms to my car. “Where’s Javi? Shouldn’t he be taking you home?” The mention of Javi brings back so many emotions while I contemplate what to do next.
I don’t answer him though as I wait to see what his next move is. I don’t want to strike too soon. I need to make sure I have the upper hand in this situation.
“Aw, is he not your man anymore, Sydney? Did that man forget what a fine piece of ass he had with you by his side?” He brings one of his fingers to my cheek, trailing it down my skin as I inhale sharply. “Well, I guess one man’s loss is another man’s treasure, isn’t that right?”
“Get off me,” I warn as he presses his body up against mine, letting me feel the hardness between his legs. And all it makes me want to do is throw up.
He leans in closer, lining up his lips to my ear. “No can do, baby. I saw something I want, and I have every intention of taking it.”
“Over my dead body,” I declare as I strike his face with my hand holding my keys between my fingers.
“Motherfucker!” He yells as he reaches up to his face and sees blood there. But then I turn around as fast as possible, trying to get in my car, but I’m not fast enough.
He wraps his arms around my torso, causing me to drop my purse that has my gun inside and trapping my arms against my sides. I struggle against his grip as he tightens it and pulls me back against him and away from my car.
“You little bitch. You’re going to pay for that.”
“Try and make me.”
He huffs as I try to dig my heels into the gravel, but still move from his force. “Oh, I will.”
The second he stops moving us, my training comes back to me. With his hands around my arms, I shift my weight to the side just far enough to strike his groin by moving my hand back. And the groan he lets out gives me a rush of adrenaline to keep going.
“Fuck!”
I spin in his arms and duck underneath, kneeing him between the legs this time, making sure to hit the spot dead on, making him cry out in pain. And as he falls to the ground, I bring my leg up to kick him in the face, the crack of his nose echoing out as he yells and falls face first to the ground.
“Fucking bitch!”
I don’t wait to see if he gets up. I just run, back to my car where my purse is still lying on the ground. I nearly slip and fall on the gravel beneath my heels as I run as fast as my legs will carry me.
As I reach down to grab the handle of my purse, a hand rests on my shoulder, startling me so I stand up flinging my fists at the person.
“Woah! Hey, calm down,” the man says with his hands in the air. “I’m just trying to help. I heard screaming out here. Was that you?”
I nod, feeling tears forming now in my eyes. “Yes. I was attacked. He’s over there.” I point at the area where I left Jesus, seeing him still clutching his stomach on the ground and my body continues to tremble.
“Shit. Stay here.” The man races in that direction and pins Jesus to the rocks beneath him, holding his hands behind his back with a knee between his shoulder blades. “Call 9-1-1!” He yells over at me as I nod and dig through my purse, locating my phone. I press the buttons with shaky fingers and wait for a voice to pick up on the other side of the line.
Within five minutes, two police cruisers and an ambulance are in the parking lot of the brewery, as well as most of the patrons that were inside. I’m sitting in the ambulance being assessed by a paramedic and asked questions by a police officer when the man that held down Jesus for the cops comes back over to check on me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’m just shaken up a bit.”
“With good reason. I’m Wyatt Gibson, by the way. I own this place.” He reaches out to shake my hand and I reciprocate.
“Sydney Matthews.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “Judge Matthews’ daughter?”
I roll my eyes. “Yup, that’s me.”
“So that explains why he’s here.” My eyes shift to where his gaze trailed and sure enough my father is searching the parking lot with desperation all over his face.
“Jesus Christ!” He runs over to me once our eyes lock and pulls me into his arms. “Sydney, are you alright? My God, what happened?” I watch him survey my entire body as I huddle under the blanket the paramedic gave me.
“I’m okay. I was … I was attacked again.”
“Shit,” he mumbles. “Did you use your gun?”
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “I actually kneed him in the crotch and kicked him in the face. I’m pretty sure I broke his nose.”
He huffs out a relieved breath and then tilts his head at me. “You learned that in that self-defense class, didn’t you?”
My head bobs up and down as tears fall once more. He pulls me into his arms again and I cry, letting out every ounce of anguish running through my body while finally feeling safe after yet another traumatic evening in my life. I silently wonder how many nights of sleep I’ll lose because of this attack and debate if I have any sleeping pills left at all.
“Hey, it’s okay, honey. I’m here.”
“I was so scared, Dad,” I mumble between breaths against his chest.
“I can only imagine. But you did good, sweetie. You were able to defend yourself, just like you wanted.”
As I push away from him and wipe my face, I peer up at his eyes. “Yeah. And I wouldn’t have been able to if it weren’t for Javi.”
My admission rests between us as red and blue lights swirl in the night sky and people mill about, even though I feel like my life has come to a complete stop.
By the time I give my official statement and get cleared by the paramedics, my father follows me home and offers to stay the night in my guest room if I want him to.
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“No, it’s okay, Dad. I’ll be alright. I’m just going to take a hot bath and relax.”
“I let Byron know you won’t be in tomorrow.” He continues to click keys on his phone as he stands at the bottom of my staircase.
“I appreciate that. But I need to work. I have court tomorrow.”
“Court can wait, Sydney. Your life is more important than your job.”
I descend the stairs, staring up at him, fighting back tears again. “Thank you for being here, Dad. I love you.”
He kisses me on the top of my head while pulling me close. “I love you too, Sydney. You’ll always be my little girl.”
“I know.”
We say our goodbyes and then I head for my bathroom, filling the tub with scalding hot water, welcoming the burn against my skin since it makes me feel alive.
I could have been another victim of Jesus’s tonight if I hadn’t been prepared.
If I hadn’t taken my safety in my own hands and done something about it months ago.
If I hadn’t trusted Javier to give me the confidence I so desperately needed after the first attack on my life.
And now that he’s been arrested, perhaps he can suffer the consequences he actually deserves for what he did to Selena—and to Javi.
As I curl up under my covers and will my mind to sleep, the only thing I want more than anything after tonight is to tell the man I love that he saved me—and yet, I don’t know that he’d want to know, not when he’s been radio silent for weeks.
I reach for my phone, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard as I contemplate telling Javi what happened tonight, but my pride wins out. I don’t want him to reach out to me out of pity or obligation. If he finally comes to his senses, I want it to be on his own terms so I won’t question his intentions.
I feel defeated, beaten up and bruised even though I technically won the fight tonight. But the man I want by my side won’t step into the ring with me. And that hurts more than anything—more than the psychological damage, more than the fear that this will happen again, and more than the idea that he should be holding me tonight, making me feel safe after terror ran through me just hours ago.
