Guilty as Charged

by Harlow James

  Chapter 32

  Javier

  “Javi, slow down!” Andre bellows over the sound of me punching the bag in front of me with all the strength I can muster this morning. I ignore his cry and continue to smash my hands against the leather.

  “Javi!”

  Another hit. Another swing. Another crack of my knuckles that gives me pain to focus on other than the gaping hole in my chest.

  “Javi!” Two brawny arms shove me away from the bag as I tumble back on my feet and ultimately land on my ass.

  Struggling to stand and catch my breath, I glare at Andre standing across from me. “What the fuck, Andre?”

  “Jesus Christ, man. You’re gonna break your hand or give yourself a heart attack if you keep up that pace.”

  “Whatever. Get out of my way.”

  “No can do, Javi. You’re done. Go hit the showers.” He folds his arms across his broad chest and then widens his stance.

  “You know what? Fuck you, Andre.” I storm off, headed for the locker room and a cold shower to cool myself down. But apparently Andre wasn’t finished with our conversation.

  “No, fuck you, Javi. You’ve been an asshole to the hundredth degree since the night you had dinner with Sydney’s parents, and quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of it. And so is your sister.”

  I spin around to face him, seething with anger. “Then get the fuck away from me. No one said you had to follow me in here.”

  “I know. But you’re my best fucking friend and you need a little tough love, so I’m going to give it to you.”

  I roll my eyes as I strip off my shirt and shove it in my bag. “Let’s hear it then.”

  “I’m sorry that her dad gave you a hard time, but can you honestly say you expected anything less?”

  I don’t respond. Instead I wait for more because I know it’s coming.

  “You knew what you were walking into that night, and even if he said some harsh shit, I’m baffled how you let one evening derail your entire relationship with her. It’s been two weeks and you’ve been sulking like a fucking coward, throwing yourself your own pity party because your girlfriend’s father didn’t like you.”

  The last two weeks have been the longest in my life, and Andre is right—I have been sulking. There were stretches of time in prison where I literally felt like time was standing still—but these fourteen days without Sydney beside me have been the longest and loneliest of my life.

  I have struggled with picking up the phone to call her so many times, wondering what she was doing, if she was thinking about me every second of the day like I was her, craving just the sight of her so I knew she was alright. I ate lunch at Russo’s every day last week hoping to run into her accidentally on purpose, but she never showed. And the longer I waited to contact her, the more I didn’t know what to say.

  How do I explain why I’ve been cowering in my house at night, ashamed of letting her walk out of my door without fighting for her?

  How do I get her to see that I let my insecurities get the best of me and I regret pushing her away with every fiber of my body?

  How do I tell her that I love her so goddamn much that being without her has been the worst pain I’ve ever felt, but I know I have no one else to blame but myself for that?

  I’m past the humiliation phase, the acceptance that our relationship has many obstacles ahead but I want her more than all of those. Now I’m in the self-loathing phase where I’m so disgusted in myself that I’m searching for punishment in every way possible and apparently taking it out on others too.

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point is, if you’re this unhappy without her, then fucking fix it, because you are the one that has the power to do that. And until you pull your head out of your ass, you’re not allowed to punch a bag in my gym. The last thing I’m gonna do is watch you hurt yourself because you’re pissed off at the world.”

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to get my heart rate back down. Sinking onto the bench in front of me, I grip my hair and tug, welcoming the sting. “I don’t know how to fix it, Andre. That’s part of my frustration, man.” I peer back up at him as we lock eyes. “Do I go to her dad’s house and tell him to fuck off? Do I show up at her door and apologize when I don’t even have a good enough reason for pushing her away in the first place other than I was an idiot? Or do I ask her to meet me somewhere to talk and hope to God that she shows up? I … I don’t know what to do.”

  Andre huffs and then takes a seat next to me. “You know her better than I do, so think about what she would want. I don’t think confronting her dad is the right way to go, because if she does give you another chance, you’re going to have to figure out a way to get along with him in some way. But surprising her could backfire too. Look, it’s Saturday. Go home, relax, and try to come up with a game plan. Selena said if you cooled off and figured out your shit, she’d make you dinner tonight.” I laugh as he lifts one corner of his mouth in amusement. “Talk it out with us later and then maybe we can help. I just hate seeing you like this. I know you love her, and fuck, she made you happy, Javi. I’ve never seen you like that. The woman took you by surprise, but I think she’s exactly what you need. You have to fight for her.”

  I sit up tall and inhale deeply again. “I know, man. I fucking miss her. The look on her face when she walked out my door haunts me all day. I let her down. I don’t ever want to see that look from her again.”

  “Then fix it.” He clasps his hand on my shoulder before rising once more and walking out of the locker room.

  I decide to shower at home, so I gather my stuff and hop in my truck to make my way back to my house. The place I’ve turned into my home has felt so empty and cold without out Sydney here. I hate sleeping in my bed without her body next to me. I hate not having her hover over me at the stove while I cooked her dinner. I’m disgusted with the way that night plays over in my mind each time I’m in the living room.

  She’s right. I am a fucking coward, but I’m done. I need her. A realization hits me as I exit my shower.

  I thought I was scared to jump into a relationship with the girl who was someone I used to hate. I thought that fear was the worst once her father confirmed my deepest insecurities on the subject.

  But now I know that the scariest part of all of this is knowing that Sydney loved me two weeks ago, and might possibly have changed her mind.

  Nothing terrifies me more than to know I was so close to her, called her mine, and now she could become a stranger to me all over again.

  I change into black shorts and a white t-shirt in record time as desperation overcomes me. I need to see her, talk to her. I can’t wait anymore. I may have lost her forever and then that will be the guilt I’ll be living with for the rest of my life.

  As I search for my keys, a knock on my door catches my attention. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting any visitors, so the presence of one has me curious.

  However, nothing could have prepared me for the person standing on the other side of the door as I swung it open.

  George Matthews stands in front of me in khaki pants and a navy polo shirt. He pushes his glasses up his nose and then clears his throat as we stare at one another.

  “Javier,” he greets me as he pushes his hands into his pockets.

  “Judge Matthews,” I acknowledge him back as the hairs on my neck start to rise. What the hell is he doing here?

  “Please, call me George.” What the fuck? Okay …

  “George.”

  “Can I, uh … can I come in, please? I’m afraid we need to talk.”

  I turn to check the time on the clock, wondering how long this will take. I had every intention of racing to Sydney’s condo to beg for her forgiveness, but something tells me that George’s unexpected visit may have something to do with that.

  “Uh, sure.” I hold the door open wider so he can come inside, then shut it behind him. I’m instantly nervous as I watch him assess my living accommodations, but I fig
ht desperately to bury the anxiety. If I want this man to accept me, I have to stay true to who I am.

  “You did all of this work yourself?” He asks as his eyes move around the room.

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Sydney told me that, but to see it with my own two eyes. Wow. It’s remarkable. Nice work, Javier.”

  “Sydney spoke about that?”

  He turns to face me with a half-smile. “We’ve been talking about a lot of things lately, especially when it comes to you.”

  “I see.” Maybe he’s here to tell me she’s changed her mind about me and that I’m never to contact her again. I’ve never put my hands on a judge before, but there’s a first time for everything, I suppose.

  He takes a seat on one end of my couch as I inhabit the other, resting my arm along the back. “How can I help you, George?”

  “Well, Javier. It seems I owe you a much overdue apology.”

  My eyebrows shoot up at his words. “Okay …”

  “I’m sorry for the way I treated you a few weeks ago at my home. I know you don’t have children of your own, but I assure you when you do, you will only want to protect them as much as possible from pain and heartbreak.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “Although, it seems my actions that night inflicted a pain on my daughter that was completely my fault and I’ve been fighting to repair.”

  I look down at the ground for a moment and then flick my eyes back up to his. “You’re not the only one who hurt her that night.”

  “I know. But you wouldn’t have pushed her away if it weren’t for me. And I’m here to say I’m sorry that I misjudged you.”

  “Uh, thank you.”

  “I obviously know about your record and the time you served. But Sydney gave me quite the tongue lashing the next day and informed me of exactly why you went to prison.” Anxiety spikes in my chest as I absorb what he said. He knows about Selena and Jesus. She told him everything.

  “Okay …”

  “And I want you to know that after hearing your story, I admit that I was wrong about you. I didn’t think you were the type of man that my daughter needs—someone to protect her and care for her the way I do. But I was wrong. Your actions, although violent, were completely warranted in my opinion. And regardless of what you think, you did protect your sister by keeping her secret for her and accepting a sentence that you never should have served.”

  I swallow hard, fighting off the emotion that is bubbling up. This man who just weeks ago told me I wasn’t good enough for his daughter, is now commending me for the choices that landed me in prison. My head is spinning with this turn of events.

  “Thank you. I appreciate that. I care about your daughter more than I ever thought possible, George. She and I didn’t start off on the best of terms, but after having her in my self-defense class, I could tell that her headstrong personality was enough to reel me in. I’ve regretted pushing her away these past two weeks and I realized I can’t live without her. She’s it for me. I want a future with her because my life these past two weeks without her in it has been meaningless.”

  He clears his throat once more and then readjusts himself on the couch. “That’s actually part of the reason why I’m here.” He pauses and then says five words that make my brain synapsis pop. “Sydney was attacked Thursday night.”

  I pop up from my seat, chest heaving for oxygen.

  “By Jesus Gonzalez.”

  “Motherfucker!” Dragging my hands through my hair, I pull at the strands as I start to pace the room.

  George rises so now we’re both standing, resting a hand on my shoulder, bringing me to a stop. “Javier, calm down. She’s fine. A little shaken up, but physically okay.”

  “He touched her?” I swear to God, I’m going to kill him.

  “Yes. But she fought him off. She defended herself, Javier. She used what you taught her and saved herself.” And those words about make me keel over.

  She fought him off? She listened, she remembered everything I taught her, and she protected herself?

  “She did?”

  He nods. “Yes. And it was in that moment that I realized she may not be here right now if it weren’t for you. You saved my daughter from a world of pain, or worse, young man. And that right there tells me that you are the man she needs.”

  I can feel the moisture building in my eyes, but I’ll be damned if I shed a tear in front of him. “I need to see her.”

  He smiles knowingly and then fishes his keys out of his pocket. “I was hoping you’d say that. I came here to take you to her, Javier. She loves you and has been a shell of herself these past few weeks. I can’t bear to see her like this anymore. You two deserve to be happy. And I’m done standing in the way.”

  As we drive to Sydney’s condo, my knee bounces in my seat with this turn of events. I question George about everything that happened that night and he tells me that Jesus was arrested. Thank God. He brags about how badly his nose was broken from the kick Sydney delivered to his face, making us both laugh. By the end of the twenty minute drive, I actually feel relaxed around the man I was convinced hated me and would never let me be with his daughter.

  When we arrive at Sydney’s condo, George walks up to the door with me. He explained that he feared Sydney would push me away if I showed up alone. He wants her to know that he supports the two of us, and I expressed my gratitude. There are definitely hurdles still to jump, but having his blessing is a huge step in the right direction.

  A few minutes after George knocks on the door, Sydney opens it up wide and her eyes follow suit when she sees the two of us together.

  “Dad? Javi?”

  My God, she looks beautiful, even though I can tell she’s been crying. She has no makeup on, her hair is a mess, but she’s an angel in my eyes. How I ever thought I could live without this woman is beyond me.

  “Sydney … Javier and I just had a long talk, sweetie. I want you to know that I apologized to him for how I treated him at dinner and commended him for the honorable man he is. You have my blessing, sweetheart, even though I know you don’t need it. I love you and want you to be happy. I hope you’ll hear him out.” He steps to the side and pushes me forward a bit before blowing her a kiss and walking away.

  I stand there as her eyes shift back to me and I anxiously await a reaction from her.

  “Princess …”

  “Javi …”

  I stand there, waiting for more words, but then I reach for her out of instinct, slamming her into my chest and squeezing her in my arms

  “I’m so glad you’re fucking okay,” I grate through tears I’m fighting off. The intensity running through me as I hold her in my arms again, knowing she’s alright after what happened is causing me to break. My body trembles as I encase her in my grip.

  “I am. I’m alright,” she mumbles against my chest while returning the powerful hold on me.

  We stand there for God knows how long before I finally release her on a shaky breath and I notice her wiping tears from her eyes.

  “Can I come in so we can talk?”

  She simply nods and then steps aside so I can cross the threshold. I follow her into the living room as she turns the volume of the television down and then curls up into the corner of her couch. I take a seat next to her, but not too close, trying to feel her out in case the display of desperation outside is short lived.

  “How have you been?” she asks finally through a sniffle, breaking the silence.

  I lock eyes with her, desperately wanting to pull her into me again and inhale her entirely. “Horrible.”

  “Huh.” She sits back slightly and then wraps her arms around her knees as she brings them to her chest.

  “Huh?”

  “Well, if you’ve been horrible the past two weeks, then I guess you have no one to blame but yourself for that one, don’t you?” I didn’t think she was going to make this easy on me, but she’s hammering it in right out of the gate.

  “You’re ab
solutely right. It is my fault that I’ve felt like the sludge that builds at the bottom of a trashcan.”

  “That’s quite the picture you painted there,” she says on a slight tip of her lips.

  “It’s true. I’ve missed you and I’ve been a fool. I was on my way over here earlier when your father showed up on my doorstep.”

  That bit of information makes her perk up. “He went to your house?”

  “Yes. He apologized for the way he behaved during dinner and relayed to me that you told him why I went to prison.”

  She nods in confirmation. “I did. I didn’t think it was fair that he was judging you for something that he didn’t know the whole story of. And I wanted to reiterate to him that despite your past, you are the man that I want in my life.”

  I reach out to tuck a strand of unruly hair behind her ear, stroking her cheek with my thumb. “God, I’m an idiot,” I whisper as her eyes soften and search mine for clarity.

  “Yes, you are.”

  “I’m so fucking sorry, Princess. I’m sorry that I let my own doubts and fears tear us apart. I’m sorry I was a coward and couldn’t get to this point sooner. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me to be.”

  She sighs and then reaches to hold my hand. “My father had a part as well, but here’s the thing, Javi. I’m scared that every time this happens, because it will happen again, that you’re going to run. My feelings for you never wavered. In fact, they only grew. I accepted all of you knowing that people would have opinions about the two of us together, especially if they know about your past. But I can’t be in a relationship where I’m constantly wondering if someone or something is going to make you run away and abandon me. I can’t live like that.”

  I bob my head, hearing her loud and clear. Her concerns are one-hundred percent valid. “I agree. And all I can do is promise you that it won’t happen again. This time apart has shown me that I can’t live without you. Now that I know you and you’ve been a part of my life, I don’t want to live without your soul intertwined with mine.”