Believing Bailey

by Linda Kage

  I paused in the doorway and looked back at her. Indecision crossed her face. She wanted to say something. When her mouth opened, my pulse stalled, waiting anxiously for her words, hoping she’d say something about the kiss. About…any of it. About us.

  But then her shoulders fell, like maybe she’d chickened out, and she ended up asking, “Are you sure you’re okay with this? You staying here while I…?” She didn’t finish the sentence, but she didn’t have to.

  I shook my head, ignoring the disappointment in me. “There’s not really any other option, is there?”

  “No, but I…I didn’t really give you an opportunity to say yes or no. I just kind of made the decision for you.”

  “Because it was the right decision.” I stepped closer to her and lowered my voice. “In a perfect world, yes, being separated from you is the last choice I’d make.” My admission made her lips part with a silent gasp, so I kept talking before she could respond. “But our world is fucked up, and this is what’s best for you. You’d be crucified if everyone found out you’d been harboring me. And besides, I need to learn how to be independent again.” I had to stop relying on her. “This is what we both need.”

  Except I needed her more, I think.

  I was just too afraid to admit it. It was easier to let her go than admit anything.

  “So, let’s get you on the road before it turns dark,” I added, tipping my head toward the hallway as I stepped out of the room, encouraging her to follow me and pretty much forcing the conversation to end there, because I was also too afraid to hear what she might say in return.

  I heard her sigh after me before her footsteps entered the hall and began to follow me.

  Her dad met us at the front door and walked us out to her car, where I realized the rest of our farewell wouldn’t be private. I had wasted the last moment I’d had with her alone, avoiding what I really wanted to say because I’d been too afraid to speak up.

  And now…now her dad was asking her if she needed any money for gas or food as I opened her back door and set the single bag into her back seat.

  “I’m good,” Bailey answered, glancing at me as I rejoined them. But as soon as we made eye contact, she whirled back to her dad.

  “Don’t work him too hard until he’s completely healed, okay? He won’t admit it, but I’m fairly certain he has some cracked ribs.” She glanced worriedly at me as if she might be reconsidering leaving me. But then she whirled back to her dad. “Sometimes he gets these mini panic attacks. They’re not bad; someone just needs to remind him to breathe and coach him through them—”

  “Don’t worry, Bailey,” Ben said, holding up a hand to stop her from worrying further. “I’ll take good care of the kid and remember to feed and water him every day.” With an indignant sniff, he muttered, “I raised you and four boys on my own, now didn’t I? I got this.”

  Bailey began to nod, her shoulder relaxing. “I know. You’re right, but…” Her gaze returned to me. “Oh! His truck. It’s still sitting outside my apartment. And all his things…”

  But her father was already nodding as if he’d thought of that. “Booth can drive him up sometime to fetch his belongings. Now, seriously, stop.” He laid a hand on her shoulder, comfortingly. “I promise, we’ll take care of your boy.”

  I don’t know why it encouraged me that she didn’t argue that I wasn’t hers, but it did. Happy she was at least worried about me and even amused by how cute her concern was, I teased, “I’m standing right here, you know. You can talk to me about all this.”

  So she turned to me as if she might do just that, but instead of rolling her eyes at my joke or punching my arm, she gulped uneasily. This was the dreaded moment, the final goodbye. Pain pierced her gaze. “Promise me you’ll get better. And I’m not just talking about the bruises and ribs. I want you better, Beck.”

  Her gray gaze bore into me, her hope and worry striking me straight in the heart.

  “I promise,” I whispered, feeling my own determination in those words so strongly I could taste them. I’d never meant anything I’d said more in my life.

  I wasn’t sure how I’d accomplish it, what hell I’d have to go through, what obstacles I’d have to overcome, but I was bound and determined to get better.

  For her.

  Unable to stop myself, I reached out and pulled her against my chest, hugging her. When her soft warmth smashed against me and she wrapped her arms around my waist in return, I buried my nose in her hair, inhaled her familiar fragrance, and squeezed my eyes closed, committing every feel, smell, and sound of her to memory before she slowly peeled herself away and smiled up at me.

  “Drive safely,” I said quietly, only to shake my head and grin as I wondered if that edict were even possible.

  As if remembering the way I’d freaked out on the way here, she smiled back, sharing the inside joke. Then she tapped my arm, saying, “I will,” and turned away to climb into her car. Her gaze met mine through the closed driver’s side window as her engine started.

  I waved before stuffing my hands into my pockets, and she waved back. Then she put the care into drive and rolled away from me. Leaving me. My heart gave a hard, yet slow painful clang in my chest as I watched the back of her car slowly disappear down the road.

  Ben shifted next to me, watching her leave as well, before he turned to me, saying, “So, you’re in love with my daughter, huh?”

  I glanced at him, not answering. Answering didn’t seem necessary, and admitting anything aloud would probably freak me out. So I just went back to watching Bailey’s car become smaller and smaller as she left me, feeling more lost than ever, because holy shit, I did love her.

  Chapter 30

  BAILEY

  Two weeks passed.

  Classes resumed. Term projects came due. Work grew busy at the store as the shopping season bloomed. And time moved on.

  Life should’ve returned to regular programing for me, too. I should’ve reverted to my usual self, annoyed and secretly jealous of my constantly necking roommates or complaining about my hardest professors to whoever would listen. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t annoyed, jealous, or disgruntled. I wasn’t much of anything really.

  I sorta just grew numb.

  Despondent.

  Frozen in time as life went on around me.

  When Paige came to me, telling me how more rumors were spreading about me—how I was a liar who helped rapists—I just shrugged it off, too discouraged by the hopelessness of my reputation to even care anymore. When Melody Fairfield showed up in the boutique where I worked and called me an ugly name before stomping out as soon she realized I was the sales clerk, I simply watched her go without a single cutting farewell remark. So untypical of me. But seriously, I couldn’t make myself care. None of it really mattered, because Beck wasn’t here and—

  “You miss him, don’t you?”

  I jerked my face up from my phone where I was rereading old texts from him.

  He had started texting the day after I returned to Granton, saying his phone bill was coming due, but my dad had advanced him some money to pay it this month so he could keep talking to me.

  We corresponded every day, but they were always mundane conversation, about how he’d met the three horses my family owned and how I had finals to study for. We didn’t discuss whether he’d had any more panic attacks without me around or how bad my name was getting smeared across campus. And we certainly didn’t mention the kiss.

  I still couldn’t believe I’d kissed him on Thanksgiving Eve. In my defense, the guy hadn’t been able to breathe. And I’d panicked. When I’d suddenly remembered this show I’d watched where the girl had kissed the boy to distract him out of a panic attack, I’d tried it on a whim, and it had worked. I know, mind blown.

  Except he’d kept kissing me back, and then touching me, before touching me. What was worse, I had kissed and touched him in return. And it’d been wonderful. So wonderful. I hadn’t known kisses could be that consuming or make a person that ravenou
s. I had wanted more, I’d wanted it all. My body had sobbed when I’d pushed him away, but I’d needed to stop it.

  We couldn’t just keep kissing. I mean, he must’ve been confused, in the wrong frame of mind, something. I’m sure he hadn’t meant it to go that far, because why would he? No one had ever wanted me that much. Not in that way. And I knew he wouldn’t feel as if he could rightly stop.

  All he’d ever talked about was how much he owed me, how he wanted to pay me back, how desperate he was to thank me properly for the way I’d helped him.

  If he’d suspected I really wanted what he’d been giving me more than anything in the world, he would’ve felt obligated to continue, whether he’d been into it or not. I couldn’t trust his intentions, so I’d shut it down.

  I had expected him to apologize afterward, but he hadn’t. It felt strange without someone saying sorry, so I had, except I’m not sure why, maybe for making him think he had to kiss me back. I don’t know. I wasn’t really that sorry, though. He’d made me feel wanted, and cherished, and desired in that kiss. He’d given me a gift I’d craved more than anything else in the world. I’d been honored and thankful. Not regretful.

  I only wished he’d felt the same heat and desperation and closeness to me that I’d felt to him when our lips had been locked and fingers had gripped and bodies had strained. But there was no way I’d know now, because I’d pushed him away, and we hadn’t discussed it again after that.

  It’d been the hardest thing I’d ever done to enter the kitchen Thanksgiving morning and act as if nothing had changed between us when I saw him sitting at the table, heartbreakingly handsome and worriedly uncertain as he looked up at me. I knew what he’d been afraid of, that I’d kick him out or get him fired before he’d even started working for my dad. But I would never do that to him. So I had pretended things were exactly the same between us so he’d know we were still friends.

  We were still friends. That was the rub. Somehow, in less than two weeks of knowing the guy, I had fallen for him. But I couldn’t let him in on that fact because he was my friend. I needed to stop being selfish and thinking only of my loneliness and secret desires, and I needed to focus on what he needed, which certainly wasn’t a girlfriend. Not during this phase of his life. He needed to rediscover himself and heal from the wreck Melody Fairfield had turned his world into.

  But then he’d confessed that he didn’t want to be separated from me right before I’d left, and it made my heart clang madly in my chest, wondering if maybe he had felt something more in our kiss, just as I had. Maybe it hadn’t been an obligation for him, after all.

  Except he’d followed the admission with practical logic of why we wouldn’t work.

  So, yeah, that was why I’d waited until I was in my car and five miles from my family’s farm before I burst into tears and cried the rest of the way home. And I hadn’t been the same since.

  “You miss Beck,” Tess repeated more quietly this time as she grounded me back to the present where we sat in class, paying no attention of the professor’s droning voice and trying our best to ignore the two girls behind us who were currently whispering about my lying-for-rapists ways.

  We were halfway through the fall semester’s dead week. I only had three finals the next week to take before winter break would begin. Last year, I’d gone home for the entire break, but this year, Vivian had given me more hours at the shop, so I wasn’t yet sure when I’d make it back home to see him again, which made the ache spread.

  I really did miss him.

  But I quietly muttered, “You’re crazy,” to my best friend anyway.

  Because it was crazy to miss him. I’d known the guy less than a month. And yes, maybe I’d invited him to sleep in my bed with me way too soon after meeting him, especially after seeing him get kinky with some other girl. And maybe I’d experienced moments of connection with him that made me feel closer to him than I ever had to anyone. And sure, maybe, I’d hugged him, and smiled at him, and been softer with him than I was with anyone else, but…

  Shit, I forgot where I was going with all this.

  Maybe I was the only crazy facet in this whole situation.

  Tess leaned closer to me, lowering her voice. “It’s okay to miss him, you know. You guys were…” She shrugged helplessly. “Close.”

  “Shh,” I hissed, frowning. “I’m trying to pay attention to the lecture.”

  “There is no lecture. He’s just reviewing everything we’ve already learned this semester.”

  Well if that was the case… “Then what the hell are we still doing here?” I slammed my book closed and pushed to my feet, gaining the attention of the rest of the class.

  Tess gaped at me. The bitches behind us stopped gossiping. The teacher paused mid-speech to focus on me.

  “Yes?” he asked.

  “I just remembered,” I told him, stuffing my textbook and notepad into my backpack before slinging it over my shoulder. “I don’t want to be here.” Then I glanced at Tess. “You coming?”

  She silently mouthed my name, her face turning as red as her hair. I only shrugged, so she hurried to collect her things and follow me.

  Of course, she didn’t want to leave with me, but it would’ve been more embarrassing for her to stay behind, so she rushed after me as I strolled out of the room, waving farewell to the professor and thanking him for a stimulating semester.

  Once we cleared the building, Tess slapped her hand to her chest, hurrying to keep pace with me. “I can’t believe you just…why the heck did you do that?”

  I answered honestly. “I’m not sure. I just couldn’t be there any longer.”

  Tess’s eyes filled with sympathy. “It’ll get better. Soon, some other hot piece of gossip will distract everyone and they’ll forget they ever called you all those evil names.”

  I only shrugged. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter.” Because it didn’t.

  “Well, something is definitely bothering you. You haven’t been right since you came back from Thanksgiving…without Beckett.”

  I glanced at her warningly. Maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to drag her along with me when I’d left class.

  “Did you two have a fight?” she pressed.

  With a snort, I shook my head. My car was across campus, but I took a slight detour toward the food court because I knew this was Jonah’s lunch hour. Tess didn’t even notice. “Of course not.”

  “So this funk you’re going through is about the fact you fell in love with him and can’t admit it to yourself, then?”

  “What?” I slammed to a halt and whirled to face her, unable to believe she’d actually said that to me.

  “I don’t…That is not…” But I couldn’t outright deny her words. Settling for, “You’re crazy,” I whirled back to the food court and hurried my pace, needing to get rid of her before she really hit a nerve.

  “You’re in love with him,” she insisted. “And you were probably so busy denying it to yourself you didn’t give him a proper farewell, so everything feels even worse and miserable now. That pang of longing inside you only grows deeper and wider every day because there was no closure in your last goodbye. You feel as if you’ve deserted the one person who’s come to mean the most to you in his biggest time of need, so you—”

  Ugh. Nerve hit, dead center, bullseye.

  “Oh, look!” I nearly cried, never so happy to see Tess’s annoying boyfriend in all my life as he sat on a bench by himself, eating a sandwich and reading something on his phone. “There’s Jonah.”

  Her attention successfully diverted, Tess snapped her face up. When she spotted him, her entire expression transformed, pleasure and excitement practically sparking from her pores.

  “Abbott!” I called loudly and waved big to make sure I had his attention.

  He lifted his face, and as soon as he spotted Tess, he pushed to his feet, starting our way.

  “Well, it looks like you should keep him company on his lunch break,” I announced, pausing so I could c
hange directions. I began to back away from my best friend. “My boss has really been needing me to work overtime a lot lately, so I’m going to head in early.” I waved my fingers in farewell. “Don’t you two have too much fun between classes.”

  Indecision warred across her face as she realized I was retreating and her boyfriend was closing in. “Bailey,” she growled from between clenched teeth. “We’re not done with this conversation until you have a freaking epiphany.”

  “Oh, I did,” I assured her, backing away even faster now. “I realized my bestie was certifiably insane.”

  She frowned. Before she could respond though, Jonah was there, sweeping her into his arms.

  I turned away, relieved, and started off. But I didn’t get far before Tess hollered after me. “You’ll have to accept the truth one of these days, Bailey Rae.”

  “But not today,” I muttered under my breath as I waved over my shoulder, letting her know I’d heard her.

  My hands were shaking and breathing was erratic by the time I reached my car. I unlocked it and climbed inside. Then I just sat there, not starting the engine and trying to pull myself back together. I’m not even sure why I was freaking out.

  I’d walked out in the middle of class—a first ever for me.

  I’d probably pissed off my best friend and would never hear the end of it when she caught up with me again.

  But neither of those felt like the source of my panic.

  I slid my phone from my backpack and opened up my texts to Beck. We’d last talked this morning about my dad’s mare they were talking about breeding.

  Yeah, we’d talked about horse sex, and it’d felt like the most real conversation I’d had all day. I ran my thumb over the screen, touching his words.

  Needing to talk to him now, I typed.

  “My roommate is crazy,” I wrote before pushing Send.

  He read my message almost immediately, making my chest expand with this indescribable joy, because he always made time to reply to me as soon as I wrote to him. No matter the hour.