William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy

by Ian Doescher

  Shalt get us both in trouble. Be content,

  And trust him true. He is our master now.

  R2-D2

  Beep, beep, beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, meep, squeak, hoo.

  C-3PO

  He saith he doth belong to Obi-Wan

  Kenobi, resident of parts nearby,

  And ’tis a private message meant for him.

  For all my wit, I know not what he means,

  For our last Master Sir Antilles was.

  Alas, with all we have endur’d, this dear

  Small R2 unit quite eccentric is.

  R2-D2

  Squeak!

  LUKE

  —Obi-Wan Kenobi … I suspect

  Old Ben Kenobi he doth mean, perhaps.

  First droids, then tales of battles fought in space,

  And now a damsel cries in beams of light!

  Did ever destiny come knocking thus?

  C-3PO

  I beg thy pardon, Sir, but know’st thou aught

  Of what he speaks?

  LUKE

  —I know not any man

  Nam’d Obi-Wan Kenobi, yet old Ben

  Resides beyond the Dune Sea, and there dwells

  Much like a hermit, strange and lone.

  LEIA

  —O help

  Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help. Thou art

  Mine only hope.

  LUKE

  —I wonder who she is.

  Whoever she may be, whatever is

  Her cause, I shall unto her pleas respond.

  Not e’en were she my sister could I know

  A duty of more weight than I feel now.

  It seemeth she some dreadful trouble hath—

  Mayhap I should replay the message whole.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak, squeak! Meep, hoo, meep.

  C-3PO

  —R2 doth say

  The bolt restraining him short-circuited

  His full recording system. So saith he,

  That if thou wouldst with speed remove the bolt,

  He may the full recording then display.

  [Aside:] What purpose shall I serve unto this man?

  Am I to guide, encourage, counsel—what?

  Thus shall I play the wise interpreter,

  For truly ’tis the part I know the best.

  LUKE

  What? Aye, thou seem’st too small to run away

  If I should take this off. Good little droid,

  So cleverly thou bringest messages,

  That thou hast won my trust. Now, thou art free.

  [Exit Princess Leia from beam.

  But wait, where hath she gone? What villainy!

  How hast thou dampen’d that celestial light

  Wherein she spoke of late? Now bring her back,

  Play back the message full, thou naughty droid!

  R2-D2

  Meep, meep?

  C-3PO

  —What message, errant droid? The one

  Thou hast been playing, which thou hold’st within

  Thy rusty innards. [Aside:] O, alas! We shall

  Deactivated be!

  BERU

  [inside:] —O Luke? Pray, Luke?

  LUKE

  I shall be there anon, good aunt Beru!

  C-3PO

  I’m sorry, Sir. For it doth seem he hath

  Acquir’d a minor flutter.

  LUKE

  —Thus she comes,

  And thus she goes. Yet ever on my sight

  Her beautiful, fine countenance shall shine.

  So here’s my vow: I’ll see her once again,

  In beam, or—hope on hope!—with my own eyes.

  For now, I must depart to dine. Pray, see

  If thou canst remedy this R2, droid.

  [Exit Luke.

  R2-D2

  Hoo.

  C-3PO

  —Reconsider, thou, if thou shalt play

  The message back for him.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, meep, hoo, whee?

  C-3PO

  Nay, I do not believe he liketh thee.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak?

  C-3PO

  —Nay, thee I like not either.

  R2-D2

  —Hoo.

  [Exit C-3PO.

  Now are the pieces all arrang’d for me

  To make a daring move, and fly this place.

  The fool who sets the game in motion shall

  Appear unto C-3PO and Luke

  No more than if he were an arrant knave.

  But hear the voice of R2-D2, all:

  My noble purpose I’ll accomplish yet—

  To take to Obi-Wan the princess’ news,

  To take my Master Luke away from here,

  And, in the end, perhaps more vital still—

  To make connection twixt the two good men.

  A foolish thing this flight may seem to thee,

  And yet more fine than foolish shall it be.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 7.

  Inside the Lars homestead.

  Enter OWEN LARS, BERU LARS, and LUKE SKYWALKER, eating at a table.

  LUKE

  Mine uncle, thou shouldst know my mind. Methinks

  The R2 unit we have bought belike

  May have been stolen.

  OWEN

  —Thievery hath e’er

  Been part and parcel of the Jawas’ trade.

  But in thine utterance I sense there’s more,

  So say, young Luke, why thinkest thou thereon?

  LUKE

  Good uncle, well I know the Jawas’ tricks,

  Yet, as thou sayest, I mean something more.

  A stolen moment with those droids hath shown

  To me a reason they may stolen be:

  I did uncover a recording whilst

  I clean’d the R2 unit. He purports

  To be the property of someone known

  As Obi-Wan Kenobi. Thus, thought I,

  That he may stolen be. As to the name,

  This Obi-Wan Kenobi, wondered I

  If mayhap he meant Ben. Canst thou make sense?

  OWEN

  Nay.

  LUKE

  —Yet I wonder if this Obi-Wan

  Perchance may be some kin to yonder Ben.

  OWEN

  [aside:] Fie, fie! Shall that old man now haunt my home?

  [To Luke:] That wizard is a damnèd scurvy man.

  Tomorrow shalt thou take the R2 droid

  To Anchorhead and have its memory

  Eras’d. And so shall there an end be to’t.

  For it belongeth only now to us.

  LUKE

  Aye, yet what if this Obi-Wan appears

  And lays his claim unto this R2 droid?

  What’s stolen may be worth the looking for.

  OWEN

  The looking shall not happen, nor the find,

  For I believe the man doth not exist.

  [Aside:] Now shall I by a lie destroy the man,

  Lest he be giv’n new life in Luke’s young mind—

  The boy a keen imagination hath.

  [To Luke:] This Obi-Wan hath not for ages walk’d

  Within this universe: he is no more.

  ’Twas many moons ago the old man died,

  Aye, truly he hath met his end about

  The time so long ago when wars were fought,

  The time when men did battle to the grave,

  The time before the Empire rul’d supreme,

  The time wherein thy father died as well.

  LUKE

  Knew he my father?

  OWEN

  [aside:] —Though I tell of men

  And wars and battles brave, still all he hears

  Is that word “father.” [To Luke:] Prithee, Luke, forget.

  Thy task is to prepare the droids for work

  Tomorrow. In the morning shall they be

  Upon the south ridge, laboring with those

  Condensers.
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  LUKE

  —Aye, and I believe these droids

  Shall serve us well. In troth, good uncle, now

  I must confess my mind is mov’d to think

  Upon the pact ’twixt thee and me, and our

  Agreement, namely that I shall stay here

  Another season. Crops that grow in these

  Harsh climes will surely grow sans me. And so,

  Mine uncle, if these droids will satisfy

  I wish my application to transmit

  Unto the great Academy this year.

  OWEN

  Nay Luke, an uncle’s heart is breaking! Canst

  Thou mean the next semester hence, before

  The harvest-time?

  LUKE

  —Just so! Quite plentiful

  Are droids!

  OWEN

  —But harvest-time I need thee most!

  Wilt thou here in the desert yet desert?

  ’Tis only one more season. This year I

  Shall make enough at harvest-time to hire

  More hands to help. Then canst thou go next year

  To the Academy. To pilot is

  A noble trade, my boy, but family

  Is nobler still. I prithee, understand,

  I need thee, Luke.

  LUKE

  —’Tis one more year entire!

  OWEN

  ’Tis only one more season!

  LUKE

  —Aye, so saidst

  Thou when my dear friends Biggs and Tank did leave.

  Now cracks a hopeful heart, when, by the land,

  A man’s ambitions firmly grounded are:

  So shall a bird ne’er learn to fly or soar

  When wings are clipp’d by crops and roots and soil.

  BERU

  Pray whither fly’st thou, Luke?

  LUKE

  —It seems, dear aunt,

  I nowhere go nor flee nor sail nor fly.

  Instead, I must remain and clean those droids.

  [Exit Luke.

  BERU

  O Owen, he cannot abide for aye

  With us. ’Tis true, his friends are mostly gone.

  It hath great meaning for our well-lov’d Luke—

  This bird would surely fly.

  OWEN

  —So promise I

  That I shall set all things aright, Beru.

  The bird shall fly indeed, when time is ripe,

  And when the nest hath no more need of him.

  BERU

  But Owen, he hath not a farmer’s heart—

  This apple falls quite near his father’s tree.

  OWEN

  ’Tis true! And this, my dear, is what I fear.

  [Exeunt Owen and Beru. Reenter Luke, gazing into the setting of Tatooine’s two suns.

  LUKE

  O, I am Fortune’s fool. ’Tis true, ’tis true,

  And gazing now upon the double sun

  Of my home Tatooine, I know full well

  That elsewhere lies my destiny, not here.

  Although my uncle’s will is that I stay,

  My heart within me bursts to think on it

  For out among the spheres I wish to roam—

  Adventure and rebellion stir my blood.

  Those oft-repeated words of my mate Biggs

  I do believe—that all the world’s a star.

  Beyond that heav’nly light I shall fly far!

  [Exit.

  SCENE 1.

  Inside the Lars homestead.

  Enter C-3PO.

  C-3PO

  Alas! My R2-D2, he hath flown,

  And all the while he beepeth on and on

  About his duty in rebellion’s cause.

  O with what strength shall I be punishèd

  When R2’s treachery discover’d is!

  So shall I hide myself behind this ship

  In hopes I’ll not be found by Master Luke.

  [C-3PO hides.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER.

  LUKE

  C-3PO, I say, what dost thou there?

  At what game playest thou, O jolly droid?

  [C-3PO emerges.

  C-3PO

  I prithee, Sir, be thou not cross with me.

  ’Twas through no fault of mine, in truth I swear!

  Pray let me not deactivated be.

  I ask’d him, aye, and urg’d him not to go.

  With sighs and words aplenty plied I him—

  With many earnest pleadings made my cause—

  And yet he was to me as one made deaf.

  His metal ears, as ’twere, did seem to plug,

  As though no word of mine could penetrate

  And break upon his sense of hearing. O!

  I fear a curs’d malfunction doth befall

  My dear and treasur’d R2 unit.

  LUKE

  —Nay!

  C-3PO

  Aye, verily! His mission is supreme,

  So sayeth he. He will not hinder’d be,

  Nor from his wayward, stubborn purpose veer.

  CHORUS

  Now with these words young Luke doth quickly run

  Beyond the shutter’d doors, with failing hope.

  And stepping out beneath the setting sun

  He scans the vast horizon with his scope.

  C-3PO

  Sir, ever hath that R2 unit been

  A problem that hath vex’d me through and through.

  Astromech droids have ever puzzl’d me:

  Their minds have tempers mighty to behold,

  Though all contain’d in frames of modest size.

  LUKE

  Fie! How have I so easily been trick’d?

  This R2 hath perform’d his greatest feat:

  To vanish—scope to wheels—into the air!

  O blast it! Aye, and fie and ficos too!

  C-3PO

  [aside:] Now he is anger’d. Peace, my Master, peace!

  [To Luke:] Good Sir, forgive my impudence, but may

  We yet this e’en go out asearching?

  LUKE

  —Nay.

  ’Tis far too dangerous. The night is dark,

  But darker are the dreaded Sand People,

  And darkest most of all their thievery.

  Thus, as the darkness waits for light to dawn,

  So must we wait for morning to arrive.

  OWEN

  [inside:] O Luke, come hither! Swiftly come ye in!

  The time hath come to darken down the pow’r.

  LUKE

  Anon, good uncle! Thy good word I’ll heed!

  [To C-3PO:] O, I shall taste the whips and scorns of my

  Dear uncle’s anger. So shall that small droid,

  Though yet far gone, wreak havoc on my soul.

  C-3PO

  Aye, Sir, ’tis true. Although the droid is skill’d

  At laboring and service, most doth he

  Excel at wearying the hearts of men.

  [Luke and C-3PO withdraw for the night.

  CHORUS

  And so a restless night doth pass within:

  While Luke doth ponder future punishment

  And longs for his lost droid search to begin,

  C-3PO doth fear his banishment.

  At early morn, with eager wills they rise,

  A shar’d endeavor binding them anew.

  The fast landspeeder o’er the desert flies—

  They go to find the errant droid R2.

  LUKE and C-3PO enter, flying in landspeeder.

  LUKE

  Good friend, take heed! The scanner doth report

  A droid ahead. Pray, swiftly take us hence—

  Belike our R2-D2 there awaits!

  [Aside:] Perhaps I’ll yet escape my uncle’s wrath.

  CHORUS

  While droid and man go racing ’cross the sand,

  The Tusken Raiders watch the two pass by.

  Their banthas mounting, gaffi sticks at hand,

  They heave unto the air their warring cry
.

  Enter R2-D2.

  [Luke and C-3PO dismount to speak to R2-D2.

  LUKE

  Pray, whither goest thou, thou naughty droid?

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, beep squeak.

  C-3PO

  —Nay, Master Luke is now

  Thy rightful owner. Learn obedience!

  Aye, learn thou loyalty! Pray, learn respect!

  And learn thou not to speak of Obi-Wan

  Kenobi!

  R2-D2

  —Whee, nee, squeak.

  C-3PO

  —Speak not to me

  Of mission, droid! I’ll warrant, happy thou

  Shalt be if our new Master doth not let

  Thee know the blaster’s deadly touch today.

  LUKE

  Pray, patience, dear C-3PO, ’tis well.

  But let us hence.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, whistle, nee, meep, squeak!

  LUKE

  What can the matter be? What doth he say?

  C-3PO

  He doth report that creatures hither come,

  Approaching stealthily from the southeast.

  LUKE

  Sand People! Hither, come, and let us see!

  [Aside:] Unbidden doth adventure come, yet here

  I stand, prepar’d to rise and welcome Fate.

  The twisting strand she threads we must but trail,

  For ’tis the wire that leadeth us through life.

  Fate’s hand hath plac’d me here on Tatooine

  And now she beckons onward to th’abyss.

  Now o’er adventure’s great abyss I perch—

  Above all time, above the universe,

  Above the rim of chance and destiny—

  And sister Fate doth dare me to look in.

  And there—aye there!— I find my happiness.

  I peer therein, embrace my Fate—and blink.

  Come, life! For I am ready now to live.

  [With scope, to droids:] I spy two banthas,