William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy

by Ian Doescher

  To fill a thousand normal human lives—

  A princess in a vision spake to me,

  My aunt and uncle by stormtroopers slain,

  A hasty flight from my home, Tatooine,

  A pilot and a Wookiee and a Knight,

  A rescue brave within our cruel foe’s grasp,

  My teacher kill’d, and then the final scene:

  The Death Star battle—many friends were lost,

  But in the end a greater war was won.

  Adventure hath both taken from my life,

  And given to me ev’rything I have.

  And thus I seek and shun its tempting ways.

  E’en now adventure knocks upon the door:

  A flaming orb hath struck the ground nearby.

  Is it a portent of some ill to come?

  [Into comlink:] ’Tis Echo-Three to

  Echo-Seven: Han,

  My true companion e’er, canst thou hear me?

  HAN

  [through comlink:] Aye, truly, chuck, thy voice

  rings loud and clear.

  What can I do for thee, my noble friend?

  LUKE

  My circle ’round the area hath been

  Completed now, but naught of life nor forms

  Of life my scan hath yet uncover’d.

  HAN

  [through comlink:] —Nay.

  There is not life enough upon this cube

  Of ice to fill an empty space cruiser.

  The sensors have I put in place, so shall

  I now return unto the base.

  LUKE

  —’Tis well,

  And I, forsooth, shall soon meet with thee there.

  But I have spied a met’orite that hath

  Its landing made near here. So shall I go

  And fix my eyes upon the scene. I’ll not

  Be long, I warrant; then, I shall return.

  Enter WAMPA, aside.

  WAMPA

  You viewers all, whose gentle hearts do fear

  The smallest womp rat creeping on the floor,

  May now perchance both quake and tremble here,

  When wampa rough in wildest rage doth roar.

  Pray know that I a wampa simple am,

  And take no pleasure in my angry mood.

  Though with great force this young one’s face I slam,

  I prithee know I strike but for my food.

  LUKE

  Alas, is this th’adventure I am due,

  To die upon a vicious monster’s whim?

  I am attackèd by this awful beast!

  O fate most wretched—shall I be his feast?

  [Exit, pursued by a wampa.

  SCENE 2.

  The rebel base on Hoth.

  Enter HAN SOLO.

  HAN

  A scoundrel may not rise above his place—

  This is a fact the galaxy doth teach.

  For e’en though I have join’d rebellion’s ranks

  These many weeks and months, and gain’d respect

  Within their noble band, my scoundrel past

  Doth make its harsh demands upon my life.

  The bounty hunters sent by Jabba make

  Pursuit to win the price upon my head.

  So must I go once more unto the depths

  Of my old life, find Jabba of the Hutt

  And pay his ransom, thus to free my soul.

  I would not leave my noble rebel friends,

  I would not leave the cause for which they fight,

  I would not leave the princess and her charm,

  I would not leave all these, and yet I must.

  A life’s not well lived under threat of death,

  Especially with men of cruel intent—

  Who for a price shall fill the Hutt’s demands—

  Upon the trail of my indebtedness.

  And so, my mate Chewbacca and I leave

  Upon the instant that the ship is set to go.

  Enter CHEWBACCA, working on the Millennium Falcon.

  I say, Chewbacca, ho! Aye, Chewie!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  HAN

  Lose not thy temper, gentle Wookiee, nay,

  But practice patience; I shall help thee soon.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh, auugh, egh.

  [Exit Chewbacca. Han crosses to command center with Princess Leia and General Rieekan.

  RIEEKAN

  —Solo, wouldst thou speak with me?

  HAN

  Good general, the sensors are in place,

  And surely shalt thou know if aught comes near

  Our hidden station here.

  RIEEKAN

  —Well. Prithee say,

  Commander Skywalker, hath he yet made

  Report?

  HAN

  —Nay, truly. He hath gone to see

  A met’orite that hath made landfall near.

  RIEEKAN

  With all the met’orites a’falling in

  This system, I believe we shall have pains

  And trouble in detecting ’proaching ships.

  HAN

  [aside:] How shall I tell my news most difficult,

  And crush this man’s great hopes for what’s ahead?

  Fear not, O heart, but be direct and calm:

  ’Tis best approach’d straight on, like th’Kessel Run.

  [To Rieekan:] My general, I cannot stay. I must

  Make haste and get me hence, e’en now.

  LEIA

  [aside:] —Alack,

  How like a death knell sounds this news to me!

  RIEEKAN

  I tell thee truly when I say to thee:

  This news doth break this gen’ral’s gentle soul.

  I could not be more sorry, pilot brave.

  HAN

  A price still lies upon my head, and if

  I do not make amends with Jabba, I

  Shall not repay with money, nay, but life.

  RIEEKAN

  A price too dear, indeed! A death mark is

  No kind companion to a free man’s life.

  Thou art a warrior noble, Solo, and

  I hate to lose thee.

  HAN

  —And thou art a kind,

  Good general, sirrah, I hate to go.

  [Exit Rieekan. Han turns to Princess Leia.

  And so, Your Highness great, this is the end.

  LEIA

  ’Tis so.

  HAN

  —I prithee mourn me not, and show

  No sentiment. Farewell, thou princess cold.

  [Aside:] I go, and hope she’ll follow hard upon,

  For if she shall not follow, all is lost.

  [Han Solo begins to exit, pursued by Princess Leia.

  LEIA

  Han, halt!

  HAN

  —What is thy pleasure, Highness?

  LEIA

  I did believe that thou had chos’n to stay.

  HAN

  The bounty hunter we did meet on Ord

  Mantell hath chang’d my mind.

  LEIA

  —We need thee, Han.

  HAN

  What “we”? Why speakest thou of “we”?

  Dost thou in royal terms speak here of “we”?

  Hast thou a rodent in thy pocket, such

  That thou and he are “we”? What meanest thou?

  What need is there that thou dost share with all?

  Speak not of “we,” but “I.” O princess, what

  Dost thou most need? Not “we,” not “they,” but thou?

  LEIA

  I know not what thou speakest of.

  HAN

  —’Tis true.

  Most probably thou dost not know thyself.

  LEIA

  And what, pray tell, precisely should I know?

  Of what great myst’ry am I unaware?

  Hast thou the depths of Leia plumb’d and seen

  What lies within my soul, my very core?

  HAN

&
nbsp; Be not elusive, nay! Thou wouldst that I

  Should stay because of how thou feelest in

  Thy heart about me. Need hath turn’d to want.

  Pray, tell me not thy needs, but thy desires.

  LEIA

  Thou art a leader full of skill, ’tis true.

  HAN

  Thine answer leadeth thee astray. Let fly!

  I see it in thine aspect now, let fly!

  Tell me the answer true.

  LEIA

  —Thy vanity

  Hath puff’d up thine imagination.

  HAN

  —Aye?

  Then why dost thou yet follow me? Wert thou

  Afraid I would depart without a kiss?

  LEIA

  I would as eagerly kiss Wookiee lips.

  HAN

  That can arrangèd be. By heaven’s breath,

  A kiss would suit thee well!

  [Exit Han Solo.

  LEIA

  —O man of bile!

  Thou wouldst make e’en the coolest temper burn,

  For thou art made of heat and flame and fire.

  No wood may stand within a mile of thee

  But it shall roast as if ’twere on the sun.

  And now, thy scorching manner lights my fuse.

  Aye truly, I confess I am aflame:

  Thine eyes create combustion in my heart,

  Thy face doth cause my cheeks to flood with warmth,

  Thy fingers set me trembling at their touch,

  Thy hands may hold the secrets of my soul.

  Thou hast a pow’r o’er Leia’s very self,

  Yet wear my patience past what I can bear.

  For O, how thou dost needle, jest, and prick

  When thou dost think thy pride is at the stake.

  Be not so full of bile, my noble Han.

  I prithee, choose the tender side of wit.

  If thou couldst ever put thy pride away,

  Belike my prejudice would fall aside.

  Then could our two hearts sing a melody,

  Instead of clashing in disharmony.

  [Exit Princess Leia.

  SCENE 3.

  The rebel base on Hoth.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2, with HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA aside at the Millennium Falcon.

  C-3PO

  O R2, thou dost ever plague me so!

  E’en now have we been in dishonor sent

  Away from our good princess’ chamber. Fie!

  Such breach of etiquette and protocol,

  And all the fault doth on thy shoulders lie.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, beep, whistle, meep, beep, squeak, nee, meep!

  C-3PO

  Lay not thy blame upon my shoulders, droid—

  I did, at no point, ask thee to engage

  The thermal heater. ’Twas but a remark

  Upon the coldness of the princess’ room.

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, squeak.

  C-3PO

  —But freezing it should be!

  And now, how shall we dry off all her clothes?

  I truly know not how.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, meep, beep, hoo.

  C-3PO

  O, switch off!

  [C-3PO walks aside toward the Millennium Falcon.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] —Watch thy tongue, thou naughty droid,

  Or I shall bring my wit to bear on thee

  And thou shalt not escape my shocks and jabs.

  For though I speak aloud in beeps and squeaks,

  Within my mind a keener tongue prevails.

  And though thou like a brother art to me,

  I’ll happily correct your errant ways.

  If thou didst think the thermal heater was

  Too hot, then shalt thou surely not endure

  The fire that I shall kindle with my wit.

  [C-3PO makes his way to Han Solo.

  HAN

  [to Chewbacca:] Why hast thou taken this apart when

  I am striving to depart this wretched place?

  C-3PO

  Excuse me, Sir.

  HAN

  —Pray, mend the ship, and swift!

  C-3PO

  Please, Sir, a word with thee.

  HAN

  —What dost thou want?

  C-3PO

  ’Tis Princess Leia, Sir, she strives to reach

  Thee on th’communicator.

  HAN

  —Then ’twas wise

  That I did turn it off, for I have no

  Desire to speak with her.

  C-3PO

  —I see. But she

  Hath after Master Luke made inquiry,

  For surely he hath not return’d unto

  The base. She knows not where he is.

  HAN

  —In that

  Her mind and mine are one. I know not where

  He is.

  C-3PO

  —But no one knows his whereabouts.

  HAN

  What dost thou mean by “no one,” prating droid?

  Deck officer, deck officer!

  Enter DECK OFFICER.

  OFFICER

  —Yes, Sir?

  HAN

  Dost thou know where Commander Skywalker Is?

  OFFICER

  —I’ve not seen him, but ’tis possible

  He through the entrance to the south return’d.

  HAN

  “ ’Tis possible”? I prithee, good lad, go

  Thou thither and find out. It grows quite dark

  Outside.

  OFFICER

  —Aye, Sir.

  [Exit deck officer.

  C-3PO

  —Excuse me, Sir, but may

  I ask what doth transpire?

  HAN

  —Thou mayst indeed.

  C-3PO

  O man impossible! Come thou, R2,

  Let us return unto the princess now.

  The drying of her clothes is now the least

  Of all our worries, for another ill

  Far greater than our mishap is afoot.

  In confidence I tell thee: I do fear

  That Master Luke grave danger doth confront.

  [Exit C-3PO and R2-D2.

  HAN

  What portents strange, what evil tidings this:

  My friend by no one seen, the droids afraid,

  Chewbacca prone to error with the ship,

  The young deck officer so tentative—

  These things foretell some ill that shall occur.

  But if misfortune toucheth anyone,

  Let it be me and not my partner, Luke.

  For he is like a brother unto me,

  As all who fight with me in battle are.

  Though I did save him in the Death Star clash,

  ’Tis he hath sav’d me from the smuggler’s life

  By leading me on paths more true than I

  Had e’er foreseen. Now do I call him friend,

  And this rebellion is the cause we share.

  From all my friends here I would not depart

  If I were not by Jabba hunted down.

  Aye, I would give my bones—my life—for great

  Rebellion’s sake if e’er it were requir’d.

  But soft you now: the officer returns.

  Enter DECK OFFICER.

  OFFICER

  Good Sir, Commander Skywalker hath not

  Come in the entrance to the south. He may

  Have but forgotten to check in.

  HAN

  —Nay, nay.

  His nature is not thus. Now tell me, are

  The speeders ready?

  OFFICER

  —Nay, we have not yet

  Adapted them unto the cold of Hoth.

  HAN

  So then upon a tauntaun’s back I’ll ride.

  Though with especial foulness they abuse

  My nose, they are the speediest we have.

  OFFICER

  But Sir, the
temp’rature doth drop too fast

  For any living being to survive.

  HAN

  ’Tis true, and my dear friend doth bear the brunt.

  He shall not die while I have life or breath,

  For neither snow nor ice nor gloom of Hoth

  Shall stay my rescue of my greatest friend.

  OFFICER

  Thy tauntaun shall but freeze ere thou canst ride

  Unto our prim’ry marker, I predict.

  HAN

  Then I shall dine with thee tonight in Hell!

  [Exeunt Han Solo, Chewbacca, and deck officer.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, hanging upside down from balcony.

  LUKE

  What warren, friends, is this? I am within

  Some icy shelter. Now I do recall—

  The creature large hath ta’en me by surprise,

  Then quickly did my body overpow’r

  By knocking me aside with painful blow.

  It kill’d my tauntaun with its vicious claw,

  Unmovèd by the creature’s awful scream.

  It must have dragg’d us to this frozen lair.

  E’en now I hear it gnaw my tauntaun’s flesh,

  The stench of musty death is in my nose.

  Now I’m awake, hung up by my own feet,

  And sounds of tearing skin and crunching bone

  Do echo through the monster’s gloomy cave.

  The tauntaun, though, is only the first dish,

  And I am bound to be the second course.

  Indeed, I have a problem grave, and how

  Shall I make rescue for myself? But wait—

  What’s there—a’lying on the snow nearby?

  It is my lightsaber—how fortunate!

  ’Tis still too far to grasp with my own reach:

  Thus call I on the Force to save my life.

  O concentrate, and call upon the things

  Thou learn’st from Obi-Wan when he still liv’d.