Fear Me Not

by Sara Wolf

  “How did that happen?”

  “Instant degeneration of the vestigial nervous system combined with neuron reconfiguration surgery, as per usual. She was also kissed by a prince.”

  I laugh until my lungs are sore. The worry that was heavy on my heart dissipates into nothingness for this moment. Raine smiles, bewildered and asking what’s so funny on repeat. And the steel curtain between us lifts a little.

  ***

  Alisa calls me the next day, and I return it at lunch. She seems positive, and better, but she always tries real hard to sound like that so I don’t worry. I’ve seen her do it with Dad. She insists she had an attack because she inhaled smoke from burned rice in cooking class, but I don’t believe that for a second. We both know she has random attacks, and with increasing frequency. She just wants to blame it on something so it doesn’t seem like she’s getting worse.

  But she is.

  I have to get that money, no matter what happens to me here at the school.

  Which is why, when the gum-smacker who picked on Dakota in PE tracks me down during break and tries to fight me, I do a whole lot of ducking.

  “We can talk this out,” I say. The girl laughs, shrilly, her two friends on either side of her blocking my escape down the hall.

  “You think so? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

  “Look, you’re mad I stood up for Dakota. That’s fine. Ever think about yourself, though? How does beating me up look to everyone else? And you have to do it with two other girls? You’ll look like a coward.”

  “I don’t care if people know I did it, or if they see, or what I look like,” Gum-smacker sneers. “You insulted me and threw a ball at my face! You walk around all high and mighty, like the bitch you are. You deserve what’s coming to you. And it’s coming right now.”

  They advance on me, smirking, and I back up to the wall.

  “Whoa, wait, wait! What if someone catches us fighting? Aren’t you afraid of being expelled? You’re gonna give up a hundred thousand dollars just to beat me up?”

  “A hundred thou? You’re getting a hundred? Yeah right.” Gum-smacker sneers.

  “Isn’t that…” I trail off. “That’s what the EVE clinic guys tell everyone.”

  One girl to her left shakes her head. “Nu-uh. They said I’d getting twenty.”

  The other girl shrugs. “Fifty.”

  “Fifty?” Gum-smacker turns to the girl and shoves her shoulder. “Fuck you! You didn’t tell me! I’m only getting ten!”

  “What makes you so special?” The twenty thousand girl snarls at me. Gum-smacker suddenly remembers what she came here to do, and reaches for my hair.

  “Ugh, let’s just get it over with. I’ve been waiting forever to punch her stupid face in.”

  I hold my arms up and curl into a ball. If I don’t fight back, maybe they won’t expel me. If I don’t fight back, there’s still a chance for Alisa, and Dad. But it’s going to hurt. I watch as Gum-smacker raises her hand to slap me, her nails long and sharp and painted red, like claws.

  Oh yeah. It’s going to hurt.

  “What’s going on here?”

  I’d recognize that authoritative voice anywhere. Taj is striding towards us, anger furrowing his brows. The girls scatter instantly. He darts off after them, then sighs and gives up the chase, walking towards me instead.

  “Nothing happened,” I say quickly.

  “It looked like they were about to fight you,” Taj says. Now that he’s close, I can see every muscle under his plaid shirt.

  “It was nothing. Really. They were just…just asking me answers to some homework questions! That’s all.”

  Taj narrows his gold-streaked eyes. I hadn’t noticed before, but his eyes are turned up at the corners, giving him a cat-like look. His lips are broad, and his nose proud. Unlike swarthy Shadus, his skin is pale, with a slight sheen of outdoorsy tan. He could pass for any good-looking American guy.

  “Alright,” he says finally. “But if it happens again –”

  “It won’t. I tend to actively avoid people who I know want to punch my teeth in.”

  Taj chuckles, but he keeps staring at me.

  “Something on my face?” I ask.

  “I apologize.” His eyes flicker away. “I know in human culture it’s rude to stare. I’m just…curious.”

  “About what? Please don’t say my bra size.”

  He chuckles. “No. I know human boys do that, but in Gutter culture it’s severely frowned upon to question after a female’s personal details. Unless they are your mate.”

  Mate. They use words like that, instead of girlfriend? I feel myself flush but shake out of it.

  “Then what are you curious about?”

  “Shadus. Why would he –” Taj shakes his curly-haired head. “It just doesn’t make sense. Shadus is closed off, completely self-contained. He’s been that way since we landed years ago. He barely speaks to any Gutter outside of his father. And even then, that’s only rarely. He has no friends. Gutters try to be his friends because he is Executioner sotho and will one day wield great power, but he drives them all away for that exact reason. He trusts no one. But somehow, he’s seen fit to tell you very private things.”

  “He thinks no one will believe me, if that helps,” I say. “He says a teenager has no credibility.”

  “That’s true. Still. It’s odd. I’ve never seen him speak or interact with a Gutter the way he does with you.”

  The EVE organ gives a little jump under my ribs, but I still it with even breaths. Taj smiles. It’s a sincere smile – nothing like Raine’s affably contrived ones or Shadus’ bitter smirks.

  “You’re a very interesting human, Victoria Hale. I hope to see you again.”

  “I hope I don’t. See you again. Because that’d mean I’m probably in trouble.”

  He chuckles. “Regardless, take care of yourself. The waters of Gutter politics are treacherous. Some may use your connection with Shadus for themselves.”

  “Like you?” I say. Gold eyes gleam.

  “So you aren’t stupid.”

  “No. And neither are you.”

  There’s an unspoken agreement that we’ve hit an impasse with each other, and he nods, walking away.

  ***

  Ms. Gianca’s script is large and neat on the whiteboard.

  “The Gutters’ native language is known as Rahm. It is primarily a pheromone-based language, with vocal modifiers. Today, every Gutter is taught four human languages; English, Spanish, French, and Mandarin Chinese. This allows better communication with humans no matter where we go. However, I believe it’s time humans learned a few Rahm words as well.”

  I copy the basic Rahm words on the board. Yuosai; hello. An’hege oir; please pass me that. Ms. Gianca pronounces a faint hiss after certain words. It sounds snake-like, soft and lilting at the same time. And then we move on. She writes four words on the board; Asara, Umala, Latori, and Shototh.

  “Humans have many religions,” Gianca says. “And with that comes many gods. The Gutters too have many religions, but one remains more popular than the rest. It’s called Ki-eth, which roughly translates to ‘path of the four’. Four goddesses of unimaginable power govern the universe, or so we believe.”

  Gianca throws her pointer on the word Asara.

  “Asara, the Great Mother of Light. She-Who-Births-All-Things. She is kindness and mercy incarnate, and loves all within the universe unconditionally.”

  She points to Umala.

  “Umala, the Great Mother of Darkness. She-Who-Destroys-All-Things. Umala is destruction, chaos, and fear. Umala is Asara’s sister. Asara’s father, Yu, the Great Father of Nothingness, wanted to kill Umala when she was born from him. But, taking pity on her, Asara hid her sister away within her own body, and Yu could not kill her. Since then, Umala and Asara share a body. They are one, but they are not the same. Umala, in her anger at being seen as inferior, tries to always undo the good that Asara creates in the universe.”

  We’re all quiet.
Even Gerald, the class clown who never shuts up, is shutting up. It’s the most interesting thing she’s taught so far.

  “Latori, the Great Mother of Mountains,” Gianca continues. “She is reclusive, and quiet, and knows and keeps all secrets. She sees everything that will be, or can be, but she never gets involved. She is the great scholar, with her libraries of scrolls that contain the history of the universe, from beginning to end.”

  “And finally, there is Shototh, the Great Mother of Ocean. Shototh is the schemer, the planner, the one who twists the fabric of us mortals to her bidding. She wishes only to be entertained. Anything that is interesting will do, even suffering. With her honeyed words, Shototh manipulates Umala’s rage so that she will do great and terrible things for Shototh to take delight in.”

  Someone raises their hand. “So none of them are evil? Or is Umala the bad guy? Like Satan?”

  Gianca smiles patiently. “There are no good and evil goddesses. There is only right and wrong. Some things they do are right, and some things they do are wrong, just like us.”

  The bell trills, and I wait until the class leaves to walk up to her desk.

  “Hello, Victoria,” Gianca looks up from her papers. “What did you need from me?”

  “I was wondering if you could teach me how to say a sentence in Rahm.”

  She smiles. “Of course. It would be my pleasure.”

  She writes it down and teaches me to purse my lips just so to make the hissing sound. There’s an awkward quiet after I master that particular phrase. I want to say it to Shadus, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get the opportunity. Maybe it’s stupid, learning this just to say it to him. But it’s worth a try, I think.

  Or is it?

  Why am I trying at all, if I’m just here for the money?

  I look at Ms. Gianca carefully. She doesn’t look any older than twenty five. We all know Gutters are prone to looking youthful. It’s why so many cosmetic companies and modeling agencies snapped them up. I wonder what her real age is.

  “Why do the Gutter factions hate each other?” I blurt. She raises an eyebrow.

  “Each Gutter does not hate his fellow, rather, healthy competition is considered best for keeping our minds and bodies sharp and alert. The factions give Gutters something to take pride in - just as humans have national pride for their countries.”

  She reaches over and pats my hand.

  “But do be careful. Sometimes the younger generation forgets that the competition is merely friendly.”

  “Right. Thanks.”

  There’s a beat of quiet.

  “What if I told you I know you guys have really good noses?” I ask.

  “I would ask you who told you that,” Ms. Gianca smiles patiently.

  “What would happen if I told you who told me it?”

  “They would be punished by Gutter law, of course,” Ms. Gianca says automatically. “Anyone who compromises our security on this planet must be dealt with.” She covers her mouth, and tries to make her smile extra sugary, as though she let something slip. “But that’s assuming it was true. It’s not, so you don’t need to worry, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She shoos me out of the door and closes it behind me.

  It’s obvious not all Gutters have the frigid self-control of Shadus, or Taj, or hell, even Raine. Ms. Gianca is considerably easier to crack. I store that in my mental notes, and start towards PE.

  ***

  It’s midnight when someone decides to start throwing pebbles at my window.

  Clink.

  I groan and pull the pillow over my head.

  Clink-clink.

  “Raine, get that,” I mumble. But then I realize Raine isn’t here. She’s taking leave for two days for her photoshoot. A bunch of Gutter bodyguards in black suits drove up in a likewise black SUV and shuttled her off. Public relations for Gutters is apparently real serious business – more serious than putting on a good show at the world’s first segregated school. And Raine is the flagship – the most popular Gutter by leaps and bounds. It has to be stressful on her, to be under so much pressure to appear appealing to humans. But she never shows it.

  I tumble out of bed and blearily rub my eyes so I can see out the window. I rub them harder when I realize who it is. Shadus. He’s in a sweater and jeans. I open the window just in time for him to pelt me with one last pebble to the forehead.

  “Ow! Cut it out, Creeps!”

  “A crepe is a French pancake filled with fruit and cream,” He deadpans.

  “Uh.”

  “It sounds like Creeps. Crepes. Creeps,” He tries experimentally. There’s a silence. “That was my attempt at human humor.”

  “Okay, that’s great and all, but did you forget you’re throwing rocks at my window for some reason?” I hiss, not wanting to alarm any of the night guards patrolling.

  “Get dressed and come downstairs.”

  “And get expelled? No thanks!”

  “You won’t get caught. Not if you’re with me.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Get dressed. Meet me at the dumpsters you usually sulk behind.”

  “I don’t sul-”

  He’s gone into the shadows before I have the chance to defend myself. I sigh and massage my forehead. Why the hell does he want me to break curfew? If I get caught, that’s a hundred thousand dollars down the drain. But Taj’s words echo in my sleepy head.

  I’ve never seen him speak or interact with a Gutter the way he does with you.

  I throw off my blankets and pull on my jeans. The October air is freezing, so I grab a sweatshirt and take the stairs quietly. The guards only really patrol the downstairs. I wait until a guard passes, then dart out the side door in the lobby – the front door is rigged with an alarm. A girl learned that the hard way the first week.

  I miraculously make it to the dumpster alcove without alerting any guards patrolling. Shadus is leaning against the wall, waiting. He looks up, crimson eyes glimmering like bloodstones in the moonlight.

  “Finally. You’re slower than a lemak in a sandstorm. Let’s go.”

  “What about the cameras?” I hiss breathlessly. “I wasn’t seen, but they’ve got cameras everywhere –”

  “The cameras are taken care of. Let’s go.”

  He starts off across the lawn, keeping to the shadows of the trees and walls. I try to keep up, but it’s like he’s got perfect reflexes. He feet ahead of me, and the only thing keeping us remotely close is the fact he pauses every so often to inhale deeply.

  “Where the shit are we going?” I press when we stop behind a bush. The dark forest that borders the school looms high before us.

  “There’s something you should see,” He says. “I’d explain, but we don’t have a lot of time before it’s over. This way.”

  We duck around the bush and he stops suddenly. He pushes me back, his hands on my shoulders as he pins me to the wall of the maintenance shed and puts his finger to his lips. A guard jingles past, keys and flashlight swaying. Shadus’ hand is rough, and strong, and the smell of ash and boy wafts up from him. For a second, I feel like screaming. Getting pressed like this to a wall in LA is a sure sign something bad is going to happen to you. But then I realize a single scream and dozens of guards would come running. For now, I’m fine. For now, I try to concentrate on how else I feel. A surge of jitters crawls up my body and down it all in one flash second. Boys and me don’t exactly mix. I’ve always been too preoccupied with protecting Alisa to hang out after school, or go on dates. The one guy I ever liked called me a gloomy skeleton when I asked him out in middle school. So Shadus touching me now is something entirely new. He’s an alien, so it doesn’t really count, and I know he doesn’t like me like that, but still. It’s different. It’s something I never thought the gloomy skeleton would get to experience in her life.

  “Apologies,” Shadus whispers when the guard is gone, and releases his grip on me. “I miscalculated and had to hide both of us quickly.”

  He
starts off, and I follow.

  “I-It’s fine,” I struggle to say. “You just scared me.”

  “Exactly. I scared you. It’s not fine. Human females are physically weaker than the males. You must be wary of them at all times. I took advantage of that just now. It will not happen again.”

  We pause when we get to the safety of the forest’s treeline. The oaks and pines are dark, and shade us from view. No human guy would ever say something like that. He must see my confusion, because he explains himself quickly.

  “There is no sexual dimorphism in Gutters. Females are equally physically powerful as males. Though now, we are all human. That has changed. We were taught not to abuse this change, and to display courtesy to the fact human females had to account for it in their lives. Hence, my apology.”

  “Look, it’s really fine. You don’t need to talk like a robot. Let’s just go.”

  “Your compliments are unneeded.” Shadus says.

  “What?”

  “A robot has advanced logic capabilities compared to a human. You were complimenting me, were you not?”

  I smack my hand to my forehead. “Sure.”

  He looks deeper into the forest, and points to the west.

  “This way.”

  We muck over roots and rocks, our footsteps muffled by the thick blanket of pine needles. It starts to lightly rain, but the trees are close enough to keep us mostly dry. Just as I’m considering calling the whole thing off and going back to my warm bed, I see the burnt outline of what used to be a house – it’s fireplace and doorframes the only thing left standing. It must be one of those old bottling facilities Raine was talking about. Shadus walks over to it, and pulls open a dusty hatch in the molding wood floor. A square of bright, warm light bursts from it, the sound of people cheering wafting out. Shadus’ face, now lit by the glow, flashes me a smirk that’s childlike in its deviousness.

  “I believe this is the part where human men say ‘Ladies first’.”

  I slowly walk forward. “What’s gotten into you?”

  His grin fades. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re like a…a totally different person.”