Dork Diaries Book 8: Tales From a Not-So-Happily Ever After!

by Rachel Renée Russell

“How about the ones with yummy cream filling on the inside?”

  “Yes, I make those, too!”

  I rolled my eyes. What did cream-filled cupcakes have to do with ME? The queen was even more insane than I had imagined.

  “Now, would you bake a cream-filled heart cupcake for a ruthless criminal who was encouraging young people TO GO AGAINST THE RULES AND FOLLOW THEIR DREAMS?!!” the queen screamed at Bud the Baker.

  “Um . . . well . . . I don’t think that would probably be something I’d ever consider doing at the time . . . ,” he babbled, overcome with fear.

  “Thank you, Bud the Baker! I rest my case! Based on this testimony, I find the defendant, Nikki—”

  I couldn’t just stand there any longer, listening to her foolishness. So I had to rudely interrupt her.

  “Your Highness, with all due respect, I OBJECT to your guilty verdict!” I said. “You’re not being fair! And this trial wasn’t fair! The people of this kingdom just want to be happy! And all I was trying to do was—”

  “Objection OVERRULED!” the queen growled.

  Then she stood up and yelled . . .

  “NIKKI MAXWELL, I FIND YOU GUILTY OF TREASON! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!”

  Four royal guards quickly surrounded me to escort me to the guillotine for my execution.

  OMG! I felt like I was going to faint!

  MacKenzie was smiling insanely and waving good-bye to me.

  “Now, dear! Aren’t we being a bit hasty?” the king sputtered. “Surely there are witnesses who actually know what really—”

  “Please, your honor! You’re making a big mistake!! I beg of you, just let me explain what happened,” I pleaded desperately.

  “SILENCE!” screamed the Queen of Hearts. “Who among you dares to defy my order of execution?!”

  It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

  That’s when someone cleared his throat and answered, “Your Majesty, I DEFY YOU! Release the princess or answer to ME!”

  I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears. Prince Brandon had come to rescue me !! SQUEEE!!

  “The Princess Protectors demand that you free Nikki!” yelled three girls. It was Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty, channeling the Three Musketeers !

  “Let Nikki go! Or ELSE!” shouted Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood! I couldn’t help but notice they were rocking glam new makeovers!

  OMG! I was SO happy to see all my friends! And from the looks of it, they had come totally prepared to kick some BUTT!

  I frantically scanned the crowd, praying I’d see Brianna’s big, silly grin. But she WASN’T there. I felt another rush of overwhelming sadness.

  Suddenly the Queen of Hearts stood up and bellowed, “GUARDS! APPREHEND THEM! I want them captured alive so I can EXECUTE each and every one of them!”

  I watched in awe as the Princess Protectors and Brandon took on a half dozen palace guards.

  All three girls were joyriding on Snow White’s wheelchair with swords drawn, while Brandon pushed them around the courtyard. They looked like an angry three-horned bull on wheels.

  When it became apparent that their side was losing, MacKenzie and the queen tried to sneak away!

  But Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks stopped them DEAD in their tracks! . . .

  “GUARD! TAKE CARE OF THESE TWO! NOW!” yelled the queen.

  A burly six-foot-tall guard took one look at Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks and laughed. “You two think you’re a match for ME?” he scoffed. “Cute basket! Are you gonna throw cupcakes at me? I’m really scared. So, what’s in the basket, sister?”

  Totally ticked off, Red Riding Hood picked up her basket and swung it at him!

  POW! The man lay sprawled on the ground, howling in pain!!

  “OUCH! What was in that basket? ROCKS?!!”

  “No, it’s the muffins she baked this morning,” Goldilocks said. “They’re hard as rocks! And taste like them too!”

  With both girls temporarily distracted, MacKenzie ran toward me as she pulled out her wand. But Brandon saw her coming. He quickly lunged between us and threw his arms up to block her. . . .

  PRINCE BRANDON, TRYING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!!

  I was really thankful that Prince Brandon had stepped in to try to protect me from MacKenzie. But now he had placed himself in imminent danger.

  “Stand aside, Prince Brandon, or you’ll be sorry!” MacKenzie threatened.

  “If YOU don’t back off, YOU’RE going to be sorry,” he said, taking a step toward her.

  “REALLY!” she sneered. “Well, aren’t YOU a BRAVE little prince! But let’s see how brave you are when you’re green, four inches tall, and hopping around in the swamp eating FLIES!”

  “NO!” I shouted. “This is between you and me, MacKenzie! I’ve already lost Brianna and I don’t want you hurting any more innocent people!”

  “Hey, I know!” she said as an evil grin spread across her face. “Why don’t I turn you BOTH into frogs?! How ROMANTIC!!”

  Then she pointed her wand at us. But before we could react, a bright light flashed from a wand and the room filled with mist.

  And when it cleared . . .

  BRIANNA (YES, BRIANNA!), TURNING MACKENZIE INTO A FROG!!

  When I saw Brianna, I was so happy that I burst into tears.

  I gave her the biggest hug EVER! I never imagined that I’d ever see her alive again.

  When I asked about the potted plant disguise, Brianna explained that she had quickly ditched it as soon as MacKenzie became suspicious.

  The guard had just chopped up a poor houseplant, not Brianna!

  Then she’d spent the rest of her time rounding up all my friends to help rescue me from the Queen of Hearts’ castle!

  Brianna had actually saved my life!

  Soon four dozen royal guards from the Charming Kingdom arrived on the scene, and not a minute too soon.

  The queen and her royal court were quickly placed under house arrest, to be brought before King Charming and the Fairy Tale Land Council for punishment.

  “Prince Brandon, WHAT are you doing HERE?” I finally asked as he flashed me a big smile.

  “Well, after your inspiring pep talk about following my dreams, I decided to go on a very dangerous quest to return a priceless object to the most lovely princess in the kingdom.”

  “Really? How did it go?” I asked, slightly annoyed.

  I didn’t want to admit it, but I was feeling a little jealous of whoever this new princess was.

  In spite of the time we had spent together at the ball, apparently he had already moved on to someone else.

  “Well, actually, I’m not really sure yet,” Prince Brandon said, staring at me with a very amused look on his face.

  I personally didn’t see what was so dang funny.

  Then he bowed like the perfect gentleman and said . . .

  “PRINCESS NIKKI, I HAVE COURAGEOUSLY RISKED MY LIFE FOR YOU. IT IS WITH GREAT HONOR THAT I RETURN THIS TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER.”

  “My glass slipper! Why, thank you, Prince Brandon!” I giggled. “And if you don’t believe shoes are THE most important thing in life, you should ask Cinderella. Or . . . ME!”

  Everyone laughed at my silly joke. But I think Prince Brandon and I laughed the hardest.

  It was amazing to see that the Renegades and the Regals had taken my advice. They were not only actively pursuing their dreams, but good friends.

  Everyone seemed so much happier now than when I had first arrived. Well, almost everyone! That frog spell Brianna cast on MacKenzie lasted twenty-four hours.

  Soon it was time to say our good-byes.

  Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty all gave me big hugs and promised to come visit me in my “faraway kingdom.”

  Only Brandon seemed to sense the truth. That we probably would NEVER see each other again . . .

  . . . EXCEPT IN ANOTHER LIFE!

  And we were both totally fine with that.

  Because EV
ERYONE knows that in fairy tales the prince and princess ALWAYS live . . .

  HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

  !!

  STUCK IN FAIRY TALE LAND! AGAIN!

  When Brianna and I met with the Fairy Tale Land Council later that day about my trip home, we received some very bad news. Not a single magic user in the entire kingdom was powerful enough to send me back to another world. Not even the Wizard of Odd!

  Actually, the wizard had no magical powers whatsoever! He was a big fake dressed up in a fancy wizard costume, just like in the Wonderful Wizard of Oz story.

  I had to admit that after the fiasco with the Queen of Hearts and the Wicked Witch of the West, I was happy to be alive! But I still really missed my family and friends and was heartbroken that I’d never see them again.

  I was curious when Brianna came in lugging a big dusty book that was almost as large as she was. The weird thing was that it looked SUPERfamiliar.

  Finally I realized it was the exact same book that my English teacher had brought to class!

  “So, Nikki! Are you ready to go back home?” Brianna grinned.

  “OMG! Brianna, you can send me home?!!” I screamed excitedly. “I thought you said you weren’t powerful enough to do that!”

  “Well, transporting a person to another world requires advanced magic. But I’ve been studying this book, and I think I’ve come up with a magic spell that should do the trick! Are you ready?”

  I felt totally torn because now that I was FINALLY going home, I felt a little sad to be leaving. I gave Brianna a big hug and thanked her for saving my life!

  “Okay, Nikki! Stand right here!” she instructed.

  “Magic potion, lucky charm!

  Fairy Tale Land is safe from harm!

  Nikki Maxwell saved the day!

  So send her back home right . . . um . . .

  “RIGHT . . . NOW! RIGHT . . . THIS MINUTE! UM, HOW ABOUT RIGHT . . . HANDED?”

  Brianna giggled nervously and kept waving her wand, but nothing happened. I just glared at her. I was NOT impressed!

  Then, out of sheer frustration, Brianna angrily whacked her wand on the floor and shouted . . .

  Her wand broke, and the star launched into the air like a guided missile!

  Unfortunately, my FACE was in the wrong place at the wrong time. AGAIN! . . .

  I only have a vague memory of what happened after that. . . .

  Brianna’s magic spell didn’t work! But that little mishap with her broken wand DID!! . . .

  WAKING UP AGAIN!!

  “Look, everyone! I think she’s finally coming to!” said a girl who sounded a lot like Zoey Red Riding Hood.

  “Thank goodness!” said another girl, who sounded like Chloe Goldilocks. “At least she’s not in a coma!”

  “Um . . . is she supposed to be twitching like that?” asked a girl who sounded like the Wicked Witch of the West. “She looks like that dying roach I saw in the shower in the girls’ locker room! I don’t know which one is more DISGUSTING!”

  “SHUT UP, MacKenzie!” both girls said in unison.

  “You’re the one who did this to her!”

  “Yeah! You could have killed her!”

  I slowly opened my eyes and squinted at the slightly blurry circle of faces staring down at me. . . .

  And suddenly I started freaking out! “NO! Not the WICKED WITCH! HEEELLP!!” I screamed deliriously. “RATS!! There are RATS in the DUNGEON!! The Queen of Hearts is going to chop off my HEAD!”

  My arms flailed about as I imagined a hailstorm of dodgeballs slamming into my face. “THE BALLS! Please make the BALLS go away!”

  “Nikki! Please calm down!” Chloe pleaded. She held up two fingers in front of my face. “Just try to focus, okay? How many fingers am I holding up?”

  “Fingers? Those look like bunny ears to me,” I muttered, staring at her blurry hand.

  “You poor thing!” Zoey said, squeezing my arm. “You must be traumatized! But don’t worry. You’re going to be just fine. Trust me. Now close your eyes, relax, and take deep breaths, okay?”

  “Where am I?” I asked groggily. “Where are the Munchkins? Am I still in Fairy Tale Land? Will someone please tell the room to stop spinning?”

  That’s when Chloe suddenly lost it.

  “Fairy Tale Land?! Munchkins?! Nikki, snap out of it!” she yelled hysterically as she grabbed my shoulders and shook me as hard as she could. “I want my old friend back without the brain damage!”

  “Stop it, Chloe!” Zoey scolded her. “If you keep shaking the poor girl like she’s a Magic 8 Ball, she WILL be brain damaged!”

  “Oops! Sorry about that!” Chloe apologized.

  “Nikki is still a little disoriented,” my gym teacher explained. “But luckily she doesn’t appear to have any broken bones. Maybe she’ll feel better if we get her up on her feet.”

  Chloe and Zoey each grabbed an arm and helped me stand up.

  “Thanks, guys! I don’t know what I’d do without you!” I said, starting to tear up.

  “Nikki, we don’t know what WE’D do without YOU!” Chloe sniffed.

  “Yeah! We were SO scared when you got hurt!” Zoey said, dabbing at a tear.

  Then they both gave me a bear hug and gushed . . .

  “WE LOVE YOU, NIKKI!! YOU’RE THE BEST BFF EVER!!”

  After a few minutes the dizziness finally went away and I started to feel a lot better.

  But get this!

  I’d just had the CRAZIEST dream EVER!

  About fairy tales!

  It seemed SO real! I couldn’t help but notice someone staring at me and nervously twirling her hair around her finger. . . .

  It was MACKENZIE !!

  “OMG, Nikki! I’m so happy you’re okay!” she said, plastering a fake smile across her face. “I was SUPERworried about you. It was so scary how you just ran into that ball after it slipped out of my hands! It was such a freak accident!”

  The entire class and I just glared at that girl. She was such a liar.

  “WHAT?! I didn’t do anything w-wrong!” MacKenzie stammered. “I barely touched you!”

  “I believe your last words were ‘Hey, Maxwell! Eat this!’ ” Zoey quipped. “Sound familiar?”

  “Just shut up and mind your own business!” MacKenzie spat. “I don’t have to answer to YOU!”

  “But you DO have to answer to Principal Winston,” my gym teacher lectured sternly. “I saw everything, and, Miss Hollister, your behavior was totally UNACCEPTABLE! I’m sending you to the office so you can explain your actions to the principal.”

  “NO! You CAN’T send me to the office!!” MacKenzie shrieked. “It could end up on my permanent record! I’ll be ruined! It’s NOT fair! I’m going to tell my dad and . . .”

  TWEEEEEEEEEET!!

  When the gym teacher blew her whistle, MacKenzie finally shut up and stopped ranting.

  “Young lady, you can go to the office right NOW! Or you can do it AFTER you run fifty laps around this gym! It’s YOUR choice!”

  MacKenzie’s face grew red with anger.

  “Maxwell! You’re a total . . . DORK!” she said under her breath as she stormed out of the gym.

  “MacKenzie, you say that like it’s a BAD thing!” I shot back. “But PLEASE! Don’t HATE ME because I’m DORKALICIOUS!”

  “She totally deserves detention!” Zoey growled.

  “For the rest of the YEAR!” Chloe snarled.

  Then my gym teacher called my parents and explained what had happened and told them that I seemed to be okay.

  Everyone agreed that it would be a good idea for me to visit the school nurse just for observation.

  Actually, I didn’t mind.

  After everything I’d just been through, the thought of chillaxing on a comfy cot in the nurse’s office with my diary sounded really good.

  After we got dressed, Chloe and Zoey walked me to my locker.

  Then we headed for the nurse’s office.

  That’s when someone came running down the hall,
yelling my name.

  “NIKKI! NIKKI! I just heard what happened . . . !”

  It was Prince Brandon!

  He grabbed both of my hands and gazed into my eyes. . . .

  “NIKKI! I WAS REALLY WORRIED! ARE YOU OKAY?!”

  OMG! It was total déjà vu! Almost like we had shared another life together!

  “Actually, Brandon, I’m doing fine. But thank you for asking!” I giggled.

  Brandon is such a nice guy! His reaction to the whole thing about me getting hurt in gym was just so . . . SWEET! And ROMANTIC!

  SQUEEEEE !!! Chloe and Zoey were practically melting into two syrupy puddles of gushiness!

  Of course, MacKenzie had an attitude about the whole thing. I don’t know why she is so jealous of my friendship with Brandon.

  Anyway, after school everyone was gossiping about how Principal Winston gave MacKenzie a three-day detention for “unsportsmanlike behavior.” And as part of detention, students help beautify our school. Of course, no place needed beautification more than the girls’ showers!! . . .

  MACKENZIE, SCRUBBING THE GIRLS’ SHOWERS DURING DETENTION!!

  Even though I didn’t appreciate that nasty little comment she made about me in gym, she was correct about there being roaches in the girls’ showers.

  EWW!!! That had to be the dirtiest job EVER!

  I actually felt really sorry for her !

  NOT !!

  That girl has mercilessly teased and ridiculed me the ENTIRE school year because of my family’s business.

  But judging by the number of bugs I saw crawling on her, it looks to me like she might need to give Maxwell’s Bug Extermination a call!

  I’m just sayin’ . . .

  !!