by Alyson Noel
I nodded. “Head into the silence.” I slipped in front of him, taking the lead. “Head to the place where the noise becomes no more than a whisper. That’s where we’ll find him—and that’s where we’ll need to lead him as well.”
22
We headed back through the maze, back down the stairs, and back toward the ludus, moving away from the noise Messalina had manifested to bait us, until reaching the long row of cells where I stopped, listened intently, and hearing the roar of the crowd, moved in the direction it came from.
“Wait—I thought we wanted to move away from the noise?” Bodhi said, keeping pace beside me.
“We did.” I nodded, quickening my pace.
“But now we’re moving toward it—again.”
“Yep.” I navigated a series of turns, trying not to overthink it—that would only lead to doubt and confusion. If I wanted to end this, I had to commit to my instincts.
“I don’t get it,” Bodhi said, his voice sounding discouraged, as though he was ready to move in and take charge.
“You may not get it now, but you will, I promise. You have to trust me.”
I looked at him, taking in the swoop of his hair, and his thick fringe of lashes, then I looked away just as quickly. Unsure why I felt such a sudden surge of loss when we were getting along better than ever, but there was no doubt things had changed. Changed in a way that was much bigger than either of us probably realized. Whether it be good change or bad change remained to be seen—all I knew for sure is that all change stems from a loss of something that came before.
“The party noise was intended to distract us, to lead us toward something that didn’t exist,” I told him. “Messalina manifested it. There are no party guests—she just makes it appear that way. The only thing that’s real is what happens between her and Theocoles.”
“What about those other Soul Catchers? Did you run into any of them? They’re still out here, disguised as party guests, gladiators, house slaves, and who knows what else?”
I shrugged. I had no way of knowing what happened to them, and I hated to say it, but it really was none of my concern. I’d been warned about making up my own assignments, it was a lesson I’d learned the hard way, but at least I can say that I truly did learn it. Which meant that the fate of anyone other than Theocoles was none of my business. The Council was in charge, not me.
“We’ll deal with that later.” I glanced over my shoulder. “But for now, all you need to know is that wherever you hear the roar of the crowd, that’s where you’ll find Theocoles. It’s what he lived for, what he inadvertently died for—and it’s the one thing he refuses to give up.”
We turned another corner and I couldn’t help but smile in triumph when the light hit my eyes so hard I was forced to squint and shield my face with my hand.
“The Colosseum,” Bodhi said, as poor Buttercup sniffed the air and gazed around anxiously, sensing the lingering agony of all the poor animals that came here before him only to die a terrible death. “The ludus had a passageway that led right to it. I guess I’d forgotten that.”
We stood beside the big iron gates, watching the last few minutes of the fight—the remaining moments right before Theocoles died—before the crowd scorned him, turned on him, demanded he pay for what they perceived as an act of cowardice. And I looked at Bodhi, said, “Please, wait here—please, just let me handle this.” Then without another word, I sped toward the arena. Knowing Messalina never arrived until later, but that she would arrive, of that I’d no doubt. It was a dance they’d repeated too many times, and Messalina was just as caught up in it as he was.
She was also, apparently, on to me, because I’d barely made my way across the sand when she appeared right before me, and said, “If you don’t want to stay and enjoy the party, then perhaps you should leave. I’ve tried to be a good hostess. I’ve tried to provide you with everything your heart desires. But it doesn’t seem to be enough for you. You want more. You want something I can never allow you to have. You can’t fight me, Riley, and neither can your friends.” She motioned toward the place where Buttercup and Bodhi waited. “So perhaps it’s time we say our good-byes.”
“I thought you loved him?” I moved toward her. “I thought you wanted to be with him? I thought you were planning a future together?” I looked at her, her eyes shining brightly as she stood before me, haughty, regal—the queen of her own tragic fairy tale.
“I do,” she said quietly. “And I will have all of that, you will see. But when it does happen, it will be because of me. Theocoles will awaken because of me. Me, Riley, not you! My love will pull him through. One day he will look at me again, in real time, not in some past-life mirage. One day he will see the real me standing before him, and that will be enough. He’ll remember the love that we shared and it will shake him from the past. But it has to come from me, Riley. Why can’t you understand that? Why can’t you all just let us be?”
My jaw dropped in astonishment as a new understanding began to take shape. “You think you’re to blame.” My eyes met hers, and I knew it was true by the way she flinched in response. “You think he blames you for what happened to him.”
“What? And you see it differently?” She shot me a pitying look. “He was put to his death because he rolled over to look at me! He lost the battle—of that there’s no doubt—but he was the crowd favorite—surely they would’ve taken mercy—surely they would’ve chanted live instead of kill if he hadn’t done what he did. How were they to know his eyes went in search of me? No one knew about us—no one could know about us—my uncle would’ve never allowed it! Would’ve interfered and done whatever it took to stop it. But, as fate would have it, my uncle got just as he would’ve wished. I was standing beside him, when Theocoles’ eyes met mine, and that’s when my uncle confirmed what he’d already begun to suspect. But did he whisper in the emperor’s ear? Did he find a way to intervene? No. He allowed it to happen. And, when it was done, he turned to me and said, ‘It is for the best. Someday you will thank me.’”
She shook her head, her gaze bearing the loss as though it were fresh. “So make no mistake, Riley, Theocoles does blame me. I’ve been here for thousands of years and not once have I broken through to him. He refuses to see me unless it’s a scene we relive from the past. It’s the crowd he adores. It’s a love I cannot compete with—it’s a fate I’ve come to accept. Though my love for him burns brighter than ever, in all of these years it has not dimmed in the slightest. If anything, it’s just made me more determined. So please, please leave us to do what we do. Check back in another hundred years if you must, but for now, leave us be until then.”
“You’re willing to wait it out for another century?”
She nodded.
“Another hundred years of the same, lame routine?”
“It may be all the same—but it’s certainly not lame. I get to be near him—and that’s all that matters to me.”
I looked at her, this beautiful, charming ghost I once confused as my friend. And despite how evil I once thought she was, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She was misguided, there was no getting around it, but everything she did, was done out of love.
I gazed down at the sand, caught in a quandary I hadn’t expected. There was no way I’d leave her be for another hundred years, that was out of the question. Especially now that I knew exactly how to awaken Theocoles from the past—knew exactly how to get through to him. A discovery that would surely place me in the Soul Catcher Hall of Fame—if there were such a thing—a discovery that all the other Soul Catchers would talk about in awe for years to come. They may even name a holiday after me in order to celebrate what was sure to be a monumental victory.
Thing was, it didn’t really have to be me who did it. I could just as easily tell Messalina the secret and provide her the script. After all, she’d spent the last several centuries just waiting for this moment—and I just wasn’t sure I could steal it from her—no matter how much glory it would mean for me.
>
I buried my big toe deep into the sand, knowing it would be just as easy to push right past her and claim center stage.
Easy, but not necessarily right.
And definitely not at all kind.
I heaved a great sigh, looked up at her, and said, “While there’s no way I’m leaving you here for the next hundred years—I will leave you this: If you want to get through to Theocoles, you need to learn how to whisper …”
23
“I don’t get it.” She glanced between the gladiator and me, face full of judgment and scorn. “How could that possibly work? He only responds to the roar of the crowd—and as far as he’s concerned the louder the better. Why would he pay attention to something he can’t even hear? Something sure to be drowned out by the noise?”
“Because sometimes there’s more worth in silence than noise,” I said, desperate for her to understand what I’d just come to learn for myself. “Sometimes everything you need to know is contained in that small quiet space. Sometimes we get so caught up in distraction and noise and seeking other people’s approval we forget the quiet seed of truth that lives in our hearts. But just because we fail to tune in to it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Theocoles loves you. I know, because I saw you together in his cell—I saw the look he gave you after he fell in the arena—”
“Yeah, and it’s because of that look that he refuses to look at me now.” She shook her head, folded her arms across her chest. “I’m sorry, Riley, I know you’re only trying to help, which is pretty amazing after all that I’ve put you through, but I just don’t see the point in—”
“I didn’t see the point in trying on the blue dress the day we first met. I didn’t see the point in manifesting a new and improved version of me. But in the end, it worked, and no matter how things turned out, for a while anyway, the results made me happy.” I nodded, wanting her to realize the truth behind my words, but she was quick to dismiss it.
“That was different, that was an outcome within my control.” She shrugged, looked away.
“Was it?” I quirked a brow, refused to give up. “I mean, I’m the one who came up with the vision of how I wanted to look—not you. So didn’t I play some part in the way things turned out?”
She looked at me, a new understanding beginning to dawn on her face.
“Try it,” I urged. “What can it hurt to try when you have nothing left to lose?”
She nodded, ran her hands over the front of her gorgeous pink gown, fussed with her curls, adjusted her necklace and rings, and approached him. Standing beside him as he stared at his corpse, mumbling in confusion, where she proceeded to do the exact opposite of what I’d just counseled.
Instead of approaching him gently, quietly, she turned toward the crowd, threw her head back, opened her arms wide, and sent them into a state of uncontrolled frenzy—the stadium rumbling with the sound of: Theocoles! Theocoles! Long live Theocoles, the Pillar of Doom!
The chorus repeating again and again as Theocoles stopped, alerted to their cry of noisy admiration, he gazed around wildly, threw his head back, spread his arms wide, and soaked it all in.
“What’s she doing?” Bodhi asked, having come up beside me.
I shook my head in reply. Disappointed didn’t even begin to describe how I felt.
“But, more importantly, what are you doing?” he said, staring intently.
I looked at him, unsure what he meant.
“Giving away your Soul Catch to a ghost who tricked you?” He frowned. “The Riley Bloom I know would never do such a thing. She wouldn’t even consider giving up the glory.”
Oh, that.
I nodded, shrugged, unsure just how to explain it other than to say, “I guess it just seemed like the right thing to do. You know, the kind, mature thing to do. But, maybe I misjudged her.”
I closed my eyes to better listen to the lecture that played in my head. The one that chided me for my foolishness—that scolded me for trusting someone who’d tricked me numerous times already. But just as that internal dialogue began to take hold, a new thought moved in and stopped it cold.
What I was doing was the same thing Theocoles had done for a pile of centuries. I was tuning in to my hurt pride, my bruised ego, my tarnished self-image, my wounded vanity—I was so focused on the lecture, I ignored the quiet truth that lived deep inside. And once I’d silenced the noise in my head, I realized the noise in the arena had vanished as well.
Messalina had taken my advice after all.
Theocoles staggered, floundered his way across the sand, searching for his helmet, his sword, and his shield—ready to enter into his tireless routine yet again.
But just as he reached for them, Messalina made them each vanish—one by one—until he spun in confusion, unsure what to do.
“I know you prefer to hear them,” she whispered, gesturing toward the stadium. She filled the stands briefly with a crowd that clapped and cheered, noting the way Theocoles’ eyes lit up at the sight of it, the sound of it, and how quickly they extinguished the moment she took it away. “But I’ve indulged you for too long, and now I’m hoping you’ll listen to me instead of them.”
He moved right past her, knocking into her, completely unaware of her, causing her to look my way, her face broken, longing for encouragement, approval, which I happily gave.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for so long now,” she said. “I have so much to tell you. There are so many things you used to care about—so many goals you used to work toward—and though it seems you have forgotten them, that you’ve turned your back and ceased caring about them—I still want you to know that just after you died, I saw that your brother was freed. I told you I would provide the money, I told you that you didn’t have to fight for it, and I kept my promise. I had him released from the mines, and I’m happy to say that because of it, Lucius was able to live a long and fulfilling life. I also had a monument built in your honor. It was a bust of your face, with your name on a plaque just underneath so that no one would ever forget who you were, or that you were once the reigning champion of the Colosseum. It stood for a very long time, hundreds of years, to be sure. It stood just outside of these walls. Though unfortunately it was knocked down not long after the fall. Yes, the empire has fallen.” She smiled. “So much has changed—some of Rome is not at all recognizable—and some is much like you left it. Not that you got to see much outside of the ludus—but the point is, you are no longer stuck here. Or at least you don’t have to be. The choice is yours. But if you choose to stay here, well, you will stay here alone.” She glanced over her shoulder, meeting my gaze as she said, “I’m tired of this same, lame routine. I’m sorry that you’ve never seen fit to forgive me. But maybe it’s time I forgive myself. Maybe it’s time for me to move on to what’s next.”
She moved toward him, grabbed hold of his shoulders and stared hard into his face, repeating the words I’d fed her just moments before. “I wish you would learn to tune out the roar of the crowd, and instead, listen to the whisper of truth that lives in your heart.”
He tried to move away, tried to move past her, still on a quest for his missing sword, but Messalina held firm, her hands grasping his arms as she finished the script I’d given to her. “Your heart always knows what’s important. It always knows how to guide you. It’s pure, and trustworthy—though it will never shout to be heard. It will never speak above a whisper. But if you learn how to heed it, how to hear it, you will never feel lost in the world.”
He pushed her aside, lurched forward, continued to stagger across the sand, as I sagged in frustration, knowing she did the best that she could, that I couldn’t have done any better. I guess this was one Soul Catch neither one of us could cross over.
I started to turn, started to motion to Bodhi to leave. My feelings conflicted, knowing I’d done all I could, though that didn’t make it any easier. Defeat was something I did not handle well.
Reminded of the words Bodhi said before I’d even started this journey, som
e old Gandhi quote, “Full effort is full victory.” And though its meaning was clear, I was hardly in the mood to celebrate any effort that didn’t end in victory, it’s just how I was.
I met Bodhi’s eyes, trying not to feel ashamed in front of my guide, totally missing the way he gestured, pointed behind me, until he said, “Look.”
I turned to see Theocoles, brow scrunched in confusion, as he watched Messalina cross the arena.
The Colosseum so quiet you could hear a butterfly take flight, broken by Theocoles’ fervent cry, “Messalina!”
She stopped, her eyes wide, as she spun on her heel to face him. Her body still, face cautiously hopeful, as though she couldn’t quite believe that the moment she’d been waiting for had finally come to fruition.
“Messalina—where am I?” He gazed around in confusion. “Where have they gone?” He motioned toward a stadium, once filled to capacity, but now empty.
“Home,” she said, her voice like a sigh. “They left the Colosseum a very long time ago. We’re the only ones left. Well, the only original ones anyway.”
“And Lucius? He is free, it is true what you said?”
She nodded, approaching him until she stood just inches away, saying, “Yes.”
“And I—I am free as well?”
She closed her eyes, savoring his question, and opening them again when she said, “Yes. Finally. After all of these centuries, you are now free. That is, if you choose to be. In the end, it’s up to you.”
“And our future?”
She smiled, eyes shining with hope and a surge of crystalline tears. “Ours to seize whenever we’re ready.”
He reached toward her, big, brutal hands cupping her cheeks with a tenderness I would’ve never imagined. Gazing upon her as though she was a precious mirage he feared would soon fade.
“And your uncle—he approves of our union, then?” His thumbs smoothed over her skin, his eyes fixed on hers as though no time had passed, as though he’d merely woken from a brief nap.
