Eat, Slay, Love: A LitRPG/GameLit Adventure (The Good Guys Book 10)

by Eric Ugland

  “Right, but Ragnar and Skeld said you spent some time watching them.”

  “I did. I’m kind of fascinated with watching all these different cultures, seeing how they work. And a group that’s so different from humans, you know, they have such a unique physiology, and I want to know how that affects their culture and civilization.”

  “They were racing?”

  He held a finger up. “Look, there must be better scholars out there than me. People who have actually studied centaurian culture. I haven’t. I merely observed in my off-time between engineering disputes—”

  “And waiting for donuts to cook.”

  “Exactly. There seemed to be races happening. Amongst other activities. A series of contests that seemed to have real importance to them as a group. I don’t know what the outcomes were, nor why they were competing. A lot of centaurs attended the events, and they tied real significance to the outcomes. I saw incredible displays of emotion for both victories and losses. Again—”

  “I know, you’re making guesses.”

  “Yep.”

  “It’s just, you know, given the timing, I can’t help wondering if the contests and the Cull are related to Fiends’ Night.”

  “What do you...” he stopped mid-sentence as his brain ran through things. His eyes opened wide, and his jaw dropped. “Oh no.”

  “You’re thinking exactly what I’m thinking,” I said.

  He nodded. “The fiends do the culling.”

  “But if that’s true, then what would I need to do?”

  “Technically, nothing.”

  “I have this quest, though,” I said, pulling up the quest and reading the details to Lee.

  You have been offered a quest (by person if applicable):

  To Cull, or Not To Cull

  Complete the Cull as requested by the Centaur Herd. Or don’t.

  Reward: unknown

  This quest is mandatory.

  “Huh,” he said. “Either we’re wrong, which, you know—”

  “Is common for me,” I interrupted.

  “Not what I was going to say, but if you’d like a petty pity party, go ahead.”

  “Cuts deep.”

  “I seem to remember something about truth and pain,” he said with a wink, “but the other option is them herding their chosen newly non-members onto your land, wherein technically you are allowing the fiends to consume them.”

  “So it’s ultimately inaction on my part,” I said.

  “If we’re right about the Fiends’ Night connection, and that’s what the quest means.”

  “Could be the easiest quest I’ve ever gotten.”

  “Slightly vile ramifications, but yes, it would be easy to complete.”

  “So I should go?”

  “I don’t think so, no.”

  “You going to hit me with some reasoning?”

  “You mean other than bringing in a whole host of new people into our holding? People who have just been abandoned by a group of their own kind? People who are also the weakest of their kind? That’s going to be—”

  “When have we ever cared if they’re the strongest?” I snapped. “We’ve championed taking anyone and everyone in. Regardless of—”

  “And that is very admirable, Montana. And maybe you’re right. Maybe you should do something, but keep in mind how little time you have.”

  “I know.”

  “And how many people we already have here.”

  “I know.”

  “And how long the winter is supposed to be.”

  “All things I am aware of.”

  “Perhaps you need to think of those who’ve already come to you for safety.”

  “I do think about them. But I also think that we can’t just turn our backs because it’s inconvenient or difficult.”

  “It would seem to me, at least, that you’ve already made up your mind.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Montana,” Lee said, sitting down on a fortune of gold coins, “you’re a good person. You have good instincts when it comes to protecting other people. I believe you’ll make the right decision here, especially because I agree with you.”

  “But you—”

  “I was just asking what others are going to ask. You need to be prepared to argue because there will be those who aren’t happy with how you do things. But I am. And I will back you in this.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “But you need to move faster than you think to get this pulled off in time.”

  “Thanks—”

  “Stop thanking me and go talk to Nikolai.”

  I just smiled and ran.

  15

  I don’t think it would surprise anyone to know that Nikolai was not as enthusiastic about my plan.

  “This is a stupid thing you are doing,” he said. “And I am tempted to tender my resignation if you choose to go through with it.”

  “One, I don’t think you can resign,” I replied. “And two, even if you could, I don’t think you would. What would you complain about if you didn’t have this stupid job, your stupid boss, and the prinkies?”

  “I’m sure I could find happiness in a life without complaints.”

  “Yeah, but would you even be Nikolai at that point?”

  “I don’t need to have existential debates with you, Montana.”

  “No, you get to. It’s a joy. A priv—”

  “Your grace, I realize you’ve got a rather relaxed attitude toward time, but I promise you, we are up against something we cannot move. No matter what we do, Fiends’ Night will occur in two nights’ time. We have one day to prepare, and half a day to make sure we have made no mistakes. And then—”

  “And this happens every year?”

  “Yes.”

  “Seems awfully big to happen every year. How—”

  “This seems big to you because you have never done it, and we are trying to make it happen for an entire town at once. That is exceedingly rare.”

  “What do the homeless do?”

  “In the kinder areas, ‘homes’ are made available. Either individual houses open their doors for whomever needs a home, or the powers that be will designate a large building as a home. Temples are always open for their followers, and those who wish to pretend to be followers for the night.”

  “So temples are safe as well?”

  Nikolai nodded. “I imagine a fiend taking on a temple to be both delicious and ridiculous.”

  “Can we make this whole place into a temple?”

  His eyes went wide, and he actually started to smile. “Funny.”

  I winked, pretending I’d meant it as a joke.

  “Okay, centaur talk.”

  “As your chancellor, I urge you to let the centaurs do what it is they are going to do without interfering, especially if it means adding additional stomachs to growing hold as we get into winter.”

  “What about as my mentor and friend?”

  “I would prefer if we kept this to—”

  “Nikolai, what would Cleeve tell me to do?”

  He leaned back in his chair. He drummed his fingers on his desk, and then reached into his drawer and pulled out a shiny pebble that he tossed on the vast pile in the corner.

  “I hate that you have to ask me that question,” Nikolai said. “Cleeve was a better man than me in almost every way. I have spent more nights than I care to remember wishing there was a way for the two of us to trade places. He would have been able to not only guide you better than me, but he would have built this little holding into a grand place in such a short time. He had vision. Discipline. And a love for all. I find I have but one of those. Cleeve would not have told you to do anything. He would already be on his way across the valley. He would already be speaking to the dwarven crews about adding space for our new friends. He would already be planning on rationing our food stocks, so we might take in anyone who asked this winter. Cleeve was good, and I am not. But I think, more often now, that perhaps he was correct in making you hi
s heir. That you are on your way to becoming a good man yourself. So while I will sit here at this chancellor’s desk and rail about how shoddy a decision it is to save those centaurs from their own foolish choices, know that—”

  “Nikolai,” I said, “I know you’re going to drop down a pity spiral if I let you. You were who you were when you were who you were—”

  “Wherever you’re going from that statement--“

  “Just let me finish.”

  “Did you let me finish?”

  “No, but I’m the duke.”

  “Yes, your grace,” Nikolai said with a smile.

  “I’m just trying to say that if you don’t like who you are, change.”

  “Not that easy.”

  “Why?”

  “Because. I am known. I—”

  “I don’t want to burst your bubble, bub, but people only know you as Nikolai the Grumpy Chancellor.”

  “They call me the grumpy chancellor?”

  “Nikolai the Grumpy Chancellor.”

  “I’m not that grumpy.”

  “You’re the only one in all of Coggeshall who yells at prinkies.”

  “Because they bring me fucking pebbles!”

  “They think you’re an ardent rock collector.”

  “They don’t have thoughts of their own--“

  “We’re getting off track. And yes they do. All I’m saying is that you don’t have to be Nikolai the Grumpy Chancellor. You can change yourself, and—”

  “If I weren’t the one sitting here holding you back, you’d invite the Night Goblins to live with us.”

  “Maybe there are some nice ones among—”

  “There very well may be, your grace, but there are far more who would use your generosity as an opportunity to kill with impunity. But as far as the centaurs are concerned, I support your decision to rescue them from Fiends’ Night. If that happens to them with the Cull, that is. If there is something else, I would have to, I suppose, rethink my position.”

  “I’m going to find Fritz, then,” I said. “To go see about a rescue.”

  “Good luck, Montana of Coggeshall,” he said with a nod of his head. “Is there anything else you need your grumpy chancellor to do?”

  “Besides cheer up? Yeah, get some spaces ready for our new citizens.”

  16

  I rushed from his offices, happy to have a project. Something to do.

  I know the desire for excitement seems at odds with a man who’d been dreaming of doing nothing but fishing, but I’d argue fishing is doing something. Had fishing been an activity available while it was snowing, I might have been able to console myself with a few hours next to the burbling brook. And yet, we had no babbling brooks nearby. Nor was ice fishing ever really something anyone enjoyed. So instead of ice fishing, or fishing, or doing something relaxing, I was going to jump to adventure.

  However excited I was, I knew it was best to be prepared. So I found Ragnar and Skeld, and I told them to get ready for a rescue mission. As expected, Ragnar was excited. Skeld, less so.

  Ever since he’d died and been resurrected, Skeld’d been keener to stay home. In this case, I made sure he knew that I didn’t expect him to come, because I was trying to limit numbers, but I did need his help getting all our shit together.

  I had Bear the brownie gather my team while I went to visit Zoey in the smithy.

  “Your grace?” she said with surprise as I walked in. “I thought we had seen all of you for the day.”

  “I need some armor,” I said.

  “In process, your grace. Sadly we--“

  “Not the nice stuff. For now, I just need something to make me look mean.”

  “No need for armor for that, your grace.”

  “Also something to keep arrows from puncturing me.”

  “Ah, well, for looking mean and keeping arrows away,” Zoey said, and idly spun a heavy hammer in one hand, “I imagine there is something we can do.”

  She barked out orders to her assistants, and they all scurried off to the storeroom.

  “How is Mouse doing?” I asked.

  “My son is well, your grace,” she said with a smile. “He is attending school as requested, and I believe it may be at least a week since I have had to return a stolen article.”

  “Fantastic. And your daughter?”

  Zoey’s smile broadened. “She has fallen in love with Nathalie Glaton, your grace. She seeks to follow the captain of the guard wherever she goes. Which Nathalie has been more than patient about. I imagine it is rather annoying, but I find it cute.”

  “Maybe I can promote your daughter into the guard,” I mused.

  “Perhaps you might wait for her sixth birthday, at least.”

  “At least,” I replied, smiling. It was incredible to see how different her life had become, from nearly dead in a shack tucked into the alleys of Osterstadt to being one of the pillars of our community. When I’d met her, a long illness had left her with little beyond bones on her body, but a few months of steady meals and swinging a hammer had completely changed her body. Impressive muscles were showing.

  The assistants returned and quickly dressed me in a full plate harness. The armor was heavy and thick, chunky almost, with some bonus spikes here and there for added menace.

  “Ursus armor,” Zoey said, adJustin a pauldron and retying a vambrace. “Modified just a bit to fit a human frame.”

  “Pretty good,” I said, twisting my body and swinging my arms. I jumped up and down, then did a few lunges. “No pinching or sticking.”

  “Excellent, your grace. Is there anything else?”

  “That’s it for the moment,” I said. “Many thanks.”

  Then I was off again, this time for a much more annoying task. Finding Fritz.

  That basically meant going outside and yelling, and then waiting in the snow.

  And so I went outside and yelled. And waited in the snow.

  It was still coming down. Not white-out conditions, or even a blizzard, but heavy enough that no one besides the guards on the wall were outside. And even they seemed to find every opportunity to duck inside their towers.

  I made a snowman.

  It wasn’t my best work, in terms of snow sculpture. But working snow while wearing plate gauntlets is difficult.

  Fritz dropped out of the low clouds and slammed to the ground right in front of me. With terrible speed, he tore the snow man apart, and threw it into the air, eating the falling snow in a single bite.

  “Nice to see you too,” I said.

  He let out a trill of chirps.

  “Yeah, well, I missed you, you big oaf.”

  He laughed. Or at least that’s how I interpreted his noise. Then, he balanced on one leg to scratch in the snow.

  wat we do

  “Another Air Fritz adventure,” I said. “We’re going to the centaurs. See if they need rescue.”

  bring her

  “Missing an e there,” I said.

  He looked at what he wrote, then added an e.

  bringe her

  “You mean bring here? Yes. Bringing the ones who want to come back here. But we have to get them all here before Fiends’ Night. Do you know about Fiends’ Night?”

  He nodded.

  “Do you need a place to hole up?”

  He did the laughing thing again and shook his head.

  “Might be able to make something if you need.”

  He rolled his giant roc eyes, which were nearly the size of manhole covers.

  “Okay, fine. Be that way.”

  when we go

  “As soon as the team gets here.”

  He stretched his huge wings out and shook, his massive feathers ruffling and sending all the accumulated snow into a mini-flurry around him.

  I packed a snowball and launched it at the roc.

  It piffed against his feathers.

  One giant eye turned my way. Then a huge talon pushed me into the snow.

  “You win,” I said, my mouth full of snow and my
voice muffled.

  Fritz squawked loudly. I had the feeling that if it was possible, he’d have smiled.

  Naturally, as soon as I got up and brushed the snow off, Fritz shoved me right back in.

  Fucker.

  17

  Maybe twenty minutes later, my team assembled. ‘Team’ was maybe a bit misleading: there were just four of us. Bear the brownie, Yuri the lionfolk, Ragnar the otterfolk, and me. I wanted Yuri along in the hopes he had more insight into centaurs. And to show him the valley. If he was going to be our resident monster hunter, it only made sense for him to get to know the land.

  We all got settled on Air Fritz, and we were off.

  The weather did a great job in dashing my hopes to show Yuri the valley. Low clouds and heavy snow made it nearly impossible to see anything. But Fritz seemed to know where he was going.

  “What is the purpose of this trip?” Yuri asked in something of a yell.

  “No one told you?” I asked.

  “No, your grace.”

  “Can you not do the ‘your grace’ thing?”

  “No, your grace,” Yuri said with a smile, showing off his rather imposing canines.

  “We’re going to visit some centaurs,” I said.

  “Bother,” he said. “Had I known, I believe I would have been busy brushing my mane.”

  “Takes some work?” I asked.

  “Sometimes I long for the life of a hairless one as you.”

  “I’m not hairless,” I said.

  He raised one bushy eyebrow and frowned.

  “Not that hairless,” I said.

  “Whereabouts might that hair be?” Yuri asked. “It certainly is not anywhere visible.”

  I tried to run my hand over my scalp to see how much hair I’d grown since the shorning, but ended up just jamming my fingers into my helm.

  “Centaurs,” Yuri said.

  “Right. We’re going to visit them because of, well, something. I have a quest and I need to see how it’s going to complete.”

  “I don’t suppose you know which herd is there.”

  “Not off-hand, no. Does it matter?”

  “Certainly.”

  “So you have experience with centaurs?”