Eat, Slay, Love: A LitRPG/GameLit Adventure (The Good Guys Book 10)

by Eric Ugland

  “I mean, how about because it would help make you less of the miserable bastard you are?”

  “It would do nothing to decrease my misery, nor would it give me any increased efficiency with the job you’ve tasked me —”

  “Why the fuck are you so miserable then?”

  “This is not the time for such a conversation,” he said, stomping away from me down the stairs.

  I swore and shoved the bottle in a pouch on my belt. I wished I had my knapsack, but the powers that be thought that looked tacky.

  The thing was, I knew I could force Nikolai to take the potion. As his lord, I could order him to take it. As his hirð leader, I could magically force him to drink the potion and spend his ability points how I wanted. But I didn’t like the idea of stealing someone’s will. It was one thing to order him to do something within his role as chancellor, but this was different. More personal. It could fundamentally alter his life, and if he refused to take it... that was on him.

  I jumped down to the next landing to catch up with Nikolai. We continued walking together in a gloriously awkward silence.

  36

  Lord Northwoods and his party were milling about in the general open space at the bottom of the main stairs. It was quite the crowd.

  I didn’t think all of his people were there, but there were quite a few. Northwoods and Eliza were speaking with a young man I recognized: Eliza’s brother. Supposedly someone who had been working with Caticorix and was responsible for Northwoods being abducted.

  Lord Northwoods’ brothers looked, unsurprisingly, like Lord Northwoods, only if he’d been more physically active. Northwoods was a bit round. One brother was more muscular but short, and the other brother was lean and tall. The three of them together made me giggle. It was like they were out of a fairy tale.

  “Ah,” Lord Northwoods, uh, my lord Northwoods, boomed as he saw me walking down the last flight of stairs. “You look to have cleaned up.”

  “I do have some expertise in that area,” I replied.

  “Of course. Might I introduce my brothers?”

  “It would delight me to meet them,” I said, getting a slight nod from Nikolai, who also veered off toward his office. Traitor.

  “Lord Oliver Northwoods, newly Baron of the Northwoods.” The tall, thin one.

  “Baron Northwoods,” I said, giving a curt bow. “Congratulations on the new title.”

  He returned the bow. “Duke Coggeshall, likewise to you.”

  “And Lord Willam Northwoods.”

  “Count Northwoods,” I said again, also giving a curt bow.

  “Duke Coggeshall,” replied the short muscled man. “Sadly, I have no county or barony to my name, as of yet. Please, just call me Willam. Three Northwoods around and it’s a maze of confusion.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “I was a little worried.”

  “Please address me as Baron Northwoods,” the taller brother said.

  “I would defer to formality,” Lord Northwoods said.

  “Okay, so, Willam,” I pointed at the short muscled one, “Lord Northwoods,” then to the round one I’d known the longest, “and Baron Northwoods,” and finally the tall one, “is that suitable?”

  The brothers looked at each other and smiled.

  “Thank you for accepting our quirks with this,” Lord Northwoods said.

  “As my brother said,” Baron Northwoods said, “it can get confusing.”

  “I noticed,” I said. “The tour—”

  “Might I introduce my daughter?” Baron Northwoods asked, gesturing to the crowd for a young lady to step forward.

  “Of course,” I said, “It would be an honor to meet her.”

  “Lady Marguerite Northwoods,” Baron Northwoods said.

  She was probably around Eliza’s age. They looked similar, though Marguerite was a mite bit shorter, and had lighter hair with greener eyes. She also seemed, somehow, softer. Like she’d done very little in the way of work, and, maybe, eschewed the outdoors completely.

  “A pleasure,” I said, taking her proffered hand and giving it a light peck.

  She blushed. “Thank you, your grace.”

  “I would that I had a daughter to introduce as well,” Willam Northwoods said. “But, alas, I have yet to wed.”

  “Uh, same,” I said.

  He gave me a wink. Which I smiled at. But what the fuck was he winking for? That we were both bachelors on the prowl? That we were unwed lords? What the fuck? But I kept that all inside, like a good little duke.

  “Right,” I said, “tour?”

  “Ah,” Lord Northwoods said, “one more introduction, please.”

  “Great,” I said.

  “Duke Ginsburg,” Lord Northwoods said.

  A massive bear of a man stepped through the crowd with a craggy and curious smile on his face. Like me, he wore some armor, and had his family crest on a tabard. A very large sword hung at his side, with an intricate and ornate knot tied around the hilt and sheath.

  “Yes?” Ginsburg asked. “Oh, right. Fellow duke!”

  His voice boomed out, like he was overjoyed just to be living life. He advanced on me.

  “Duke Ginsburg,” I said, “I am Duke Coggeshall.”

  “Fantastic!” Ginsburg shouted. “I am delighted to be here.”

  “I am delighted to have you.”

  “Oh! How I expect to enjoy this Fiends’ Night! I am very excited!”

  “So glad to have you here.”

  He clapped his hands together and gave them a vigorous rub.

  “Let’s see your holding, shall we?” he fairly roared.

  “Tour!” the brothers shouted, clearly happy to be together, which was nice, but I would have seriously preferred this family reunion be happening elsewhere. Still. Wishes and fishes, right?

  The tour comprised myself, the three brothers, Eliza and her cousins, Duke Ginsburg, and some of their party who apparently did not warrant introductions, including some children who seemed less than enthused about having to go on the walk with us.

  We started the tour by going outside and talking about the tunnel through the mountain. Then we went all the way around the wall, looking out at the clear ground in front and the safe space inside. I pointed out where the original longhouses used to stand, structures since destroyed. I skipped over the witch encampment, which was largely broken down by now, but we did go over to the brownie tree. It would have been impossible to ignore, considering it was one of the few deciduous trees around, and by far the biggest. Oh, and it had a certain glow to it. And occasionally let out some sparkles.

  Some brownies came out and spoke nicely to our visitors, answering questions and doing a few tricks. But they were a huge hit with the kids. And the brownies seemed equally delighted by the children. They put on an impromptu lights show around the base of the tree, with glowing illusory creatures chasing each other round and round.

  Amid everything, I felt a light weight on my shoulder.

  I looked over to see Flint Frostycliff sitting there, a small pipe in one hand.

  “Lovely to watch, yes?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “We will join you inside this Fiends’ Night,” he said. “Not sure I had formally accepted your offer, but there it is.”

  “I’m glad,” I said. “I think that’s wise.”

  He smiled at me. “And we were thinking, if you have yet to do so, we would like to provide gifts for the children.”

  “Which children?”

  “Why, all of them.”

  “Sounds great to me,” I said.

  “Bully,” he replied with a smile. Then he leapt off my shoulder and disappeared.

  I sighed, really wishing I could do magic.

  “And on we merrily stumble!” I called out, moving on.

  Some of the kids weren’t keen on leaving the brownies, but then the brownies joined the tour, some of whom decided they would ride on woodland creatures. So now my entourage also had brownies riding foxes.

 
Neat.

  We went inside MountainHome, entering through the large double doors and walking down the short hallway. I did not point out the murder holes on either side and in the ceiling, nor did I feel the need to tell the tour about the guard barracks right there. From that initial walkway, we came to a large open room that I was sure had changed in layout from the first time I’d seen it.

  Now the main stairwell came down in two sections along the southern wall. In between those two flights was the hallway leading to the great hall. The doors inside were closed, otherwise I was pretty sure we’d be able to see the dais and my stupid throne.

  There were two doors on each of the east and west walls, as well as two more doors on the northern wall. Everything, save the stairs, had doors that could be closed and barred in case of invaders. It was interesting to think about the defensive aspects we had to build into everything in MountainHome. I knew that the other doors on the northern wall led to guard barracks and training rooms. I knew the stairway led up. The other hallways were a bit confusing to me. I thought I knew where the main cantina had moved, but — salvation.

  I saw Eliza still talking to her brother a few steps up on the main stairway. Which was confusing. I swore they’d been with us. A quick glance back over the group confirmed that I was, in fact, just losing my mind because no Eliza in the group. Nor her brother.

  Eliza did smile when she saw me, whereas her brother scowled.

  I gave a little smile and a wave back.

  “Lady Northwoods,” I said.

  “Your grace,” she replied with a curtsy.

  “I was wondering if you might join us on the tour. Perhaps you might even lead us through some of the common areas here.”

  She kept her smile on her face, but her eyes were shooting daggers squarely in my direction.

  “It would honor me, your grace,” she said.

  I only smiled.

  She came to the front of the group and took over. Not that I left the tour — it was more that I had no idea where we should be going because I barely knew MountainHome. Besides, of course, my quarters, the upper cantina, and the throne room.

  Eliza shined as a tour guide. Mainly because she was better at talking to people than I was. And also she knew where things were. And people. She said hello to all sorts of people we passed, and even introduced a few them to the group. Our tailors, Zoey the blacksmith, a woman who was in charge of our looms, the cooks, the butcher. On and on.

  The first stop was the cafeteria, which was very nice. Big. There was an industrial vibe to the place, with stone tables formed out of the ground. Made it impossible to rearrange the space, but also saved on carpenter time. Eliza even mentioned that we had long-term plans to replace the stone tables with wood ones so we could make the space more multi functional. Which surprised me.

  Then we went into the kitchen and saw the cooks at work. There were a lot of them.

  “Feeding your entire population,” Duke Ginsburg said to me. “Is that just for Fiends’ Night?”

  “Nope,” I said.

  “Interesting,” he said.

  He wasn’t booming now. He had a soft voice that I felt only I could hear.

  From the kitchen we went to the food storage, which led to questions about farming and food in general, which meant we went down to the farms.

  The farm levels were always impressive to me, and it seemed like the tour group had the same feeling, though I noticed Eliza ran us very quickly past the worm level to hit up the mushrooms and dark fields. Bonus: the rolegurdaüdi were not in residence when we strolled through. I was already getting some serious side-eyes about kobolds being around.

  There was something fun about the diversity of Coggeshall. The kobolds were always happy, at least that’s how they appeared. Most of them lit up when they saw me, which was a stark contrast to the reaction I got from my human citizens. There was more a standoffishness for them, acknowledging me, but also giving me plenty of space in case I did something horrid. Almost like I was a wild animal no one really trusted.

  Eliza continued through the farms, and took us around some of the other industrial areas, the loom, the smithy, things like that. Then we went up a few levels. We skipped all the residential areas, though I had the feeling I’d be fielding questions about housing should a Q & A session arise.

  Level four had the new ballroom. It was in process, so we only got a peek, but even that peek was amazing. It was massive. Like a football stadium footprint, except all at the same level. There was a soaring dome that seemed to extend into the darkness above. People swarmed over the area, working on many things that I had no idea about. I recognized plenty of dwarves and even saw Essie and Mercy working their magics together in the very middle. Across a very wide hall from the ballroom was another space of equal size, if not equal grandeur.

  “Why so much ballroom space?” Lord Northwoods asked while his daughter was leading us to the next stop on the tour.

  “Mostly for Fiends’ Night,” I said. “Plus, we can use the ballrooms as, well, bivouacs for visiting soldiers. The Empire will need to retake Osterstadt at some point, and we’re the closest garrison. Unless you’d like to offer up your place.”

  “I would,” he lied, “but we’re still in the construction phase. Barely have anything up yet. Certainly nothing on this scale. How do you do it?”

  “A fair amount of people are working on their own homes,” I said. “Makes them move faster. Nothing like troll fights and winter to motivate you.”

  “I daresay,” Willam Northwoods interjected, “you have had quite the run of poor luck of late.”

  “That’s certainly one way to describe things,” I said.

  There were some other rooms that I didn’t know existed that Eliza showed off, none of which were complete, but, you know, were mostly there. A concert hall. A theater. A school. At the end, we visited the hospital, just quickly and so that everyone knew where it was, should there need to be a visit. Proper stuff like that.

  And then we were done, back to standing around in the entry hall.

  “Hope you enjoyed the tour,” I said, giving the crowd a hearty wave.

  There were murmurs of thanks.

  And then Eliza walked up to me with her eyes aflame.

  “A moment, your grace,” she said through clenched teeth.

  “Ah, daughter,” Lord Northwoods called out. “Please ensure Duke Coggeshall knows what time to join us for our feast and festivities tonight.”

  “A what not?” I asked.

  “Come,” Eliza said, “I will give you a proper invitation.”

  She stalked away, and I followed. I also noticed Priscilla right there with us, acting like a chaperone.

  37

  “In the future,” she said, “I would prefer a little warning before a task like that.”

  “You were great,” I said.

  “I also had other commitments I’ve had to reschedule.”

  “I’m sorry. I swear I saw you in the group earlier, so I got confused.”

  She took a deep breath and looked around the ballroom.

  “It is just difficult to manage my duties here and for my father.”

  “I didn’t realize he was coming.”

  “Neither did I, your grace. I assume it will add a rather large layer of complexity onto an already challenging event.”

  “Something like that.”

  “And I certainly did not know my brother would be here.”

  “Is he—”

  “He is my brother. I cannot speak overly ill of him.”

  “But?”

  “But he conspired with an enemy of ours, one who tried to kill my father and myself.”

  “You want some extra guards around you?”

  “Justin is not a fool. I cannot imagine he will try anything on Fiends’ Night.”

  “You know him better than I do, but the offer stands.”

  “Thank you, your grace.”

  Priscilla cleared her throat, and I noticed
Eliza take a step back.

  I frowned.

  “Anything I should know about your uncles?” I asked.

  “As far as the Northwoods go, they are harmless. Both seem rather content with their lives, and I cannot imagine they are looking to cause any sort of issues here. I firmly believe they are just here to spend time with me and my father. Though I suppose it is possible Uncle Willam will try to get you to agree to some sort of monster-taming project. He’s been on about plenty of them.”

  “Pegasi, right?”

  “You remembered. Yes. That is his current pursuit, but there is always some other foolhardy plan he’s got brewing. But it is mostly positive. He has a good heart.”

  I nodded.

  “I would say that Uncle Oliver has nothing but the best intents as well—”

  “You did mention he was content and I needn’t worry.”

  “I did, but his daughter is here. That complicates things. I guess I would say that you should not worry about my uncle, but perhaps my cousin.”

  “Something wrong with her?”

  “She is very ambitious and not at all content with our place in the world.”

  “Is she violent?”

  “No.”

  “So—”

  “She will try to ensnare you, you fool,” Priscilla barked.

  Some of the workers in the ballroom looked around, a little confused.

  I waved.

  “Priscilla,” Eliza hissed.

  “I grow weary of listening to you dance about the issue,” Priscilla said. “There are others things that need doing.”

  “Like organizing a party,” I said. “Or was it a feast?”

  “It is a feast,” Eliza said. “Or a party. Both. Just a family celebration of sorts. My father felt it unfair to come here unannounced and expect you to entertain us wholly, so he brought along quite a bit of his own stores, two of his chefs and a few of his cooks and valets, and they will take care of this evening. Followed by music and dancing.”

  “Is this an all-hands party?”

  She shook her head. “My family is not as, um, egalitarian, as you. It is strictly for nobility.”