The Blurring

by Angela Peach

  “Ok. But I…”

  “SURPRIIIIISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TRIS-TEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOU!”

  My mouth dropped open and I felt a cold sweat bead across my face, despite the mugginess of the room.

  Everyone, including my parents, was stood expectantly before me, amid bright balloons and banners, waiting for my reaction.

  I spun on my heels, and pushed past Nick to run to the bathroom.

  “Spencer, where the fuck are you? Why is your phone turned off? I’m freaking out here badly. Nick’s got everyone, and I mean every fucking one, here for a surprise party for me! I hope you’re ok? Oh god, please be alright? Call me when you get this? Love you” I hissed into her voicemail, ignoring the knocking on the door.

  “Tris? It’s me, Ali. Come on babe, let me in?” she knocked again, and I decided she was probably safe, especially after our chat the other day.

  “Is it just you?”

  “Yes, it’s just me. Open the door!”

  I unlatched the door and she squeezed through the tiny gap I offered before I locked it quickly behind her.

  “So…happy birthday! Now what the fuck is going on? You’ve completely blanked me all week and I’ve had to lie to Nick. He came round last night, and I had to tell him you’d gone to bed with a migraine! I practically had to throw him out to prevent him coming in to see you!” she launched straight in, and I could tell she was not in the mood to take prisoners.

  “Ali, please don’t start? I’m not in a good way here.”

  “So fucking what? You swore to me that you weren’t just going to ditch me for Spencer, and that’s exactly what you’ve done! I’ve been covering for you all week, but do I get a call to say thanks? No! You haven’t even fucking texted me! I feel like you’re just taking the piss!” she scolded.

  “I know, but I’m really grateful for everything! I owe you massively! Why didn’t you warn me about tonight?”

  “Well, duh, cos then it wouldn’t have been a surprise party!” she said, tweaking her fair hair in the mirror.

  “Ali, do you remember the conversation we had on Sunday?” I asked carefully, wary that it may not have happened in this reality.

  “Of course I remember! You’re the one with the Spongebob memory, not me!” She paused, then turned to look at me. “Don’t tell me you forgot your own birthday?”

  “No, it’s not that. If I tell you something, you have to promise not to look at me like I’m a freak?” I had to give her something, or I was going to lose her trust, and she did deserve to know some of what was happening.

  “You are a freak, but carry on.”

  “Ok, you know I said Spencer was hypnotising me? Well…I started talking backwards.”

  Ali’s eyebrows shot up.

  “When you say backwards…”

  “…I mean whole sentences, backwards.”

  “Wow, how?”

  “I don’t know. But I have to get back to her place so we can carry on with the sessions” I said, hearing music start playing from the lounge.

  “No! No, no, no! I can’t cover for you anymore, and Nick’s been going loopy without you. I’m not doing it.”

  “Look, I didn’t want to tell you this until I’d spoken to Nick, but…I was going to break up with him. Tonight.”

  Alice stiffened and narrowed her eyes at me.

  “What?”

  “I’ve fallen in love with…someone else” I blurted, thinking it wise to keep Spencer’s identity in this hidden for now.

  “Why are you telling me this? Isn’t it bad enough that you’re making me lie to my own brother about you staying with me?”

  Brother??

  “Shit! You’re his…”

  “…sister?” she finished angrily. “What the fuck Tristen? What the fuck?”

  I sat on the toilet seat and put my head in my hands. This was very, very bad.

  “Who is he? I mean, you’ve kept that very fucking quiet. Is he one of Spencer’s friends? Jesus, is that why I’ve been covering for you?”

  “No! No, I swear I have been at Spencers! Look, everything I’ve told you about my memory has all been true. You have to believe me?” I tried to touch her arm, but she shook my hand off.

  “Do you remember what I said when you both got together?”

  “No” I answered honestly.

  “Don’t fuck around with me!” she shouted, furious.

  “I’m not!” I shouted back, hating every second of arguing with her. She went to shout again, but must have seen something in my eyes that told her I was telling the truth because she took a deep breath.

  “I told you both it was a very bad idea, cos if you ever broke his heart, or he broke yours, I was the one who was going to end up in the middle of it all” she said slowly. “And look where we are now!”

  As all of this was new to me, I said the only thing I could.

  “I’m sorry Ali. I’ll sort it out, ok?”

  “It’s too fucking late Tris! He’s fucking besotted with you!”

  I looked at the clock on my phone. It had been an hour since I’d left Spencer, and there was still no message from her.

  “What, are you waiting for him to call?” Alice asked incredulously.

  “No, I’m waiting for Spencer to call. She’s supposed to be coming over” I mumbled, wondering what Alice would do to her when she found out it was her I was leaving Nick for.

  “Oh. Great.”

  There was another knock on the bathroom door.

  “Molly? This is your mother. Open this door now, young lady!”

  I groaned, feeling like I was just leaping from the frying pan into the fire and reluctantly opened the door.

  “What on earth do you think you’re playing at? You get yourself out here right now. Nick went to a lot of trouble getting everyone here for you tonight. The least you could do is show some appreciation and try to look happy!”

  “Yes mum” I said miserably, but then my phone rang. I put it to my ear so fast, there was momentary pain.

  “Tris, there was no fucking signal in the car park! I’m so sorry honey!” Just the sound of her voice, faint from the hands free kit she was using, sent waves of relief through me.

  “Hey Spence! You on your way?” I asked as casually as possible, although I was rejoicing inside!

  “I’ll be there in about seven minutes. If things get too sketchy, hide in the bathroom or something?”

  “Done that!” I forced a laugh. “So I’ll see you soon then. Drive carefully!” I added, because I wanted her to get here safely.

  Before I hung up, Alice gave me a cold look, then left the bathroom with mum and me not far behind.

  After awkwardly mingling for ten minutes, during which I avoided any questions by asking people how they were and what they’d been up to, Jen came and told me Nick wanted to see me in the back garden. As I made my way out to him, my phone buzzed again.

  I’M IN YOUR BACK GARDEN WITH EVERY1-WHERE R U? X

  Elated, I sped up my pace, but as I scanned the small crowd for her dark curls, Nick caught my hand and spun me round to face him.

  Ambushed.

  “Hey! I’ve been waiting for you!” he said, throwing his arm around my shoulder while also managing to sneak a kiss on my mouth at the same time (which I could have avoided, but I was too polite to push him away in front of everyone.) He smiled at me, then turned to face everyone in the garden. “Can I please have everyone’s attention?” he hollered above the light chatter. As people turned to look, I took the opportunity to search for Spencer, spotting her next to a tall muscly guy who smiled and waved. I waved back, making eye contact with her.

  “Thank you all for coming! I think we managed to get the surprise factor, judging from her reaction!” Nick said, and there were a few laughs. I realised with a sinking feeling he was about to do a birthday speech, so I gritted my teeth and smiled, hoping it would be over soon. I saw Spencer move gently through everyone to get to the
front, and resisted the urge to run to her. “As you all know, we’ve been together for a while now, and Tristen has made me happier than I ever thought I could be…well, almost!” A hush settled as he turned to me, a deadly serious expression on his face-my forced smile froze, along with my stomach.

  No. Please, no?

  “Molly Tristen?” he sank to one knee. “Would you make me the happiest man alive by being my wife?” A small box appeared as if from nowhere and he opened it with trembling fingers. There were a few excited but hushed squeals from people, but I didn’t dare look round.

  “Nick, what are you doing?” I whispered. “Get up?”

  “Not until you give me an answer” he whispered back, stupidly failing to recognise the abject horror in my eyes.

  My head spun through several responses;

  “Can I think about it and let you know?”

  No, that wouldn’t work.

  “Oh Nick, if you’d asked me ten days ago, I’d have fallen at your feet! But I’m gay now!”

  Too harsh.

  “Nick, you’re a wonderful man, but I’m a terrible woman and I’ve been having mind blowing sex with that beautiful woman just over there, and I only came back to pack my belongings so I can go and live with her. Sorry.”

  Definitely not.

  “Nick, I’m insane. This may come as a bit of a shock to you, but I think it’d be better for you in the long run if we call it a day.”

  Help?

  Luckily, the only response that came perfectly natural to me, was also the one less likely to hurt his feelings.

  “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Bingo!

  I made it back to the bathroom without any opposition, although shortly after, there was a knock. I opened the door to see Nick, looking ridiculously happy considering what I’d just done to him.

  “Nick, I’m sorry. I think I er, I think I just need some time” I started to say, but he interrupted me from saying anything further by putting a finger to my lips.

  “It’s ok. I totally understand” he said gently. As it was blindingly obvious he didn’t, I let him continue, wondering if I’d missed a blur. “We don’t have to get married until after the baby’s born! But I wanted you to know that I want this! I want us to be a family!”

  Now I genuinely did feel sick.

  He still thought I was pregnant! Of all the things that had blurred this week, this fact had stuck? While I was at a stunned loss for words, he blindly carried on.

  “I mean, you’ve been over emotional and scatty, you’ve been sick a lot! And I know you’ve been staying at Ali’s to think things through properly. We’ve never talked about kids before, and with you being at the start of your career, I can understand why you were so worried!”

  I was amazed at how he’d managed to make everything fit so nice and snug, but I had to stop this right now. I shook my head, trying to dispel some of the ringing that had been increasing in volume as the evening wore on.

  “Nick, stop talking. Please, just stop talking. Oh my god, this has got so out of hand. I’m so, so sorry. I’m not pregnant” I said, getting the hard bit out of the way first in preparation for the impossible bit. His face fell.

  “Oh fuck. Oh baby, I’m such a fucking idiot!” he pulled me into his arms and held me. “When did you find out?”

  Frustrated, I pushed him away.

  “I never was pregnant! Look, I need some time. I need to think about things…about us.” My words sank in slowly and he took a step back.

  “I don’t understand. What the fuck’s going on here?”

  “Oh god, I’ve been lying to you. I haven’t been at Ali’s. I’ve been staying with Spencer” I said, trying to keep my eyes on his chest.

  “What? But why?”

  I swore I actually heard his heart break. When I looked up, his eyes were coloured with my betrayal.

  “I’m so confused about everything right now, I can’t even think straight. My life is so fucked up at the moment and my head is spinning from it. Just let me go, so I can try and sort myself out, then we’ll talk some more…soon.”

  “What do you mean your life is fucked up? Tell me what’s going on? I mean, call me ignorant, but I thought everything was pretty fucking rosy up until now! What have I missed? And why is this the first time you’ve thought to bring it up?” His voice rose as he got angrier.

  “I was going to tell you tonight, but you did this” I pointed to the door behind which we could hear the party carrying on.

  “So what are we supposed to do? Go out there and tell everyone you’ve turned me down? Nice Tristen, real nice!”

  “I think I should just leave. I’m not in the mood for celebrating right now.”

  “You’re just going to walk out on me? In the middle of your own birthday party?”

  “I didn’t even want a fucking birthday party!” I shouted. He looked like I’d slapped him round the face. With a sledgehammer. He suddenly spun round and stormed from the bathroom, knocking past a couple of our friends in the hallway who’d obviously been eavesdropping, but feigned ignorance at his exit. I ran to the bedroom, texting Spencer to come up, then I took a large carry bag from the cupboard and started throwing my belongings in.

  “Tris, you ok?” I heard her ask from behind me as I unceremoniously chucked my perfumes on top of clothes and shoes.

  “As soon as I’ve packed this, we’re out of here” I said, not looking round. “Just a few more things.”

  “Hey, guaca-Molly! You’re not gonna leave without saying hello, are you?”

  I stopped dead in my tracks, and straightened slowly. The only person who had ever called me that had been my brother, Alex, and he was supposed to be dead.

  And he was now stood right behind me.

  CHAPTER 15

  “Spencer, you have to get me out of here, now!” I croaked, my face losing all feeling as I looked at a very grown up Alex, recognising him as the guy Spencer had been stood with in the garden. She ran forward to help me as I swayed, but unfortunately, so did he.

  “Shit, you really are ill!” he said, a concerned frown on his face as he tried to support me.

  “Don’t! Just…don’t!” I sat on the edge of the bed, unable to breathe properly, and also unable to tear my eyes away from my very un-dead brother. He stood at well over six feet tall, and was just pure toned muscle. His brown hair was buzzed short and fashionably gelled, but his blue eyes were the same old eyes that I remembered from years ago. Before he died.

  “Tris? You’re really worrying me babe, what is it?” Spencer was peering into my eyes and looked close to tears, so I guessed I must look pretty awful. The buzzing in my ears reached a cacophonic level, and I put my hand into my pocket to touch the locket, needing to touch something solid. Even though Spencer was crouched right in front of me, my tenuous grip on reality was slipping right before my eyes.

  “Alex, can you give us a moment?” she said to him, standing up and herding him towards the door.

  “She doesn’t look right” he insisted, trying to look past her at me.

  “I know. It’s ok, I’ll help her. She’s just having a panic attack. Can you go downstairs and make sure no one comes up?” When he still hesitated, she said, “Alex, she needs to be calmed down. I can’t do that with you hovering.”

  He finally relented and once the door was closed, she hurried back to my side.

  “I need to go home right now. Please, just get me out of here?” I begged, unable to stop the intense trembling that had started in my hands and was now coursing through my entire body. She put her hands over mine to help.

  “I haven’t seen you this bad before. Should I be worried?”

  I shook my head.

  “I just need to go home.”

  “Ok baby. Ok” she stroked some stray blonde hairs from my face, then leaned forward and kissed me softly. She helped me to my feet and threw my bag over her shoulder before walking to the door and peering out. “It’s clear. How do you wanna do
this? Just head for the front door and run?”

  “That’s exactly how I wanna do this. And if you see my mum…”

  “…run faster?”

  “Yes!” I smiled, and then exhaled slowly.

  As we tiptoed silently down the stairs, I decided that if anyone saw us or tried to stop us, I was fully prepared to use force if necessary to escape, no matter who it was.

  But for perhaps the first time tonight my luck was in, and we made it to the front door unchallenged. A minute or two later we were sat in my car and pulling away quickly.

  “My brother died. Eleven years ago” I said quietly. “And that’s all I want to say about it right now, so please don’t ask me to talk about it?”

  She linked her fingers in mine.

  “Whenever you’re ready.”

  I made her stop on the way outside a shop where I purchased a hideous amount of alcohol so that we could get hideously drunk, and at least try and celebrate what was left of our birthdays.

  As I got back into the car, she held up my phone.

  Seventeen missed calls.

  Twenty one messages.

  I turned it off without a second thought.

  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this. I mean, how am I supposed to feel about this? I’ve been mourning him for eleven years! Do I just let go of all that? Cos I don’t know if I can?”

  “You said yourself not all the blurs were bad. I’m sure it’s going to be strange at first, but in time you’ll be able to look at it as a blessing, a second chance with him!”

  I opened my eyes. My head was still spinning, but now that was purely down to the two bottles of champagne we’d consumed. I was lying on the sofa with my head on Spencer’s lap as she ran her fingers softly through my hair in an attempt to relax me.

  “I…I just feel numb. I keep seeing his face in my head and I know I should be happy he’s alive, but I don’t. I just feel numb.”

  “You’re in shock. Although I’m pretty sure that this has never happened before, it’s completely normal to feel like you do. It’ll get better, I promise. And I’ll help you” her fingers traced down my neck, pausing only to lift my t shirt and slide underneath it where she tickled patterns on my back. Every hair on my body stood on end as an intense shiver of pleasure shuddered down my spine.